I'm desperate...

[anne181986]

Hello everyone, new here! My son was born on the 16th of April and my happiness lasted all of about 2 days. I battled depression as a teenager and young adult but hadn't experienced it in years. A few days after we left the hospital, I began crying for reasons unknown. Then the unknown turned into, "why have I done this to my life?" "did I really even want children?" "can I adopt him out?" "no more late night movie watching with my husband, no more doing what I please, and just simply no more of anything that i want when I want." I'm realizing how selfish it sounds as I write it but it's to the point where I can't eat. I can sleep because I'm exhausted but I just feel like I'm living someone else's life and I want mine back. I talked to my husband and family about it and at first everyone was just saying that it'll get better but it's been a month. Even though I don't cry from morning to night anymore, I still definately have feelings of jealousy toward people that don't have the responsibility of a child. I miss just being able to shower regularly. The fact that I was exclusively nursing probably made it worse in the beginning. I was nursing every hour to hour and a half which meant no sleep for me while hubby was fast asleep. After about a week of no sleep, I broke down and began pumping while being terrified of the dreadful "nipple confusion" but luckily my son didn't experience this. This is the thing, I love my son, I couldn't really drop him off at the hospital steps but there are times that I really really do feel this way. I haven't had my post partum check up yet and I will discuss with my doctor but I'm so nervous that anti-depressants are going to work. I feel like they just may cover up the feelings or make me so groggy that I no longer know what I feel anymore. Someone please give me some hope because I don't think that I can ever really be happy again. I just wish I can turn back the time to the day that I skipped my birth control pill; I know that sounds really bad, please don't judge me for that

[circle vortex]

Im sorry to here. Life is def different with a child. Its hard in the beginign cause you have no sleep. Just deal with each hour as it comes and don't think ahead. I went on Zoloft after my second. I was on it for a few months until I was better adjusted to 2 children. I also had accupuncture to help.
Do you have some friend to come help you with watching baby while you shower, eat, relax. I have some great friends in teh Atl if you need someone. They are close to candler park/ l5p. Take the babe for a stroller walk at the park and meet up wiht other moms. You have a new best friend now and he need you all the time.
I still nurse and my ds just turned 1. I nursed my dd for 2 years.
let me know how i can help

[Aggie]

Hugs to you! I didn't even have "post-partum depression," but I remember actually CRYING from the exhaustion in the middle of the night when my child was 1 month old. You're definitely in the thick of it right now. Definitely try some anti-depressants, but also remember that it gets better with every passing month.

[snowgirl]

It is so hard in the beginning as it is a MAJOR adjustment. You have to find your new normal. Try not to watch tv or read certain magazines, b/c all they will do is make you feel bad that you do not have the decked out nursery and you haven't lost all your preggo weight yet. I hope you get what I mean. I think our media wrongly depicts the picture of motherhood. It is tiring, there is spit up and poop. And our society does not value mothers. So, it is hard.

I have had ppd with both kids. I have gone to and still in therapy for it. It is so helpful for someone to help me process my feelings. I would recommend a La Leche League meeting too. You don't have to have any issues and it is a great place to meet other moms that are going through the same things as you are. Get a support team together too. Reach out, get some exercise, and eat healthy. It will get better.

[GearGirl]

You are WAY more normal than you think. I do think it would help to get treatment, maybe see if anti-depressants help, but your feeling are not uncommon. When I came home with my first, I put my head on dhs lap and cried. I seriously could not believe that people were able to take care of something 24 hours a day with no rest, nursing all the time, I was in shock. It seemed really hard just to get out of the house, and such a hassle. I still shudder a bit thinking about how hard it was to adjust to my first. I was up all night, nursing or pumping, worried about everything, could never have left him so I didn't feel like I could do ANYTHING. I was also the first of my friends to have a baby, so pretty much alone in it. I even had a helpful dh, and didn't really suffer from anything more than the normal baby blues. It was pretty rough for the first few months, but honestly you just get used to it, and all of the benefits take over. I've done it two more times after that, and wouldn't even mind a fourth, so I'd say I pretty much adapted to the whole kid thing. The transition from zero kids to one kid was much harder than one to two or two to three, although I did have some serious shock with # 3 after having no baby in the house for years. It will go by fast, the newness will turn into familiarity, the baby will smile, sit up, play, babble, develop a personality, you will (and trust me, you will) learn to deal with the sleep stuff and the baby will start sleeping better, I actually don't even care all that much about waking up at night with my toddler to nurse, It's soooo much easier than when he was a newborn when it seemed like such a production. I know for some it is just all sweet and full of love, but for me a newborn is some unbelievably HARD work, and when you were able to just do your own thing, it is a major shock to the system to suddenly have no control. You just need to trust that the stage where you feel that might seem like it is going to be forever, but it will fly by. I swear I just blinked and my baby is now 17 months. Your life has changed, you are mourning the loss of some independence, but soon your baby will show you why it is all worth it, and it is. You are not alone in thinking that the newborn stage is hard and in many ways just plane sucks. I was there too. When I'm not in it I think oh the sweet little innocent newborn, how hard can that be? HA.

[sunshine1793]

I totally agree with Gear Girl, and second what she said. It is a really tough transition. In some ways I coped by considering the first year a complete sacrifice for the sake of my baby. Not that I didn't do things on my own, or seek my own time, but 90% of my time was for my daughter, to set up the best foundation I could for her LIFE. She didn't ask to be born and I never asked for her, but there she was, a helpless little being that counted on me for everything. What else can you do but serve them? They don't know that you are hungry or tired or that you used to have a life prior to them. They don't know what it means to be hungry or gassy. They have a pretty steep learning curve as well, without any of the experience we have to help them out. Thinking this way was how I coped. I could push myself to do more than thought I could or wanted to, because I had to for her sake. I couldn't expect anything from her; she was just a little soul who arrived from who knows where and needed me to care for her.

It is very hard work, there is no question. But it is the most important work you will ever do in you life, the loving and serving of a brand new little person. And in that way, it is the most rewarding. It will also strengthen you in incredible ways when you accept the challenge and set you heart to doing the best you can for him. The best you can do is all that is required; there is no need for perfection or feeling badly about yourself. But it is your choice, and one that you make daily and hourly. Do you check out, or do you check in? And, what do you do most often? For your sake and his, push youself to check in. You can do it. It is hard and it is worth it.

The hardest time for me was 1-4 months. 6 months was easier, 9 months was another huge corner, and by a year... What a relief that was. And since then, I have been more and more thrilled at the wonderful, funny, playful, loving little girl that has blessed me in so many ways.

You can do it, mama. Believe in yourself, and in your husband. The first year of dd's life was hard on my husband and I, mainly because I never let her cry to sleep and I nursed her constantly. (And we just didn't have the time to ouselves that we did before.) It took more time and work, but we have reaped incredible benefits for it. Cling to your husband and cling to your baby. Love and serve each other, and take each hour and day at a time. It passes. You are setting the foundations of your relationship with your son, and his foundations for his life. Don't be afraid, rather be courageous. You can do it.

Let me also tell you, you will get your life back. All that you give up will be returned to you, and more, because you will have a delightful little boy who adores you. It won't take that long. Little by little you have more time and you adapt. You find a way to get your showers and do your hair, you get a movie in with your husband while baby sleeps in your lap, or spends a couple hours with friends. Nap times become useful 'me times', and your body adapts to night waking. You baby gets cuter and more responsive, and starts to settle in to life.

(At this point for us, dd is 2, and we really aren't inconvenienced by her at all any more. Last week she even woke up at night, grabbed her sippy of water off the floor and tucked her self back into bed. We thought she slept through the night, and our jaws dropped when we saw her holding on to her cup!)

Seek all the help you can get. An hour here and there, sometimes by yourself, sometimes with your husband makes all the difference. Can someone help you with housework, cooking, etc? I called my *grandma* many times at 7 am just to come and hold my dd because she was up and down all night, and I needed to sleep so I could manage with the baby for the rest of the day! And there were many days that dd and I spent most of the time crying. They pass.

What I remember most are the times I sat on the couch and watched tv while she napped on my chest, her little legs curled up like before she was born. The evening walks with my husband, dd in the stroller. Snuggling with her, and her falling asleep at my breast. These precious times pass so quickly too.

Enjoy your new life mama. These boards are wonderful for any question you have and any support you need. And take advantage of your family.

[riversong]

I've felt a little depressed after each birth and I honestly don't know if it was ppd or sleep deprivation and exhaustion. I just had my third baby 11 days before you and I had a day where I was exhausted and overwhelmed from caring for 3 little ones on my own all day. I sat in the rocking chair to nurse ds2 and thought about putting him up for adoption. I just felt like I needed away out of all this. I don't think I was really serious, but I felt kind of desperate. Later I just cried at the thought of giving him up. He is so sweet and life is getting easier in little bits. I hope you will get the help you need and things will get easier for you.

[BoringTales]

I think you need to make an appointment NOW to be seen, rather than waiting until your PP check up. The sooner you get help, the sooner you will get better.

[rclaz]

I felt the same way when DD was born. I remember sitting in the rocker nursing her and crying because I couldn't go out and pick up the food like my husband was. I wanted my freedom back. I missed being able to just do what I wanted to do. I said to DH that I didn't know why I ever wanted to have a baby. That it was a mistake. That I didn't have the mommy gene I thought I had. That I'd never have another child. I am happily and excitedly expecting #2 I will say that it didn't take a month to go away. I did go start to see a post partum counselor and that really helped. For me it took until almost 3 months and we were in a more regular routine. The thing is before that, their eating and sleeping habits are changing every 2 weeks. Around 3 months they sleep more, they eat regularly and then things shift to a 3 month change, and so on. Once things became more regular, I figured out how to fit my life back in. After a year, I actually felt like I was able to HAVE a life again. DD is 3 and I feel fairly normal Anyhow, it DOES get better, just not necessarily as fast as you want it to.

[darcytrue]

I felt the same exact way you do right after having my second baby and it was terrible. It lasted too long for me. I remember thinking about leaving at night and driving away and never returning. I kept thinking of how my life would be if I took my oldest child and just left, because I was used to him, he was my only and I was happier that way. Not to mention my second child was extra colicky and just overall higher maintenance than my first child was. I hated my life off and on for about 12 months after my second child's birth and I didn't reach out to anyone, not even my DH. Please seek help. Go to your OB or a family doctor. I wish I would have. I was afraid to admit it to anyone that it might be PPD back then and never sought help. This time around I will get whatever help I need.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by sunshine1793

I totally agree with Gear Girl, and second what she said. It is a really tough transition. In some ways I coped by considering the first year a complete sacrifice for the sake of my baby. Not that I didn't do things on my own, or seek my own time, but 90% of my time was for my daughter, to set up the best foundation I could for her LIFE. She didn't ask to be born and I never asked for her, but there she was, a helpless little being that counted on me for everything. What else can you do but serve them? They don't know that you are hungry or tired or that you used to have a life prior to them. They don't know what it means to be hungry or gassy. They have a pretty steep learning curve as well, without any of the experience we have to help them out. Thinking this way was how I coped. I could push myself to do more than thought I could or wanted to, because I had to for her sake. I couldn't expect anything from her; she was just a little soul who arrived from who knows where and needed me to care for her.

thanks for saying this. I try so hard to remind myself of these things every single day right now in preparation for post partum. I have had one child with no PPD and one child with major PPD and I am hoping for the best with baby #3 but will be preparing myself for the worst. Last time I was in no way prepared for how I felt.