How Do You Make Peace with DH's Not Wanting More Children? - Page 3

[Thisbirdwillfly]

...but like any promise of relief to pain, there is an alure that floats through my head from time to time... an alternative to this grieving a life that I had hoped to bring forth...

Oh dear, I hate to say this but I don't think there is an alternative to grieving it. Sure, some women have a child and they know this is the last child and are okay with it. But that certainly does not extend to all women.

That's why I'm so glad we are speaking with each other here. There is a lot of "you'll always regret not having one more" or "just go for it!" type of support out there but it's harder to find support for knowing it's time to stop in your head while your heart is not convinced, and may never be. Darn our mothering hearts!

It really is a big life change, isn't it, to be "done" having babies? How amazing and wonderful the childbearing years are. I want them never, ever to end. I TOTALLY understand the original post. It is poignant.

Amazing and wonderful are not words I would use to describe my childbearing years (although my son more than makes up for that!) I think when you've had that overall positive experience, it does make it harder to stop. How could it not? But if we're lucky to live long enough, we all have to go through it eventually.

And poignant is the perfect word for it. Absolutely perfect.

[kafka]

I kept thinking about the fence metaphor all day...:

Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly

Oh dear, I hate to say this but I don't think there is an alternative to grieving it. Sure, some women have a child and they know this is the last child and are okay with it. But that certainly does not extend to all women.

That's why I'm so glad we are speaking with each other here. There is a lot of "you'll always regret not having one more" or "just go for it!" type of support out there but it's harder to find support for knowing it's time to stop in your head while your heart is not convinced, and may never be. Darn our mothering hearts!




Amazing and wonderful are not words I would use to describe my childbearing years (although my son more than makes up for that!) I think when you've had that overall positive experience, it does make it harder to stop. How could it not? But if we're lucky to live long enough, we all have to go through it eventually.

And poignant is the perfect word for it. Absolutely perfect.

[girlwouldmake3]

As you can see from my username, I also want another, but DH is "done". It's been a year and a half and I haven't made peace with the idea; seems like the only solace I find (besides the times when I'm thoroughly enjoying my 2 boys) is by finding out I'm not the only one in this spot -- I've read similar posts in family planning and also a recent long post on the adoption threads. I really want a daughter, and I guess I'll just never know what I missed. (DH had a vasectomy just after DS2 was born, so this would be through adoption.) When I look around me it seems everyone I know either was fortunate to have a daughter, or happy without one. I have days of just feeling sad, and days of feeling angry with DH for not choosing to give me this gift. (In my mind, we never planned how many children we would have, we just knew that we wanted to stop at 2 biologically. In his mind, adoption was only an option if we lost a bio child. I guess we should have figured out everything in advance, but I don't think I knew like I feel I know now how much I want to raise a daughter as well...) Anyway, I guess I have no advice except to focus on the family you have now -- I'm glad I have some time to figure out how to connect with a teenager, since already my 6-year-old likes his independence, but perhaps that's what you need to do with your 14YO? Perhaps as your children get older you can find ways to volunteer with young children. Also, many women have mentioned periods of "baby lust" which they managed to get through over time...

[AnalogWife]

I too like the fence/garden analogy. I married a man who made a point on our third date to tell me that he never wanted children, that they weren't for him. I was so happy to (finally!) have a boyfriend that I brushed it off, but it definitely was an issue deep inside me, and a sore spot during the counseling for our wedding in the Catholic church.

In time, I got him to agree to ONE. At the time, I only wanted ONE so I was : over the whole thing. It took me a year to get a BFP but I freaking LOVED being pregnant. LOOOOOOVED it, and hopelessly missed it the second it was over. Getting to experience another pregnancy would be my main reason for TTC #2, which isn't the best reason to have a #2.

My DH is a daytime SAHD, is 42, not in the greatest shape. He's a great SAHD, but unless I could stay home, I do believe that 2 kids (newborn!) would kill him. He's not getting enough sleep as it is, and he is A-OK with just being in love with the one that we have, he figures why ruin a great thing, and he's right. We are a very happy family of 3 (DS is now 2.) He also believes it's environmentally irresponsible to have kids, one of his main reasons for not wanting any in the first place.

Once in while we'll walk by a family of 4 where it's "working"---the kids are entertaining each other and well behaved and I think both of us get a little pulled toward #2. I do believe that our best bet for actually getting #2 is when DS gets a little older and when we miss his younger, more innocent days. But I"m no spring chicken either (36) so... One thing, DH's sister/bil and the bona-fide accidental 3rd child--they terrify both of us. They are just harried and cranky and exhausted and neither of us are interested in that life (not that it's guaranteed to be a rubbish life w/3 kids, it's just that I suspect it would be for us.)

The final line, the reason why I don't push for #2 hit me when I was booking a trip last winter. We're not Rockefellers, and if we want to travel the world we simply cannot afford 4 plane tickets. 3 is our max. If we DO become Rockefellers and I can quit work, #2 would be on its way next week (God-willing, of course.) Otherwise, thank you for the introspective posts. My garden is pretty awesome, the fence door does swing open here-and-there, though.

[mama_miiteg]

a part of the struggle for me is that it seems like I am accepting something for no good reason. If someone told me tomorrow that I could not physically have any more biological children, then I would work towards acceptance. But DH saying that "he just isn't feeling it" seems insubstantial to me... This is part of what I struggle with - grieving a loss that comes as a result of his ambivalence, or rather his strong conviction that he is done. Why am I the one who has to accept what he wants instead of the other way around? Particularly when I am the primary everything to do with house and family in our home?

[kafka]

Well, that was a big part of the problem for me. I love and respect my dh in general and therefore I am really am trying to be more generously-minded about it. But basically I think of his feeling overwhelmed with three kids as a limitation of his character, something I learned to get past in my life as a parent (I remember feeling overwhelmed with #1, but something clicked in my head with #2 and #3 was a breeze). In my life, I've tried to challenge my limitations, particularly when they affected other people. Maybe he did struggle to see himself as a father of four, but if so I wasn't a privy to it so his insistence seems a little flippant when he knows I care so deeply.

Originally Posted by mama_miiteg

a part of the struggle for me is that it seems like I am accepting something for no good reason. If someone told me tomorrow that I could not physically have any more biological children, then I would work towards acceptance. But DH saying that "he just isn't feeling it" seems insubstantial to me... This is part of what I struggle with - grieving a loss that comes as a result of his ambivalence, or rather his strong conviction that he is done. Why am I the one who has to accept what he wants instead of the other way around? Particularly when I am the primary everything to do with house and family in our home?

[Hey Mama!]

This is a timely thread for me as I have been having feelings on wanting another child. We have 3 girls who are stairstepped. That was not planned-I wanted two close in age, then wait until they were both in school and have two more close in age. Well, the second child is getting ready to enter kindergarten and I just feel like I still want to go ahead with our original plan, even though surprise girl #3 is in the mix. It especially stings at times when I see my best friend with her twins (dd #2 had a twin miscarry in early pregnancy). I feel that that spirit is still out there wanting to join our family. Plus, I am struggling with transitioning from being a mom of toddlers/preschoolers to having all school aged children. My youngest will go to school the following school year, right after her sister. I saw this thread a couple of days ago, dh was reading over my shoulder. I asked him why he is opposed to trying to have another child (he had a vasectomy when youngest dd was a year old so it's mostly a moot point anyway) he said it was about money and my health, but mostly about money. I am trying to come to terms that I will not be able to birth or nurse another wee babe ever again. I try to get my baby fix from above mentioned friend, as she has 3 under two. I'm babysitting for the baby next weekend, so I'm hoping caring for her for 48 hours will slap some sense into me and end this baby lust I have been having.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

I was sure, sure, SURE I only wanted three children. Now I am expecting #4. I can tell you, I was really done mentally before I unexpectedly got PG. I had no pangs, no wistful thoughts when I saw a newborn or pregnant mama. I think there is a point for many people where they are truly done. I do know some people who will probably always have a little hole in their hearts for that "just one more child" no matter how many children they have-- just depends on the person.

I think I'm a bit like that. I don't know if it's just the way I am, or one of the psychological "kinks" I've picked up along my reproductive journey. The road has just been SO much harder than I ever expected it to be - in every way. And, while I know it's not smart (or even particularly sane) to let other people's realities impinge on our own, it's been doubly hard watching my brother and sister. Neither of them ever wanted a bunch of kids (my brother wanted none, and my sister wasn't sure, but topped out at wanting two). They've had four each, almost all of them between ds1 and dd (my sister's twins were the last, and were born three weeks after dd), has been brutal. I know it's all had an effect on my ability to be rational about this.

There are so many factors involved in how we each react to this issue, and it's difficult to separate them out...

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Neither of them ever wanted a bunch of kids (my brother wanted none, and my sister wasn't sure, but topped out at wanting two). They've had four each, almost all of them between ds1 and dd (my sister's twins were the last, and were born three weeks after dd), has been brutal.

Wow. That is sad. I have never personally known a family to have unplanned children and then truly suffer because of it. Hopefully it is because they are still young and time will help with that. I hope, for everyone's sake!

I was just looking at FB, of pictures of my (much wealthier) friend with her 2 children. I don't know if she has plans for more . . .I think she wanted a bunch, but I am guessing her husband does not. I feel silly having so many children, when she can give hers so much more (both time and money).

There are definitely problems on both sides.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by Hey Mama!

Plus, I am struggling with transitioning from being a mom of toddlers/preschoolers to having all school aged children.

Is homeschooling a possibility for you? I think homeschooling, if it's right for your family, can help a LOT with wanting another baby. Think about it-- people usually want another baby when they are sending their children off to school, maybe in part because they MISS them. If you homeschool, you still get to see your favorite people all the time.

[Hey Mama!]

Not at the moment. We cannot survive without my income. Luckily, I work for a school so I get Christmas, spring, and summer break to spend with the kids.

[ThirdEyeMom]

"Resolve" as a metaphor

Over the holiday weekend I was thinking about this thread from beginning to end with all the unique situations it has meant for OP and all pp's. I want to echo freestyler who said, "This thread is wonderfully, deliciously, incredibly INTELLIGENT and timely. ... I, too. cannot add anything more to the collective wisdom that has been shared here". Thanks to everyone who contributed to this difficult, not-so-talked-about yearning.

We spoke of many things. Finding peace was one. Storm Bride wrote, "I think it's important to learn to accept things we can't change. ... I also think it's good to cultivate appreciation/gratitude for the good things we have in our lives." I know those things, yet I needed to hear them come from outside me. I, like kafka "kept thinking about the fence metaphor all day...:"---all weekend for me :. I went back to rethink and reexperience some emotional aspects of my life, which I rarely, rarely do because I am more analytical and thought i resolved most. I realized I had not grieved for some "lesser" things because of other overwhelming situations I had dealt with foremost that apparently overshadowed the lesser for a long time. With that, I applied all that I read and felt here to a current situation and came to new directions with that aura of personal peace with which to forge ahead--new gardens and trees, forests and fences--again the perfect analogy for seeing things anew. Best wishes to kafka and all. Thank you for inspiration, everyone! :

[Katwoman]

I've been thinking about this thread for two days. Partly because it's challenged me to "define" peace in this instance. My DH wants no more and every time I think I'm at "peace" something happens. Two weeks ago it was finding out that there will be 10 babies born at church by the end of the year. I really struggled for two days with pea green envy. I'm so happy for them and so strongly disappointed for myself.

So I think I will have to say peace with this issue does really come and go for me. But how I manage the peace is a bit of a "toolbox" - meaning my strategies vary from time to time. Here's what's in my toolbox:

My DH is a very quiet, go with the flow kind of guy. For him to speak on an issue means he means what he says. He truly feels like he can't handle any more kids. (He truly can do one thing at a time, although he does it very well. ) He's an AWESOME Dad! He's always here for the kids and me. He's not out running around being irritated that his life is being impinged upon. He's HERE all the time, fully engaged with us and our family. So when he says he feels like he can't handle any more, I believe him. He's speaking from the heart. I know that if we had another child he would adjust. But if he truly feels he's at his max for dealing with life, wouldn't his quality of life and therefore our quality of life go down if he felt like he was "underwater" with all his responsibilities.

He was truly miserable when the kids were babies. It took him years to get back on his feet - terrible PPD I swear. I like having my DH back and would hate to cycle through that again.

Some days I use denial, I'm not done having a baby therefore one will just "fall out of the sky" one day. I kid you not there are days where I know another baby is coming my way.

I look forward to taking vacations with my DH again. I look forward to grandkids that I can love on, but not have to wash the dirty diapers.

I spend time reveling in the kids I have. We hug a lot and read all wrapped up together a lot. I feel like I'm a great Mom and would be good at Mothering more children. But I also know I have limited resources, so my current kids would get less of me if there were more kids. I wouldn't want that to happen. So some days I know I'm the best Mom to the kids I have.

I know I married my DH for the total sum of who he is. The good and the bad. So while I would love the change his position on more kids - still looking for a potion - he also has taken on all the financial responsibilities of the household so that I can homeschool. Not every H does that. And I'm grateful that while we don't agree on everything, I care about him, he cares about me and we care about the kids. Not everyone gets that in life.

And some days I just feel sorry for myself.

I see what you're saying about not being ready to be out of the baby stage. I definitely feel that way. I'm not sure how I ended up with an almost 5 year old!!! When did that happen??? I think most women that love babies aren't very happy about leaving that stage. That's totally normal and you're not alone.

(This next part is going to sound preachy and I don't mean it to be.) Part of this sounds like a midlife-ish crises, you're looking at the next steps/stages of your life and feeling like it's some how the down hill slide to death or something. Now's the time to decide what you want to do for yourself. Another baby will keep you busy enough that you won't have to think about the next step, but it will always be there. You're life has just begun! Look back when you were in your 20's. The intensity, insecurity, the craziness of being an adult and trying to get your feet on the ground. (Yes, most of that is stereotyping I really don't know how you're 20's were. I do know for that most people I've talked to, they were exhausting. ) Now that you've gotten a few years under your belt and you have some experiences and some "balance", think of what you can do with it. You can use what you know about life and apply it to so many more years of fun, engaging, intellectual pursuits. The sky is the limit for you and you have the ability to make it happen. Did you read about the lady that graduated law school at 60? Did you ever want to be a topless waitress on a tropical island some where? You can't do that when you're nursing. (I'm totally tongue in cheek here.) I'm just saying think of everything you can so for yourself, your marriage, your blossoming children now that you're not having to count diapers.

I guess I better stop since I've kind of gone on and on. I just really liked your post and the other posters. They were well thought out and articulate. (Sometimes these threads are simply my spouse and I don't agree I'm divorcing so I can have more kids.) That's where they are at. I just felt like you and I are more in the same place so I wanted to give a really - apparently LONG - thoughtful answer.

[marimara]

I wanted to bump this thread instead of creating a new one because this issue is big for me right now. There was so much wisdom is these 3 pages I need to reread it.

We have one child, dd who just turned 4. Dh doesn't want anymore kids and it's killing me, killing. me. He (and We) didn't want any kids for a long time, then I had baby fever really bad 5 years ago and he agreed to have one child. I was so happy.

When dd was 1 year old, she was really high needs (actually she has always been high needs we just realized) dh wanted to get a vasectomy. Well I had been having a really rough year (or 2). Birth trauma, ppd-undiagnosed, left my career, moved across the country, trying to be a good mom, my own mom committed suicide earlier that year. All crazy stuff. That was the year dh wanted a vasectomy and I didn't argue with him. I really regret that we made that decision that year with all the bad stuff going on.

Now it's almost 5 years to the month that we started ttc dd. I am aching inside and feel that there is another child waiting to be born to me. I've been wishing for a V failure every month for about 9 months now. DH is absolutely 100% against getting a reversal. He says if we were rich he would give me all the babies I wanted but we won't have the money to put the second thru college, etc.

Part of it is my dd getting older. I get that. Another part of it is that every where I go, I see new babies, pregnant ladies, siblings, etc. It just makes my womb literally ache. I know it's nature, the desire to procreate is universal and strong. I intellectually know all the reasons why having only one child is a good idea (environmentally, financially, personally). Dh doesn't do well with babies or toddlers. He doesn't cope well with dd still when she's having a bad day.

On top of it all, this month I actually feel pregnant. If I were ttc I would says it's happening. I know I'm imagining things. I'm so over the top emotional about this right now that I can barely type this.

I'm going to reread the thread now again and think about my garden.