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No Babies/Children Rule Weddings? - Page 6

post #101 of 154
Your decision if it is your wedding. That said, if my husband was your usher he wouldn't go if our babe-in-arms wasn't welcome. Because he would look at it as in the bridal couple not wanting his wife there, as to us it is a given that breastfed babes in arms go where mama goes.

In the past, pre-baby, I've been to two wedding that were specifically no kids. However, at both of them the bride and groom had made an exception for one baby: in one case the baby of a close friend of the bride's, in the other the baby of the groom's brother. In neither of these cases did the babies in any way disturb the wedding. The mothers sat with baby in the back, and if they cried I assume they went outside, I heard nothing. In both cases I think the mother left part-way through the reception, as it was dinner-time, and I assume they took their babies home to bed.
post #102 of 154
we were the exception at my sister in law's child free wedding. dd was 3 weeks old, & there was no way in hell i was leaving her behind, or that dp was going to go the wedding without us.

sister in law had a grand childfree english wedding paid for (to the tune of £25,000) by her parents, & they had a HUGE say in the guest list
post #103 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommytoC View Post
Personally, I've been to two weddings without kids or babies, and they were incredibly boring. Weddings with kids are always a blast!
Wow, that's a pretty insulting view of your friends. I don't think it would sway many brides & grooms towards inviting kids to tell them that their wedding will be utterly boring unless kids are there. Most people like to think that their friends find them interesting.
post #104 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Is this a BF infant? If not, I'd say stand your ground. But if the babe is EBF, it would be different.
This argument absolutely drives me up the wall. Do you think that bottle-fed babies aren't attached to their mothers? Do you think think mothers of bottle-fed four-month-olds don't give a damn about leaving them?

My breastfeeding relationship with my first child failed, and she was entirely bottle-fed by four months. I felt horrible about it. I can't even imagine how much worse I would have felt if someone had told me that she wasn't welcome somewhere that a breastfed baby was welcome... because obviously our attachment wasn't worth supporting.
post #105 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivka5 View Post
This argument absolutely drives me up the wall. Do you think that bottle-fed babies aren't attached to their mothers? Do you think think mothers of bottle-fed four-month-olds don't give a damn about leaving them?

My breastfeeding relationship with my first child failed, and she was entirely bottle-fed by four months. I felt horrible about it. I can't even imagine how much worse I would have felt if someone had told me that she wasn't welcome somewhere that a breastfed baby was welcome... because obviously our attachment wasn't worth supporting.
Yeah, I don't think it matters whether a babe that young is BF or FF.

My baby is FF(previous 3 children were all BF). I can't leave her any more than I could leave my EBF babies. She won't eat for anyone else...and frankly, it doesn't matter. She and I are a pair. Period.
post #106 of 154
DH stood up in a wedding when DD was an infant, it was no children. We didn't leave her over night, so we left her with family that lived near by. She had a rough time, with strangers. The bride and groom were CLUELESS why we didn't want to leave her overnight. They had given us special permission, because DH was in the wedding party, but then changed their mind at the last minute because their friends with kids didn't think it was fair (and really, it wasn't), they had their feelings hurt because we left early, it was a big issue and caused a rift for a while.

I had another friend, out of state, who initially said no kids. He was the last of our "group" from college to marry and most of us had infants. So many people said they couldn't come, out of state, if they couldn't bring their kids, that they backed down and changed their mind!

I don't understand the "no kids at weddings" thing. The most fun, and most formal, weddings I've been to have had kids. Kids are fun, and choosing to bring them should be up the parents, IMO. All that said, it is CLEARLY the decision of the bride and groom, on their special day. NOT the IL's, parents, friends or other people....
post #107 of 154
I posted w/o reading and to come back to second Galatea's post! She's totally, absolutely right and repeated what many other posters said. You'll see, down the road when you have kids, that your wife and children trump your buddies.

You get to set the rules for your wedding, but you cannot therefore be upset when your guests choose not to come because of them.
post #108 of 154
I think we get a huge build up when we are planning our weddings and can get carried away on the importance of every single thing. Really I don't think you will notice his absence at the wedding. It is a shame that you are making this into a relationship issue for the two of you.

I think a lot of people get caught up with invitation = requirement to accept. You invited him to be an usher, he cannot accept. It's nothing personal; it just won't work with his current circumstances.

It is absolutely reasonable that she won't leave her tiny baby. I certainly couldn't have. But I also would not have become bent out of shape if they didn't want her at a wedding. I just would have stayed home and hoped that the couple would not take it personally, as my staying home would not have been meant as some insult to them.

I really think you should let this go.
post #109 of 154
I wonder how the OPs future bride feels about all this time and attention being paid to one member of the wedding party. I mean, really, it's childish to keep carrying on about it.

Your usher is shining you on. He's putting his wife before his friends, as you too are supposed to once married. He's blaming his wife because you are not being gracious. I give him credit for putting his family first but think it's terrible that he is blaming his wife, as if she had him under lock and key.

You're getting married. It's time to grow up. Our friends cannot always be with us, even on very special days. Stop badgering a new mother and be gracious. You might even consider admiring this woman a bit as she is not persuaded by what other people are doing. I have no idea why you'd want adult friends who still bend into peer pressure.
post #110 of 154
I think not allowing children at weddings is.....

Shallow. Strange. Sad.

Weddings are a celebration of coupling and children are a result of coupling. Marriage is the foundation of family and children are almost always what makes a "couple" a "family." So, barring children, and therefore the mothers, from weddings is freakishly strange.

Decent parents will not allow a baby to disrupt a ceremony, and plenty of them wouldn't stay long/late at a reception if they go at all..... plus, inexpensive plans can easily be made for children at receptions so that everyone can have a good time. However, a can understand money issues ($$ per plate) and asking that children not attend the after party..... I wouldn't do that, but I can at least wrap my head around it.

A friend of mine who excluded children from his or her wedding would soon become an acquaintance and get a card of congratulations (and silent prayers that they will grow-up.)

FTR: I felt this way before DH and I had our daughter. Children were more than welcome at our wedding and party afterwards and, frankly, they were better behaved than plenty of the adult guests.

Also - for the record - I do not think that children need to be everywhere all of the time..... bars, uber-swanky/quiet coffee shops, mosh pits..... but "no children" at weddings really blows me away.

Trin.
post #111 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty View Post
Decent parents will not allow a baby to disrupt a ceremony,
"Decent" is so subjective though. I mean, there are "good" parents who let their kids whine and cry through a religious service because they think it's ok and it's "what kids do" and everyone else should just "deal with it". We've all been on an airplane where a kid cried the entire time and the parents hardly did anything to appease their child. I could go on and on. I think people in general have different opinions of what is socially acceptable, and fussy babies is one. Personally, I would exit the second my lo would make a peep. Others, I'm not so sure would. This is why the rule should be in place and the OP should accept that the usher is not coming and MOVE ON with his wedding.
post #112 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
"Decent" is so subjective though. I mean, there are "good" parents who let their kids whine and cry through a religious service because they think it's ok and it's "what kids do" and everyone else should just "deal with it". We've all been on an airplane where a kid cried the entire time and the parents hardly did anything to appease their child. I could go on and on. I think people in general have different opinions of what is socially acceptable, and fussy babies is one. Personally, I would exit the second my lo would make a peep. Others, I'm not so sure would. This is why the rule should be in place and the OP should accept that the usher is not coming and MOVE ON with his wedding.
Also, parents (me included) often sort of readjust to what "quiet" means. A cooing baby is music to a parent's ears but not always to everyone else. I think there was another discussion on this topic where someone mentioned you could hear her baby poo, and I laughed because that was SO TRUE of my son and I could just see that happening in the middle of a moment in a ceremony designed to be quiet and reflective. Wouldn't that be great on the DVD.

For my husband and I, we didn't care. We enjoy a little chaos and we were happy to include kids, although at the time our family didn't have any but one baby (hard to believe when we look at it now!)

Other people do care; they want a solemn and dignified and adult event. That's fine.

But OP, it doesn't let you out of the basic obligations and courtesies of friendship, which is to permit a gracious regret - well, graciously. Invite another friend instead and treasure the one who's refused, because this is probably the man who is going to drive over to sit with you and your first child in the ER when you need him to, if you know what I mean.
post #113 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by slylives View Post
Which is malicious, spiteful and a good deal ruder than any invitation requesting that children be left at home. I only hope you were joking. :
No kidding. My world may revolve around my kids, but I don't expect everyone else to feel the same way and boycott a wedding over it. It's NOT all about me and my kids.
post #114 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I think there was another discussion on this topic where someone mentioned you could hear her baby poo, and I laughed because that was SO TRUE of my son and I could just see that happening in the middle of a moment in a ceremony designed to be quiet and reflective. Wouldn't that be great on the DVD.
So true!!!
post #115 of 154
My brother got married when my daughter was five months old. When the invitations rolled out, dd was not on them. I sort of asked around (because I felt like asking directly really put the bride on the spot) and my brother got back to me that yes, her parents who were paying for the whole thing, didn't really want children there. He also said that if I wanted, they could make a stink (SIL agreed) but I could tell he was uncomfortable about it. I was lucky enough to have a trusted sitter (friend of the family) that I could ask to keep DD. We went to the wedding and left the reception earlier. Her parents have not turned out to be control freaks, they have been very kind and her mother and my daughter are now great buddies. In their circle of friends, no one brings small children to weddings, thats' just how it is. I didn't take it personally because it wasn't personal.

What I'm saying is, these people are paying for the reception and having it in their home. They would like to have a party for grown ups and it sounds like this isn't some weird thing they've pulled out of their butts, it's just how things are done. The OP is trying not to start out his marriage by causing a stink with his in laws over something pretty minor. That doesn't make them control freaks or him a doormat (and honestly, I am all ABOUT boundaries between adults and their parents but some of the MY CRAZY MIL threads on parenting forms make me want to point out that it's ok to bend sometimes). The wife isn't nuts for not wanting to leave her baby. The friend isn't a jerk for not wanting to leave his wife and baby. It's not what I would do, but it's not weird or controlling. No one is being all that unreasonable in this situation UNLESS the OP decides to hold a grudge about this. Let it go. You can't have everything all the time.
post #116 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
What I'm saying is, these people are paying for the reception and having it in their home. They would like to have a party for grown ups and it sounds like this isn't some weird thing they've pulled out of their butts, it's just how things are done. The OP is trying not to start out his marriage by causing a stink with his in laws over something pretty minor.
It's apparently not minor to him, as he's had an extended conversation with the baby's mom, trying to make her change her mind, and is now posting here asking what he can do. It's too minor to upset his in-laws, but not too minor to hassle a new(ish) mom for 45 minutes? Doesn't compute.

I guess rules really are different in different places. I've never heard of anybody's parents deciding who their children could invite to their own wedding, no matter who was footing the bill. In my circle, that would be considered unbelievably rude. (Mind you, I haven't exactly hidden my lack of patience with formal etiquette, so this could definitely be entirely by the book.)
post #117 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivka5 View Post
Wow, that's a pretty insulting view of your friends. I don't think it would sway many brides & grooms towards inviting kids to tell them that their wedding will be utterly boring unless kids are there. Most people like to think that their friends find them interesting.
What does it have to do with your friends? At most weddings I've attended, I've had about 5 minutes to talk to the couple getting married. If I find the other 2-3 hours boring, I can't see any way in which it's a reflection on the couple, or on how interesting I find them.

I doubt I'd attend a child-free wedding, now that I have kids. Before I had kids, I attended several (not surprising, as I was one of the first in my circle of friends, and first in my family, to have a baby). I did want to share the day with my friends, and wanted them to know they had my support and all that...but I didn't like them much. Different strokes and all that...
post #118 of 154
I haven't read all the responses, but just wanted to add my experience. My dh was best man at his borther's wedding (his only sibling) Our dd was 10 months old at the time and we were expected to leave her with a completely unknown sitter. I spent the entire service playing with her in the nursery, and she came with us to the reception (late evening, black tie) While I know that people can make their own rules, I have to admit that this experience has tainted my feelings toward my bil and his wife. I also tend to wonder how their attitudes toward children will change when they have some of their own and when his wife's siblings have children (her family called the shots at their wedding) We had already travelled 10+ hours to be there, we had no one there with whom we could comfortably leave her, and she was still exclusively breastfed, so it would have been tough anyhow. I'm still hurt that bil didn't want his niece there, or me.

If you really care about your relationship with your friend, then I'd discuss an exception with your fiancee. It doesn't matter whether someone is justified in not wanting children there, or whether the wife is being over-sensitive-- the fact is that not allowing them will likely cause hurt feelings, regardless of who is "right"- and those feelings can linger for a long time.
post #119 of 154
Thread Starter 

Thank you...

Everyone for your input it has been most enlightening for me but also sad that several of you have misread the situation entirely.

Firstly i did not call her for my own good, her husband asked me too as it was causing him real friction at home. So i had not hassled them one bit and spent the entire conversation telling the reasons behind the decision we had come to. Not once did i ask her what her problem was i why she didn't want to come so please stop having a pop at me.

Secondly i should add that it was her that got so worked up that other friends were telling me she was saying things like - i can't believe he lived with us for 4 months when he was between properties and now he's effectively saying i can't come to the wedding! (i did live with them it's true 3 years ago but i was paying full market rent so it was not just a favour they benefitted too, i would also like to add wat has it got to do with the no babies rule at my wedding)

I can't explain everything but please read the question and don't go off at tangents as some of you are crucifying me and you don't even know me. Can i also say that i'm not some child hating doormat, i have 2 good children and want to have children but that has got nothing to do with this i just have no choice on this.
post #120 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
i just have no choice on this.
Normally I wouldn't even respond, nothing new to add, but I think this attitude is really confusing people.

Folks are supporting your decision to not invite children to the wedding - but it's really confusing when you keep saying you have NO CHOICE. Of course you have a choice, and if you really believe your hands are tied and you have absolutely no options - well, I don't know, it's just really strange to me, and to other people too.

It sounds to me like it wasn't necessarily your idea to not invite children, but you're fine with it - which is totally fine - but hiding behind the "I have no choice" mantra.
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