step parenting woes

[anothermama]

I don't know if anyone here can lend any insight, or at least recomend a book or other website maybe???

I was a single mama for 4 years and got married in October. I was pretty picky about who my dd met, so as a result, my dh is about the only man who's been in out life in this way.

She's clearly trying to establish her boundries....or something. While things are a bit better, her first reaction to him is to be defiant, rude, and sassy. When questions arise, she doesn't take his word. When he tells her no, she yells at him and runs to her room to slam the door. If we're playing around and he does anything a little bit "outside the box", she gets angry with him. Etc etc etc. At this point my dh is getting very discouraged and feels like giving up.....I'm worried because we are expecting another in May and I want there to be equality in our house, not different people treating everyone else differently. I'm also tired of her not listening to him....I'm going to need his help much more with her when the baby comes and it's not helpful when I have to mediate everything. I back him at every chance I get, but I don't know...do I "force" her to listen and be nice? Am I just worrying too much about it because it's only been about a year since we moved in together???????

Any thoughts or recomendations are appreciated.:

[Suzetta]

How old is dd?

I think that if dh is loving, consistent and patient, she will come around. He will gain her respect only after she accepts him. In the meantime, depending on her age he may want to back away from trying to take full authority. Maybe he can parent her for the more routine interactions first, and defer the big stuff to you. Once she gets used to his presence and realizes that he is not there to steal her mom away, she will come around.

Good Luck

[newmommy]

Hi there, I'm not sure if I can do this and hope I don't get permanetly logged out or anything, but I'd like to recommend an AWESOME stepparenting website called steptogether.org.

I don't have experience with this situation but believe me, there are thousands of threads pertaining to your case. Give them a chance when you get a moment.

HTH!

[LoveBeads]

Hiya!

I can tell you this - I am the mommy of an almost 4 year old who is NOT in a step-parenting situation and we have the exact same thing! I don't think it is a function of a step-DD/step-father situation, I think it's just a 4-year old thing!

If you have been together for a year, this is the only father that your DD has ever known. She's not treating him like a step-parent, she's really treating him like her own daddy (gee, won't that make him feel better to know that real daddies get this kind of treatment !). I think he needs to read the boards and see that this is completely normal! My DD is in a mommy phase where I can definitely relate to her in a better way and she is pretty sassy and "no-ish" with her daddy.

Tell him to hang in there!

[anothermama]

thanks so far...

dd is 4....nearly 5....and I've been single her whole life, but I should mention she DOES have an involved daddy. He lives near by and we have shared custody.....

I see that indeed she is going through a very mama-centric phase, because she ALSO is getting this way with her daddy a little....

I guess I'm just at a loss as to how to handle it. I don't like it when she's rude and disrespectful to DH, so do I punish that? How much lee way do we give her, considering that she's never had two parents under the same roof..???

Thanks, newmommy...I'm going to check the site out today.

[Czen:)]

Hi there,

We had qute a similar situation. My DD was a bit older then yours when I remarried and her father is also very much in her life. She seemed to feel that she was somehow betraying her father if she acepted DH in a father role. The route I took was to tell her repeatedly that DH was not her father, BUT he was her parent! And that she was required to speak to him with respect at all times, just the same as I required the same towards myself. When her and DH clashed I would just say to her he is your parent and he will deal with this issue - and then I would leave them to it. Worked very well! DH prefered to handle it, it demonstrated to him my confidence in him as a parent, and to my daughter that I stood by my words. Yes, there were alot of clashes in the first few years, but eventually it all evened out. She now never disputes his right to discipline her, check her homework, or just generally parent her.
I'm so glad we established that in the beginning. We are into the teen years now, and defiance sometimes rears its ugly head. At those times I don't know how I would have made it through with out DH to take over and put his foot down. Trust me, the teen years are a whole new ballgame!

I think it also helped that my X-DH was supportive of my DH also.

Don't know it that helps at all!