Originally Posted by greenirene
I"ve been studying what it is I really want in life with great intensity for a year and a half now. I became crystal clear on a lot of very specific points before I thought about the new guy. I did lots of personality tests. read a lot of books. discovered a lot through my nighttime dreams and let my mind really embrace my own real personality and self...I was on a warpath to discover myself...As for him he'll be committed to me for life no matter what. If he has to wait years to see me again, he will. He spends all his energy trying to help me works as many hours as is superhumanly possible to try to get funds together for me. He would go to the moon and back for me...Together we're barely stoppable...he and I are the hardest working people we've ever known...and we're unstoppably positive people and great at finding creative solutions in the face of all odds.
Oh, Irene. First you needed advice, but now you have it all figured out?
It is so easy to pledge endless devotion to each other when:
A- You have a "mission" together, a battle to win, a seemingly insurmountable obstacle that you're determined to overcome; and when
B- You feel like Romeo and Juliet, longing for each other but kept apart by the cruel world.
Have you heard the saying, "After you rescue a damsel in distress, you just wind up with a distressed damsel,"? If you win your battle and wind up free to take your kids and live with or marry this guy, at that point your relationship with him will have a whole different basis and a lot less dramatic tension. Sometimes he will be the slob who won't put the toilet lid down and sometimes you will be the nag who won't let him eat red meat when he wants to (or whatever
mundane lifestyle issues you develop - everyone has them). The point is, you may very well discover that you loved the longing
and the promise
of him more than you love the sometimes-grouchy, sometimes-smelly, sometimes-unreasonable real person
that he is when he's not rescuing you. You can't "know"
how that will go, because you've never yet carried on a relationship with him when you weren't in need of rescue
.And if your entire divorce is financed by him
, both you and he will feel obligated to try to make things work, even if you find out you're not right for each other. Does that sound familiar? You say you already stayed with a complete asshole for a decade, from a sense of moral obligation. How long might you stay with a guy who may not
be a complete asshole, but whom you discover you don't really love?
If you are a SAHM and your husband is employed, not only will he have partial or total responsibility for your legal fees if you file for divorce, but legally his income is "your" (both of your) income, so he will not be allowed to deny your basic material needs while the divorce is going on, just because he's mad at you. Moreover, you will get the house (apartment, whatever), because of the kids. Going to see a lawyer isn't a commitment
. He/she will listen to you and advise what he/she can do for you and how you should proceed before
you sign a contract. Your bill would only begin when you went back
to the same atty. Attorneys take on women all the time who don't have independent income sources, because they know they can get money out of the husband. A friend or relative could drive you, or if absolutely necessary, your knight in shining armor could take you, during one of those long periods that you mentioned your husband is away, for work. It's not the best option, but if necessary you can take your kids to the atty. with you. Women do it all the time!
Your husband may not deserve a lot of sympathy, but he at least deserves to know what game he's in the middle of playing. You referred to the two of you "using" each other. If you BOTH know you're working toward a divorce, that's one thing. You're even. But if HE thinks both of you intend to stay in your miserable marriage indefinitely, but YOU have a secret benefactor storing away money for you, and you're only going to tell him your plans AFTER you have all your ducks in a row and are headed out the door, that's totally unfair. He needs a chance to save up for an attorney, too. And here's a benefit for you: if you tell him your plans and he gets so mad that he goes out and files for divorce tomorrow, that will GUARANTEE he pays 100% of your legal fees, if he's the petitioner and you're a SAHM. If you are the only one who knows what road you and your husband are really on, wouldn't that make you "controlling", like you complain that he is?