Sometimes it amazes me that the human race hasn't died out already...

[riverscout]

...because parenting seems so hard to me that I don't know why people have continued to reproduce. If I knew how hard this would be I might not have done it. Maybe it's just me though. Maybe I am just incompetent because seriously this thought crosses my mind all the time. How have humans survived if it is this damn hard to raise kids? It must not be so difficult for most people or humans would be extinct. I must admit things were much much much easier with one, that is after the initial shock wore off. But still, two kids shouldn't be this hard, right? I see mamas here with like five kids who homeschool all of them, make all their food from scratch, raise chickens, sew diapers, etc, etc, etc. What is their secret? What am I doing wrong? Is it me? Is it my kids? Am I just thinking about it the wrong way? Do they have easy kids that actually sleep? I've gotten to the point where I really don't feel comfortable judging other parents for things I consider(ed?) wrong because I think it's amazing that they are just keeping their kids alive which is a feat in and of itself. I dunno, maybe I am just having a bad day...week...month...eh, more like a year.

[Curlyfry7]

No answers for you-I could have written this post myself, word for word. Other than some slight age differences and a reverse in the genders I think we have the same kids..............I am eager (actually desperate) to see what others write for you...

[RoseDuperre]

I know how you feel. I'm overwhelmed a lot of the time, and find myself pining for the freedom I used to have - and I had desperately wanted a baby! Do you have enough support around you? I know this is a huge part of the problem for me.

[laohaire]

Have only a minute - but there could be any number of things different between your situation and the homeschooling-mother-of-five-goddess you described.

For one thing - your energy levels. You could have lower energy for some reason, perhaps adrenal fatigue or a chronic low-level infection in your body, or hypothyroidism or even a mild metabolic disorder.

Your kids could be higher needs than another's.

Your support system could be poorer.

Anyway, gotta go - but I ain't supermom myself, so you're in great company!

[mommy68]

I can relate. Although my thoughts are more along the lines of why the h*ll did I bring children in to such a sick, sometimes horrible world. The way the economy is currently, watching their grandparents be terminally sick, getting their hopes and dreams crushed at some point in life, being let down by people, having relationships not work out, etc etc. The list goes on. I really do not want my children to have to go through all the bad things in life and wonder why I didn't think about that before thrusting them unwillingly in to this life. Then I think about how wonderful they are and how I can't imagine life without them and try hard to raise them to be prepared for all the bad in the world, as well I can anyway.

[philomom]

Just thinking out loud......

a) more kids under the age of 5 died

b) parents exerted more parental control, keeping strict order

c) the kids did chores, lots of them

d) before electric lights.. going to bed at dark was common and normal

e) mothers might have had more live in help, often the mother's youngest unmarried sister was sent for a time to help out the growing family .... also younger brothers might spend time at your farm until your boys were old enough to work the stock and do heavy labor

Life was hard work back then but it had fewer distractions. People didn't worry so much about happy. They worried about feeding everyone and keeping the land fertile.

[meemee]

well parenting is not hard. it never was until nuclear family.

it is the hardest thing to do alone.

it is the easiest thing to do in a group. its like you have many children and your child has many mothers and someone is always looking out for them.

you have support. you have adults to talk to.

for myself i will say - parenting is not hard. but when i am in a bad place it is the hardest place to be.

when i am in a good place parenting is pure joy. even the tantrums and 'bad' behaviour.

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by RoseDuperre

Do you have enough support around you? I know this is a huge part of the problem for me.

The only family my husband and I have around here is his brother and his wife. They are very nice and love the kids, but they are both extremely busy people with careers, side jobs, and school, so they can't help out much. Most of the friends I had before having kids are busy with their jobs and/or families. I have made some SAHP friends in the neighborhood which has been nice but we aren't all that close, at least not yet. I wish my mom and my sister still lived here.

[Porcelain Interior]

I don't think parenting is hard. I think the modern world today is hard, and that makes parenting hard.

Not so much the loss of the village, but the loss of extended family and the isolation most of us have around us. I think this magnifies everything negative, and things seem harder to cope with because we are so alone.

I'm not a village girl, but darn I sure wouldn't mind some active grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. We've got no one. We drew the crappy uninvolved me me me baby boomer parents. They're out finding themselves....

Still.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Oh mama. I'm sorry you're in this place.

[foxtrot]

I could have written your post. I probably have written something similar. I've stopped voicing it though because I never get any real support from people other than to say "you must be depressed".

I'm probably a little more hopeful than you because my oldest is 6 and I've seen the "other side" as I like to call it. The other side of baby/toddlerhood and if the same thing happens as what happened with my son when he turned about 3.5-4 I go from just hating motherhood to LOVING it. I just SUCK with little kids. I'll be honest and say I truly hate the baby/toddler stuff and so that is why it feels so darned hard right now.

Oh, and my kids DO NOT SLEEP. Well, my 6 year old does now and he's an awesome sleeper now. My 18 month old is a thousand times worse than he was though and I didn't think that was possible. I know the lack of sleep and the lack of support (no family nearby except a busy sister and brother-in-law) is part of why it is so hard.

I don't know why I had a second child. I thought I'd be fine because I'd already been down the road and knew what to expect. What I didn't plan on was that once I got past the hard part (DS was 4.5 when DD was born) I would never want to revisit it. And I just don't get the "it goes by so fast" stuff. I wish it did. It's been an atrociously long 18 months so far with DD.

I truly do understand how you feel. I really do. And when I read about the mothers that are doing all the things you mention I just sit here completely, utterly baffled at how they do it.

[laila2]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I don't think parenting is hard. I think the modern world today is hard, and that makes parenting hard.

Not so much the loss of the village, but the loss of extended family and the isolation most of us have around us. I think this magnifies everything negative, and things seem harder to cope with because we are so alone.

I'm not a village girl, but darn I sure wouldn't mind some active grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. We've got no one. We drew the crappy uninvolved me me me baby boomer parents. They're out finding themselves....

Still.

Dito

and in a way we have made it hard with all those books we read when we are prego. How many opinions do we need?

[phatchristy]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I don't think parenting is hard. I think the modern world today is hard, and that makes parenting hard.

Not so much the loss of the village, but the loss of extended family and the isolation most of us have around us. I think this magnifies everything negative, and things seem harder to cope with because we are so alone.

I'm not a village girl, but darn I sure wouldn't mind some active grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. We've got no one. We drew the crappy uninvolved me me me baby boomer parents. They're out finding themselves....

Still.

I could have completely written your post (was going to post the same ideas when I read your post LOL).

What we should have it multigenerational parenting...that it what naturally would have existed. Plus, we'd see bigger gaps between children with natural extended breastfeeding, etc.

If I could imagine a life without TV, internet, etc. Being able to focus on one thing at a time. So few complications...no stuff to fool around with and clean. Sure, living would be hard and people would be active...but there would be such a err of peace and simplicity about it. For sure.

Personal energy levels and the demands of modern living are insane.

[Snuzzmom]

Originally Posted by riverscout

... Do they have easy kids that actually sleep?

I'll tell you what, if my child didn't sleep well my life would be one million times harder and more stressful than it is right now. I can handle a lot of things, but I am NOT good with chronic exhaustion. IMO this alone could account for 90% of why other people may be handling things "better" than you-- they're getting sleep!

Hang in there, mama.

[waiting2bemommy]

I will say, having been single for the majority of my pregnancy and time parenting, that you just can't do it all. The problem is that sometimes we build up in our heads taht we have to do it all....I know I thought so.

The first year of ym ds's life, I worked full time (7-3), went to school full time (online and at night after he went to bed), cloth diapered, made my own baby food from scratch, exclusively breastfed, pumped a zillion times a day, did all the laundry on a strict schedule, coslept/never let him CIO even if it took me three hours to put him to sleep, took him on outings 2-3x a week, always had him completely matching from hat to sneakers, in brand name clothes that i scoured craigslist and consignment stores for in my "free time." My friends were amazed.

what they didn't know (although eventually it became apparent) is that i became severly underweight (85 lbs) from the stress, my hair started falling out, and by the end of the year i was not entirely the parent i wanted to be, because I had become so sleep deprived I was no longer myself.\

If I could do ti over again i would cut myself a break. i think that's what you should do. you don't see the other side of those homeschooling-mother-of-five-homemaker-extraordinaires. it may not eb going as well as it seems to be.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by riverscout

The only family my husband and I have around here is his brother and his wife. They are very nice and love the kids, but they are both extremely busy people with careers, side jobs, and school, so they can't help out much. Most of the friends I had before having kids are busy with their jobs and/or families. I have made some SAHP friends in the neighborhood which has been nice but we aren't all that close, at least not yet. I wish my mom and my sister still lived here.

Do you get out and do child friendly activities. Library story time can be fun as can going to the library and just reading some books. I usually meet someone at the park to talk to, and when I don't I enjoy the change in scenery. I also try not to compare myself to other parents and beat myself up over my energy level or the times I lose my patience. I learn from them and move on because I am not somebody else.
Sometimes it also helps to fantasize about going on vacation and being alone for a weekend with nobody else except me, in a hotel room. I find planning my fantasy vacation to be almost as enjoyable as it would be to go on vacation alone.

[Viola]

Originally Posted by riverscout

...because parenting seems so hard to me that I don't know why people have continued to reproduce. If I knew how hard this would be I might not have done it. Maybe it's just me though. Maybe I am just incompetent because seriously this thought crosses my mind all the time. How have humans survived if it is this damn hard to raise kids?

It's not just you. Sometimes I think I'd have left at least one of my kids for the smilodons if we were back in the caveman days.

I think parents were a lot harder and stricter on their children, and life was harder and children, like adults, had to work, but the work was kind of an entertainment. And life was hard enough that the ways parents exerted control were not seen as bad, but necessary, and there was more a pecking order with older children and adults.

What I have a hard time with is the emotional angst, how much anger than can be in the house on a day to day basis. You wake up feeling pretty good, and immediately are beset upon by angry children who have problems and demand that you move heaven and earth to fix them, but seem unhappy with every solution.

[katiesk]

Good luck! It is so important to have support - and also to have others who relate to, engage and enjoy your kids. I have found that very valuable anyway.

[rightkindofme]

I haven't been doing this so long but I'm told by most of the moms I know that I am handling things far better than most and that I seem to be "doing a better job" whatever that means.

You wanna know how I do it? I don't have expectations. If I need to cancel on everything I wanted to do today then I do. I'm lucky. This is a tremendous luxury and ... I only have one kid so far and she's just one year old. We'll see how I do in a few more years with another kid or two.

I wanted to be a parent more than anything else in life. This is the culmination of years of hard work and planning. I'm ok with her being the center of my universe and as a result she's happy and I'm happy. If I had responsibilities beyond her my life would be really hard because I don't think she would adjust well. I'm starting to feel nervous about adding another kidlet to the mix...

[RunAround]

Um, your kids are at rough ages. And, in my experience, it doesn't get much easier for awhile. Honestly, I could have written your post a few times since my youngest was born over 2 years ago. Parents have many different personality types and so do their kids. I'm a somewhat tightly wound person and - surprise! surprise! - so is my oldest. And, yes, people who have good sleepers are truly fortunate people. Personally, I think kids who sleep well are an urban myth. Going from 1 to 2 (and our first was and is so, so hard to parent) has been, er, overwhelming at times. Many times.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that. And, don't worry about those homeschooling large families. Most mamas look like they have it together from the outside (yes, even you!).

My husband and I do not have extended family available, emotionally or geographically, and having our high needs oldest cost us most of our "friends". (He has sensory issues, but it was just a matter of not trying the right parenting trick, don't ya know!) So, I finally did the next best thing. I send him to preschool so my youngest and I get a few hours of breathing room each week.

Yeah, I don't know how humans survive given how tough it is. But, truly, you'll get through this.