What is expected...

[Super Glue Mommy]

I was just thinking...

The "mainstream" expects parents to treat their children a certain way. This popular way we are expected to treat our children is much less kind then what would be acceptable for a stranger to treat our child. It's much less kind then we hope their friends will treat them. It's much less kind then we would treat a strangers child, and much less kind then we hope for them to treat others.

What happens if that ended up being true? Imagine if our children's friends treated our children the way we hope they would. If our children's teachers all treated them the way we hope. If all strangers were all kinder and more gentle minded towards our children. And imagine if all this were true while following the mainstream parenting suggestions : overbearing control over the child, scolding, punishing, etc.

Who would our children feel most safe with then? who would they trust? Should we then be surprised when our child seeks guidance from a friend instead of ourselves?

I just wonder if its connected. Children wanting to fit in however they can with whoever will be kind to them. Not speaking of the parents here, as we obviously have different goals then the mainstream - but where does a parent expect a child to turn when making decisions - towards someone who is kind to them, or someone whose "job" (parent) it is to be harder on them then anyone else they will ever meet in life (as a ideal, however faulty it may be).

They hit their children - but would not want their child's best friend to hit them. They yell at their child - but would expect a babysitter, daycare provider, or school teacher to speak to their child with more respect then that. They would not be okay with their teen's boyfriend/girlfriend if he/she stood around yelling and scolding her/him. So when those ideals are met - those people ARE being kind to their children - what does that result in? Where does that child place their trust? In the parent whose "job" it is to hurt them and do things that would be considered unkind if done to them by a friend/teacher/spouse/stranger? Or will they turn to the person who is kind and respectful towards them, even if the advice that person is giving isn't truly in their best interest - because perhaps they find it easier to trust the person being kind to them DOES have their best interest at hand?

Is there a benefit to being a parent who is the most gentle, compassionate, understanding, unconditionally loving, forgiving person in their life? That when they are curious about something and we share our opinions they will value it because they know we would not hurt them, and they have known this longer then they have known any other person?

Okay, I'm done with my senseless rambling now

[PlayaMama]

TOTALLY!!!!!!

i've often thought about this when the news starts saying that the problem with our children is that they "don't respect their elders anymore."

like, MAYBE, that's because no one respects the children in the first place, starting with CIO, and progressing with spanking and all that other mainstream stuff. how is it that the only way to get respect is to FORCE it?

ugh, i really can't think about this too much or it sends me into angry over-drive

[Super Glue Mommy]

I understand Carrie!

It's like kids don't respect their elders? no one respects ANYONE anymore. People EXPECT respect solely because of their age (entitled much?) but they are unwilling to dish it out!

It doesnt seem like rocket science to me that people respect others when they are respected. I mean, if your boss came into your office and said "You are a slob! This report is a mess. You're fired if I get one more report like this!" I doubt the employee is going to say to themselves "man I realy respect that guy!" However, if the boss had been respectful in the first place, the report probably would have been better from the get go. The employe would like his job, and want to do it well, even if the only part of the job he liked was his boss (some times thats all it takes!) And if a report was off and he came in and pointed out the parts of his report he liked, and then moved on to say "with our next report, lets try to head more in this direction" the employee would be more open to that.

Anyway, it's every where you look. People feeling entitled to respect and in fact, having that entitled feeling seems to result in them being some of the MOST DISrespectful people around!!!

We know the way to gain respect from others is to treat them respectfully. Yet again, this does not apply to children.

We say to our children "You know, you;d catch more flies with honey then vinegar" but we ourselves are being vinegar parents.

When I say we I mean society as a whole... the meainstream... and of course the mainstream views these alternate ways of things as risking being extremists. Sometimes I wonder if America is more socialist then it admits, but thats another discussion in itself...

Amazing though, how when it comes to parenting the extremists are the ones who say "hey, we treat adults this way. we expect children to treat other children this way. we expect children to treat adults this way. we as adults should treat children this way too."

It seems though, that what tops everything else is the belief there must be an exception to every rule.

Rule: everyone should aim to be kind towards everyone else.
Exception: except for parents towards their children.

And really, expecting that the "rule" can be accomplished with an "exception" like that? Teach kindness by being unkind? What are we saying about love here? A parent is seen as having some kind of ultimate love for their child... and that means to be unkind to them? Is it not obvious that would risk a child associating unkindness with love?

As with anything, there are degrees of unkindness. If those who are tortured become serial killers, and those who are abused beat their wives, do we really except the next step down to "just" yelling or "just" spanking will result in gentle ones? Or can we accept this will result in people whose social skills may likely include controlling or aggressive behavior?

Of course we all make mistakes, which is another beauty in it all. For those who try to break the cycle and slip up they can apologize. They can send the message that sometimes we make mistakes but we can make restitution. It's okay to be wrong. It's okay not to be perfect. BUT that does not make it okay. It doesnt make it okay to yell or hit or be unkind. THIS is the message that must be sent. Of course, ideally, we would never do those things. I am trying to break the cycle my family has had in motion but I HAVE yelled. I have also apologized and continued to work towards change until the cycle was successfully broken.

But to say a child "needs" to be treated that way. or "should" be treated that way... the concept is completely lost on me. It seems to go against all common sense to believe such a thing.

[keilonwy]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

It's actually how I hope to help my son making positive choices when he gets older - knowing that he has a family who loves and respects him just as he is. I know that some of my *ahem* less proud moments in my life have come out of just wanting to fit in with people who approved of me. I hope that DS knowing that we love him and respect him - and don't just pay lip service to it, but actually ACT like we love and respect him! - will help him to confide in us when he needs a shoulder as he gets older.

[SunShineSally]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

I understand Carrie!

It's like kids don't respect their elders? no one respects ANYONE anymore. People EXPECT respect solely because of their age (entitled much?) but they are unwilling to dish it out!

Isn't that sad!

Like I have said to my STBDH talk to him with respect so he will LEARN respect after I said that to him he totally changed the way he speaks to Ds

I wish I did not feel sad watching others. We are not at all perfect but I like to learn from people watching. At Ds's pre-K I find it so sad that some parents pay more attention and talk sweeter to others children while they scold their own for showing them something because it was rude to interrupt Yes it is rude but you child is showing something to you in school most of the time it is their picture on the wall or a friend of theirs

I hope that our childrens generation learns more from other people and that true kindness goes far yes we need to sometimes be less than nice but I hope that the children learn when that is needed. what a dream I have eh?

[dulce de leche]

Brilliant post! ITA