For those who are co-sleeping...

[ShineliketheSon]

I'm just about ready not to ever tell anyone anything I do as a parent!!!! I hate how people feel the need to tell you it's wrong what your doing. (so non co-sleeping mamas please do not comment negativily about co-sleeping here, I've done my research and have chosen the best choice for me adn my child, thank you for respecting me as a parent).

DD1 ballet instructor asked how DD2 was sleeping. (FYI she is pregnant with her first child) I should have just said great...but no I said "Great, we are cosleeping this time and it works great." She came back with "Really, aren't you afriaid of rolling over on her? Did you know that 300 babies die a year from that?". I shoudl have known as she is very traditional/medical in everything and I'm pretty crunchy. So I hesitated and then responded with " Babies can die from so many things. I don't worry about those things. I worried about that with DD1 but it works for us this time. DD1 needed her space anyway. Besides, do you know how many babies die from sids alone in their cribs". I wish I had a better response but that's all I could come up with on the spot.

There are so many risks and benefits to every parenting decision...both sides can come up with the neg/risks about the other that everything really is a personal choice. Why can't we just respect that of others and comment with " I'm glad that's working for you".

Anyway, anyone have a better quick response for that situation should it come up again??? But I plan to stick to the "sleeping GREAT" and leave it at that next time!!!

[herins]

I like to use the "hmmm, where did you read that?" response, because, unless they can cite their sources they tend to back down pretty quickly. I also stopped "admitting" that my first baby wasn't sleeping the night because I got too much unwarranted and unwelcome advice.

[AFWife]

I get the Dr. Sears newsletter and this was in the last one.

I'll be back later nak

[Peony]

I didn't look at the Sear's article AFWife linked but I just cite his study that he did with his wife and one of their babies. James McKenna (sp?) has great cosleeping research as well. If non of that works then I'll say with laugh, something like "well I'm not getting out of bed 10 times a night to nurse, and haven't killed a child yet by cosleeping" and then change the subject.

[Murph12334]

thankfully my parents haven't asked yet about where this babe is sleeping. They did with dd and i'd hear it constantly - so is she sleeping in her crib yet - blah blah...we co-slept for 14 months or so. She weaned at 14 months or so - and she was getting to be too much of a bed hog.
I tried to site many sorce, and show babies can die of sids in their cribs. and explain i'm not loosing more sleep getting up and down to nurse at night... Finally I just lie and say yup sleeping in the crib and go about my day.

[fruitful womb]

The last time I mentioned to a friend that I was co-sleeping I thought I'd get an earfull. Suprisingly she said, "Wow, I wish I could do that."

I don't even own a crib. To me its a waste of money.

I'm sorry you had that reaction. I've learned to say, "I'm glad you had a good experience!" in the case of a hospital birth, given that I'm a huge advocate for homebirths (because I really want the mother to reflect on her experience as a positive one) or "Glad thats working out for you!" what ever choice that may be. I do have personal convictions against genital cutting on normal healthy genitals. In which case, I do say something. Its just a reaction in hopes they'll think twice about it. Something like, "Why is there something wrong with him?"

I don't think you can get that kind of reaction from a non-co-sleeping, crib bound parent. To them, co-sleeping is scary. She is probably a first time mom who hasn't challenged anything that isn't mainstream.

I think what you said to her was a great way to get those wheels in her head turning. Most definately sounds like you planted seeds!

[liseux]

Every mammal sleeps close to their babies, we are the only ones that have to make it so complicated. In truly cosleeping cultures the rate of true SIDS is very low, the babies hear our breathing & sleep less deeply than if they were alone.

[emmaegbert]

Its so not anyone else's business where people in your family sleep and how well they sleep at night. I have learned to just kind of give a fake answer to those questions unless I think its coming from someone who truly wants to talk about it. If this woman brings it up again or asks you more questions you can probably just decide to approach it positively (ignoring her ignorance, you know?) but otherwise I'd just assume she doesn't really want to know anything, and plus, she probably can't really imagine what parenting a newborn is actually like if she's not had kids yet.

Cosleeping has been great for our family and I can't imagine doing anything different. Its totally the norm in many other cultures. I will tell people if they ask directly but otherwise I don't say too much about it because I think many people do get sort of defensive about their own assumptions/choices. (I often don't mention things we do in our family unless its really relevant... like that we are vegetarian, are raising tv/video free kids, use cloth diapers). But far be it from me to tell other people what they should do if cribs work for them.

And, this idea that newborns (or really any babies) should be sleeping "through the night" is silly. Something would be wrong with a baby that didn't wake up to nurse. (And, plenty of adults don't sleep through the night either!)

[herins]

Originally Posted by emmaegbert

(And, plenty of adults don't sleep through the night either!)

I'm certainly not!

[herbalshakti]

Originally Posted by liseux

Every mammal sleeps close to their babies, we are the only ones that have to make it so complicated. In truly cosleeping cultures the rate of true SIDS is very low, the babies hear our breathing & sleep less feeply than if they were alone.

I agree completely. Plus everywhere else in the world babies sleep with their parents it just makes sense, who would have thought to put a baby away from the mama it is strange.....

I don't know exactly the statistics but I believe Japan has the lowest rate of SIDS and they have a huge co-sleeping population, an article I found
http://asklenore.info/parenting/sleep/cosleeping.html

I really feel you on the note of relating to more traditional mothers, I feel that way all the time especially since I am a lot younger(im 25 most 1st time moms in my area are in their late 30's) I have chose to homebirth, not vax, cosleep etc.
My point is as long as YOU are questioning and crtically thinking about things that most parents just surrender to you are doing a great job. Too much wrong doing has been allowed to happen to our children and our world and its about time that the mamas stepped up and reclaimed our babies and our right to raise them with our hearts!

[fairymom]

I just do what comes natural to me in parenting. And that's what I tell people in situations like that. And what comes natural is different for everyone.

I have co-slept w/all my child in one form or another. With my first 2 they'd start out the night sleeping in their bouncy seat right next to my bed and then when it was time to eat they'd come in w/me (sometimes I'd put them back in the seat sometimes not). I did this naturally/instinctively (sp?) at 17 without doing any reading/research first- I was young and figuring it all out on my own. My fear was more that I wouldn't hear them if they cried or had problems breathing in their sleep and having them close let me sleep than rooling over on them.

I agreeing parenting/mothering should be a place where we support each others choices wether we agree w/others choices or not (w/the only exception being when someone is harming their child). What works for you may not work for me but you love your child just as much as I love my own.

[bodhitree]

I haven't yet had to deal with people giving me static about cosleeping, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually. I plan to respond by saying that you can't argue with results. When River sleeps snuggled up next to me or her dad (taking precautions of course to keep blankets and pillows out of her face), she sleeps all night, only waking up to nurse. When I put her down to sleep in her cosleeper, just a couple feet away from me, she almost always wakes up within five minutes and starts crying. Cosleeping is working so well for our family, and I really love it. I get to wake up next to my happy, snuggly baby every morning! When my daughter is all grown up and out on her own, I don't think I'll regret any moment that I spent snuggling with her when she was tiny.

Okay, getting off my soapbox now. On a practical note, I have the same approach as Emma: for the most part, I don't really bring up aspects of our crunchy-granola lifestyle unless someone asks. It works great.

[liseux]

"And what comes natural is different for everyone." Fairymom

This is so true!! I never use strollers, but I see moms that seem so happy to have their baby in a stroller & it may be how they envisioned themselves as mothers, so I don't knock it for them. Its the same with cosleeping. Its not for everyone, but to us it makes the most sense and my dh loves the extra time he gets to be near the baby.

[ShineliketheSon]

As a mom to be, she's just going by research and maybe even only onesided but we all know things change when the LO arrives and real life begins!

Thanks everyone! I really needed to hear these things. I hate how sometimes I let others veiws overtake me, alot of time it's subconciously. I did have a hard time sleeping last night. I awoke many times from dreams that she wasn't breathing or just a feeling that something was wrong. At one point I even grabbed her arm and it was cold so I rubbed her and she squirmed, she was of course fine but in that split second I thought something was wrong. She was also very squirmy and grunty all night long. I am cutting out dairy to see if that helps her gassiness and may give her a full dose of gripe water before bed. DH and I decided we'd try and put the crib next to the bed with one rail off tonight and see if it works having her cosleep there, then she can also get used to the crib but with me next to her because we may eventually have her sleep in her crib, but who knows, we may like this arrangement....I'm not making any "plans" with this one, we are going with the flow. I never intended on co-sleeping with LO it just happened and worked as long as we were both sleeping well...now we need to readjust a bit. Thanks again for the positive words. I am going to keep my crunchy ways to myself from now on unless asked....the hard part is I'm an open book, and tend to forget to mums the word!

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by herbalshakti

I agree completely. Plus everywhere else in the world babies sleep with their parents it just makes sense, who would have thought to put a baby away from the mama it is strange.....

I don't know exactly the statistics but I believe Japan has the lowest rate of SIDS and they have a huge co-sleeping population, an article I found
http://asklenore.info/parenting/sleep/cosleeping.html

I really feel you on the note of relating to more traditional mothers, I feel that way all the time especially since I am a lot younger(im 25 most 1st time moms in my area are in their late 30's) I have chose to homebirth, not vax, cosleep etc.
My point is as long as YOU are questioning and crtically thinking about things that most parents just surrender to you are doing a great job. Too much wrong doing has been allowed to happen to our children and our world and its about time that the mamas stepped up and reclaimed our babies and our right to raise them with our hearts!

GREAT article. I will keep this one and refer back to when needed for a positive boost! I feel the same about traditional moms, I was 24 when I had my first and I'm now 28 with my second and I do things totatlly differently from many moms I know....positive parenting (no spanking, yelling, positive words), CD, nonmedicated birth with MW/Doula, no vax or delyed vax, no circ, baby wearing, co sleeping etc.... This is why my sister and I do not get along. She can't accept that I choose what I do because I did my research on both sides of everything and feel this is best for my family. She just thinks I choose to do the exact opposite of what she does, as if she has THAT high priority in my life! This is also why I am on MDC so much as there are alot of crunchy mamas on here for support!

[IncaMama]

confidence. just exude confidence. they're talking about their fears, its natural. i think that the more ppl see cosleepers feeling confident in their choices the less bizarre it will seem. when ppl ask me about it, i come from a place of pride and absolute confidence in my choices and i'm rarely, if ever, challenged on it.

"aren't you afraid of rolling over on her?" - "of course not."
"you know 300 kids die every year from that" - "exactly - that number is so much smaller than the number of kids who die in cribs, die in cars, die at the hands of others, etc. it makes me feel even more confident in my choice to share sleep with my family."
"don't you worry that she'll NEVER leave your bed?" - this is met with instant laughter on my part, followed by - "i doub't she'll ask me to come with her to college. when the time is right, we'll sleep separately. but for now, my 6yo and my 3yo sleep with their daddy, and my 5wk old sleeps with me. we love sharing beds while we sleep, there isn't anything more beautiful than lying beside the ones you love while you drift off to sleep. why wouldn't i let my children experience what that's like? if you had a choice between sleeping with someone you love and sleeping alone, what would you choose?"


and no matter what, when you walk away from that conversation, smile knowing you're making the best choice for your family.

[emmaegbert]

IncaMama is right, its usually fine to just smile and say how happy it makes your family to share sleep.

And Shine, do you have "crunchy" friends IRL? MDC is great, but its been nice for me to have friends with similar approaches to parenting in the real world. Of course we are still different (duh), but in the very least it certainly helps me with practical ideas about how to make our lifestyle work. And it makes me feel less defensive!

FWIW, I think a lot more people "secretly" co-sleep than they let on- and I don't mean people (like me) who might just not mention it, but people who think its wrong or weird, who don't have a label for it, who think they shouldn't say anything about it because people will judge them.

[BennyPai]

I have friends of differing parenting styles and similar parenting styles IRL. There are always differences of one sort or another, and I try to focus more on what we have in common unless I come under attack or someone wants to learn more about my ways.

I am happy to be a co-sleeping family! My mother co-slept with all of her 7 daughters, and I feel it is the best parenting decision she has made. I'll never forget the safety and warmth of my mother's bed.

I would be nervous to have my little one too far away, as I may not be as responsive if I didn't have close contact.

On rolling over: Can't remember where I read this (of course), but here is a thought: How many adults roll out of bed at night? Do you roll off the edge of your bed at night, or do you remain conscious of where the edge of your bed is even while asleep?

There are studies which back up co-sleeping as well! There are plenty of statistics to support the co-sleeping parent.

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by BennyPai

I have friends of differing parenting styles and similar parenting styles IRL. There are always differences of one sort or another, and I try to focus more on what we have in common unless I come under attack or someone wants to learn more about my ways.

On rolling over: Can't remember where I read this (of course), but here is a thought: How many adults roll out of bed at night? Do you roll off the edge of your bed at night, or do you remain conscious of where the edge of your bed is even while asleep?

Love that part on rolling over!! So true! I am such a light sleeper anyway so am well aware of LO next to me. My main concern is the blankets, I can't sleep without one but am concerned about it going over LO face...so we tried the crib side last night. LO slept somewhat in it but ended up right next to me sometime. We didn't sleep much last night anyway as LO decided to just be wide awake starting at 11pm (right when I got into bed) and finally slept from 12-2 then up from 2-5. UGH!

I do have both traditional and crunchy mom friends here and I tend to enjoy having different conversations with both of them. So I have friends of differing parenting styles in that aspect, but they must have a positive parenting style, otherwise it just doesn't work for us.

Alot of the crunchy moms I've met here are a bit too all or nothing for me. We do a little of this a little of that. My best friend only does CDing and BFing otherwise she's very traditional and we are the greatest of friends. I can talk to her about anything...but most others I pick and choose my topics with usually I know the safe ones and the ones that will not be fun!

[emmaegbert]

Originally Posted by ShineliketheSon

Alot of the crunchy moms I've met here are a bit too all or nothing for me. We do a little of this a little of that.

I know what you mean... sometimes I feel like I get it from both sides because I am not crunchy ENOUGH for the hard-core hippie moms, but I am some kind of weirdo compared to other moms. Luckily, I have a quite a few interesting, smart, thoughtful mom (and dad) friends who aren't just toeing a party line but making choices that work for our own families and situations, and we are (for the most part) able to be really respectful and supportive of eachothers' choices.