To tell ot not to tell?

[ZanZansMommy]

I am due to have surgery in June. My dilemma is on whether or not I should tell my DC.

DD5.5 has been having terrible dreams over the past 4 months. All of them involve the death/loss of myself or her Daddy. She's even become a lot more clingy & insists that we should all be together all the time. I realize that this is very common for her age. I'm just fearful that I may fuel her anxiety by telling her the truth. Of course, I have no idea what I would tell her since I'll be in the hospital for 4-5 days.

My 2nd dilemma is on whether or not I should tell my parents. The reason I haven't told them the actual date is because my Dad is very possessive of my mom. It's almost like he's jealous of the attention she pays towards her children & grandchildren. In the past, when she has come for my children's birth, he has called incessantly wondering when she was coming home. It was actually to the point of harassment. At the time it stressed me out & my dad & I got into a very heated arguement. I vowed to never put my mom in the middle like that again. My dad is 60 y.o & there's NO way he's going to change. My mom would more than likely be devastated if I didn't tell her. But I figure I have to have as little stress as possible in order to heal. While having my mom here will help A LOT. Having my dad guilt her & calling incessantly will stress me out.

So what shoud I do? I'm open to all suggestions. btw, I'm more concerned about what to tell my children.

[bezark]

I would tell her, but not make it seem at all dangerous or like a big deal.
Tell her mommy's got a broken spot that needs to be fixed, so she's going to the doctor, and she can visit you and drink all of your dixie cups of apple juice.

I have no advice for the parent situation. It sounds like you know exactly what will happen either way, it just comes down to which outcome you prefer. I don't envy you that situation.

[just_lily]

I think it all depends. Are you going to be in the hospital for a while, or will you be home the same day? What is your recovery going to be like? Is it a complicated procedure, or something fairly routine?

If it is going to upset your daughter's day to day life (like if you are going to be away overnight, or just laid up for a while) I think you should prepare her and let her know ahead of time. Then you have lots of time to talk about what she can expect while you are gone and while you are healing.

If I were you, I would tell your mom. Tell her that your dad stresse you out, so you can't handle him calling all the time. If your mom comes lay some ground rules that he can only call once a day (or whatever you are comfortable with) and turn off the ringer if you have to. This sounds like an issue between your parents, and isn't something you can fix. But if your mom is willing to help, and you want and need that, then I would have her come.

[LynnS6]

Tell. The unknown is always more scary than the known. And your 5.5 year old dd does not have the automatic associations that surgery = really serious illness and therefore mommy might die. She just knows that mommy is sick.

You can explain to the kids exactly what will happen. We've had a lot of surgery in our house over the last year, and even though our ds is quite anxious (so much so that I've seriously contemplated therapy for the child), we've always told him. Dh had colon surgery where they removed 2 feet of colon. I had knee surgery. Dh had surgery to repair a deviated septum about 2 weeks ago.

The knee and deviated septum surgeries were outpatient. The colon surgery required a few days in the hospital. We went to see dh once or twice (he doesn't like to be visited when he's sick ), and the kids were fine. They were much better off knowing exactly what was going on. The helped me ice my knee. They knew to be careful of daddy's tummy/nose.

[MusicianDad]

I agree with telling you DD. Since she's all ready worried about you dying, if you go into the hospital for 4 or 5 days and she doesn't know what's going on, she can only think the worst. If you explain what is happening you can assure her when need be that you will be coming home soon.

[steelmagnolia9]

Since you will be in the hospital for a few days, I think you absolutely need to tell DD. Mommy being away that long and her not knowing why would be scarier, IMO, than knowing the truth. Just calmly explain to her what will be taking place and assure her that you will be home in a few days. Will she be allowed to visit you while you're in the hospital?

[cristeen]

I say tell all of them.

I know here in the hospitals, there are signs everywhere to keep cell phones turned off. If your mother wants to come down to be with you, make sure you tell her (and your dad) that her phone will have to be turned off while in the hospital, so incessant calling isn't going to get him anywhere.

I'd also make it very clear to HIM that his calling constantly and harassing everyone is very stressful and makes recovery more difficult. He is NOT too old to "learn new tricks" - and learning to have a tiny bit of respect is not asking too much, IMO. But he's not going to do it if you don't say something about it.