My father died...should I go to the funeral?

[MaterBum]

My father died yesterday, and I don't know if I should go to the funeral or not. I apologize if this gets long. I just don't know what to do. I'll try to give the most important points to explain where my confusion is coming from.

-My parent's divorced when I was only three. My father was supposed to have the younger kids (myself included) every other weekend. He did that until he and his second wife had a daughter (we'll call her "C"). Then he told me that it was time for me to learn that he had a new family and really didn't need us (me and my 5 siblings) any more, that it was time for us to grow up (I was 9).

-I saw him several times after C was born, but my mom stopped letting us go after one day when he left me (age 9) alone with C (she was only a couple months old) for several hours. My dad made no real effort to include me in his life after that point. I had to call him and ask if I could see him for Christmas or my birthday. Sometimes the answer was yes, but mostly, a lot of excuses why it wouldn't work out. I stopped calling and trying when I was 12.

-When I was 17, he showed up out of the blue one day and said he was going to leave his wife, and he wanted to try to put me and my siblings back in his life. He gave me a little jewelry box; two weeks later he had a stroke while driving and was in a coma for months. When he came to, he never recovered his memory. All of us were strangers to him.

-His wife followed through with the divorce, placing him in a state home for the past 20 years. I saw him a couple of times, but he wasn't in there, if you know what I mean. My oldest sister (12 years older than I) continued throughout the years to pick him up out of the home and bring her to her house to visit several times a year. She has good memories from before my parents divorced.

This is really hard on her. She doesn't understand that I don't feel that I really knew him, and I definitely don't have positive memories. To make matters worse, my half-sister C (whom I get along with) and my other sister (L, whom I also love) hate each other. They are already pitted against each other. L asked me this morning to come to the funeral and sit by her to show C that I am "with her," whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. C is afraid that all of the siblings will be "against" her at the funeral, because they are afraid to be nice to her in front of L.

So I don't know what to do. Part of me doesn't want to go to the funeral because I really feel like I said good-bye to my father and any hopes of knowing him 20 years ago after his accident. My kids don't know him, neither does my spouse (they have seen him at my sister's house, but that is it.) But part of me feels like I should go to support both C and L (C lost her mother to cancer two years ago, so now, she feels completely alone.) But I worry that there is no way I will be able to support both of them without hurting someone's feelings. L expects me to be there for HER; C feels the other siblings already hate her (one of my brothers and I are the only 2 out of the 6 that include her in our lives) so she's feeling very unsupported at this time.

So do I go and sit purposefully away from both of them? Do I not go at all? Do I go by myself if I do go? Or do I take DH with me as a buffer?

Any thoughts? Advice? Thank you for reading if you got this far. I know it's tedious work through someone else's emotional mess.

[MeepyCat]

I was going to say, go to support your sister, but then the whole detail about you sitting with someone to show support for her against someone else, and that's a pretty big wrench in the works.

I would say, call C and say that at this time, you have to support your entire family. That means her, it means L, it means your other siblings, all at once. So you can sit with her, but you also need to talk to L, to comfort her too. You're not choosing between them.

By all means, yes, bring your DH as a buffer. Set up a signal that means "get me out of this conversation!" (one you can use from across a room), and one that means "we have to go now."

[youngwife]

I *think* what I would do is to step back, consider the long term effects either way......

Will you regret this 10-20 years from now?

What example will this set for your children? (And this is not at all meant to place a judgment, just to present something to consider)

Do you feel that you need closure?

Do you feel your father is worthy of honoring him by attending his funeral?

Only YOU can answer these questions, and there is no wrong answer. It is going to depend on how you feel about the situation, and what you can live with.

I hope you come a solution that gives you peace,

Rebecca

[MaterBum]

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I know this probably makes me sound even more awful, but I forgot to mention that the funeral is Monday. That is my dd's b-day. We had planned a day at the zoo with a friend, and then dinner at a restaurant. We already canceled the family picnic we were going to have on Sunday because that is the day of the viewing.

Anyway, I just wish someone would wave a magic wand and make this all easier for everyone.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I would go. And, as a pp said, I would make it clear that you're not choosing "a side." You're going for yourself, for your father, for what could have been, for, if nothing else, that moment in time that you had together just before his accident.

I also think that it's good modeling for your dd - and that's a hard one, to be sure, but it's also the way life works. Joy and celebration are so very often juxtaposed against grief and hardship. In some ways it's the latter that make us appreciate the former.

I would go and then make an effort to make every other thing about that day a celebration for your daughter.

Just a small personal anecdote, fwiw: the day that we finalized the adoption of my daughter (a huge day for us, as if it were the day she was born) was the same day that we buried my uncle. We literally went from the courthouse to the funeral home, making it just in time to walk in the family processional. I had a very complicated relationship with my uncle (he was more like a brother to me than an uncle) and in many ways it was hard to "give" any of that special day to him.

But the amazing thing was that it also put things in perspective about the incredible fragility of life, the gift that life is and the way that we should live every moment in gratitude and joy. I know that seems hokey, and it's something that most of us probably feel at funerals (I'd hope, at least), but it was even closer to home because we were celebrating life AND death in the same day. Interesting.

I hope you find peace in whatever it is you decide. I do think there's no wrong decision, really, unless you let others determine for you what the day means.

[poiyt]

I can relate to the same sort of issues - but this is your thread, so I wont hi-jack. Instead, I shall offer you how I made my decision.

I took absolutely everyone out of the picture except for me and my father. I realized I shouldnt make my decision based on what others wanted me to do, or fight their battles for. The death of a father, whether involved or not, is a big thing.

You need to decide if *you* need to go to the funeral. Do you need to go to have some closure? Or will going just further feelings of anger or resentment? Will going allow you to move on? Do you need to move on?

Take everyone out of the picture - and focus on what you need at this time.

[Juvysen]

Sounds to me like your sister needs the support, if nothing else.

[DivineMrsM]

i don't talk to my father. haven't for years. i honestly don't know if i will go when he dies. but *IF* i do, it will be because *I* need to or want to. not out of obligation to anyone else. not out of feeling like i need to be there for anyone else.

as a PP said, do it or don't do it, but make sure it's what YOU want or need to do.

good luck with your decision.

[Ifluffedthree]

I would go. I would take DH. I would sit with my DH separate from all the others pulling at you, and set the tone for peace at a time when peace is needed.

You will have many days to be there in the future for both L and C and let it be know that for Monday you are there for you and your father and will be available for everyone else afterwards.

I am sorry this is an extra difficult time on top of a difficult time. Peace to you and all your family.

[UUMom]

Your sister needs you.

[Rosehip]

Go for your loved ones who are grieving. Tell them you are there to support them in their grief, but be clear that you are not there to engage in a tit-for-tat with other grievers.

My mom went to her father's funeral after having had essentially nothing to do with him for decades, and his having been a lousy and irregular presence in her childhood. I think that having gone, she'll never wonder if she *should* have gone, and that's a good thing. She wasn't particularly upset by his death, so she didn't go out of her own grief.

[ell]

I would go. Prior to that I would make it clear to both sisters that you are not choosing sides, but that you are simply going to pay your respects to a man you did not know well and did not understand, but who is your father. You will sit with neither and will make no "stand" with anyone, but simply quietly and respectfully mourn and return to your home.

[Tracy]

Go for you. Go for your sister. It is really the official good bye spot. Yes, you said goodbye years ago but this is the official one.

Push your daughter's birthday to the next weekend. By that point all of this will be over, you will feel fresher and it will be a better day for you and your dd.

Monday is about letting go. officially.

Hugs. It is never easy saying goodbye to parents but I think it is extraordinarily harder when the parents were lame because it leaves such a complicated debris field.

[cdahlgrd]

I hope you went and said good bye. Let us know how it went. Hopefully there wasn't too much family drama.

[cares007]

according to me you should go to your father funeral because this is the time you close to him and you support your entire family.forget the past and go ahead yourlife.at the ends choic is yours if you go to thier funeral or not.