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Feel Like a Horrible Mother...

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
I wrote about this once before, and I have been trying to work through it but I am having such a hard time with it.

I don't want to breast feed this baby. I had an awful time of it with Trevor despite seeing an awesome LC and having tons of support. This time we are in middle of nowhere Louisiana with no good LCs nearby and no family. I hated breast feeding my son, I did it till being pregnant killed my milk supply (he was 8ish months) but I hated every second and resented him a lot of the time for needing it. He was a snacker and nursed a lot and just... I hated it. I know I have to breast feed this baby, and this one could be a dream to nurse but just the thought of doing it again makes me queasy. What the hell am I supposed to do??
post #2 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by chely7425 View Post
I wrote about this once before, and I have been trying to work through it but I am having such a hard time with it.

I don't want to breast feed this baby. I had an awful time of it with Trevor despite seeing an awesome LC and having tons of support. This time we are in middle of nowhere Louisiana with no good LCs nearby and no family. I hated breast feeding my son, I did it till being pregnant killed my milk supply (he was 8ish months) but I hated every second and resented him a lot of the time for needing it. He was a snacker and nursed a lot and just... I hated it. I know I have to breast feed this baby, and this one could be a dream to nurse but just the thought of doing it again makes me queasy. What the hell am I supposed to do??

maybe this baby will be a dream. try it and see.

other option:
pump and bottle feed?
formula

jjust do what you can do and don't feel bad about it.
post #3 of 30
Thread Starter 
I have a really good pump but didn't have a ton of luck with it last time... I know the most important thing is that the baby is fed and happy and taken care of, but I feel like I will be looked down upon or looked down upon for NOT BFing...
post #4 of 30
I think the key would be give yourself a time limit to reevaluate things.

Give yourself 2 weeks with nursing, see how it goes, if this baby is a pro, it might make all your fears just slip away, if not, and you are having a difficult time again, try pumping and the bottle for 3 to 4 weeks after that, while still trying to nurse at times. See what happens.

If after the 6 weeks, it is just too much with two babies, a family to take care of a difficulty with nursing, you can consider your other options, like pumping 3 times a day and supplementing or just stopping, but either way, give yourself some time, but maybe a concrete time limit to evaluate things will help you not stress. Knowing there is a time line to see how perfect this nursing experience can be, or to reevaluate if things aren't easier this time.

Those dont' have to be the set time limits, but really think about how long you know you can push it before you have to think things through again.
post #5 of 30
Thread Starter 
The time line thing is a good idea... with DS I said I was GOING to do it for at least 6 months, then I could stop. But with him I was living at home with my mom while DH finished basic and AIT and she BF all of us (me till 2.5 and my twin bro and sis till they were 4.5) so she was an awesome support. This time it is just me and DS1 and DH and he works a ton of hours and I just don't know...

Hopefully like you said this baby is a dream to nurse and it won't be a problem, I think giving it 2 weeks is a good idea though, I should have DH home for about that long after the birth so he would be able to take care of DS.
post #6 of 30
I couldn't pump last time either. Maybe it will be different this time. Just try and see how it goes. So many people have vastly different nursing experiences with different babies. Maybe it will be easier. Maybe you will even enjoy it. But if not, don't beat yourself up about it. I remember crying to my DH in those early days that I wish I was formula feeding and had had a c-section. I was soooo miserable. It's really, really difficult if you don't have a good support group. I was fortunate to find a great group of people when my son was about 4 months old and it made ALL the difference.

I hope it works out for you this time, but if not, there are worse things than formula, and that includes resenting your child. Do what you need to do, mama.
post #7 of 30
I'm all in favor of breastfeeding, but in your shoes? I say, forgive yourself now.

There is more to parenting than infant nutrition. There is even more to infant care than infant nutrition. Happy mamas are more likely to have happy babies, so do what you need to do. If that means stock up on formula now, do it. If that means try to breastfeed, but give yourself permission to switch to formula, do that.

IMO, it's more important not to burden your relationship with your new baby with dread and guilt than it is to do everything the One Right Way.
post #8 of 30
def tell yourself you will try for a set perios of time and reevaluate. my ds1 was hard to nurse, but my ds2 was so easy. you may just have a totally different experience the second go around, and if you dont, you can relieve any neg feelings by knowing at least your db got colosturm
post #9 of 30
I'm setting myself up to be flamed here, but I don't plan to BF this baby. I WILL do colostrum but that's probably all. I had a HORRIBLE time BFing DD. My milk never fully came in (and I am allergic to fenugreek and blessed thistle) and I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency and hormonal imbalances. I tried and was super upset about it but in the end gave up and switched to formula after about two weeks. Today DD is almost 4, super smart and strong and actually only ever had one minor ear infection her whole life.

I still have the same medical issues plus we are in the middle of a very stressful move and sale of our house and I have some family health issues going on right now too. I was considering trying to BF for at least 4-6 weeks but found myself very stressed and depressed over that and was worried it would make me sad and/or resent this little one.

I plan to give this baby organic formula (we've done a lot of research and chosen Baby's Only) and will practice feeding on demand still, and bottle feed with love (just as I did with DD). Just what is best for me and my family and this time I'm not letting myself feel bad about it!

Hugs to you whatever you decide.
post #10 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kamane18 View Post
I'm setting myself up to be flamed here, but I don't plan to BF this baby. I WILL do colostrum but that's probably all. I had a HORRIBLE time BFing DD. My milk never fully came in (and I am allergic to fenugreek and blessed thistle) and I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency and hormonal imbalances. I tried and was super upset about it but in the end gave up and switched to formula after about two weeks. Today DD is almost 4, super smart and strong and actually only ever had one minor ear infection her whole life.

I still have the same medical issues plus we are in the middle of a very stressful move and sale of our house and I have some family health issues going on right now too. I was considering trying to BF for at least 4-6 weeks but found myself very stressed and depressed over that and was worried it would make me sad and/or resent this little one.

I plan to give this baby organic formula (we've done a lot of research and chosen Baby's Only) and will practice feeding on demand still, and bottle feed with love (just as I did with DD). Just what is best for me and my family and this time I'm not letting myself feel bad about it!

Hugs to you whatever you decide.
Thank you so much for this!! When we had to switch DS to formula at 8 months we always held him and cuddled him while he had his bottle and we still fed on demand... I almost feel like me and him had a much better relationship after we switched. I think I will give myself 2 weeks and see how that goes. Sadly we can't do organic formula, we have to do something WIC will give us if we end up not BFing because we can't afford to buy an organic formula.
post #11 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by chely7425 View Post
Thank you so much for this!! When we had to switch DS to formula at 8 months we always held him and cuddled him while he had his bottle and we still fed on demand... I almost feel like me and him had a much better relationship after we switched. I think I will give myself 2 weeks and see how that goes. Sadly we can't do organic formula, we have to do something WIC will give us if we end up not BFing because we can't afford to buy an organic formula.
I know, it's going to be a major strain on us to afford the organic formula but assuming this baby doesn't have dairy allergies (DD was milk intolerant until about 9 months) we are cutting the budget in other ways to somehow pay for it. Will WIC do Similac organic even? That way no growth hormones in the formula at least. Some great recipes for homemade formulas too on the Weston Price website too - I know some people that swear by them.

Or some people go the donated breastmilk route too.

Whatever you do, don't a bad mommy - quite the opposite! You obviously care so much about your DS and this new one too to care/stress about it so much.
post #12 of 30
Thread Starter 
WIC would only do similac organix IF a dr wrote a script for it and then only if I could actually find it around here... I should look into homemade too. Sucks being on such a tight budget, we really have nowhere to cut anything...

Quote:
Originally Posted by kamane18 View Post
I know, it's going to be a major strain on us to afford the organic formula but assuming this baby doesn't have dairy allergies (DD was milk intolerant until about 9 months) we are cutting the budget in other ways to somehow pay for it. Will WIC do Similac organic even? That way no growth hormones in the formula at least. Some great recipes for homemade formulas too on the Weston Price website too - I know some people that swear by them.

Or some people go the donated breastmilk route too.

Whatever you do, don't a bad mommy - quite the opposite! You obviously care so much about your DS and this new one too to care/stress about it so much.
post #13 of 30
I breastfed both of my older ones and it worked for me. Honestly, I just don't give a rat's butt if other people breast or formula feed. Be happy and love your babies
post #14 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by chely7425 View Post
I have a really good pump but didn't have a ton of luck with it last time... I know the most important thing is that the baby is fed and happy and taken care of, but I feel like I will be looked down upon or looked down upon for NOT BFing...
There are lots of moms out there who don't or can't breastfeed. For lots of reasons. Poor supply, having to return to work, whatever. I've got a friend who lives in Louisiana (fairly rural) and she tells me that breastfeeding there is uncommon. So you may not be as out of league with your neighbors as you think if you don't breastfeed.

The bottom line is that you have to do what's right for you as well as for your baby. If you and your husband/partner can afford formula then, by all means, use it. Formula will take care of your baby's needs - perhaps not as optimally as breast milk but it will do the job.

If your mental health and sanity requires that you formula feed, then do it. You need to be able to be a good mom to both your baby and your son. Being edgy, stressed out, tense or depressed over breastfeeding and the internal guilt over hating it isn't going to help you be there for your kids at all hours of the day and night. Do what you have to do to best support the needs of your family and yourself.

Don't waste any energy or time over guilt. It's a totally useless emotion and does you no good at all. Also, it doesn't matter at all what other people think of you. They have no knowledge of your situation. They can have as many opinions as they want. None of them matter. If there are people around you being judgmental about it, cut them out of your circle of support. You don't need that.

Hugs to you, Chely.
post #15 of 30
Quote:
WIC would only do similac organix IF a dr wrote a script for it and then only if I could actually find it around here...
Look into ordering it from online pharmacies. Seriously. You can get just about anything online nowadays. Even groceries.
post #16 of 30
Do you know what specifically you did not like about it? What did you hate?

Maybe not the most popular view but I'm not a fan of LCs in general. IMO they usually do more harm than good. I'd say it is probably good that you don't have access to one this time around and I bet things are way easier for you without one. Have lots of skin to skin contact with your baby. No shirt on you, no shirt on baby...constantly. For days, weeks if needed. The touch of your skin and baby's skin is how you learn. Check out Ashley Montagu's work and writings on breastfeeding.
post #17 of 30
what about donor milk?

I would atleast try - because you're right it could totally be different this time. I dont know if its the same, but at the end of our nursing relationship when DD was around 2 1/2 and very clingy i was starting to resent nursing her. I didnt want to wean her suddenly during this time and i knew i needed to stick it out for a few more months - so i really tried to love on her while she nursed. Instead of thinking about her nursing i would look in her eyes and kiss her face and think about how much i loved her and how special she was to me.
post #18 of 30
Thread Starter 
Ordering formula online isn't really an option because we can't afford it, we have to use WIC. DH doesn't make a ton of money and I don't work and even if I DID work, paying for 2 babies in daycare would take up everything I made.

I didn't like ANYTHING about breast feeding. The first couple weeks were painful while we figured out the latch thing, then once we figured that out I just hated being CLUNG to all the time. I hated having a baby stuck to my boob 24/7 and just... I don't even know. It isn't even an issue with breast feeding, I don't care if someone else has both boobs hanging out just for me I hate it. That may not make much sense... I would just be so happy when he was done nursing then cringe when he wanted it again.

I would love to be able to just sit around with this baby and bond and try and nurse but with DH being in the Army and all that that entails along with a 13 month old running around like a crazy person I don't know how realistic that is.
post #19 of 30
I just wanted to encourage you and tell you that with my first child we had HUGE problems that ended in me switching to formula at 3 weeks. My last two I have breastfed successfully. If you want to breastfeed, try it, but if you decided you don't even want to try, please don't feel like a bad mom. You just need to do what is best for the baby AND you (sometimes people forget that the mom has needs, too!).
post #20 of 30
i couldn't agree with you guys more- some people legitimately can't BF and some people choose not to. it doesn't mean that you aren't providing for your children if you choose to go the formula route.

i would second the colostrum route. most hospitals will provide you with a pump while you are a patient in hospital. go for it. the colostrum goes a long way to provide necessary nutrition for babies and also helps babies avoid serious problems like NEK.

I'm sure everyone already knows that....
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