Spending a night away for the first time

[oceanbaby]

My ds will be 3 in May, and I have never spent a night away from him. He goes to sleep in his own bed in our room, but will continue to wake every couple of hours unless dh or I are with him. Often we just end up bringing him into our bed. He's okay with dh about 60% of the time, but there are times that dh goes in and ds just screams for me. As soon as I go in and lay with him he settles and goes back to sleep immediately. Sleeping next to me he sleeps all night.

He is nightweaned, but is pretty intense about nursing as soon as he wakes up. I one time went out late to a wedding, and then slept in the guest bedroom. Dh slept with ds. All went fine until 6am, when I woke to ds crying inconsolably - he wanted me and he wanted to nurse.

Here's the dilemma: I am due with our second in July, and would really like to go away for a night or two. I'll even sacrifice going without dh, although it would be nice for us both to be able to go somewhere before the 2nd baby is born. Any ideas on how to do this?

Do you think we should leave him at my mom's overnight and stay in a hotel down the street in case there were any problems? Or should we first try him staying here with dh with me gone overnight? Dh has been wanting me to do this forever, but I haven't been ready until now.

Any ideas, experiences, advice?

[robin-ma]

I think that you should first try to leave ds with the person who has spent the most time parenting him at night after you. I imagine that's your dh. Hope it goes well.

Robin

[EMZ]

I have not yet spent the night away from my 2 1/2 yr old but one thing I have learned is that my dd adjusts to new things better than I. For example, when I left her with my parents when she was 14 months old to attend a wedding, she handled it better than I did.

I was so worried about leaving her with her grandparents b/c she hardly knew them (they live out of town) and we were at their house (a strange place) and she was still breastfeeding pretty heavily at that time. She did fine, never missed me till about 1/2 hour before I got home (and I had been gone for about 8 hours) and everything I worried about was all for nothing.

I think if you and your dh go off together, you might just find out your little one is tougher than you think. I know, I kept thinking she was crying for me or traumatized at my leaving or feeling abandoned, only to find out that she had a great time.

[sparklemom]

I don't think he's ready for you to leave him overnight.
I'm sorry you want time to yourself...but the fact is you still have one baby and another one on the way. The days will return when you are able to go on overnight trips sooner than you think.

[Piglet68]

I don't think you'll be able to do this, from the sounds of it, without at least some kind of transition period. I can think of a few things.

You could try having him *and you* stay at your mom's place, have you go out in the evening but come back early, some time after he's gone to bed. So, let's say he usually goes to bed around 8 pm, come home around 9 or 9:30 (maybe call your mum first to see if he's asleep). If he is simply not going to go to sleep, you can come home and try putting him down there. You may end up having to go back to your house if he won't sleep in an unfamiliar place.

If he does go to bed, you'll be there when he wakes in the morning. You might go to bed with him, or sleep in another room and see how he does in the morning, when he doesn't know you are actually there (but you will be there if he needs you).

If this doesn't work, you might try doing this at YOUR house, and having your mum stay over. You go out, and just keep in touch with her by phone.

My feeling, from what you've told me, is that you might get a "night out", but that he's going to need you in the morning. My DD is only half your son's age, but she definitely needs to nurse when she first wakes up and without a long, slow, gentle course of weaning I cannot see this changing (and we're not going to since it isn't an issue for us right now).

sorry! life as a parent, huh?

[Heavenly]

Why do you want to go away for a night? What would this accomplish? Parenting is a 24/7 job in my opinion and he's not ready for you to go away over night from what you've said. Try taking some time to relax, maybe go to a day spa or something or take a nice bath with candles every night after he goes to sleep. Take time for yourself while still being available to your son. The days when you can go away by yourself will be here before you know it.

[riding13]

My dd is 16 mths and just two nights ago spent the night at her Mum's (g'ma). We did it because I will be in the hospital for a few days in May (having my second baby ) and want her to be used to being without me. I was nervous and cried a bit before taking her. I woke up several times during the night worrying about her. Lucky for us, my mil is very supportive of our cosleeping and just put dd in her bed with her. Turns out she had a great time, slept straight through to 6, had her milkie bottle and went back to sleep for another hour. Not a tear shed. Just like home, only a little better than usual for home! However, she has been completely weaned from nursing since 13 mths., unlike your son. I think if it were to work, he should be sleeping somewhere else entirely, not at home without you. Is there somewhere he can go like that?

Also, I do think it is important for you to take the opportunity to have a night to yourself or with dh if possible. Good luck!

Ingrid (New member, first post! but a Mothering reader for years)
Alison 9-5-02
Owen edd 5-31-04

[oceanbaby]

Thanks for your replies. There are different parts of me that agree with everone here! Sometimes I don't feel like ds is ready, and then other times I think that he would handle it just fine.

I don't have an overwhelming urge to be away from ds overnight necessarily, but dh and I are really trying hard not to fall into the whole 'roommates' relationship, and it's not always working out so well. I just thought it would be really revitalizing for us to have a night or two to kind of recapture ourselves as a couple - snuggle in bed without a kid inbetween us, sleep in, go to breakfast, etc. Nothing elaborate, just kind of get a chance to reconnect. With the birth of our second baby, I know things are going to get even more hectic, and I know that it will be at least another year or two before I'll even begin to feel comfortable leaving the baby overnight (or almost 3 if it's like now!).

I like your suggestions Piglet - I think it's a good idea to kind of test it while I am actually there to make sure there is no emotional meltdown. And I think it would be better to do it at my mom's rather than here, so that when he wakes he knows that there is something different happening from the get go.

I don't know if we'll actually do this or not, but it is something that I've been thinking about. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!