How Do You Make Peace with DH's Not Wanting More Children?

[kafka]

I have three healthy and happy children, ages 14, 6, and 3. I'm 37 and my dh is 46. I've always wanted four kids and planned to get pregnant around now, but my dh has decided that he doesn't want any more. His reasons are that he feels overwhelmed with the ones we have, that he wouldn't be able to parent them as well with his attention spread over more children, that we don't have the financial means, etc. After approximately a year of begging/arguing on my part, he still holds firm. I'm supposed to have a diastasis recti surgery on July 8 and he would need to get a v shortly afterwards, since getting the surgery wouldn't be good for pregnancy. I had always said that I would have the surgery when I was "done" since my stomach's in terrible shape from the pregnancies. But I don't want to be done, and I'm having terrible grief. I think my wanting to have another, honestly, is partially about loving kids but also terror at getting older and having the kids get older. I feel like I'll officially hit middle age and start facing death without a little one. My dh points out that there will always be a "last one" and I guess he's right, but I'm really, really, suffering. I AP and feel like I really parent well now, I've worked out all the kinks and parenting now is really fun rather than hard and scary (like it was at first with my first dc). I really love my kids and I enjoy every minute of it. I just wish it wasn't coming to an end and time could stop and be this way forever. How do/did you make peace with transitioning away from being the mother of a little kid?

[savannah smiles]

That's a tough situation and I'm sorry you're feeling so much grief.

In my case, I was very willing to have a 3rd, but my dh was apathetic. I think I could have pushed hard enough to get him to go along with it but that wasn't good enough for me. I was sad and still get pangs from time to time. The only thing that has really helped was time. The older my kids get, the less I want to go through the baby stuff again.

Like you also mentioned, for me a big negative to being "done" was knowing that it meant I was aging and, at 35, heading into middle-age. I associate having babies with being young and that's not something I'm eager to say goodbye to. When I really thought about it, though, I knew that I would still be getting just as old even if I did have more kids.

[proudmomof4]

I was in about the same situation when I had 3 children (without the the surgery part, and I was 33 at the time).
I was in so much grief and frustration I could have punched condomes, really! After lots of discussions with my husband I was pregnant "all of a sudden". (How did that happen? ) It wasn't a pleasant experience, and I still have sad feelings about parts of the pregnancy and the postpartum week. My husband treated me with the "cold shoulder" for quite some time. (I didn't get flowers after the birth, to mention just one "highlight").
Having said that, I feel very blessed to have my 4th child in my life. I even think that my husband shares this opinion - but it was quite a strain on our relationship.
Hopefully this wasn't too much of a vent - this is your story. However, I just felt that you should be very aware of the "danger" involved.

[Ellen Griswold]

I understand completely what you mean. I'm one of those women who dreamed of being a mommy my whole life. I have 2, would like 1 more, dh says we can't afford it, and is probably right. So, what, I've accomplished my life goal at 33? Now what? It's a bit scary and yes, the grief is there too. Hugs, mama.

[kafka]

I definitely would love to hear the stories of other women...I feel very alone in this because most women I interact with don't really share my feelings (I'm a professional and "three" is a big number to them). It's very to helpful to hear both sides. What you describe is definitely a big consideration. Yes, of course, as grown women we all know how to get ourselves "accidentally" pregnant. But my dh and I are a good match and, given the strain my campaign to get him to agree has already caused, I worry that going against his wishes and forcing the issue might damage our marriage for good. In retrospect, the nagging was a poor idea because I think it solidified his aversion. If I had simply not mentioned it but been more attentive to him it might have been a better strategy. I've even considered leaving him and getting pregnant while I still can, given my age, but even considering that I'd be leaving a good marriage, the fact is that it would be terrible for my children. He really is a terrific father and they adore him. And, selfishly, I'd probably defeat the whole point since we'd be locked into a visitation agreement that would mean I would see them less.

Originally Posted by proudmomof4

I was in about the same situation when I had 3 children (without the the surgery part, and I was 33 at the time).
I was in so much grief and frustration I could have punched condomes, really! After lots of discussions with my husband I was pregnant "all of a sudden". (How did that happen? ) It wasn't a pleasant experience, and I still have sad feelings about parts of the pregnancy and the postpartum week. My husband treated me with the "cold shoulder" for quite some time. (I didn't get flowers after the birth, to mention just one "highlight").
Having said that, I feel very blessed to have my 4th child in my life. I even think that my husband shares this opinion - but it was quite a strain on our relationship.
Hopefully this wasn't too much of a vent - this is your story. However, I just felt that you should be very aware of the "danger" involved.

[philomom]

Well, I've lobbied for another kid for many years. I keep hoping for a "surprise". I guess dh thought if he put me off long enough we'd be too old. It is one of my only regrets in this long marriage with this great guy. And no, I don't really think I'll "get over it". I feel the little soul is calling to me in my dreams.

Take care of yourself.

[kafka]

Do you think, then, that women *should* just make it happen? Are we wrong to be getting into "discussions" about something that used to just occur naturally? I'm getting the impression that if it were up to men we'd never have any children at all, since having children does mean sacrifice (even just one). I mean, I was hoping that women would tell me that it initially bothered them but then they got over it and it was ok and they agreed it was the right decision to stop (and one pp said something like this). But if it means living with regret for the rest of my life, should I take charge now and just expect that my dh will come to love the child as much as I do (...although if the child were handicapped, and that becomes more of an issue at my age, I feel that I would be "blamed" by my dh for the rest of my life).

Originally Posted by philomom

Well, I've lobbied for another kid for many years. I keep hoping for a "surprise". I guess dh thought if he put me off long enough we'd be too old. It is one of my only regrets in this long marriage with this great guy. And no, I don't really think I'll "get over it". I feel the little soul is calling to me in my dreams.

Take care of yourself.

[ThirdEyeMom]

Originally Posted by kafka

I have three healthy and happy children, ages 14, 6, and 3. I'm 37 and my dh is 46. I've always wanted four kids and planned to get pregnant around now, but my dh has decided that he doesn't want any more. ... I'm supposed to have a diastasis recti surgery on July 8 and he would need to get a v shortly afterwards, since getting the surgery wouldn't be good for pregnancy. I had always said that I would have the surgery when I was "done" since my stomach's in terrible shape from the pregnancies. But I don't want to be done, and I'm having terrible grief. I think my wanting to have another, honestly, is partially about loving kids but also terror at getting older and having the kids get older. ...

---Long---
Sorry if I sound too blunt here. Based upon the info you provided I am impassioned, and you asked.

I see this as your personal issue, not your husband's or your children's, and you pretty much point this out. Your identity is wearing blinders is my spin on this. From what you offered, I don't see where you are looking at the entire proverbial book about your life, especially on the stages of womanhood within which you chose motherhood; and it appears to me that you are only focusing on the chapters of pregnancy and babyhood.

I just wish it wasn't coming to an end and time could stop and be this way forever. How do/did you make peace with transitioning away from being the mother of a little kid?

Coming to an end? Tho' you are enjoying your children you say, are you finding 3 & 6 & 14 "too old" to parent and you are therefore done? Your "job" as mother is not over--in fact, parenting goes on into the mid-20's--you have a long way to go while the involvement and duties of "parenting" lessens over time as part of a natural parenting process. What you have learned from parenting fits in at the point where your children will be asking your advice if they have children. In only a few years peri-menopause will start, so whether you mourn the "loss" of not having another child now, you will face that aspect then no matter how many children you have. None of this signals that your life is over!

My sister went through something similar when her daughter went to college. She made (and continues to make) my niece's life miserable because sister cannot let go. When my sister first came to me (3-4 years ago), I tried to get her to see that only the page turned to a new chapter of her personal book as well as to the book of her daughter's. They do not have a glowing relationship. (In part, we all have children with the expectation that they will grow into fine adults who in turn make this a better world, do we not?)

In my own life, I could not bring another child into the world because my DH was so selfish and childish, and he verbally acknowledged this on a thousand occasions. Knowing this, what kind of a woman would I be to have another child raised in this environment? I had to weigh it all and it was not easy. DC manifests some of DF's character, despite my trying to counteract in maturity. All has it's pitfalls.

You have a lot going on now. Facing surgery is a front part of this and it adds to the feeling of feeling vulnerable and questioning your future. The bolded part (mine) of your quote--just a suggestion: some therapy might be in order now before the surgery to begin to start the unraveling all of this. Pressuring your husband farther is not advisable and having an "Ooops! Baby" is no solution. It would be a totally selfish act, IMHO. Can I ask what inadvertent messages may be sent to your husband and children? that they don't matter for the sake of "your" one last child? It isn't new news here that your DH is almost a decade older than you and is in a different place than you. While you apparently know the answer, there is a lot to consider here. --Again, this just one person's opinion here and no harm meant in my opinion. I wish you peace of mind for surgery and your future.

[kafka]

I'm not easily offended, and I appreciate a blunt and more objective look at the situation. I was married to my ex-husband at 18 and had my first child at 22. My parents were domineering. I never had an independent womanhood, where I called the shots about how to live my own life (with one exception: 6 weeks wandering alone in Africa). Of course I'm very "emancipated" professionally, as I'm the boss of an organization, but as for the question of "when do I wake up?" and "when do I go to sleep?" and "do I get to take a looong bath if I really want to?"...I've never been able to make this decision. I'm told that this is one of the advantages of children growing up. I've never really seen the attraction, personally...when I go on business trips I spend the whole time wishing my kids were with me so we could enjoy them together. I think, being older, and having come to the parenting thing much later than me (late 30's), my husband misses his freedom to make those kinds of decisions, and that's the real reason he wants the babyhood stage to end. I'm thinking bliss is nursing a newborn, and he's thinking bliss is enjoying a good book at a restaurant in Tuscany.

You know what really scared me? My MIL is a feisty and really interesting lady, but one day we were having lunch in a restaurant and she said that the best years of her life were the ones when her children were young. I've literally been panicked since then that the best years of my life were passing before my eyes. Yes, I KNOW this is self-absorbed and selfish, and perhaps even "immature" (although what is maturity but a recognition of our own mortality?) but I am being honest. You seem older, and you seem to be saying that there is light on the other side.

To answer your question, my relationship with my 14 year old makes me think that, indeed, most of my parenting of him is essentially over. We have a terrific relationship, but he's quite independent. The opinions he has, are his alone. I don't feel he needs me emotionally (or really physically, for that matter).

Originally Posted by ThirdEyeMom

---Long---
Sorry if I sound too blunt here. Based upon the info you provided I am impassioned, and you asked.

I see this as your personal issue, not your husband's or your children's, and you pretty much point this out. Your identity is wearing blinders is my spin on this. From what you offered, I don't see where you are looking at the entire proverbial book about your life, especially on the stages of womanhood within which you chose motherhood; and it appears to me that you are only focusing on the chapters of pregnancy and babyhood.



Coming to an end? Tho' you are enjoying your children you say, are you finding 3 & 6 & 14 "too old" to parent and you are therefore done? Your "job" as mother is not over--in fact, parenting goes on into the mid-20's--you have a long way to go while the involvement and duties of "parenting" lessens over time as part of a natural parenting process. What you have learned from parenting fits in at the point where your children will be asking your advice if they have children. In only a few years peri-menopause will start, so whether you mourn the "loss" of not having another child now, you will face that aspect then no matter how many children you have. None of this signals that your life is over!

My sister went through something similar when her daughter went to college. She made (and continues to make) my niece's life miserable because sister cannot let go. When my sister first came to me (3-4 years ago), I tried to get her to see that only the page turned to a new chapter of her personal book as well as to the book of her daughter's. They do not have a glowing relationship. (In part, we all have children with the expectation that they will grow into fine adults who in turn make this a better world, do we not?)

In my own life, I could not bring another child into the world because my DH was so selfish and childish, and he verbally acknowledged this on a thousand occasions. Knowing this, what kind of a woman would I be to have another child raised in this environment? I had to weigh it all and it was not easy. DC manifests some of DF's character, despite my trying to counteract in maturity. All has it's pitfalls.

You have a lot going on now. Facing surgery is a front part of this and it adds to the feeling of feeling vulnerable and questioning your future. The bolded part (mine) of your quote--just a suggestion: some therapy might be in order now before the surgery to begin to start the unraveling all of this. Pressuring your husband farther is not advisable and having an "Ooops! Baby" is no solution. It would be a totally selfish act, IMHO. Can I ask what inadvertent messages may be sent to your husband and children? that they don't matter for the sake of "your" one last child? It isn't new news here that your DH is almost a decade older than you and is in a different place than you. While you apparently know the answer, there is a lot to consider here. --Again, this just one person's opinion here and no harm meant in my opinion. I wish you peace of mind for surgery and your future.

[Mizelenius]

Oh, Mama. I had an interesting conversation with my sister, a lawyer, about this recently. I thought it was strange that, when a married man is going to get a vasectomy, the wife's consent is necessary. After all, isn't it the man's own body? What my sister explained is that if people differ about the children issue, it is considered grounds for an annulment. In other words, even LEGALLY this is a big deal.

In reading your posts, it seems for you that you realize it comes down two choices at this point-- leave the marriage and maybe have more children, or stay without having more, and make peace-- you choose stay and make peace. I think if you see it as a CHOICE it might help just a little. If you feel someone is choosing for you, that can feel like you're trapped, but realizing that you are the one choosing can be freeing.

Some more thoughts, though-- not exactly to make peace, but to soothe you . . .would being a foster parent be an option for you at some point? I know it is a tough road with all of the bureaucracy, but it might be worth it.

Mama!!!!

[ThirdEyeMom]

Originally Posted by kafka

I'm not easily offended, and I appreciate a blunt and more objective look at the situation. I was married to my ex-husband at 18 and had my first child at 22. My parents were domineering. I never had an independent womanhood, where I called the shots about how to live my own life (with one exception: 6 weeks wandering alone in Africa). Of course I'm very "emancipated" professionally, as I'm the boss of an organization, but as for the question of "when do I wake up?" and "when do I go to sleep?" and "do I get to take a looong bath if I really want to?"...I've never been able to make this decision. ...

---Long again---

kafka, thank you for acknowledging my objective outlook.

Part of your experience (quoted above) is similar to my experience. I left my parent's home to start my own. Eventually, I got to a place where I was very unhappy and didn't know why. Among many things, I learned that I didn't have that space of time to develop my sense of self, that being who I was and what I was about. At this point I began this new chapter and added to my adventure. Your words lead me to believe that is where you are. And, the reference to domineering parents might not be worth mentioning now, had that space of individuation been more developed, especially after your divorce.

...I'm told that this is one of the advantages of children growing up. I've never really seen the attraction, personally...

I only agree on this point when one knows thyself enough to look forward to where they are going in life. (How will one know later that which they cannot identify now? It is having that proverbial personal book and not willing to admit that there are more chapters in the book, or looking forward to the next chapters. To find peace there has to be acceptance for what is.

...I think, being older, and having come to the parenting thing much later than me (late 30's), my husband misses his freedom to make those kinds of decisions, and that's the real reason he wants the babyhood stage to end. I'm thinking bliss is nursing a newborn, and he's thinking bliss is enjoying a good book at a restaurant in Tuscany. ...

Are you saying that you never thought about you being younger than DH before now? DH does appear to have ideas (identified) on what he is about and is looking forward to things because he is satisfied. There is a big gap in ages between your #1 child #2. Is it more fair to say that you wanted four children by your present age had your dreams not been interrupted by divorce? Time to relinquish what shoulda, coulda, and revamp to present cicumstances? As it is, your youngest is 3, and when he is only 17 DH will be of retirement age as early as 62. This might be were DH is looking at "we can't afford another child."

You know what really scared me? My MIL ... said that the best years of her life were the ones when her children were young. I've literally been panicked since then that the best years of my life were passing before my eyes.

Yes, but that was her life, and a retrospective comment at that. Sure, we all can look back at a fondness for something, and in a comparative way. That is what fond memories and hindsight are created from.

Yes, I KNOW this is self-absorbed and selfish, and perhaps even "immature" (although what is maturity but a recognition of our own mortality?) but I am being honest. You seem older, and you seem to be saying that there is light on the other side.

I don't think you self absorbed or selfish or immature, just in the throws of a dilema. Diastasis recti surgery--is it elective? And, what if DH had said yes, could you carry a child full-term? Would your health be at risk? Things to think about... "Diastasis recti is commonly seen in women who have multiple pregnancies, because the muscles have been stretched many times. Extra skin and soft tissue in the front of the abdominal wall may be the only signs of this condition in early pregnancy. In the later part of pregnancy, the top of the pregnant uterus is often seen bulging out of the abdominal wall. An outline of parts of the unborn baby may be seen in some severe cases." (WebMD) (JTLYK, I was responsible and foresighted at a younger-than-most age, and blessed with objectivity and ability to see the big-picture ("the light on the other side").)

To answer your question, my relationship with my 14 year old makes me think that, indeed, most of my parenting of him is essentially over. We have a terrific relationship, but he's quite independent. The opinions he has, are his alone. I don't feel he needs me emotionally (or really physically, for that matter).

I hope you'll revamp your thinking on that and ae able to see why parenting and the style it takes on goes on into mid-20's, tho' less direct. You have lots to look forward to for a long time! : I wish for you peace and happiness and a successful family in every aspect.

[proudmomof4]

"And no, I don't really think I'll "get over it". I feel the little soul is calling to me in my dreams." (philomom)

That's exactly what I felt back then!
Just FTR: this wasn't "oops" in the sense of "getting pregnant accidentally on purpose", it was more a lack of communication. After my husband had made it clear that he didn't want a 4th child I was ready for him to have a vasectomy. I would have found it easier to "know that we were done" than to always think "we still could if only we wanted".
Well, he didn't want to have a vasectomy then in case "something happened to one of the children" (???), while I didn't want to have an IUD. The rest, as they say, is history.

[savvybabygrace]

My situation is nothing like yours, but I too feel the pain of knowing that my dh is DONE with having children....but for a different reason. He can't stand watching me endure the severe PPD/PPP I go through with each child. We are expecting #3 next month and it terrifies both of us.
I had a lot of dreams of having 4 children, like my parents did, and surrogacy. But I can't go through the PPD again, or put my fam through it.

But that doesn't mean I don't feel sorrow about it. Just wanted to send love and support....

[Amila]

I am 26, DH is 31, and according to him we are done He tells me to be happy with what I have (I am!) but I don't feel done.

[ThirdEyeMom]

OP kafka,
I hope you are having a splendid holiday weekend with your family.

[ChampagneBlossom]

People make peace with it? Huh... well, I'm trying to, but without much luck.

[brokenheart]

Oh yes, I feel the exact same way. Except I only got to have 1 child. And I'm 40. This entire subject puts me into dispair on a regular basis. I realize I need therapy likely, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. The whole issue seems so daunting that I do nothing. So no, you are not alone.

As I watch my 6 year old get older and need me less, I feel more and more worthless. Realizing that there is no possibility of becoming pregnant again (DH had a vasectomy) makes me feel old and used up. When I see pregnant women, I feel very upset and jealous. Like all the good things in their life are just beginning, while mine are coming to an end. I realize this all sounds ridiciulous, but that's how I truly feel. Without a young child (under 5), I feel old. And it sounds like that is how you feel too.

This is a huge problem because I am faced with the truth daily. Every day my child will do something to remind me she's growing up (everything from losing more teeth to wanting privacy to not wanting me around). And every day I feel more and more upset and panicked. My mother told me twice (when my child was 2) that "these are the best days of your life". Wish I would have listened.

Now I keep hoping beyond hope that I'll get pregnant this year before I pass the 40 mark. But I know that isn't likey since DH had a vasectomy, and I also know it would be a mistake for my health. So I just go along absolutely hating my life.

I am so sorry that you are feeling bad about this as well.

[Storm Bride]

OP: I honestly don't know what to say. I never came to terms with it, and dh agreed to a fourth child (twice, as my fourth was stillborn). He basically did it because he felt it was the best choice for my mental health. Of course, I'm having a repeat cesarean, and one of his reasons for initially refusing was that he was concerned about the effect the section would have on my mental health. We talked about it a lot. I tried not to pressure him, but I'm sure I did. My reproductive life has felt like a never-ending race, consisting of full-out sprints (conceiving), followed by slamming into brick walls (secondary infertility, unwanted c-sections, miscarriages, stillbirth) at full speed. After we lost Aaron, I felt like I was never going to cross the finish line...and I'd put a lot of time and emotional energy into that particular race. I have to get across the line. I have to have that fourth baby that's been calling out to me for 22 years...

I honestly wish I could have come to terms with only having two or three. I really do. Back when I was young (24) and pregnant with my first, I had no idea what a trainwreck my attempts to have children were going to turn into. I had no idea how my repeated failures were going to affect me, psychologically. It's been a long, hard road.

And...I have no idea what life as someone who isn't trying to have a baby even looks like, anymore. I can't relate. I talk to women in my choir who have been done for years, and it's like talking to a Martian. It's going to be...surreal...

Anyway - I'm rambling...just wanted to say I know it's really hard, and I have no advice at all. I really wanted to be okay with stopping at three...but I wasn't. I just wasn't. I'm still not.


ETA: The age thing. I'd always intended/planned (hahahahaha) to have all four of my kids by the time I was about 30 or 31. Then, by 35. Then, my second by 35 (managed that). Then, have them all before 40. Unless this baby is premature, it will arrive 12 days after my 41st birthday. So...whatever...

[mama_miiteg]

I feel the exact same way as many who have posted in this thread sharing their feelings about having another child. The poster who wrote "I feel this little soul calling me in my dreams" echoes my feelings. And the self reflection and analysis as to whether this is just me not wanting to move into a different stage of life is a topic that I am attempting to give careful consideration at the moment.
It is tough. The grief is tangible. Feels like a real loss. The details of my story differ of course (my age and my partners', number of children, dynamics of conflict w/ dh etc) but the core issue is the same.
I can't really tell if I'm in denial currently about dh's not changing position or if what my non-acceptance means.

[proudmomof4]

To all mamas on this thread: thank you for sharing all of this. It feels so good to know that I am not the only one who felt this way! There have been times when I thought "I can't be a normal woman - I've been blessed with 3 healthy children. How could I possibly want or even deserve more?".