Running Off & GD- sorry long

[mommabear207]

nak

lately my 2 yr old has taken to running off on me. i think what is making this harder is that i have a 3 month old. ds2 is a frequent bf and loves being held which makes running after ds1 a lot harder. heres on example:
grocery store- i usually wear a wrap but dd2 was sleeping so i just brought in the detachable bucket carseat of course after 5min in the store he wanted out so i carried him with one arm, on my shoulder. dd1 was walking with me helping at first. then he started wonder just a little ahead of me but basically a fine distance. all was well till it was time to check out. suddenly he's running off to check out cards, glass etc. i bring him back he takes off again.and again soon he's running up the closed cashier lanes and if i approach he runs down another, then he tries leaving though the automatic doors.i bring him back again telling him i need him to stay with me. after 30 seconds he's off again it took like 15 min to pay, ds2 was tringto sleep and was very upset from all the commotion. dd1 thought it was funny. i didn't have the seat available for ds1 and i couldn't put ds2 down either. it was so frustrating and i felt like the few people there were all going "omg that kid is out of control". i just didn't have a way to stop him and i couldn't let him wonder cause then i have no idea where he is and he will leave through the automatic doors. in the future i'll be sure to have my wrap and express that he has to stay with me, enlist his help or stay in the cart but i'm at a loss for a gd response to that situation above. what should i have done? also i couldn't just leave cause this was my only chance to get food and dh had the car.
the other example i would love tips for is that dd1 loves to go outside. great! except i can't stay outside all day and we're 30ft from the road on one side and have thick woods on the other so once again he can't be out there with out me. the problem is he has figure out how to open the door. how can i keep him inside? like 10 times a day he tries to go out half the time completely naked anther quarter of the time just boots and a hat- cute but he takes right off. bringing him in is a huge fit. we do go out for several hours each day-not all at once tho.
i don't hit or yell but it gets very frustrating and he doesn't give up but putting a gate up and letting scream and try to get by it for a half hour doesn't seem very gd.
ideas? thanks.

[ambivamom]

It seems like all my boys did this at age 2, and I have been pregnant with another one at the time these last two. It is driving me nuts. I have stopped wanting to even take them out. Anywhere. Even the back yard

Editing to add:
We have bolts across the very top of our doors now. It is the way we solved the "baby knows how to open the handle lock Baby loves to go outside!" problem.

[EdnaMarie]

That is my daughter. Seriously.

I did a thread recently, and to sum up the advice that worked:

-Find a babysitter for shopping, even if it's hard (we have a supermarket with a supervised playland, so it wasn't hard).
-Ask her to hold my hand because I'M scared ("Help me, I'm scared, I need you to stay with me so I don't get lonely.")
-Play mama duck / baby duck where the baby duck has to follow the mama duck.

Between those three tactics, and of course begging and bribery (she gets a toy or a healthy snack that she likes, such as nuts or berries, at the end of the trip), we have her with me or supervised (and not screaming) about 90% of the time. The other 5% she is screaming and I am holding her hand by force (generally this is when we have to leave due to a time limit not imposed by me, e.g. at swimming class, or near the street), and 5% of the time she's not with me, but running off.

What did not work:

-The leash / harness (she hates it).
-Keeping her in a stroller (she hates it).
-Keeping her in a carrier (she hates it and babywearing two kids while comparing prices is my idea of hell).
-Training (she just thinks it's a game).
-Holding on to the shopping cart instead of my hand. Same problem as always. She just... won't... stay!

You are so not alone... it's so worrying and frustrating to have this safety issue and to feel like you are at your worst parenting when out and about! I feel like people are always seeing me screaming and begging when really, when we are at home that is not our life! Ack! And yes, we have had our fair share of dragging her out of someplace literally kicking and screaming, with one arm, the alternative being: stay there all day, or at least seven p.m. when she drops off from exhaustion. She is a social child and hates staying at home and/or going home. It sucks. I so know how you feel!

(As for the house, can your child unlock the doors? Ours are locked!)

[peaceful_mama]

When DS1 was 2, I also had a new baby. I *WISH* I had nipped this running away/doing whatever he wants thing in the bud THEN. (back then it was stuff like I'd suggest we get ready to go to the park and he'd run get in the van while I was picking up our junk, strapping DD in the bucket, you get the idea.
I never really said/did anything as he just went to the car. Occasionally he got to the bathroom alone.

It is harder to 'start' 'consequences' when it is a much-faster 4 year old, there is now a 2 year old and another baby. I feel like maybe if I had somewhere before, I would not now have a child who runs away when I don't do what he wants. (like buy him an ICEE at Target or buy batteries we don't need when I have already paid and we are leaving....)

I say pick an appropriate consequence to the situation you are in for running away. (for example, you run away at the park, I can't find you, I find you, we leave park.) even a 2 year old should be able to understand that after a couple repetitions.

[gretelmom]

Okay, I had this problem with DS1 when DS2 was tiny. I was constantly pulling DS1 back to wherever we were under my arm with DS2 in the sling or ergo screaming. I would bring him back, talk to him, threaten/enforce time-outs, threaten to leave, whatever. If you'd seen the dramas... Heavens... And I would almost always end up crying.

Then my mom came to stay with us for 6 weeks. She told DS, "If you run off at the playground (wherever we were that he wanted to be), we will leave. If I say 'STOP' and you don't stop, we will go home"... And he ran off, she said stop, he didn't stop. She said "we are leaving." He cried and cried and she hugged him, I hugged him, we said we were sad that he was sad but that he had known what would happen. It was heartbreaking and I wouldn't have been able to do it myself. But she sort of forced me. He did it maybe 2 times more over the next year and hasn't done it since. I must add that both before and after the crime was committed she explained that we would leave if he ran off because it wasn't safe with him running away, and that we wouldn't be somewhere that isn't safe.

In the grocery, she would say "Izac, we are going to the grocery, and you're going to ride in the cart. What special snack would you like to eat in the cart?" and he would get to choose from Pirate's Booty, pretzels, crackers, etc... She would make a big deal "Izac you've been SO good in the cart, I'm going to give you these pretzels!" We'd often open one more snack if he was being good.

If he screamed because he wanted to get down, we'd just tell him "Izac rides in the cart." The end. She really taught me that it was more important for him to be safe in the cart, and also to learn to listen to mommy than to be embarrassed. I mean, yes you get a lot of stares, but if you're calm and just saying "Bobby stays in the cart while were in the grocery because that's what's safe" in a calm voice, people will think "well, good, she's doing what's safest."

And after about 2 trips of me being mellow and consistent about him being in the cart, he learned to like it. Now DS2 is big and sits in the cart and DS1 is walking along side, and he knows if he walks too far away he will have to ride in the basket. Every once in a while we have a problem, but it's rare.

I hear so many moms saying the grocery is so hard, but I think the main issue is worrying that strangers stare at you while they scream.

I think this IS GD because you explain gently why you're doing what you're doing, you stay calm, and you try to be empathetic to his needs by saying "I know you're mad that you want to get down, but the cart is the safe place for you".

If they're running away and you're constantly grabbing them, that feels more violent to me. I always felt like I was DRAGGGGGGGING DS and then he'd go limp-legged and it would look like I was pulling his arms off!! Now it's one warning, then I pick him up and we're out of there. Even if it means I'm carrying 2 kids who are screaming. But it just doesn't happen any more.

HTH

[skueppers]

Originally Posted by gretelmom

She told DS, "If you run off at the playground (wherever we were that he wanted to be), we will leave. If I say 'STOP' and you don't stop, we will go home"... And he ran off, she said stop, he didn't stop. She said "we are leaving." He cried and cried and she hugged him, I hugged him, we said we were sad that he was sad but that he had known what would happen. It was heartbreaking and I wouldn't have been able to do it myself. But she sort of forced me. He did it maybe 2 times more over the next year and hasn't done it since.

Just to add another perspective to this, I think some kids respond better to this kind of technique than others. My daughter totally did not grasp parent-imposed consequences when she was 2. Of course she did eventually stop doing the behaviors (shoving people, running away, etc.) as she got older, but I'm not convinced it had anything to do with my discipline style in these situations, which is just like what you describe here. It certainly wasn't any kind of magic bullet -- we probably went through six months of leaving playgroups every time she started shoving other kids.

[skueppers]

Originally Posted by mommabear207

putting a gate up and letting scream and try to get by it for a half hour doesn't seem very gd.

I don't really see anything non-GD about securing the environment and establishing physical boundaries. I don't hesitate to throw the deadbolt on my front door in order to make sure the kids stay inside.

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by skueppers

I don't really see anything non-GD about securing the environment and establishing physical boundaries. I don't hesitate to throw the deadbolt on my front door in order to make sure the kids stay inside.

:

I mean, is it wrong to have a fenced yard?

[JessicaS]

I agree that a deadbolt at the top of the door would be a good idea. Some kids are just escape artists and they cannot stop themselves from escaping.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I think the harness and leash are OK to use because this is a safety issue.

Something I did with my kids at the store is I told them they could pick out something they wanted as long as there were no problems. There was a price limit and I had veto power. No candy, ect. They were with me but I would be engaging by talking to them about stuff around us and they would be looking for things that looked good. Usually the things they got were things I would have gotten anyway.

[EdnaMarie]

The thing is, the child who runs will most likely not like the harness so if you are going to try it, borrow one- don't buy one like I did. What a waste of money, ack.

[Aubergine68]

Originally Posted by abimommy

I agree that a deadbolt at the top of the door would be a good idea. Some kids are just escape artists and they cannot stop themselves from escaping.

I've done this with my escape artist youngest. Also have a latch up high on the pantry door and a couple of other doors.

We had to remove screen door locks because he was locking me out when I stepped out to take the garbage to the bin outside the door, etc. And there was no key that would open the screen door latch from outside. Had to break into the house through a window once when I couldn't persuade him to open the door.


He has been able to open and close deadbolts since he was 1 -- will drag a chair over if necessary. I've also seen him with a broom handle trying to make the sliding bolt at the top of the door open up so he could get out. If you are buying a lock or latch for up high on the frame, you might want to make sure that an enterprising climber couldn't do something to get it open.

So now I wear a key to our door locks around my neck at all times.

I have a harness, which he hates. I have explained the safety issue to him -- if we are in a dangerous place (lots of cars, etc.) and he will not stay safely with me, he must wear the harness so I can keep him safe. I haven't had an episode of him running off since.

When grocery shopping, I establish the rule that he must stay in the front seat of the cart before we even get in the store. He dislikes the shopping cart seat belt as much as the harness, and will stay in the cart, given the choice of seatbelt if he tries to climb out. I will also pick out an approved package of crackers or box of dried fruit and let my kids share it while I shop (as long as it has a upc so I can still pay for it.)

Dh has different rules, will get him in and out of the cart, but I personally cannot handle that and wrangle my older children, and shop, too.

[JessicaS]

My FIL has a story about dh when he was a child.

Apparently dh had run out into the street so FIL made him cross the street correctly 50 times.


Dd wasn't a darter so I haven't had to deal with this yet but wow.

[mommabear207]

thanks for the replies. i was considering the bolting of the door & in fact dh is to be picking one up soon! it's not the bolting of the door or having a yard fenced in (which i would LOVE) that i don't think is too GD- i think those fall under prevention. It's the ignoring his screams and cries and struggles for a half hour- an hour and that for me putting up the gate in the hall so he can't get to the door also means he can't get to the kitchen or his books & toys. i think GD means working with them to come up with a solution. like as EdnaMarie said playing mommy duck etc. the trouble was the struggle took so long we might as well have gone outside in the first place and it really frustrated me with started making me angry and not wanting to work with ds1.
we have, since posting this, been working on it. part of it seems to be like peaceful mama and gretelmom said- consistently following through from the start. i have to be really on top of it but he's vastly improved already before he was out the door now i can actually say wait and he'll shut the door and wait -why because i stop what i'm doing and bring him back and shut the door. before i was basically saying well hes in the door way he's on the stairs its ok and then next thing you know is he's outside. i've also been able to place a stick in the driveway for him to stay behind so he's not too close to the road. most of the time now i just have to remind him. occasionally he still doesn't listen but then i just go and bring him back. its getting easier and i'm glad i'm doing this now before hes even faster and more capable.

[Pumpkin_Pie]

I am so glad I found this thread. My 2 year old is a HUGE fan of bolting. I do think he would get it if I told him that we would have to leave the park if he ran away. I think it would absolutely break his heart, but I think it would be safer. I also think I am going to bet a harness for him and if we are out and about, it will just be a part of his wardrobe. I wouldn't keep the leash on him at all times, but if we needed to go near a parking lot or roads, I could snap it on.

I am so glad I am not the only mama dealing with this. I have posted on another thread and I started a thread of my own with no responses so far and have searched MDC for hours this morning trying to find help. It is so frightening to have a child that bolts.

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by skueppers

I don't really see anything non-GD about securing the environment and establishing physical boundaries. I don't hesitate to throw the deadbolt on my front door in order to make sure the kids stay inside.

totally agree. Also practicing gd doesn't mean that a child is never going to cry, scream, or tantrum. Some children are also more spirited than others and will test EVERY. SINGLE. BOUNDARY. every time. Just because your child is unhappy about it doesn't mean its not a reasonable boundary. This has been a hard one for me. I have a very spirited child and I have often second guessed myself, sometimes that's good, but in retrospect I wish that I had always enforced the staying in the cart/stroller rule because I spent so much more time being frustrated and angry, yelling and dragging dd back and in the end I think that was less gd than just calmly explaining the rule and letting her have her feelings about it..

[MammaV]

My kids were not bolters, but my dear friend has a DD who was a terrible bolter. Parking lots, out of the house, at the park - her DD was gone! She consistently enforced hand holding or cart riding. Her DD would be upset, but she had to follow the rules. Momma was firm, gentle and consistent. She never had anyone to watch her kiddos so they were always with her. She was always calm through the challenging times and always kind. She was a great example to me about GD. She also set the expectation at home, in the car and at the store. I think the combo of set expectations and consistency did it for her LOs.

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Originally Posted by MammaV

My kids were not bolters, but my dear friend has a DD who was a terrible bolter. Parking lots, out of the house, at the park - her DD was gone! She consistently enforced hand holding or cart riding. Her DD would be upset, but she had to follow the rules. Momma was firm, gentle and consistent. She never had anyone to watch her kiddos so they were always with her. She was always calm through the challenging times and always kind. She was a great example to me about GD. She also set the expectation at home, in the car and at the store. I think the combo of set expectations and consistency did it for her LOs.

What did she do when her kids were playing at a park or a children's museum or the beach? Those are tough for me to figure out. All the other kids are going down the slide or running around, but mine is the one who plays like everyone else for 15 minutes and then bolts unexpectedly. Constantly holding hands on a playground doesn't help him get any exercise or use any equipment. I would so love to talk to a mama who has been there and their child survived.