or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Why is my ex always so inappropriate?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Why is my ex always so inappropriate? - Page 2

post #21 of 29
Oh momma You have found yourself in a VERY rough situation. I think it's time you are HONEST with yourself! your son! and your husband!!! This xh is dangerous! There is NO REASON he needs your cell phone- have him call your DS or your home phone. This is stalking, and it's out of controll!

You need help setting boundaries and dealing with conflict. I also don't think you have dealt with the physical, emotional and mental abuse you have suffered from your ex husbands. THEIR mental illness' are THEIR problems- you are colatteral (sp) damage PLEASE seek help- via free services or through a chruch. PLEASE! For your own sanity sake, for your safety and for your DS and DH's sake!!! Talk to them and get some outside help!
post #22 of 29
Email or letter to XH (possibly cc DH):

XH,

I've been doing some thinking and have realized that my attempts to be civil and non-confrontational may have been interpreted by you as a desire to continue our relationship on some level. This is absolutely not the case.

We are divorced, and thus our relationship is now solely about our shared custody agreement - nothing more.

From now on, our communication will be strictly limited to what needs to be discussed regarding DS - his schedule, his appointments and the like. We can set up a weekly phone call to confirm visitation for the week - does Thursday at 6pm work for you? If something needs to communcated regarding DS's visitation that can't wait until the next weekly call, you can leave me voice mail at XXX-XXXX, or email me at X@X.com (I will check that email every night). When you leave me a message, be specific - for example, if you need to change the next pickup time, go ahead and state that. I will reply, usually via email, to confirm or answer any specific questions related to DS's custody arrangement. Any vague messages, such as just "call me back," or even "it's urgent," will not be answered; only specific messages concerning visitation or DS's welfare.

Upholding my end of our custody agreement is important to me, and I will continue to be responsive and reliable in that regard. However, I will not be entertaining any further personal relationship with you, as we are divorced.

Sincerely,

Anglyn
post #23 of 29
Good letter, laohaire - clear and direct. I like it.
post #24 of 29
I can't imagine why there would need to be weekly calls. Their son is 17 years old. If the son or the father ever have a conflict with their scheduling, can they really not work it out amongst themselves?
post #25 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverSky View Post
I can't imagine why there would need to be weekly calls. Their son is 17 years old. If the son or the father ever have a conflict with their scheduling, can they really not work it out amongst themselves?

For my situation as a mom of a teen, it is a nightmare when my ex plans things without my input (teen forgets other obligations and just says yes, teen gets stressed out, feels guilty for forgetting stuff, etc.), and it is not legally allowed by our agreement. Visitation varies and legally, must be approved by me. So BRIEF emails and even briefer, occasional phone calls are necessary...but the keyword is BRIEF.

I am moving toward teaching the teenager how to manage one's own life/schedule, which will come in time.
post #26 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack View Post
You've been through counselling, but what about your son? You have a nearly-adult child who is going to have to spend the rest of his life with a mentally ill parent and you won't be able to run interference. In some ways, there are worse things than allowing the issues to come to a head this year, whilst your son still has you to help deal with the fallout- because what he's done to you, he'll do to your boy.
And yes, my boys are pretty clear on my ex's vagarities now at 10 and 8. If your son is getting worried, he KNOWS. He won't have all the information, and what he's imagining may be worse than reality, but he knows and he needs help to deal with this. It's a lot for a kid to handle, even a big boy of 17.
I'd be consistent with refusals, start documenting with a view to a restraining order and always, always, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't make it about other people. Talk about your own feelings, wants and needs.
Oh, and I hate the idea of him spending x amount of money and you topping up the rest. You're giving him control over your money, in effect, by not stipulating a clear budget in advance. It sounds like you resent these requests anyhow, so start from that point.
We went to a psychiatrist once and all they did was talk to him for about ten min and prescribe antidepressants. Turns out they dont really do counseling, so I want to find someone who does but now ds is totally turned off of the idea. I have bought the book "Toxic Parents" but so far he hasnt read it. But I agree, he needs counseling and someone thats not me. WhenI try to talk to him about his dad he feels I am putting him in the middle. I will try again.

No, I dont let him tell me how much money to give, but he certainly TRIES to control that!! I have told him that if he expects me to split something with him, he needs to ask me that IN ADVANCE, if he does not have prior aknowledgement from me that I will indeed pay part of something, then it is all on him. Then he likes to call and give me a list of what he's spent. Sometimes he gives me itemized lists he's written out on notebook paper. I'd love to itemize the money Ive spent over the years but I dont have that kind of time or pettiness and frankly its just ridiculous.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post
i read this entire thread and i think that life is testing you with your ex. he is holding you hostage to the guilt feelings you have over your first husband's suicide. unfortunately, being held hostage by your ex endangers your current marriage. your husband would be (rightly) pissed if he knew what you are putting up with, and the extent of it.

as far as i can tell, the only solution to your situation is to get to the root cause of your anxieties, and work through them to the point that you let go of the guilt surrounding the suicide. for what it's worth, *it was not your fault* that the guy killed himself. seriously. lots of people piss us off in life, it happens to everybody. most people don't kill themselves over it.

the man killed himself because he was mentally unbalanced. you would have to have severe mental problems to commit suicide. the fact that you were leaving him (or whatever i don't remember the circumstances you listed exactly-- but you know what, they are not important), the fact that you had involvement in his life was merely circumstantial. if it was not *you* it would have been someone else or something else that "pushed him over the edge."

when you realize that you don't have to feel guilty about this guy's death, it will be much easier for you to cut loose (emotionally) the ex husband and put him in a more appropriate "ex husband" place. then you can get on with a singular focus on your current marriage, instead of sneaking around to hide the ex's calls and his obsession with you from your husband.

does this make sense?

please please focus on letting go of the past. then you can focus on the present, and move forward into the future. good luck!
I think there is truth to that and I think he also plays on the guilt I feel over our son. I initiated the divorce (at the time ds WANTED to be around his dad)and I moved him 200 miles away from his father, his grandparents, his friends, his school etc. In effect, "ruined his life" as he says.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Momtwice View Post
For my situation as a mom of a teen, it is a nightmare when my ex plans things without my input (teen forgets other obligations and just says yes, teen gets stressed out, feels guilty for forgetting stuff, etc.), and it is not legally allowed by our agreement. Visitation varies and legally, must be approved by me. So BRIEF emails and even briefer, occasional phone calls are necessary...but the keyword is BRIEF.

I am moving toward teaching the teenager how to manage one's own life/schedule, which will come in time.
Yes, we tried the route of letting it all go through ds and it was a disaster, for all those reasons.

Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
Email or letter to XH (possibly cc DH):

XH,

I've been doing some thinking and have realized that my attempts to be civil and non-confrontational may have been interpreted by you as a desire to continue our relationship on some level. This is absolutely not the case.

We are divorced, and thus our relationship is now solely about our shared custody agreement - nothing more.

From now on, our communication will be strictly limited to what needs to be discussed regarding DS - his schedule, his appointments and the like. We can set up a weekly phone call to confirm visitation for the week - does Thursday at 6pm work for you? If something needs to communcated regarding DS's visitation that can't wait until the next weekly call, you can leave me voice mail at XXX-XXXX, or email me at X@X.com (I will check that email every night). When you leave me a message, be specific - for example, if you need to change the next pickup time, go ahead and state that. I will reply, usually via email, to confirm or answer any specific questions related to DS's custody arrangement. Any vague messages, such as just "call me back," or even "it's urgent," will not be answered; only specific messages concerning visitation or DS's welfare.

Upholding my end of our custody agreement is important to me, and I will continue to be responsive and reliable in that regard. However, I will not be entertaining any further personal relationship with you, as we are divorced.

Sincerely,

Anglyn
Love the letter and think I will use it. My ex JUST, like within the last few weeks, starting using email. Up until not that wasnt even an option for communication. We also dont have a home phone. With everyone having a cell phone, we were paying a good chunk of money for a phone that only telemarketers called so we got rid of it. I visit clients all day, so am not in the office to answer that phone either, so everyone gets my cell number, as a mobile, work and home number!!

I figure its not worth going back to court since ds will turn 18 in just over three months. I checked the divorce papers, the custody arrangement is in effect as long as the child is under 18 so that answered that.

DS failed the math portion of the taks. He has never failed any section of any standardized test before, though he has struggled with math this year all along. Due to this, he now has two weeks more of school. I was not aware that this would or could happen. I dont know why the shcool didnt make sure people knew this was a possibility. Anyway, you guys would be proud of me. I let x know that ds cant come this weekend, it will be at some point after june 5th. I then ignored about 12 text messages and three vm's basically trying to make this my fault somehow. The only response I sent was one text to say: "If you continue this behavior, I will disconnect both phones and you will have no way to contact ds or I. I know you are upset, but that doesnt make it ok to harrass me so no, I will not call you."

And I meant it. I will disconnect or at least change the numbers and he will never get ahold of mine again.

Now, some advice please. X called DS, I could hear ds through the wall yelling and arguing and crying. He then was so upset he coudlnt function to study and so informed me to expect him to fail all his finals tommorow.

Since ds seems incapable of just ignoring his dads calls and/or hanging up on him when he gets like that, should I cut off his phone? I hate to cut him off from his friends all summer like that, but I am tired of his dad doing this to him! What would you do?
post #27 of 29
I think you should get DS a new phone, and convince him not to give his dad the number.
post #28 of 29
Oh, Anglyn That's such a very sad update to me. I am very glad that DS is going to be 18 in three months...however I do hope you can convince him to get into counseling. Maybe you should start with WHY you filed for divorce- and not the sugar coated version you've been feeding him for years. I'm not trying to be mean, however I know that most divorced moms (and often dads) don't tell their kids the real reason why...and ALL of my friends that have struggled to deal with their parents divorce, the ones that took things the hardest were the ones that HAD NO CLUE why!

Are you religious? Is there a church or clergy member of your chosen religion that your DS could talk to? That might help him see that this is VERY toxic behavior- but at the same time dealing with one's toxic parent at 18 is very unlikely. It's just not something we are prepared to do, nor is our brain (IMHO) ready to accept that.

Also, maybe you could call the phone company and block XH's number from DS's phone for the time being? Is that possible? Or give him a disposable phone for the next 6 months or so that's ONLY for friends and you and emergencies...yet keep the existing phone for his dad when he wants to deal with him? Just spit ballin here

Honestly? If this was my child- whose studying hard and is on the phone with a screaming lunatic personality I would calmly walk in there and take the phone from him and speak to XH and say "This is no acceptable for you to speak to DS this way. I'm taking his phone away until after finals, to give him time to study. DS will be allowed to CALL YOU from my phone, however right now he will not RECIEVE calls. Do not talk to him like that again." and I'm sure you are going to have to add "We are divorced, and since DS is almost 18 I'm stopping this inappropriate behavior. Please, get some help." and hang up. How very sad....
post #29 of 29
Thread Starter 
I considered going in and taking the phone away. Im alway so torn between protecting him and letting him learn to handle it. People are always telling me I have protected him too much and for too long and once he leaves home, will have to deal with his dad on his own. I get that. But I still WANT to protect him! Anyway, I did not hear the argument til the end, and by the time I knocked on the door, he was off the phone.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Why is my ex always so inappropriate?