Just watched the birth video and a confession

[ShineliketheSon]

Just watched the birth video on the recorder. Should have had a box of tissues with me! The light for the MW was glowing so bright on my hooha that I couldn't see the actual birth, but it was enough to hear and see everything else and I have the pictures of actual crowning. I really needed to see that video today. for some reason I felt this disconnect...like it really didn't happen, even though I know she is here. It was good to see that it was a good birth. All I know is what was in my head and all that was in my head was "this isn't going how it's supposed to, I"m not supposed to be hooked up to these machines, I should be in the water so it doesn't hurt so bad and shame on that nurse for being so rude." That was what I focused on inbetween contractions/pushing. But seeing it from the outside view, it was a GREAT birth! I called on God sooo much throughout it I had no idea, others in the hall may have thought I was swearing, but I was talking directly to HIM for help! I can't believe how long time there was between contractions and how long it seemed that I pushed. For me it was long but so fast at the same time...espeically pushing. And oh how tired I was from being up all night long...no wonder I don't remember everything!

I wasn't and am still not sure I should be writing this ...I hope it's not wrong for me to be writing this, I just feel like I'm hiding this weird thing deep down and I don't want it to end up some part of PPD. I will edit this if it is not appropriate, I would hate to upset these mamas. I think I need to get it out there so I can move past it.

The first week I was so focused on baby, but these last 2 weeks I've had a hard time not trying to put myself in Mischeivium and MI_Dawn's shoes. I don't know why in the world I would even want to know what that feels like, it's some wierd subconcious thing I must do. I did the same when a gal I didn't even know lost her 2 year old girl to cancer. I''m in no way saying I know what these women feel, my mind can't even begin to imagine what that acutally feels like...this is just a problem I've been having. When I follow tragic stories of moms and children so closly I pull myself into the emotion. It's as if I see the faces of their children in mine, sometimes literally. Like it should have/could have been me. And I do this off and on all day long. I know it sounds crazy, I'm sure it's just fear of what if... But after making cards for them, and then seeing my birth video, and some prayer, I'm really hoping I can release that fear/emotion. I will never forget those beautiful babies and knowing of them has made me a better mom, I hold my LO tighter and am more grateful for even the frustrating moments. But I do hope that now I know my birth was what was on that video and it was a great one I can just live in the present of my life. My heart and love reaches across the earth to you Mischeivium and MI_Dawn and it will for a very long time!

[MI_Dawn]

Originally Posted by ShineliketheSon

My heart and love reaches across the earth to you Mischeivium and MI_Dawn and it will for a very long time!

Thank you. :

I don't think it's weird or abnormal... I do this, too... in fact, I even talked about Mischevium's loss in the very moments before the midwife was about to check William's heart rate. There I was, telling her how moved and devastated I was about THAT loss, and had no idea I was about to deal with my own.

When you have a great capacity for empathy, you can get caught up in the suffering of... well, the whole world, sometimes. It's hard, but like you say, it does make you so very grateful for what you have.

And I'm grateful and relieved to hear you talk about it. I know this had to have effected all of you in some way... I know, because I was in your shoes briefly, having a living baby inside of me, and watching someone in our DDC lose hers. And then I joined her, on the other side.

Talking about it and having it out there in the open is always the better option, as far as I'm concerned.

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by MI_Dawn

Thank you. :

I don't think it's weird or abnormal... I do this, too...

And I'm grateful and relieved to hear you talk about it. I know this had to have effected all of you in some way... I know, because I was in your shoes briefly

Talking about it and having it out there in the open is always the better option, as far as I'm concerned.

Oh MI_Dawn, through my running tears, all i can type right now is thank you for your message!

ETA: ok i'm a bit more composed now. From my bawling episode...I now know you are exactly who I needed to hear from. It is such a relief to get that out and know I'm not crazy. It amazes me how people you've never met can mark your life forever.

[Sasharna]

I'm glad you posted this, Shine... and I'm glad to read your response, Dawn.

I'm NAK but it doesn't really matter. I tend to stumble all over myself when it comes to talking about these kinds of emotions, even when I have two hands. They are very much present in my mind but defy my attempts to assign them words.

What you wrote resounds with me, too, though. I think about these precious babies every day--William especially, since I read Dawn's blog. When my baby needs me, it is never a burden to go to him. I know in that moment, across the world, so many mamas would give anything to be able to tend to their little ones. Somehow it seems all the more pressing that I do my job right and with a happy heart, as if in honor of them. I wish I could do more.

[Lindsay1234]

Shine - this made me misty-eyed! There is nothing wrong with wanting to post this stuff! We all have different birth stories and we should celebrate them all!!!

I have to admit, when i saw my blue baby, I literally thought "Im going to be the 3rd one to lose a baby", thinking of all of us on here. Im not joking. The pain I feel for both you Dawn, and mischevium is so real, I carry it with me everyday.

Believe me shine, I know what its like to feel grateful. We almost lost Sophia 3 times and I cherish every diaper change, every silent cry (throat is still sore form ventilator) and even every single blood draw and catheter!

And now Im crying for all the mothers and babies on here!!!

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by Sasharna

I'm glad you posted this, Shine... and I'm glad to read your response, Dawn.
Somehow it seems all the more pressing that I do my job right and with a happy heart, as if in honor of them. I wish I could do more.

I'm glad that this post has helped others, I hesitated so much posting it. Sasharna what you wrote about honoring them by doing your job well is soo touching, I feel the same.

Originally Posted by Lindsay1234

Shine - this made me misty-eyed! There is nothing wrong with wanting to post this stuff! We all have different birth stories and we should celebrate them all!!!

I have to admit, when i saw my blue baby, I literally thought "Im going to be the 3rd one to lose a baby", thinking of all of us on here. Im not joking. The pain I feel for both you Dawn, and mischevium is so real, I carry it with me everyday.

Believe me shine, I know what its like to feel grateful. We almost lost Sophia 3 times and I cherish every diaper change, every silent cry (throat is still sore form ventilator) and even every single blood draw and catheter!

And now Im crying for all the mothers and babies on here!!!

Lindsay I can't imagine going through what you have gone through either. I hated when LO had her blood drawn twice at hospital but when thinking of her not being here it puts a whole new spin on things.how I pray for your LO and can't wait to hear you share the news when you get to bring her home!


Still think of them often but trying not to step in their shoes today.

[Murph12334]