Why do kids whine?

[flower01]

I'm just curious. My 2 yo is driving me nuts some days with the whining. I'm not expecting any brilliant advice. When she whines I just tell her that she needs to tell or ask me nicely - which she usually does right away. The thing is - she almost always gets what she wants... I don't mean that we spoil her, but at home there aren't too many things that we have to say "no" to. We only keep healthy food around, most things that are within reach are her's to play with...so there's just no logical reason for her to whine. If she asks for something, she almost always gets it. Does anybody have any insight?

oh, and she's really not around other kids - no daycare or preschool, so it's not like she's picked up this bad habit from others...

[foreverinbluejeans]

Whining is almost always parent taught behavior. If it doesn't work, learn not to do it.

However, different people have different definitions of whining. I'm disabled and in my 50s. It really irritates me when my 20 year old son accuses me of whining when I am tired and can't talk very loud because 20 years of using steroid asthma inhalers have messed up my throat. What you are calling whining might just be a tired voice and not manipulative behavior.

[alexsam]

I don't knooooooooow!

No, really. My kid was the same way (and I NEVER whine like that for him to learn it!).

If it helps, it does get better in a year or two when they have a little more control and you can ask them to use a different way of communicating. My 4 yr old is much better about it now.

[mamajama]

I think most people get truly whiney when we feel powerless and a lack of control over in our lives. My kids both went through kinda whiney stages so i gave them more jobs and responsibilities and their whining evaporated because they felt important and that they were making meaningful contributions.

[TopHat]

I read somewhere (Dr. Sears?) that newborns are more attracted to their mother's voice because it's higher and more ear-catching. When they're toddlers/children, they use a higher voice to get the attention of their parents for the same reason.

Imagine trying to call your DH from across a busy street or park. You'd raise your voice in, not only volume, but in pitch, too. (Imagine trying to get his attention with a deep voiced "Hey!").

When I learned that, I thought it was pretty interesting and made sense whining-wise.

[WindmillSong]

What a good question! Sadly I've been wondering the same thing...about our 7 year old He whines-alot. If it's time to do homework, it's the "drop down and lay across the chair, and make an actual "whine" act. We are honestly lost, as to what to do...have tried asking him to speak in a normal voice/act his age, ignoring the whining, etc.

[mamajama]

Originally Posted by WindmillSong

What a good question! Sadly I've been wondering the same thing...about our 7 year old He whines-alot. If it's time to do homework, it's the "drop down and lay across the chair, and make an actual "whine" act. We are honestly lost, as to what to do...have tried asking him to speak in a normal voice/act his age, ignoring the whining, etc.

does he have a sense of power and control in his life?

[ChetMC]

Ear Catching

I believe the "ear catching" theory. Whining is very difficult to ignore, and parents desperately want it to stop, which is why so many parents give in to whining... causing it to continue.

It's very possible that the kids who whined more were the ones who were more likely to be given what they needed and survive when resources were limited.

[One_Girl]

I don't have insight, but I have noticed that many adults also whine at times. I think it is because it gets results and it is hard to not sound whiny when you are tired or you really feel like you need something.

[LynnS6]

Because when you're emotional, you tighten up the muscles in your throat.

And, as some pointed out, the higher pitch is more ear catching. And somewhere I read a study that parents are more apt to respond to a whine than a regular voice.

[Ell-Bell]

I hear ya! DS started whining quite a bit when he turned 3 (a couple months ago) it's much worse when he's tired. Often I'll just respond with whatever he's asking for and let it go, but sometimes I will say something like, "I'm having a hard time understanding your voice, can you try to speak more clearly?" DH will more likely say, "You don't have to whine, buddy!" I try not to tell him to talk in a "nice voice" because I dislike labeling his behavior as nice or mean, good or bad, etc. If he's really whining a lot, sometimes we take a deep breath together, then he'll ask me again more clearly.

I think it's been working, I sometimes see him catch himself stopping mid whine and correcting himself- "I waaaaannnnnnt a snnnnnaaa... um, mommy? can I have a snack bar?"

It's tough... I hope it's something that is outqrown quickly!

[DoulamamaOE]

Originally Posted by TopHat

I read somewhere (Dr. Sears?) that newborns are more attracted to their mother's voice because it's higher and more ear-catching. When they're toddlers/children, they use a higher voice to get the attention of their parents for the same reason.

Imagine trying to call your DH from across a busy street or park. You'd raise your voice in, not only volume, but in pitch, too. (Imagine trying to get his attention with a deep voiced "Hey!").

When I learned that, I thought it was pretty interesting and made sense whining-wise.

I do believe though, that kids continue to whine because they get a reaction from you. How do you respond to the behavior? Negative attention is still attention, so kids will continue doing it for the reaction.

[lavender_mama]

Yeah my kid does it too. I honestly don't know where they learn it, I think it's just a common emotional response like crying. I don't agree that it's learned behavior.

My son has whine phases he goes through. They last about two or three months. He's really, really whiney! Sometimes he whines asking for things that he knows damn well I'm going to say yes too! What? That's what I said!

I just say to him "No whiners,". Or, more gently, "I can't talk to you when you're using a whining voice. Can you just use a regular voice so I can understand you?" Or sometimes I'll be harsher and say "I don't talk to whiners." But then, if you say that, you have to stick to it by not giving in until the whining goes away.

If he's whining because I told him he couldn't have a can of pop, I just say "I already said no. Why are you still asking? I'm not talk about pop anymore." Then I stick to my guns and refuse to talk about that subject any more, the matter is closed.

Eventually he learns whining doesn't work and all is peaceful again. Until the next phase! Then we have to start the process over again. But it's not so bad! Just remember that all kids do this. Just stay calm and logical and they'll stop eventually.

[Ell-Bell]

Originally Posted by lavender_mama

Or sometimes I'll be harsher and say "I don't talk to whiners." But then, if you say that, you have to stick to it by not giving in until the whining goes away.

I think the whining is probably because they feel pretty strongly about something and for whatever reason aren't able to discuss it in a rational voice. Or need a gentile reminder to do so. If they're asking for something that you'd give to them anyway, why not just give it to them? I also think that sticking by what you've said just for the sake of making a point is overrated- if we want our kids to be flexible, we have to show them what it looks like.

[lavender_mama]

Originally Posted by Ell-Bell

I think the whining is probably because they feel pretty strongly about something and for whatever reason aren't able to discuss it in a rational voice. Or need a gentile reminder to do so. If they're asking for something that you'd give to them anyway, why not just give it to them? I also think that sticking by what you've said just for the sake of making a point is overrated- if we want our kids to be flexible, we have to show them what it looks like.

Well, I won't give him something he wants when he whines for it because I don't want him learning that whining is how he gets what he wants. It's not consistent. I'd like him to learn that whining is not an appropriate way to communicate, ever. He can ask nicely for things.

Also, I'm not sticking to what I've said just for the sake of making a point. I'm sticking to what I've said because I need to be consistent. If I said you can't have a pop, and I've given you the reason, I'm not going to change my mind just because you whine. If I did that, the whining would never, ever stop. Or if I say I'm not going to talk to you if you whine, then you continue to whine, and then I talk to you even after I've said I'm not going to, that kind of makes me a liar, it makes me untrustworthy, and it makes me kind of a pushover.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being a bitch about it. I'm always gentle and calm when I speak to him. I also always give reasons for the directions I give, I'm not just telling him what to do. Sure, kids whine when they feel strongly about something, but that's not a reason to give in. He might feel pretty strongly about wanting to eat that cookie, but if he's already had two cookies and we haven't even had dinner yet, then no, he can't have one.

[WindmillSong]

Originally Posted by mamajama

does he have a sense of power and control in his life?

He likes to boss his younger brother around...