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No Babies/Children Rule Weddings? - Page 3

post #41 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by roxyrox View Post
Yes, I think you have to do just that.
I live in England also and while many wedding invitations are "no kids" almost all have an "except babes in arms, who are of course welcome" exemption on them. And I would think a 4mo is a "babe in arms"!.
What difference will it make to you if a 4mo baby is there? It will likely sleep the whole time!
It makes me think of a quote from Winnicott:
"There is no such thing as a baby, there is a baby and someone."

Babes-in-arms/nurslings are part and parcel of their parents. IMO, you can't just separate them out as if they're removable parts. You, of course, have the right to stick to your guns and make that dictum based on some unspoken etiquette "rule," but others have the right to disagree. If you have the right to make the decisions for your wedding, surely he and his wife have the right to decide what's best for their family.Some may see the wife as being childish and vindictive; I see sticking to a rule that is hurting a friend as harsh and cold-hearted. I think you need to decide what's more important to you-- following a supposed rule being laid out by your in-laws or having your friend there.
post #42 of 154
Of course you have to accept that your friend will not be attending. I would stop trying to convince him and his wife that he should come. It is their decision, just like it is your decision to not allow babies at the wedding.
post #43 of 154
This wedding is for you and your wife. It has very little to do with your inlaws ideas about who should attend. It is your decision to include or exclude them.

Children are children. A nursing babe in arms really isn't the same thing. It is very, very common to make exceptions for them, even when a no children policy is applied to the wedding. Parents of older children will understand and not be offended.

As an usher, he is a good friend. It would be very normal to make an exception for him.

If I was in a similar circumstance and no exception wasn't being made, then personally, I wouldn't attend and my husband would. I would think it unfortunate but chalk it up to the fact that people without kids just don't really understand what a four month old needs, especially a nursing one. I wouldn't be grossly offended. But, yes, lots of people with infants would.
post #44 of 154
Is this a BF infant? If not, I'd say stand your ground. But if the babe is EBF, it would be different. I'd let them come but with the understanding that momma and baby sit at the back of the church and exit upon the first peep from baby!

FWIW, I have a friend who's getting married in an elaborate catholic ceremony just 2 1/2 weeks after my due date. She's already banned children/babies, but has told me mine will be the only one allowed because the babe will be so young and EBF. I will purposely sit at the back and make a quick exit if baby get fussy, so it's not that I'm being insensitive really by making this suggestion. It's what I'd do and what I'd expect another momma to do at my wedding.
post #45 of 154
Yes, you must accept their decision if you are sticking with your decision. In matters of etiquette I believe it is accepted that a babe in arms either nursing or not is not a separate person but part of his/her mother. If you consider this a exemption for babe in arms in easier to deal with. But again if your rule cannot be changed no matter what, you will need to accept that your friend may choose to spend time with his wife and child. My husband would with no question, not because I made him or would not allow him to attend but because his relationship to me and our children is important to him, more so than a single event in a friend's life.
post #46 of 154
Quote:
So do i just accept that he can't come??
Yep.

You have every right to decide who is and is not invited to your wedding. I'm totally with ya on that one. And guests have every right to look at the invitation and decide if they will or will not attend, for whatever reason.

If I were the wife, I'd just stay home if no sitter were available. It's one wedding, a few hours, who cares! Really, to me, it's just not that big a deal. Apparently she doesn't feel this way. You can't ask your friend to come to your wedding and tick off his wife - it's not fair to ask him to choose you over her and it's not fair to be mad at him when he decides to keep the peace at home. I know you're not married yet, but it's not a situation you'd appreciate being in either. Just say sorry you can't make it, would have been nice to have you there, we'll get together after. It's not worth holding a grudge.

I know it may seem like a huge deal right now - it's not. As someone with an 11th anniv coming up in two days, trust me, unless you nurse this grudge on purpose it won't be long before you get a little perspective on this and realize that it's just not worth being mad about.
post #47 of 154
If you want your friend to usher, you need to invite his family. If you can't do that, accept that while he is still your friend, he cannot accept your invitation. No harm, no foul, it's just a situation that doesn't work out for everyone.

I don't think it is at all childish of his wife to not want him to go if his family isn't invited, and you should stop badgering her about it. My husband would never go to a wedding without me (he wouldn't even ask me, it just wouldn't occur to him to go).

I do think that it is odd that it is your wedding and it appears that you don't have a problem with the child, yet you won't invite his family.
post #48 of 154
Thread Starter 

Their house

I should have probably pointed out for some others that it is their house where the reception will be and they are paying for it. I did ask my parents about it and they and others were in agreement that they are giving us this "present" so they can make some rules we just sadly have to go along with it. So it's not my choice which is why I'm so confused by the reaction of one person who should be central to the day.
post #49 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
I should have probably pointed out for some others that it is their house where the reception will be and they are paying for it. I did ask my parents about it and they and others were in agreement that they are giving us this "present" so they can make some rules we just sadly have to go along with it. So it's not my choice which is why I'm so confused by the reaction of one person who should be central to the day.
It's only central because you're making it central. You want to not have babies and you want your friend to come anyway. I just don't think you're going to get what you want.
post #50 of 154
So are you interested in Natural Family Living issues?
post #51 of 154
I think your best bet is to just be kind, let them both know that it's not your idea and you'd love to have them there, ILs just won't budge.

You're both in the same situation. YOUR new wife is in a difficult postion (parents hosting a reception) and you're trying to support HER and not rock the boat with the new inlaws. They have a new baby, maybe his wife was looking forward to time out around people or showing off the baby and now it's not going to happen and she's a little bruised. He's trying to support HIS wife. The first year with a new baby can be really really hard and people get sensitive about odd things. The first year with new ILs and a new marriage can be hard and people get sensitive about odd things. Just say you understand because you're in the same boat and make plans to celebrate (your wedding, their baby) later.
post #52 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
I should have probably pointed out for some others that it is their house where the reception will be and they are paying for it. I did ask my parents about it and they and others were in agreement that they are giving us this "present" so they can make some rules we just sadly have to go along with it. So it's not my choice which is why I'm so confused by the reaction of one person who should be central to the day.
It doesn't matter who's paying for it, it's YOUR wedding. YOU and your fiance get to make the decisions about the guest list! Your wedding day is about YOU and who YOU want there (not who your in-laws want/don't want!).
post #53 of 154
Thread Starter 

Sometimes in life...

Things are non negotiable, this is one. We talked about it and cases were put forward from both sides but this was the end result, after all you make exception for one and there are 25 kids behind them wondering why they couldn't come.
post #54 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
Things are non negotiable, this is one. We talked about it and cases were put forward from both sides but this was the end result, after all you make exception for one and there are 25 kids behind them wondering why they couldn't come.
I'm not sure what you want. You made your choice and your friend made his. If you're waiting for him to come knocking on your door to say "You were right, I was wrong, and I will do what you want" I don't think it's going to happen. As my fourth grade guidance counselor used to say, "You cannot change other people. You can only decide how you are going to react." And in the immortal words of The Rolling Stones "You can't always get what you want."
post #55 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
I'm not sure what you want. You made your choice and your friend made his. If you're waiting for him to come knocking on your door to say "You were right, I was wrong, and I will do what you want" I don't think it's going to happen. As my fourth grade guidance counselor used to say, "You cannot change other people. You can only decide how you are going to react." And in the immortal words of The Rolling Stones "You can't always get what you want."
Yeah, I agree.

IME weddings without children are booze fests. If I could not attend because I had an infant then I would not want my husband attending either.

Also some people have a harder time after having a baby or the baby might be teething or whatever, if she doesn't want her husband to go then she just doesn't want her husband to go.
post #56 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
Things are non negotiable, this is one. .
It sounds like your friend and his wife feel the same way :

It is disappointing, but it needn't affect the friendship unless you let it.
post #57 of 154
He doesn't want to tick off his wife, you don't want to tick off your in laws - your final option is to let her set up baby and sitter in a spare room at the ILs house somewhere so she can pop in often to BF, comfort, and check up on baby.

It is what it is. You can decide to be mad about it our you can say, ok, I understand, we'll miss you, and get going. This is how it is. To quote mine and many other grannies everywhere, put your big girl panties on and deal
post #58 of 154
OP, I also think you may not be getting the answer you're seeking here on MDC because this is an attachment parenting/natural family living forum. Our Statement of Purpose states:
Quote:
Mothering celebrates the experience of parenthood as worthy of one's best efforts and fosters awareness of the immense importance and value of family life in the development of the full human potential of parents and children. At Mothering we recognize parents as experts and seek to provide truly helpful information upon which parents can make informed choices. Mothering is both a fierce advocate of the needs and rights of the child and a gentle supporter of the parents, and we encourage decision-making that considers the needs of all family members. We explore the reality of human relationships in the family setting, recognizing that raising the heirs of our civilization well is the prerequisite for a healthy society.

Mothering advocates natural family living, including the ancient way of being with babies and children that is known today as attachment parenting. This way is reliant on the inherent integrity of children and the inviolate intuition of parents. The family is the dominion of parents and children and authoritative knowledge rests with them. This website is a place to safely explore all the aspects involved in such a parenting philosophy.
This isn't to say that you aren't going to find people here who agree with you, but for the most part, people are going to assume that if the mother doesn't want to separate from her child and doesn't want her husband to attend without her, the family is making the best decision for them. And even on your wedding day, the needs of their baby are going to trump yours, at least for them.
post #59 of 154
Yeah, I was wondering what the OP was looking for, the posts are very confusing. I guess he's looking for us to say he should pitch a fit and "make" his friend come?

I'm not even sure if our answers are strictly based on natural family living - it's just poor etiquette to try to force anyone to do something against their will. And even if it wasn't poor etiquette, I don't see how it's going to acheive anything other than resentment and a broken friendship.

IMO there isn't an issue. There's only an issue if you make it an issue. You've extended an invitation to two of the three family members, it was declined. There's really not much more to be said or done other than "sorry you can't make it, let's get together some other time."
post #60 of 154
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
Yep.

You have every right to decide who is and is not invited to your wedding. I'm totally with ya on that one. And guests have every right to look at the invitation and decide if they will or will not attend, for whatever reason.

If I were the wife, I'd just stay home if no sitter were available. It's one wedding, a few hours, who cares! Really, to me, it's just not that big a deal. Apparently she doesn't feel this way. You can't ask your friend to come to your wedding and tick off his wife - it's not fair to ask him to choose you over her and it's not fair to be mad at him when he decides to keep the peace at home. I know you're not married yet, but it's not a situation you'd appreciate being in either. Just say sorry you can't make it, would have been nice to have you there, we'll get together after. It's not worth holding a grudge.

I know it may seem like a huge deal right now - it's not. As someone with an 11th anniv coming up in two days, trust me, unless you nurse this grudge on purpose it won't be long before you get a little perspective on this and realize that it's just not worth being mad about.
Bolding mine. ITA! I applaud this entire post. You think this is a huge deal. In perspective, it really is not. Ask another friend to be an usher. Problem solved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
I should have probably pointed out for some others that it is their house where the reception will be and they are paying for it. I did ask my parents about it and they and others were in agreement that they are giving us this "present" so they can make some rules we just sadly have to go along with it. So it's not my choice which is why I'm so confused by the reaction of one person who should be central to the day.
OK, so you are stuck in the middle. You made your decision. Your friend made his decision. Accept it and move on. Not sure why you are confused though. He is not central to the day. He is central to his wife and new baby. For the wedding, you and your new bride are central to the day. Not the usher.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hammieg View Post
Things are non negotiable, this is one. We talked about it and cases were put forward from both sides but this was the end result, after all you make exception for one and there are 25 kids behind them wondering why they couldn't come.
You do not have to make an exception. No babies. Nothing wrong with that, your wedding, your choice. Your friends wife can not come with her baby. Period. But then YOU must accept the consequences of your decision, that your friend can not come, because for whatever reason, he needs to be at home, taking care of HIS wife and HIS child. You want him to chose you over his family? What kind of friend are you that would want him to do that? Why don't you be gracious to your friend, and say, "I understand you can not come, that you need to be home with your wife and baby. Let's get together sometime in the future when your wife and child can congratulate us as well." I think you ought to maybe step back and imagine that since you do not have a 4 month old, that maybe your friend is in a different place in his life than you are, and maybe you can not understand it, but you can accept it, graciously.
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