how do you deal with "I don't want to"

[snoopy5386]

So DD is 3 and now I am starting to get the "3 year old support threads". She has started lately with "I don't want to" and "No I will not do that" in response to well, just about everything - going to the park, getting dressed, going to preschool, going to eat lunch with DH at his office (complete with french fries, ice cream, a lollipop and tons of people who dote on her). How do you respond? Sometimes she has other things she wants to do instead, sometimes not. I respond with - I know you don't want to, I hear you don't want to do that right now, we can do x after we do y, etc. She doesn't give in, keeps repeating herself and often breaks down into tears/tantrums.
Advice on how to respond?

[sunma]

I hesitate to reply, since I don't have the tried and true answer, but no one had yet, and I know the feeling.
I guess the things I have been thinking about on this subject are about power. It sounds like you are trying to honor your dd all the way around and that is awesome.
The other day, my 3 y.o., after being asked to put her cards away, told me "No, I don't want to, I'm not going to do that. I'm playing with my ball."
At first I felt annoyed that she wasn't minding me (kudos to you, that doesn't sound like your issue), but I caught myself. I gave her a look that let her know I was disappointed and then said nothing. Then I put down her raspberries I had gotten for her. She put her ball down to come to the table, I said, "Now that your ball is down, please put away the cards and then enjoy your raspberries."
It worked. But it also made me very aware of how she needed to feel some control or was trying it out or something. And that it works out better if she feels like she has some. But also that it works out better if I don't get into it with her.
Maybe by talking about it, it gives it bigger energy, makes it a bigger deal. If it is something that you are definitely going to do, say you are going to do it and when she nixes it, hear her, but don't get into the drama of it.
I have no idea if this is useful to you or if I am being clear enough.
Good luck!

[snoopy5386]

I do get annoyed with her, but I try not to let her see it. It is hard, frequently she wants to do whatever it is we are supposed to do right up until it is actually time to do it, then she changes her mind. Frustrating....

[sunma]

Maybe too much advanced notice? I know that with my daughter some things get worked up in her head and it is better not to mention it until we are just about to go or that day, depending on what it is.

[prescottchels]

I dealt w/this issue a lot as a nanny and it seems like often they're testing to see how far you'll let them lead and to see where the boundaries are too. It is good for them to feel as though they do have some control over their little lives, but so often they have to do things they don't have a choice about and it comes up when we don't feel like we have time to reason w/them or give them more creative options. Which I'm all for, most of the time
In the instances when we didn't have the time to be creative I would keep my tone light and simply say, I'm sorry you feel that way, and this is what we're doing right now, and keep doing what you need to do to move toward your goal. If they melt comfort them and empathize w/them the best you can, but don't try and fix it/bribe them. I found that when I kept the drama out of my voice and kept my words simple and straightforward/matter of fact the child was more apt to just be like, oh ok, and come along w/o a fuss. I'm more structured and no nonsense in my approach to discipline too though than some, very loving and understanding, but also very firm. Sometimes I would need to ask if they needed my help or if they wanted to do it themselves to get us going/doing whatever. I would find myself getting frustrated that a child I knew could put on his own shoes for example, was refusing to, but was ok letting me do it if I asked, and it would be so easy all of the sudden lol and out the door lickety split we would be.
I get "I don't want to" at school all the time! and it makes me nuts cuz it's school and school is so often not about getting to choose what you do/learn so finding the balance w/curriculum and keeping them interested is tricky. Sometimes when I'm feeling playful and I can let myself be open to what the kids really want I can ask them what would you rather do? Or when I'm trying to inspire some creativity, in the perfect world of Jimmy what would you be doing now and it can be super fun to open that dialogue up w/them. It works when they don't know what they want to eat too!
Gosh that got kinda long! Hope there's something in there you can use!
Cheers,
Chelsie

[beachcomber]

This is something we're struggling with now, too. DD is nearly 3 1/2 and lately has been saying "I don't want to." to a lot of things. Right up until we leave for preschool or daycare she wants to, then changes her mind. Some mornings getting her into her shoes and coat involves bribery or bartering. Both DH and I have come to absolutely dread bed time as well. It's such a power struggle for her and she WILL NOT give in to sleep no matter what. She fights it tooth and nail every single night, which is exhausting and emotionally draining for both of us. She also does a lot of "I don't want that/I want that!" where she'll say she doesn't want to do or eat something and so when I go to remove whatever offends, she immediately wants it again. The other night, she held on to a cookie she didn't want to eat until she fell asleep. After crying for 1/2 an hour when I took the cookie from her after she told me she didn't want it.

I think it must be really hard being 3. So much going on in their minds. So many connections being made. Moving out into the world through social relationships, external care or preschool. New skills, all the attendant emotions that come with these things. It must be SO hard for them to incorporate it all. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by snoopy5386

It is hard, frequently she wants to do whatever it is we are supposed to do right up until it is actually time to do it, then she changes her mind. Frustrating....

He he, that happens a lot with us, too. For instance he might say "I want to go to the playground" and we say "That's a good idea, let's get our clothes on", and when all clothes are on and we're ready to go, he says "I don't want to go to the playground!"

Sometimes I say "But you just said you wanted to go", and he looks at me baffled, as if that's completely irrelevant - which he actually might be feeling, for all I know! Or he thinks about it and agrees. He's so easily distracted, what he wants one minute, is often forgotten the next.

Like other posters I find that giving a lot of leeway when possible, and making as little fuss as possible when there's something we have to do, works best. We don't bribe, but do try to talk about the reason why he doesn't like or want something - sometimes there's something that can be changed, and sometimes there's been a misunderstanding that can be cleared up.

[ann_of_loxley]

Im not sure there is a 'this can fix the problem and/or stop it' answer. In fact, a lot of times, thats not my goal anyhow and if I find that is my goal I need to step back and chill and take another look - breathe! hehe I guess my only one goal is to help my son grow in a healthy way (this includes emotional health). He is 3.5 and we get a lot of 'I don't want to' and frequently changing his mind/contraditing his own self. I have to say - I have no idea why this is! I am often confused adn find myself asking myself 'why? - Is it for control? This kid has more control over his own life than any other 3.5 year old I know...so whats the deal?' lol... So no answers there. But sticking with my goal, this is what I do (kinda what you do really). I validate his feelings. I let him know I am listening and there for him. I take a step back and ask myself it is something he 'has' to do - usually its not. If thats the case, then I try and work with him for a 'solution' that can meet both our needs (sometimes my need is just to get out of the house - I don't care what we do, I just need out! hehe). I try to give ourselves plenty of time as well - I know DS all too well! (we often get the 'I want to...' and then the 'I dont want to'...and then 10 mintues later crying because we didn't because he said he didn't want to but now he really does and now its too late!... so I try and give plenty of time so its not always 'too late') <<<<if that makes any sense! hehe If at any time he does get upset (its bound to happen - hes super sensitive as it is! lol), then I need to remember not to take it personally or get upset (even though I do find it rather annoying at the best of times!) so that I can be there and connected with my DS, continue to listen to him and validate his feelings and try and empower him (help him move on, help him learn how to come up with his own solutions, hes not the victim, I don't need to get out my violin, etc lol) - It 'working' (if you want to use that term)... He is starting to say things like 'How about I do this for a little bit first (like play trains) and then we can go to the playground (we don't go there are its too scary for him lol, but just an example of where one might go with a small child!) and I think 'yeah okay - good solution! - im happy with that!'.

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

He is 3.5 and we get a lot of 'I don't want to' and frequently changing his mind/contraditing his own self. I have to say - I have no idea why this is! I am often confused adn find myself asking myself 'why? - Is it for control? This kid has more control over his own life than any other 3.5 year old I know...so whats the deal?

Yes, I think you're right, this isn't something that needs to be "fixed", but a normal phase. I think it's a process of finding out about how to make decisions based on wishes, experiencing the various shades of being sure or unsure of what one wants, making plans and compromises with others, learning to accept that sometimes one has to do something, and the feelings that come with that, etc. Well, these are actually things that we are probably constantly learning through most of our lives, aren't they. Complicated stuff!

I think it's often very difficult to estimate how seriously my youngest doesn't want something. Often I suspect he doesn't really know himself, but has come up with a new idea through association - like if he hears a bird outside on the way out he might suddenly feel like he wants to stay in and read a book about birds. In those situations I often feel that it's better not to get involved in a discussion, but that I just say "Come on, we're going now!" I think it's our responsibility to help making things less complicated sometimes, as all the back-and-fro can be rather tireing for him too.

I do see a huge development in this area from a few months ago, though. He's much more capable of making his mind up, and also of accepting things that us parents have decided, than he used to be. I do feel that patient listening, asking and explaining helps him in developing those skills.

[mom2grrls]

How often do you say no or you can't, etc in your day to him? I think it's a phase that 3 y/o go through but if we use less negative they might too

[One_Girl]

Dd sometimes does this when she is tired of going out and just wants a few days to be at home with no other demands. I try to keep enough food in the house to throw together a healthy meal even if it is shopping day so we can stay home. If it is just that she is trying out her decision making power in the family I will usually give her some of the choices to make where I can and empathize and insist we do things anyways when that isn't an option that will work.

[foreverinbluejeans]

It sounds like the 3 year old is expected to do a lot of stuff. There are preschools for 3 year olds? Why would a 3 year old need to go to preschool?

Sure, if a child that young that is expected to do a lot of stuff and given a lot of choices she may protest and not want to do anything. Keeping everything calm and moving from one activity to the next without making a big deal about anything may help. Being calm yourself, play music, sing funny songs, ect.

If a child is going to school the minimum age some experts and some state laws require is age 7. There is no academic advantage of sending a 3 year old to school. If it is day care or mommy time then it is important to recognize what it is and if the positives outweigh any behavior problems the child may be having. If it is day care, your child may do better in home care.