Cannot leave my 3 year old

[sunma]

My almost 4 y.o. dd has always been mama's girl. There have been short periods where she likes to hang out with dad, but pretty much it's all me.
Now, even mentioning that I am going somewhere sets her off. If she is happily playing with her dad, her friends, riding her bike, swimming, whatever, if I say I am running to the store for 5 minutes, she will drop what she is doing to go with me. When it is time to leave a friend's house, she will complain a little and I let her know that she can stay a while and I can pick her up after I go to the store, she happily says, "No, I want to go with you."
In the last 4 years I have been away from my daughter probably less than 24 hours in total.
Here is the thing about that though: She is really fun to be around. And really pleasant. So most of the time, I don't mind. It's not a big deal not to have time to myself because she is easy to be around and she does entertain herself.
My mom said she thought that dd should be able to be away from me. I countered with the fact that none of us mind that dd is "advanced" in so many things, that if she is not "up to speed" with the other kids in this, let her develop in her own time just like we do in the things she does "early."
And this felt right for me.
But...
I had to leave recently for about an hour or 2 and when I came back she told me she had been crying about me. That night my dh told me she hadn't cried at all. She has told me that if I ever have an appointment, either I "can't go" or she will get in the car and strap herself in. It is not usual for her to talk like this. So I think there is an issue of control or power in this.
It made me think that while she is feeling very clingy right now and that this won't last forever and I am ok with it (thought sometimes I do have to go and sometimes I think her playing with her dad is better for her than going to her grandpa's doctor visit and I do need to take some time for myself to be the mom I want to be), I realize that I need to set some guidelines or boundaries, just like I have in other things, happily for all.
The problem is, because it is now such a charged issue, I just don't know how.
Thanks for your thoughts!

[beachcomber]

My nearly 3 1/2 year old DD is very mummy-identified and very much needs me to be with her all the time. It's something I'm quite concerned about now as I'm due with DS in 3 weeks and worry how this is going to affect her.

I have been away from her on occasion - a few days here and there for trips and conferences. She's been quite hard on DH during all those separations. She's better with her Nanna than she is with DH for reasons none of us can figure out.

Last fall we put her into a co-op preschool with very small classes. It took her months to stop crying when left there. Especially if it was me doing the leaving instead of her Nana. Finally, near December, she started integrating better and stopped crying. Then we had to put her into daycare in January and we were literally back to square one. Now it's May and she still cries nearly every time we leave her at daycare, and depending on the kind of day she's having, she'll cry when I leave her at preschool. She cries when I go to preschool meetings once a month, too.

She won't let DH put her to bed and hits him when he tries to comfort her. It has to be me. She's still sleeping in our bed most nights because she wakes up 2-5 times a night and I have to go and comfort her back to sleep. Being due in 3 weeks, it's literally too hard for me to get in and out of bed all those times, so she's back with us. Not something I wanted but couldn't see any alternative.

I try not to push separations with her because it only seems to make her anxiety worse. I just have to hope she'll eventually get better at this. Thing is, I know she's a lot like me. I remember crying when left at daycare as a young child. I also remember crying at the start of both kindegarten and grade one when my parents left me at school. So she comes by it honestly. I just have to figure out how to cope with it and support her through it for however much longer this lasts.

[bendingbirch]

Hi there, BTDT. My youngest was never comfortable with me leaving her, and finally at about 4 and a quarter all of the sudden she started saying she would go places ( like Sunday School ) or whathave you. She even started to want to go to German school like her big sister!
This is the long, personal way to say these things really do work themselves out when the child is developmentally ready, just like a child walks when they are ready to walk and talk when they are ready to talk.
My oldest is very reserved and shy,and still can be very sad if I have to go somewhere, but she can handle it, and I don't think any pushing in the world is going to change her personality...

So, I guess the more matter of fact about it that you can be, the better. The more dad can get some time in with these kids consistently is important, because in my own experience it takes time for these kids to warm up......it takes time to build up trust that dad can really handle things when mom is not there, that mom is not the only one that handle things...

So, in short I guess I would say honor your child's needs the best you can, be matter of fact and peaceful that is okay for your child to be with someone you completely trust, and don't read too much into it all. It really will get better!

Cyber hugs to all of you dealing with this challenging issue,

[octobermom]

Shes is totally normal.. Totally the most independ kids do this. (I have one) reflect and reassure. DD will still play the what if.. What if the line at the store is super long and you'll be stuck there for days? Then I'll say I can't do this today my daughter is waiting.. Well what if a bad guy come here and takes me away.. Then I'll cry and I'll look for you and call the police and the president and search and search till you were safe with me.. ect

Deanna

[heartmama]

Oh she must be my ds' twin at that age!

I especially noticed that you said she is pleasant and fun to be around--that is exactly the case with ds.

Please take it from me--change is the only constant, even with a child who is very slow to move on to a new stage. Eventually she will relax her grip. She might do it all at once, or in baby steps as the years pass.

Like your dd, ds was so advanced in many areas--and I agree it is unfair to accept the area's where a child is advanced, and fret over the opposite when it occurs.

My vote is to not worry about those times when you "must" leave her. When you truly must leave her with someone else the situation won't permit you to sit around fretting.

Take comfort in the fact that your dd WAS okay when you left. She was fine!

Her conversation later was probably about her need to work out that little inner voice of conflict she felt. I think she was vocalizing her fears and asserting a sense of control in order to put words to her inner struggle facing her first little drama, her first taste of the way life can require us to not get what we want in ways that turn out to be fun rather than awful. She was fine and she knew it but she also knew it wasn't exactly what she wanted--and that is a lot for a three year old to process.

If she says "Next time I'll buckle myself in if you try to leave!" just accept this expression and acknowledge her passionate feelings with a "We really love to be together, don't we? We always have fun". I think it is pointless to try and persuade a young child out of these kinds of feelings. She is really too young to reason with you about her conflicted emotions. She only knows what she felt, and wants to communicate it. It doesn't mean you should avoid ever letting her have these feelings. It sounds like the situation was manageable for her. If it had been too much her behavior would have told you.

Remember--she WAS okay when you left her with daddy. She did not cry or suffer or curl up in a miserable corner. Focus on that, and let it reassure you that when the time comes that you are ill and must go to the doctor without her, or other such scenario, she will miss you and be a little sad but she will also move past it and have a good time with someone else.

It is also good to remember that even children who are routinely left in daycare or preschool resist separation. And on the flip side of that--some small children who are never away from mom go off happily without hesitation with total strangers when given the opportunity. This has more to do with innate temperment, than the environment, in many instances.

[sunma]

Thank you so much for this input.
DD is super outgoing, loves being with her friends, loves her dad.
I think the issue is not being without me, it is the IDEA of being without me.
Yesterday she was in the pool for hours with her dad while I was doing work inside. When she came in, after hours of squealing with delight, she asked me with a pained look on her face, "Did you leave?" She was really concerned. Mind you, I don't ever sneak out, but she acts as thought I would.
So I guess, the solution is, don't push it, continue to be with her, and try to uncharge the issue by just letting it go, not bringing it up, etc., and then I could be more able to put boundaries.
I think her issue with it may be rooted not so much in her personality as it has become a sensitive issue because of how I have handled it.
I think that is my concern more than the fact that every 2 or 3 months I really want to be by myself or that rare occasion I actually have to go somewhere she is not allowed.
And besides, her dad is one of the coolest people and I know that one of these days she'll be going everywhere with him, so I must enjoy it now!

[mom2grrls]

My son was pretty clingy with me but like another poster said around 4.25 he was ok and started going to Sunday school