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No Babies/Children Rule Weddings? - Page 2

post #21 of 154
a wedding is a very special day and the choice is up to the couple. I personally did not want any children at my first wedding and would prefer none at my upcoming wedding. Although I have children and that is unrealistic.
post #22 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
For the life of me I don't understand why you are giving your in-laws any say at all in a matter which should be entirely up to you. This does not bode well for your future with their daughter, imo.
If they are contributing, they have a say. Most likely they are paying most of or a lot of the costs.
post #23 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post
If they are contributing, they have a say. Most likely they are paying most of or a lot of the costs.
I am so glad my parents didn't have this attitude when I got married. That's a whole other etiquette question I guess- giving gifts with strings attached.
post #24 of 154
I'm not sure which/whose reaction you're asking about, so here's my take:

It's perfectly okay to have a child-free wedding.

However, babes-in-arms often cannot be left for hours with people other than the parents. Sometimes they can, but certainly not always.

So if you choose to have a child-free wedding, you need to graciously accept the fact that it means some people with children will not be able to attend.

Pressuring the mother and saying that other people have to abide by the same rules doesn't help. If my husband was asked to usher at a wedding and we couldn't bring a young pre-mobile baby, we would have to decline. It's just how it is. :
post #25 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
I am so glad my parents didn't have this attitude when I got married.
me too! LOL
post #26 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post
If they are contributing, they have a say. Most likely they are paying most of or a lot of the costs.
They may have chosen to pay for it but still, doesn't the couple plan the wedding? Isn't it supposed to be their day?
post #27 of 154
What is your fiancee's feelings on the subject - is it possible that she would like a no kids wedding (which is absolutely fine and understandable) and is having her parents take the fall?
Are your future in laws financing this wedding - is it possible that cost is playing a part in the no kids invited rule? Some reception locations charge the same for toddlers as they do for adults.
Is it possible that they are inforcing the no kids rule so strictly because there are some invited with children who would pitch a fit if others were allowed to bring their kids and they were not?
There are so many reasons as to why they said what they did - the best route to take at this moment would be to discuss it with your fiancee first and see how things go from there.
post #28 of 154
I think it works like this. If parents decide to pay for a wedding, it's a gift from them. Most parents (I think) like to work with the couple to give them the day that they want, obviously within budget contraints of course. Some may choose to do things their way. Since it's a gift, the couple cannot "make" the giver give them what they want - but they can of course decline the gift gracefully.

I could be wrong, but I think that's how it works. Again, I think most people are reasonable and if they are in a position to gift a wedding, they usually like to do what the couple wants (with possibly some discussion on some points).

If they are really digging in their heels about this, that's an awkward situation and an unfortunate one. It would make me be very careful of my inlaws in the future.
post #29 of 154
Thread Starter 

It's my wedding!

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I think i should be a little clearer that this wedding is in england and will be governed by several rules of etiquette. This rule is very normal; as i said at least 90% of the weddings i go to have it. The rule is also not going to be bent no matter what happens. All the other guests are ok with it and as some have mentioned are happy for the excuse to get some time out. Another guest is also in the same boat and his wife has happily stayed at home to let the husband come along. The problem is my Ushers wife has taken complete exception to this and is banning my great friend from attending. So do i just accept that he can't come??
post #30 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
Thanks for all the replies everyone. I think i should be a little clearer that this wedding is in england and will be governed by several rules of etiquette. This rule is very normal; as i said at least 90% of the weddings i go to have it. The rule is also not going to be bent no matter what happens. All the other guests are ok with it and as some have mentioned are happy for the excuse to get some time out. Another guest is also in the same boat and his wife has happily stayed at home to let the husband come along. The problem is my Ushers wife has taken complete exception to this and is banning my great friend from attending. So do i just accept that he can't come??
Yep, you accept it. You have the right to make/keep the rule and he has the right not to come.
post #31 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
Thanks for all the replies everyone. I think i should be a little clearer that this wedding is in england and will be governed by several rules of etiquette. This rule is very normal; as i said at least 90% of the weddings i go to have it. The rule is also not going to be bent no matter what happens. All the other guests are ok with it and as some have mentioned are happy for the excuse to get some time out. Another guest is also in the same boat and his wife has happily stayed at home to let the husband come along. The problem is my Ushers wife has taken complete exception to this and is banning my great friend from attending. So do i just accept that he can't come??
I'd just accept it. It's not the end of the world. These things happen when you have kids. It IS very childish and vindictive of your Usher's wife to ban her husband from attending, but it is their family business, not yours.
post #32 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
Thanks for all the replies everyone. I think i should be a little clearer that this wedding is in england and will be governed by several rules of etiquette. This rule is very normal; as i said at least 90% of the weddings i go to have it. The rule is also not going to be bent no matter what happens. All the other guests are ok with it and as some have mentioned are happy for the excuse to get some time out. Another guest is also in the same boat and his wife has happily stayed at home to let the husband come along. The problem is my Ushers wife has taken complete exception to this and is banning my great friend from attending. So do i just accept that he can't come??

Sure, what choice do you have but to accept it?

I would probably send my husband alone, but maybe he's irritaed that his wife can't come, ?
post #33 of 154
[QUOTE=hammieg;13804195]Thanks for all the replies everyone. I think i should be a little clearer that this wedding is in england and will be governed by several rules of etiquette. This rule is very normal; as i said at least 90% of the weddings i go to have it. The rule is also not going to be bent no matter what happens. All the other guests are ok with it and as some have mentioned are happy for the excuse to get some time out. Another guest is also in the same boat and his wife has happily stayed at home to let the husband come along. The problem is my Ushers wife has taken complete exception to this and is banning my great friend from attending. So do i just accept that he can't come??[/QUOTE]


I don't see where you have any other choice but to accept it.
post #34 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Yep, you accept it. You have the right to make/keep the rule and he has the right not to come.
yeah that.

i don't have a problem with baby free weddings myself, but the last time we were invited to one our dd was 3 months old & no way we could leave her behind. so we both stayed behind with her. if the wedding was of a good friend of dp's, then he would go without me & the baby though. but your friends can do as they chose.
post #35 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
I'd just accept it. It's not the end of the world. These things happen when you have kids. It IS very childish and vindictive of your Usher's wife to ban her husband from attending, but it is their family business, not yours.
Um I'm sorry but it is NOT "childish and vindictive" to say, I need help taking care of OUR child so I need you to stay home if we all can't go. It is realistic to ask for help and to DEMAND that help from your co-parent.
post #36 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
Thanks for all the replies everyone. I think i should be a little clearer that this wedding is in england and will be governed by several rules of etiquette. This rule is very normal; as i said at least 90% of the weddings i go to have it. The rule is also not going to be bent no matter what happens. All the other guests are ok with it and as some have mentioned are happy for the excuse to get some time out. Another guest is also in the same boat and his wife has happily stayed at home to let the husband come along. The problem is my Ushers wife has taken complete exception to this and is banning my great friend from attending. So do i just accept that he can't come??
Yes, I think you have to do just that.
I live in England also and while many wedding invitations are "no kids" almost all have an "except babes in arms, who are of course welcome" exemption on them. And I would think a 4mo is a "babe in arms"!.
What difference will it make to you if a 4mo baby is there? It will likely sleep the whole time!
post #37 of 154
I prefer weddings and receptions without children. Could you compromise and have her come to the reception but not the actual wedding. You can't make a 4 month old cooperate during the wedding. The mother should understand that.

I never understand these arguments. Am I the only one who would be psyched to stay home with my baby while my DH had to usher at a wedding?

HTH.
post #38 of 154
I understand you wanting your friend there to usher- but if there is absolutely no way that there can be an exception- then yes. Accept it. Don't hold a grudge against your friend- if the tables were turned- it would be a difficult decision for you to make as well. Trust me, your friend is just as frustrated as you are.

For what it's worth- my dh's best friend was married back in december. The wedding was in another state and required travel on our part. Dh was the best man. While it was a "no children" wedding- they made an exception for members of the wedding party. Meaning- the flower girl and ring bearer, their sibblings, and for our ds. I am sure that there were some other guests who were annoyed, but it was such a relief for us to not have to choose between our son and dh's best friend. I sat in the back with ds and when he started getting restless (he was 2.5 at the time) we excused ourseleves without anyone noticing. We stayed for the the dinner and the toasts, etc. About that time, I left the reception with ds and went back to the hotel. Dh spent the rest of the evening at the wedding. I think it worked out really well. And again, it was only possible for us to be able to attend and for dh to be in the wedding party because they made this concession.
post #39 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber View Post
Um I'm sorry but it is NOT "childish and vindictive" to say, I need help taking care of OUR child so I need you to stay home if we all can't go. It is realistic to ask for help and to DEMAND that help from your co-parent.

It's one evening and his friend's wedding - it is childish and demanding. I assume that this usher helps co-parent at other times, a few hours away from home certainly would not be unmanageable.
post #40 of 154
Hammieg, what are you looking for here? Because it sounds like your mind is made up on the course of actions you're going to take. And yeah, if the wife and baby can't come, you are going to have to accept that your friend can't either.

There is no etiquette rule so strict that it cannot ever be bent. Etiquette is intended as a tool to help people avoid offending each other and hurting each others feelings. Clinging to a rule when you know it hurts someone you care about is, well, not good for that relationship.

ETA: ANd without knowing the particular circumstances of the usher's family, I can't say that the wife is being at all unreasonable. Post-partum depression can be aggravated by isolation, it's possible that she's home with the baby alone all week, and if you're in the wedding (as opposed to just attending it) it's not a few hours, it's an all-day (sometimes all weekend) commitment. She's well within reason to require that her partner help meet her needs by either bringing her along or staying home with her.
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