Gd'ing "older kids"

[UmmSamiyah]

my kids are driving me crazy. i am trying really hard to not even yell at them. but they don't even pretend to listen to me. i have told DS (6)at least 3 times just today not to touch my niece's toy and he of course finally broke it. i was so mad. to make matters worse after i put him to his room he told DD (7)he was jumping out his window (on the second floor) and running away to my mother'
s house. she of course freaked out. mind you se is already in trouble. so when i basicallly ignored her. she told him that i didn't care about him dying and was in tears. i freaked out yelled at her then yelled at him for scaring her. please help. i don't really have time right know to read a lot of books. can someone reference a website or suggestions? i just want to hide in a corner and cry. i can't believe how obstinate they are.

[Calidris]

step one is probably to take the toy away after the first warning (just like when he was a toddler )


Mine is 5 and similar in some ways, so I will be hanging around to see what others say.


Also, How to Talk so Kids will listen is a great book, and a fairly easy read (I think it is also available as an audio book) even if you don't have a lot of free time.

[UmmSamiyah]

your right i should have physically taken it away. i didn't think i really needed to do it either. i am so mad at them today!:

[UmmSamiyah]

now he's threatening to jump out the window. what am i doing wrong?

[mama_mojo]

Can you just let up on the being in trouble thing for awhile? Sometimes, when I keep feeling like I'm just mad at my kids (9, 7, 4), I realize something is actually wrong with me, and I let many behaviors just pass wihtout comment. Chances are really good that if I were not already irritable then they would not be in trouble anyway.

[mom2grrls]

Take a break- go outside and play or if the weather is bad play a game. Get the mood lighter before you try to deal with the issues at hand A couple of websites i've read are http://goybparenting.com/ and http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/ . There are a list of books and websites on this forum up top also.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Big safety question -- could he, in fact, manage to jump out the window? Because he might not realize that would be a bad idea. So if he really could do this, you need to address it, but first you need him in a safe place, which probably means out of his room and supervised by you. I realize this is "giving in" to his threat, but better safe than sorry at this point. Maybe an active chore as a way "out" for both of you.

For next time, I find the best possible approach with my older kids (6 and 9) is to have them figure things out for themselves. Something like this, "I am concerned about you playing with X. Why am I concerned?" Then let him list what might go wrong. CHances are then he will be much less likely to continue to touch said toy. Older kids are just as prone to power struggles as little ones, this heads if off nicely. And gives them credit for being older and able to think things through, giving them some positive feedback without having to say anything about it. And teaches them to forsee consequences. So far, this has been the best technique I've come up with.

But also just like toddlers and little kids, you also need to make sure you are covering the basics for prevention of issues. Is he playing with toy because he's bored? Jealous? Curious? Solve those underlying needs.

[bendingbirch]

Hugs to you! Actually, many parents find six year olds to be very challenging, and to me six is many times like an exuberant, out of bounds ramped up age four. Have you noticed that at all?
I think always going back to basics - how much energy is your child getting out? The other thing I think is important at six is to still keep the environment structured, because six and even seven year olds will pick up anything that catches their eye and play with it and such. It drives parents crazy, because their six year old is "supposed" to be school aged and follow directions and generally six year olds don't follow verbal directions too well at all without your physical presence. In some ways it is going back to setting the limit, following through with gentle hands and all that.

I have several posts about the six year old on my blog that might help:
http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...-six-year-old/

And this one:
http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...-six-year-old/

Let me go back and read your post more...

[bendingbirch]

I absolutely agree with the last poster that underlying needs require examination. Many times a six year old will need some planned kinds of activities inside and then the ability to go play outside freely and blow steam off, but trying to "blow steam off" inside often just leads to trouble. A six year old really does many times need some structure other than free play inside..... And the attention of a six year old still seems to be little for many of the six year olds, and they may need help with figuring out things to do that don't involve destruction of property.
All the fun things to think about! But be easy with yourself, six is not an easy age!

[One_Girl]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It sounds like he is angry and dissapointed with you and himself because of his choice and the consequences it brought. I think he is trying to make sure you know he is angry by saying something that he knows will get your attention.

My dd says she wants to run away and she mutters loudly about how mean I am whenever things aren't going her way. I acknowledge her anger, reaffirm the reasons behind why she can't have her way, and tell her she can run away to another room and live there until she is done needing space from me if she keeps telling me she is going to run away after that. Sometimes I send her into the backyard to run away because it is fenced and I don't have to hear her mutter. If I feel like I have been unfair and not giving her a lot of opportunity to make her own choices I reevaluate that, but that isn't what usually happens. She makes almost every choice, but lately she wants to make all of the choices and that isn't working for us. I think that saying she will run away, moaning, and muttering loudly is her way of making sure I know she is angry and dissapointed, but I don't feel that I always need to rescue her from that. I do usually pour a cup of coffee or tea and read until she wants to be near me again.

[LynnS6]

This is a perfect age for the ideas in "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen".

So, when your ds threated to jump out and run away, you can say "Wow, you sound really mad at me." When your dd came to you worried, you could say, "I know he's really mad. Do you think he's really going to do this?"

And yes, he probably does need more outside time, and maybe a little more structure inside.

[Ruthla]

What I'm hearing is a lot of unrealistic expectations on your part.

He's 6. Yes, he's not four anymore, but he's also not 12 yet. 6yos act "like toddlers" at times, and when that happens, you need to treat them like toddlers. A perfect example is with the toy. He gets one verbal warning, and after that you physically remove the toy.

Punitive actions (such as sending kids to their rooms) often makes things even worse, as then they're even madder at you for punishing them, and then they feel unloved because they're being punished. IMO, a 6yo should never "be in trouble" like that- you play innapropriately with a toy, the toy gets taken away. You break something that's not yours, you help brainstorm ways to make reparations to the person who owned the item (apologize, and/or save up allowance money to replace it, etc.) What probably ended up happening was that he felt bad about himself for breaking his cousin's toy and then, on top of all that, he felt like he lost your love.

The only times I've ever sent a child to his or her room is when the child is being too loud (yelling/crying/etc) and I just need them in another room, behind a door, until the noise level calms down. I don't set any time limit for this kind of "time out" it lasts only until the child is calm enough to come out and talk like a human being. I've also sent them to other rooms in a non-punitive way if they wanted to play a noisy game (you have two choices: play something quieter in here or play that noisy game in your room with the door closed.)

I also think your 6yo needs to be educated about window safety. Explain that he could die if he fell out the window. Maybe show him some videos of objects (melons, eggs, etc) being dropped from about the height of his window to illustrate this point. If he's really, really poor about impulse control, you may need some sort of safety device on the window itself so he can't climb out.