difficulty dealing with crying/clinging new stage

[firstatfourty]

I love my baby girl very much, and am usign attachment parenting principles. But she has become extremely clingyand crys when I am not right next to her at all times. I know this is part of her age(9 mos old). I have been told I am spoiling her, and been given all kinds of advice that has made me feel like a complete failure as a mom because I can't bring myself to do what some practitioners have advised me such as let her cry, don't feed on demand, make her sleep in a crib, etc. etc... I was told most recently that she will become an out of control 2 year old. Now I really question myself. She had long bouts of colicky crying until about 5 months old that really wore me out. I ebf, and we bf throughout the night so I am also exhause\ted but lately I feel so depressed and like a failure as a mom and find i cringe and feel desperate every time she cries. Can someone help me with non medication advice?

[emmalala]

It sounds like you are doing wonderfully. Yes there are baby-stages which can be frustrating for you! But it does not mean you are doing anything wrong.

I would not give up on your parenting plans just because someone says she will be out of control at 2. That is just silly, there is no way to know that ahead of time. IMO anyone below a year should have their needs met.

I can't remember exactly what is going on at that age, but it may be frustration on her part that makes her cling to you - she may be getting ready for a milestone?

Do you have any chance to give your baby to someone else for just an hour or so during the day, so you can have a break? Or is there anything at all that she finds so fascinating that you can leave her for just a few minutes? If you can possibly get the chance to be away from her, take it because it will refresh you a lot. Alternatively, are you able to get outside and walk with her - the fresh air and change of surroundings can help you both a lot.

Please remember that if you are nursing at night, your sleep is broken and your perspective on life is bound to be a little less balanced than if you were completely rested. Also remember that "this too shall pass" and that you are doing the right thing by acknowledging the difficulties so you can work on them.

Good luck!!

[Jish]

Trust me, no amount of medication will get you out of this developmental phase any sooner.

But seriously, My first child was extremely high needs until about six months, then for the next six he toned it down and was just very high needs. Then for the next 6 or 9 he was simply high needs. He sounds so much like your dd. The only thing that was different for me is that he didn't like co-sleeping, prefering to sleep "lone ranger" style, as Dr. Sears calls it. He would go down at about 8:00 and would often sleep until 8:00am. I was thankful to be fully rested because I don't know what shape I would have been in if I had been sleep deprived also.

I was told that I was spoiling him and that I should do all the things that you have been told. I was also told that he would be out of control by age two and I would be sorry. Nothing could be farther from the truth. He went through the very clingy phase at around 9 -- 15 months. He was on the late side for most of his milestones and didn't start crawling until about 9 1/2 months. It then became worse because he would notice if I wasn't right there and would cry and come searching for me. It was awful and exhausting. He started walking at about 13 1/2 months and once he got the hang of it, he was a bit happier. He could follow me around which he seemed to like. I was still his favorite person with his dad coming in second.

This drove my mother crazy. Keep in mind that they lived about an hour and a half from us but only came to visit every 6 weeks or so. To him they were strangers, but she didn't seem to understand that and thought that he would come running to her in glee as soon as he saw her. She blamed my extended breastfeeding and said that he was way to dependent on me and that I was the only one who could comfort him (meaning that she couldn't). But when you think about it, doesn't it make sense that he would want his dad or I when hurt or upset. I typically don't search out a stranger when I'm sad and want to talk or just have a hug to make me feel better. She also expressed her concern about how we disciplined. She was upset because the day before when we were in an empty restaurant and he screeched we didn't spank him.: I think mostly it came down to the fact that I was 28 when I had him and didn't need her advice on every child rearing issue and was doing things differently. She took that as I thought she had done things wrong.

A couple years and a new baby later my mother admitted to me that she admired how my dh and I were raising our children and how wonderful my first child was (he was around 2 1/2 or 3). She was amazed by his thoughtfulness and sensitivity. I kept my mouth shut and simply said "thanks." Perhaps she didn't remember all the months she spent warning me about how I was screwing him up and what a terrible toddler he would become.

I know I'm rambling, but I just want you to know that you definitely aren't alone. Everyone has advice, but they don't have to live in your house with your baby. Your parenting definitely isn't going to turn your child into a toddler monster, likely it will be the opposite. It helps to have thick skin or selective hearing, but if all else fails you can fall back on the standard "our pediatrician says" -- and then fill in the blank with whatever you want. Hearing that you are following a peds advice seems to satisfy people.

Finally, make sure that you take care of yourself. I didn't do a very good job of that. Have your dh watch the baby while you get out for an hour if you need to. Even if she cries the entire time in your dh's arms it's okay. She is with someone she loves and who loves her. She'll be fine. You can't be a good mom if you ignore your needs. Taking care of yourself benefits your entire family. You will be happier, thus, so will your dd and dh.