Does GD ALWAYS work?-long

[dfunk98]

i have always tried to discipline gently and, as of late, dd seems to be walking all over me and dh (or trying to, anyway). growing up, my mother always yelled at me when i did something wrong. never spoke to me, explained to me why what i was doing was unacceptable, etc. this has had a really profound affect on me as a parent and i try really hard not to follow in her footsteps. i still have alot of hurt in me from those early years.

back to my dd. lately, i have resorted to raising my voice a bit after the direction i've given has not been followed (ie. me-"time for school, let's get dressed", dd-"no, i'm not doing it", me-"i'll help you put your clothes on, let's go pick them out", dd-"no, you do it yourself" keep in mind, dd is saying it more like "NO!! YOU DO IT!!, in a sassy way, shaking her head and furrowing her eyebrows). yesterday, she refused to get her socks on to go to the park (where i needed to drop off my niece for soccer), so i took her, no socks or shoes, strapped her into the stroller and walked the whole way there with her screaming. i told her now that she had no socks and shoes on, we could not play at the park, we just had to drop off my niece and go right back home. today, same thing with the shoes (transitions are very hard for her, even when given enough time, choices, warning times, etc.). i had a lll meeting i needed to go to, so i told her, "i have no problem taking you without shoes, remember yesterday at the park?" and i carried her down to the car without her shoes (i brought them). she cried halfway there, then finally put her shoes on. later, at a friend's house, i told her it was time to go and she ignored me (i know she is testing me). so i picked up ds and said to dd "we are leaving. i'm putting him in the car and then i'm coming back for you, but we are leaving". she quickly got up and followed behind me and said "bye" to her friends.

now i know this is only one day's example, but i feel like being firm with her and not explaining, giving consequences, etc. is working better already. i'm looking at it with a "this is how it is" approach, like "we're leaving", not "it's time to go. i know you are having fun with your friends, blah, blah, blah.." kwim?
all day, i've been reacting to her this way, (asking for juice at friends house and telling her she has water in her water bottle) bc i feel like she needs to respect me as her mother, not her equal. i am the authority figure and while i value her thoughts and feelings, she doe not make the final decisions in things like this (ie. telling me to get her dressed, telling me what to do, etc.) do i care if she has juice, no. i just want her to listen to what i say. i feel like i'm starting from scratch, discipline-wise.

i just want to know how many of you feel like gentle discipline always works, regardless of the child, or that there is some wiggle room? i'm not shaming or screaming at her, just being very firm and matter-of-fact. i guess it still could be considered GD, no?
thanks for listening.

[DoulamamaOE]

I don't think you've gone out of the realm of gentle discipline. I am a firm- matter of fact kind of mom, but I don't hit my kids, or scream at them. To me GD is respecting them, and keeping yourself under control. Sounds like you are...

Every kid is different, and I'm sure someone will disagree with me, but not all kids will respond the same way to "GD". Some may love to go to their room and think, while others may scream about it. Kids aren't cookie cut, and parenting shouldn't be either!

[momma_unlimited]

I wish I was as GD as you!

[alexsam]

Nothing you have said is NOT GD. Gentile Discipline still means discipline. There can be rules. They can be firm. When a child honestly knows what is expected and why (like with the shoes) there is nothing wrong with a short order solution. There is nothing wrong with a parent being the "leader" and needing to get things done and GD doesn't mean you have to put up with a child being disrespectful.

In otherwords, you have not been violent or disrespectful of her. You are changing and flexible to address different needs with different approaches.

I don't think you are starting from scratch, I think you are building your bag of resources as to reading your daughter and how to respond. I'm sure when the testing tapers off, you will find yourself again able to parent more flexibly.

I think you did a great job .

[One_Girl]

I think gd works. It sometimes takes time and is sometimes really hard and there are times when I have had to be firmer than I usually am, but it does work with perservearance. Testing phases are hard no matter how you parent. It is really hard to stay consistent about boundaries when a child is trying out multiple techniques to get around those boundaries. People who use other discipline styles feel the stress of this to and they are just as prone to questioning themselves and trying to find other things to do to stop the stress and the testing.

[Grace and Granola]

It was on this very website that I read an article about doing things just as you are. About how children want to do the right thing, and they want to be included in what you're doing. So instead of begging a child to come to the car, you say it ONCE, "It's time to go to the car." And then YOU walk to the car. The child does not want to be left out, so they will come. It take some practice, a few times of doing this before they realize that the new rule is MOM MEANS BUSINESS! Of course, you never make them afraid of being left alone, or like they are excluded. But you say what you mean and then do it, and the child will likely follow. This doesn't work for every scenario, but I've been trying it with my two year old who ignores me all day long, and for some things it's really working. I am much less frustrated!

[frontierpsych]

I guess the question is-- what do you do if GD *doesn't* work? Does it make it okay to hit or shame children? I don't believe so. There are so many different parenting styles that fall under GD. If one approach doesn't work, try another. It doesn't mean you have to be un-gentle, just creative!

[dfunk98]

thank you mamas, for all your words of encouragement. i feel that i have just been at the end of my rope with dd, behavior-wise. her sleep patterns are all off, too, so she is just out there. i'm really trying to find my ground, while still being gentle.

there are times when she is especially sassy that my mom will say, "ooh, she needs a little slap in the butt", but then i wonder to myself, "when does it end?" i feel like spanking is like a floodgate, once it's open, how do you close it again? in my mind, that's not how you teach a child respect. you need to show them respect. that's one thing that always stuck with me, growing up. my mother demanded respect from me, but the way i was spoken to and sometimes treated didn't show me respect. my mom and i have a really good relationship now, but i want to show her (and myself) that you can raise children with rules, understanding and love without shaming or spanking.
anyway, thanks again for listening and all of your kind words!!

[bendingbirch]

Your little one is four and a half right? I think there is way to be gentle here, and still have the natural consequences of the situation follow through, which you are doing...... GD is about having a boundary in a loving way.

I think many GD parents fall into over-explaining to a 3, 4,5 year old year (and even 6 and the highly distractible seven year old!) really needs LESS words, more physical doing with warm and gentle hands, warm smiles, less choices.... I think with the clothes situation she might have been telling you she wasn't ready for the responsibility of it all to pick it out, even together. My four and a half year old could care less if I lay out her clothes, it frees her up to play!

To me, once you get into a whole bunch of words and are engaged in sort of a battle of wills it is sort of lost, so really structuring things so you have less opportunity to engage in that can be helpful...

One thing that might help is really thinking your day through the night before and setting up your rhythm to carry some of this stuff. Like the clothes are laid out the night before. We always put our shoes on (when we get to the park?), we always put boots on before going out in the rain...If things are always the same, the way the sun rises and sets, then it is harder to set it all up for "NO!" There will still be no's, there will still be conflict....But can you say it once, gently follow through in a warm manner (lots of inner work for the parent here!), can you sing or hum and just have that peaceful mother hen kind of energy that it is all okay, that sort of knowing expectation without words that things will be okay......

And picking your battles. With the shoes I might have said, "You can put them on here or you can put them on when we get to the park". Those very limited choices for the higher stress things..

I have shared these posts on this forum before, but here is one on Parenting Through Developmental Challenges
http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...mental-stages/

Here is one on the advantages of less talking overall and more warmth and smiles: http://theparentingpassageway.com/20.../stop-talking/

And this one regarding Peaceful Living with the Four Year Old, if you scroll down there is a section on gentle discilpine with the four year old ( I probably should break that off into a separate post so folks can find it easier, but just scroll down toward the last third of the post, it is a longer post)
http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...four-year-old/

If you search my blog under the tags "Children Under Age 7" or "no spanking" you will hopefully find other things to help you out.

Give yourself a hug, parenting a four and a half year old is just sometimes a challenge!

[phathui5]

when she is especially sassy that my mom will say, "ooh, she needs a little slap in the butt",

Repeat after me, "Mom, since I've chosen not to hit dd, I would appreciate you not saying things like that."

[LynnS6]

GD is not the same as always talking everything out. Certainly talking about feelings and working on verbal, not physical solutions is ideal. But it doesn't work in every situation.

Sometimes talking escalates the situation. Sometimes my kids interpret my explanations as an invitation to debate. Sometimes my kids do better with less talk and more action. Such as, when we're at the park and we need to leave and I've given warnings. I will begin to walk (slowly home). Not in a "I'm going to leave you here" way but in a "It's time to go and I know that you will follow me way." Dd always does.

4 1/2 seems to be the age for sassy talk, 'no! I won't' 'no you do it'. Dd turns 5 next week and I can actually see that we're coming out of it. I've only wanted to strangle her about once a day for the last several months.

[LessTraveledBy]

Don't forget the joy of humour... it can be very helpful. Sometimes just the right look in the eye can solve a problem. And the sillier, the better, many times, at least with our 4 y.o. "This dinosaur is about to go... it is the really fast kind with red spots... It is about to look for food on its way... Seen any rabbits around?" Sometimes the less sense I make, the more dd loves it and goes with it...

[octobermom]

GD isn't a solution its a process discipline is on going and gentleness should be forever. Its odd but one odd thing most punitive parents allow them selfs is the knowlege that I will punish for this and if it in the future it gets repeated I will punish again. Yet if talking and finding a gentle way of dealing doesn't result in a perfect child people say GD doesn't work.
As for the bluntness I'm blunt and its kindest for me to be this way with my DD. SHe is a mini me and I used to (Still do) HATE when my feeling were "reflected" so to hear I see you really want to play at the park... We have to go get milk to me came out like I KNOW you want to play but tough luck WE ARE going to get milk so there! It was always much kinder in my mind to hear Today we can't play we have to go get milk we will come latter this week. My DD is the EXACT same way. I can see it in her body and everything.

Deanna