How to deal with an over bearing and judgemental mother

[Mygirlsrock]

It's been a really long time since I posted anything. So hello again. I also apologize if this ends up being kind of long.

I have a bit of a problem with my mother, actually I would have thought that by now I would have figured out a solution to this problem but NOPE.

I'm an only child, an almost forty year old only child. My mother really isn't the kind of parent that put parenting, or family first. The closest she comes is the over protective way she brought me up, there were no opinions to be had by me, and no voice to be heard. It was a one rule, one opinion household, not a very happy one at that. She's also very driven by work, in fact when in hospital with serious complications with my first pregnancy she told me she couldn't visit because she had to work and didn't see why she should make the effort....until I was on life support. She laughed at my desire to breastfeed, and to practice attached parent. Her biggest kick was that I wanted to be a SAHM.

Eventually I did get to be a SAHM, but only because I had a severely premature baby. There have been issues with her and my oldest dd mostly with school and ADHD (med free, with a lot of hard work). Something my mother doesn't acknowledge. So I guess my status as SAHM is her biggest disappointment, she likes to make passive aggressive comments or blame all of my kids developmental problems on my presence at home "your not doing those girls any favors by staying home you know" is what I hear a lot.

So my situation here is this, I have had a lot of big personal issues within myself and my marriage that have affected my self esteem tremendously, and not in a good way. So essentially I'm feeling a little beaten down. I have improved somewhat as has my marital situation but these repetitive insults are really getting to me. I have a lot of negative self talk that I'm trying to over come. I have tried to talk to her rationally and I must admit irrationally too.. about these things but in the end her refusal to listen or take me seriously makes me resent her and the fact that I felt the need to defend my life.

I was wondering if anyone can give me some input on what I should do, or how I can handle this so I don't have to take this all so seriously. I know I can't change her, I just want to get control of my reaction to her.

[savannah smiles]

Sorry your have such an unhappy relationship with your mom. She sounds similar to my mom in many ways. My mom isn't overprotective (quite the opposite, really) but she is very judgemental. Once I had dd1, 7 years ago, I started to put boundries in place. I really had to protect myself because I had severe PPD and I couldn't have anything upsetting more than I already was; it's the only good thing that came out of having PPD for me, lol!
In my case, we also kept moving for my dh's job and each time we moved we were further away from her which helped limit the amount of time we were together. I learned to share very little with her over the phone outside of the facts. Anytime I reveal anything remotely personal, she's sure to make a negative comment. If phone calls do go south, I politely end them. If I'm with her in real life and she becomes negative, I try to change the subject and if that doesn't work, I find a reason to wander somewhere that she isn't.

Ideally, I wanted to see that she couldn't yank my chains anymore and, from there, decide to act better and be kinder when she was with me. The reality is that once she realized I wasn't responding the way she wanted, she just scaled back her involvement even more. Guess I'm not as fun for her to be around anymore. Less is better, sadly.

My advice to you would be to try and detach from her emotionally as much as you can. I just assume my mom is going to be wretched when we're together which leads to me not feeling upset or disappointed when she is and pleasantly suprised when she isn't. It can also be helpful to accept that her opinions on you and your life are just that - her opinions. Yes, it would be great if she were more supportive but the fact that she's not says much more about her than it does about you. I think that every time my mom makes a snide remark - it really only means that she's unhappy or feeling powerless and has little to do with me at all.

Good luck!

[dianakaye]

Although it can feel very isolating to have a mother that is not supportive and "mothering", you are sadly not alone. I hope that makes you feel better. Not in the "well, at least there are others in the same boat as me" way but in the "it's not something wrong with ME" way.

Like the other poster said, it comes down to boundaries and exits. Don't call her, answer her calls, or visit with her when you can't handle it. If you do call her/answer her calls/visit make sure you have an exit or excuse to get off the phone/leave at a moments notice. Aren't kids great for that?

It also helps to find other people that can be "mothering" and gentle with you. Especially if you have a hard time being gentle with yourself.

One thing that helps (a little) with my mom, is to realize that most of her negative comments to me are rooted in issues that SHE has, not me. For example, if she asks me to help her with something instead of just sitting there and being lazy, I realize that SHE is the one with the issue of needing to stay busy 24/7 to feel good about herself. It's ok if I'm not constantly busy.

I find that it's people who are the most emotionally screwed up that are judgmental of others. If they were completely zen with themselves, they wouldn't have to lash out at others. I know it's hard, but when you can, try to find compassion and pity for her, while at the same time not justifying what she's doing to you.

I have lots of issues with my mom too. I've just decided that I can be around her when I have enough energy and time to focus all of my patience on her. When I can't muster that patience, I know we'll have a disagreement, so I don't call/go over/answer calls. It's so hard not to have a warm, affectionate relationship with the person that is supposed to be your "mommy". I wish I had an easy answer, but the mom/daughter dynamic is sooo complicated.

[PlayaMama]

Originally Posted by Mygirlsrock

. She's also very driven by work,


So I guess my status as SAHM is her biggest disappointment, she likes to make passive aggressive comments or blame all of my kids developmental problems on my presence at home "your not doing those girls any favors by staying home you know" is what I hear a lot.

honestly, my MIL is like this. i honestly think it's some sort of generational thing... where women had to fight for the right to succeed and work outside the home it's become of such value to them that they dismiss the possibility of staying home with the kids can be fulfilling.

she had a huge argument with my SIL and they didn't talk for two years becasue my SIL decided to keep her baby when she got pregnant at 38. her mom wanted her to go to school

you've honestly got to realize that all her comments are how she feels about herself. she feels that she wouldn't have done _you_ any good by staying home with you. she feels that being a good mother is not worth much (obviously ).

they are not you and they are not your judgments on yourself.

i'd honestly limit your time with her for awhile and see how you feel. if it's worlds better then i'd recommend you make it a habit.

[sisteeesmama]

I just wante to offer hugs and sympathy and say that I relate on every level, I feel like we went throuhg the same experiences with the same mom, lol!

It does suck and it is really hard not to have that nuturing understanding mom who is just there for you and loves and supports you, I do know how bad that feels

I can't offer much advice because I am still trying to figure out what role she should be playing in my life. We live close to her for now and my dd loves her so much, it's almost like their relationship is a re-do for my mom or something.


Anyway,you are not alone!

[Think of Winter]

I loved DianaKaye's reply. As far as additional strategies for coping, check out the book Toxic Parents. I got it from my library (and even felt guilty for having it in my possession.) There's a small section that I particularly loved about using non-defensive replies to the constant criticism. She strongly recommends confronting the parents. I'm still a long way from being ready for that.

[Ann-Marita]

I second Toxic Parents. Excellent book.

[attitude]

All these posts are so helpful...and the attitude of kindness, even toward the abuser -- while not tolerating the abuse -- is so welcome!  I'm the only child of an elderly mom who fits the overbearing/judgmental description...  It's taken lots of time away to develop self confidence, and I'm still shaky, but I am far stronger now and want to help mom deal with diminishing capabilities of age (lots of fear as a controlling person loses control...)     LInes from you all that I've taken to heart are -- avoid times that I'm not willing to commit all my patience to mom, bear in mind that the judgement that is certain to arrive has nothing to do with me, and folks out there understand and are sending virtual hugs!  Wishing you all the best!

[Adaline'sMama]

Ill have to agree with the PP's here. Toxic Parents really helped me out (Im currently on month number 7 of not speaking to my extremely critical, judgemental, verbally abusive mother) when I was really struggling with my sense of self worth after I had DD. You are not alone. There are lots of moms who deal with mothers who werent the greatest mothers to us.

It sounds like maybe your mother is jealous. You have more than one child, you are staying at home, you are really going (in her mind) "all the way" to being a great mother. Is it possible that maybe she is sorry for not having more children, putting you first, and spending more time with you when you were pg? She may be saying all these things to you as a defense because she isnt as proud of what kind of mother she was as she wants to be. My MIL told me all about how perfect her kids heads looked because she had 2 sections. I thought she was being really obnoxious and non-supportiave, but then I spoke with her sister about it and apparently MIL had really, really wanted to have a natural childbirth and was crushed when she had to have a section. Back then, there wasnt really a lot of info about VBACs so, she didnt know it was even possible. She was reacting to me wanting to have a natural birth by being mean and overbearing, but actually, she had wanted one too. Just a thought :)

Also, is it possible that you mother has NPD? This is something that I recently learned about that I think my mother has. http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissism-traits.html 

I know this website is trying to sell you their products (I dont work for them or really know much about them at all), but the informaiton is pretty good.

[enjoythesilence]

I have not read the other replies, but something I have found success with in dealing with family members who are judgemental and overbearing is to not ask them for any advice-on anything. And when given unsolicited advice, I have a one-size-fits-most reply:'Thanks for your concern, but this is what works for our family.' Or 'That is how I/we are doing things, and it is not up for discussion.'