Would you say anything?

[VisionaryMom]

DS is just finishing up his first soccer season. It's been...interesting. It's a non-competitive league (no score-keeping) that's supposed to be focus on learning the terminology and basics of the game. Our coach hasn't been great at that and has focused more on shoving the kids around to force plays, but we can deal with that.

The bigger problem I have is that our coach only comes to every other game. His brother (who has been *much* better with the children) comes to the other games and coaches. Why? Well, because the coach and his ex-wife have a pretty contentious custody issue. On his weekends with his son, she comes but stays outside the fence. On her weekends, he doesn't come at all.

DS also goes to a flag football clinic on Monday nights. The woman who leads it is the youth sports director for the Y. I'm thinking of mentioning the situation to her tonight. We're definitely requesting *not* to be on this team in the fall (the coach has mentioned wanting to keep all of the kids together). I think this has convinced DP to coach next season anyway.

I just don't think it's a good situation for the other children to be in either (and that says nothing of what I think about it for the child of the coach). DS has asked where Coach M is a couple of times, and we just say "I guess he couldn't come today." One game got cancelled because of rain. It wasn't on his weekend, so he didn't even call the parents to let them know. We called the Y to check, but others showed up thinking we still had a game.

I'm not sure how the director could handle it tactfully, but perhaps she could say that they do expect coaches to participate in all practices and games unless there's an emergency. Or perhaps I'm overreacting, and it's no big deal. Would you say something?

[babymommy2]

Is it aparent to the children playing that there is strife between these 2 parents? If not I think I would react depending on the age of the children. If they are quite young players, age 3-6 (these are the ages of my little soccer players, so this is my perspective) soccer is more about getting out and running around and having fun, so I don't think have 2 different coaches alternating is such a big deal. Our teams all have 2 coaches, all volunteer so of course there are times when one isn't there. If they are older and you are expecting some skill development, then consisitancy is probably more important, or if the kids are old enough to pick up on any wierd vibes going on, then I might request my child not be on that team. I don't think you can request that coach not be a coach though. All you can do it give your perspective, and then it is up to the organization if they choose to keep him around or not.

[VisionaryMom]

Yeah, I'm not sure if they have policies to turn down coaches or not. I'm assuming they do something with background checks for child abuse/sexual assault offenses since that's pretty standard here.

As for the kids, the biggest problem I see is that he still doesn't know all of their names. DS is one of the ones he can't remember sometimes. There's a girl who's refused to play because he won't call her by the right name. We have 2 players who've essentially quit. Their parents told us that they didn't enjoy it.

I don't think the children notice any hostility. It's definitely there, especially b/c Dad's girlfriend comes to the games when it's his weekend, but it's pretty subtle. I think even if the kids notice bad vibes, they're not sure why.

The problems I see are that a) the situation is rife for more hostility. I've definitely seen them snipe at each other in the parking lot. And b) that he's not aware of what the kids have learned/practiced/how the games went, etc. He also doesn't handle the more administrative part of coaching - when to show up, a drink schedule, etc. If he's not going to be there that weekend. We didn't get the schedule until the day before the first game, for example. We weren't told when we had team pictures (wasn't his weekend), and that sort of thing. I think he's probably generally unorganized, and that's combining with only being there in a half-hearted way to make it worse.

Everywhere I've lived has been volunteer coaches as this level (which yes, is under-6) up to high school, but the coaches still committed to being there all the time. I've never had a situation where someone agreed to coach but then only came half of the time.

[Jenne]

Huh. I'm NMY but I've volunteered for things with the upfront understanding that I would handle every other week or once a month--like Sunday school. If Sunday school was different (canceled or whatever) on the weeks I wasn't responsible, I wouldn't be the person calling. It may be that the 2 coaches worked out with the organization what they would each do. It may be that the organization doesn't care how they work things out. What is the organization's coaching and volunteering policy?

It sounds like maybe this guy just rubs you the wrong way, that's okay. Don't be on his team again. Are you glossing over the rough handling and taking your feelings about that out on these other issues because they seem more legitimate? (Just a guess...)

As for saying anything, I guess I'm at a loss for what would be worthy of mentioning (aside from the rough handling). Has there been any altercations between he and his ex? If so, I'd probably mention that as it is unsafe but you didn't mention that in our OP so I'm assuming there hasn't been. So then you'd be reporting what? A lady stands outside the fence and watches her son play soccer? I guess I'm just not sure what you have to complain about.

Great the your dp is going to coach! That's awesome! I think that is the best way to handle your dissatisfaction with the situation.

Jenne

[funkymamajoy]

I would request to be on a different team next season. But if asked why, I would be honest.

[limabean]

I'd just consider that a co-coaching situation and roll with it. It sounds like your problem will be solved next year since your DP will coach -- the other parents have the freedom to switch teams too if they don't like the way things are being handled. I wouldn't say anything.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Jenne

I'm NMY but I've volunteered for things with the upfront understanding that I would handle every other week or once a month--like Sunday school.

Well, yes that's pretty standard for some churches in Sunday School and those types of activities, but I've never seen it in sports. You're either the coach, or you're not. How do you know what we should be doing in practice if you're only there at half of them? Especially at this age, when the kids are just learning the terminology, it's good to know that they've never discussed "dribbling" or don't know what "corner kick" means. The other parents have stepped in when he's there and said, "we haven't done that yet" or "how about we try this? It's the way they did it last week."

Originally Posted by Jenne

It may be that the 2 coaches worked out with the organization what they would each do. It may be that the organization doesn't care how they work things out. What is the organization's coaching and volunteering policy?

I don't know what the official policy is, which is why I'm considering bringing it up. I don't think they know there's a split. The brother doesn't even have our contact information to let us know anything pertinent. Only the "official" coach has that info, and he obviously doesn't always use it.

Originally Posted by Jenne

It sounds like maybe this guy just rubs you the wrong way, that's okay. Don't be on his team again. Are you glossing over the rough handling and taking your feelings about that out on these other issues because they seem more legitimate? (Just a guess...)

He totally rubs me the wrong way when it comes to the kids. He and DH have talked a few times, and he's a nice enough guy. He smacked his son at the first practice, and I almost went through the roof then. I thought DS was going to cry. He grabs the kids and shoves them around a good bit to get them in position, and he has made a couple of them cry from doing that. (Keep in mind that these are small children - mostly 4YOs).

Originally Posted by Jenne

As for saying anything, I guess I'm at a loss for what would be worthy of mentioning (aside from the rough handling). Has there been any altercations between he and his ex? If so, I'd probably mention that as it is unsafe but you didn't mention that in our OP so I'm assuming there hasn't been. So then you'd be reporting what? A lady stands outside the fence and watches her son play soccer? I guess I'm just not sure what you have to complain about.

No, I don't care what the mom does. I only wonder if it's worth mentioning (maybe just asking, not "complaining") how they handle it when coaches can't fully commit to the role. I'm not sure if they know and whether they care or not.

Originally Posted by Jenne

Great the your dp is going to coach! That's awesome! I think that is the best way to handle your dissatisfaction with the situation.

Yeah, I know, but we really don't want to be the parents who teach/coach/lead everything our children do. We think it's important for us sometimes to get to just go and enjoy what the kids are doing and for the kids to participate in activities other adults are leading. Still DH played soccer and was a ref for years. It's still a new sport in our current location, and few of the coaches seem to know all of the rules. So, I think that plus this situation has convinced DH that he should coach.

[Crunchie]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

He totally rubs me the wrong way when it comes to the kids. He and DH have talked a few times, and he's a nice enough guy. He smacked his son at the first practice, and I almost went through the roof then. I thought DS was going to cry. He grabs the kids and shoves them around a good bit to get them in position, and he has made a couple of them cry from doing that. (Keep in mind that these are small children - mostly 4YOs).

That alone would be plenty of reason for me to 1) request to not be on his team again, and 2) complain. It's legitimate. A gentle hand on a shoulder or taking a hand to move a child into the correct position, fine. Grabbing and shoving, to the point of making kids cry? Not acceptable, IMHO. I would request a different team next season and I would be honest why if asked.

[LauraN]

Yeah--our soccer coach is always there. Once in a while he has a business meeting, and in that case his wife (who is also a coach with the same organization but coaches at a different time) takes over. But the official coach always contacts us with information about team goings-on.

I wouldn't say anything about the wife or why he's only there half the time. But I'd definitely say something about the fact that he's only there half the time, doesn't keep in regular contact with parents, has forgotten to let parents know when there's no practice, and that he's rough with the kids. Those are enough reasons, IMO, for the Y to consider not having him back or at least talking to him about his behavior. And I'd definitely ask for a different coach next time.

[MariesMama]

I'm confused. You say the coach doesn't come if it's not his weekend? Does his son play every weekend regardless of whose parenting time it is?

[zinemama]

If I have this right: the program is run under the auspices of the Y. The program director (or her staff) is responsible for recruiting and doing background checks on the volunteer coaches, matching them up with teams and - presumably - communicating their responsiblities as coaches.

Your coach is not fulfilling his responsibilities. He isn't there half the time. This is because of personal issues with his wife which really aren't quite so personal if a) other parents on the team are fully aware of them and b) it's affecting his doing the job he signed up to do. Plus, he's grabbing and shoving 4yos to the point that they cry. Four year olds! Personal issues aside, he's not the right guy for the job.

If I were that program director you bet your buttons I'd want to know about this. I'd want my soccer program to have a good reputation in town for fun times and dedicated coaches. Not for coaches so mean they make the kids cry - when they even bother to show up.

Definitely complain. Do it in person and let her know that a formal letter will be arriving on her desk.

[lindberg99]

My son did a soccer clinic for 4 and 5 yo (it just meets 4 times) and I remember several kids crying or not playing at some point during the hous, including mine. And this guy was great with the kids! So I think some crying from 4 yo is pretty typical, at least in my viewpoint. But if you feel the coach is definitely causing it, then I think I'd say something.

About the coaching every other weekend thing. Maybe he and his brother checked with the Y about alternating weekends and were told it was fine.

My kids have been in rec soccer and Little League for a few years. And we never get the game schedule until the last minute. DS's first LL game was Saturday but I didn't know if it would be Fri or Sat until like Weds. This wasn't from the coach not handing it out, it was from the coach not receiving the information. Same thing for soccer. We got the game schedule the Weds before the first game.

As far as delays and cancellations, the soccer league has a general number you call. I wouldn't expect the coach to call. Of course, games are rarely cancelled. If it's not thundering and lightning, they play.

So I'm thinking there are reasons for some of the things you've noticed. But of course, I've never met this guy or seen what really goes on. If you feel like you should complain, you should.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

My Y has always really wanted feedback from parents for all of the various things we've done with them (and we've done preschool soccer, years of gymnastics, Adventure Guides, dance class, swimming lessons...) Because the Y puts so much emphasis on their 4 character traits, I always make a point of providing feedback whenever I see someone representing the Y who does not exhibit these characteristics.

From what you say, I would definitely comment. I would actually do it in writing to the athletics director, rather than as an offhand comment at another event. Mostly because I always feel like talking about one event while at another distracts from the event at hand. I would mention the rough handling, the not knowing names, the lack of notice/organization, and the impression that this was not an official co-coaching relationship. I'm wondering if the unofficial coach who was there unsupervised by the official coach had the appropriate background checks performed? That, and the roughness, would be my two primary concerns.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by MariesMama

I'm confused. You say the coach doesn't come if it's not his weekend? Does his son play every weekend regardless of whose parenting time it is?

Yes, whichever parent has the son brings him to the matches.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

So I think some crying from 4 yo is pretty typical, at least in my viewpoint.

Oh, I definitely think some is just the age and learning to be in a structured setting. A couple of times, though, definitely have been b/c of the coach's rough handling.

Originally Posted by lindberg99

As far as delays and cancellations, the soccer league has a general number you call. I wouldn't expect the coach to call. Of course, games are rarely cancelled. If it's not thundering and lightning, they play.

Our Y prefers that the coaches call. The day we called to see if they were cancelled, the guy told DH that on the phone. They don't want hundreds of parents calling to see if games are cancelled, so the onus is on him in this situation to make the call.

[VisionaryMom]

Just an update -

Last weekend, our coach decided to elope, and he and his new wife were on their honeymoon. Oh, the snarky comments from the ex-wife yesterday...

We had a make-up match yesterday. Most parents weren't called. One mom showed up thinking it was a practice, so her daughter was upset because she didn't have a uniform. The mom told me that she's planning to speak to the sports director to let her know. This mom has an older child who's involved, and she said she's pretty sure the director would want to know and that his behavior/communication is not typical of their experience with Y sports here. (FWIW, both DH and I have been in scores of activities, and this is really atypical compared to our experiences as well. It's not like we're coming from this without any history of what to expect from a coach.)

So, I'm going to send the sports director an email as well just to reiterate. We're definitely requesting that we not be on his team again, which the other mom said they're doing too. Again, though, I'm pretty sure DH will coach in the fall, so DS would be on our team regardless.

[Jenne]

It sounds like you have a good plan. I would especially mention the rough treatment. That is really disturbing!

Jenne

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Jenne

It sounds like you have a good plan. I would especially mention the rough treatment. That is really disturbing!

Jenne

Yeah, that's my biggest concern, too. I know rough treatment will happen in sports, but I don't think it's necessary at this age.