When parents disagree about GD.

[LabileLotus]

My husband and I have completely different ideas when it comes to discipline. I prefer using gentle discipline while he threatens spankings (and follows through). I know it has to be confusing for our son (our daughter isn't old enough to need discipline) because when mommy is home things are one way, but then when daddy comes home they are completely different.

I've tried talking to my husband about this, but his only response is typically, "Well I've seen Dave smack Fletcher in the face for doing something bad...at least I'm not doing crazy stuff like that." Dave is his brother-in-law who I have seen smack his sons in the face for doing things like biting each other. I've told him that comparing himself to Dave may make him feel great about his discipline, but it doesn't change how our son feels when he is being spanked for basically nothing really.

But nothing changes his mind. My husband and are I very much opposites and we are respectful of those differences 99% of the time-- but the spanking just doesn't sit well with me.

Have any of you dealt with this type of situation, or any advice?

[Super Glue Mommy]

Provide him with as much information as you can.

My husband is not as GD as me but hitting my child would be crossing the line. He does a pretty good job but where we differ I respect that. He knows though that if he ever hit our kids and didn't make restitution and change his ways that we would not stay married because I dont want to send the message to my children that I think its okay. I know hed get partial custody and do it anyway, but my chlildren will know I thought it was so wrong I couldnt even stay married to someone who did that. I have very strong feelings about it though so probably not the way most people think about that situation lol. I'm a nut! But the only advice I have is to 1) try to change his mind or 2) if you arent going to do anything to make him stop then accept him as different then you (which is what I do when it comes to my husband saying things or talking to the kids in ways I wish he wouldn't sometimes)

Also, if someone was hitting my kid while I was there I could cover them and they would have to hit me instead. At least thats illegal and I can get them arrested for that - but again not the direction I think you are going for hehehe

[lulu_n2]

My husband and I just had a huge discussion about this topic. In the beginning he agreed that no spanking would be best, and now he was wanting to take that back. Since he knew how upset I would be, he was acting out by yelling at DS (3 y/o) and really scaring him (and me!) I found it helpful to talk about other peoples ways of discipline, and how we both felt about their kids behavior. It kept the discussion from being overly accussational. I pointed out that the only two couples we knew who spanked, their kids usually act out more than the kids who's parents were more gentle. My other main arguments are how can we teach them not to hit, and to be gentle if we are not, second you can't spank a teenager and I want to practice other forms of discipline now, also that we needed to be on the same page as parents or our kids would see this and further drive the wedge b/t us. I also told him how much his behavior scared me, that he's a big guy with a big voice and that when he comes on strong, it's scary. This is working so far. Was your husband spanked, and what are his memories of being spanked? This has also been a good tool for me, we had this talk and now I can remind him of those negative feelings when he's feeling stressed. He remembers being spanked at 12 y/o and decided that if his dad tried it again he was going to hit back, his dad must have known, because that was the last time he was spanked.
Good luck, I have more ideas, too, but this post is getting long

[LabileLotus]

I found it helpful to talk about other peoples ways of discipline, and how we both felt about their kids behavior. It kept the discussion from being overly accussational.

I think I should try this one. I do it with the Dave situation (mentioned above) considering I've seen him smack his kids in the face and they act TERRIBLE! But I never bring up any other situations, which I think I should do. For instance our friend Christina is very gentle (even in situations that I'd have a rough time with) and her son is absolutely amazingly well behaved. Plus he looks up to Christina because she has her degree in childhood behavioral something-or-another

Was your husband spanked, and what are his memories of being spanked?

You know, this is a good question! I think he was spanked, which is kind of funny considering that he was horrible during his childhood into being a teen. He had to be shipped off to military school and got *kicked out* of military school!

Thanks!

[foreverinbluejeans]

Providing info may not help. There is plenty of info that supports spanking.

I explained to my husband how much I hated being spanked and that I didn't want that for our children. He had also grown up being hit and didn't like it.

I asked him not to hit out of respect for me. Then I learned to be a very effective parent. If we weren't going to hit I felt that was my responsibility to raise well behaved children.

The boys didn't really do things we felt like hitting them for. We divorced and their father continued to support our agreement to not hit.

I have a grandson and there is no way my son would hit him. I have broken the chain of generations of violence toward children in my family.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

My DH is like this too, he is very old fashioned and had a strict borderline abusive upbringing, they were always getting smacked for something.

I, on the other hand was raised in a gentle family and that's how I am trying to be with my boys.

They are very well behaved little guys so the discipline conflicts are few and far between but we have had the rare time my DH raised his hand to them and I was sick to my stomach

I'm glad it doesn't come up too often.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

No one hits my child or yells at him to scare him, including his father.

Our discussion about this was very brief. He was spanked and saw nothing wrong with it. I told him I would never marry someone who would strike my child and when the toddler years came and H got frustrated, I just reminded him that by choosing to spank or scream, he would be choosing to end our family.

My son is 17. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way but one thing I am very proud of is that he's never known violence or fear from his parents.

[phathui5]

I just reminded him that by choosing to spank or scream, he would be choosing to end our family.

Let's just say one followed through on this. Not only would the child lose out on having both parents at home, but the other parent would still have partial custody and then you would have no effect on how they were parenting. Wouldn't it be better to gently teach them a better way than threaten them with leaving and trying to take their child away?

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans

I have a grandson and there is no way my son would hit him. I have broken the chain of generations of violence toward children in my family.

That is AWESOME, and not easy to do. Congratulations

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

Originally Posted by phathui5

Wouldn't it be better to gently teach them a better way than threaten them with leaving and trying to take their child away?

I see both sides of it. I agree with this, but I personally would still walk away from a situation where the other person was unwilling to change. I love my husband because he is kind to me and kind to our children. I wouldn't send the message its okay to hurt the ones you love by staying married to someone who hit me or hit the kids. You make a good point that the hitting would go on, but I agree with what a previous poster said - the children need to know you don't support those actions. Some do not see spanking as a marriage deal-breaker. Some people stay married when their spouse hits them. Some people stay married when their spouse has an affair. However, there are some people who will end a marriage over some or all of those things. Some would seek counseling first, and some just draw the line there. I do agree it's best for the children to try to find a way they can have both parents together without being hurt, but I also agree that its best to send the message that you don't support anyone hurting your children. A lot of posters here shared some compelling thoughts for both sides.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

Not only would the child lose out on having both parents at home, but the other parent would still have partial custody and then you would have no effect on how they were parenting.

If I had a spouse that would hit their child knowing the consequences, that would a huge red flag to me to get out now. I'm not sure what I would do, really.

It's something we talked about before marrying and then H wanted to revisit it during toddlerhood. I talked with him about it, we brainstormed on other consequences and put some books on his nightstand. But I made it clear that this was absolutely non-negotiable. It was a deal-breaker. If I open the door to negotiating, then it's become something that might happen.

I guess I knew the man my H is well enough to know that he would respect my wishes if for no other reason than he would be devestated to loose our family.

[Elisabethc]

I'm kind of upset that most of you say that you would divorce your husband over spanking a child. To me you are saying your kids are more important then your spouse. Now, I am not saying that spanking it ok because I know it's not. However you decide with your spouse to discipline your children, you need to be on a unified front, not threaten to leave him. You both are in this together.

Now to the OP, I would sit down and let him know that it doesn't sit well and come up with some options. Talk to him about using it as a LAST resort if he still decides that it is needed. Bring up GD and say that it is effective and that you would at least like to try it out for a few months before 'spanking'. Be honest with him and see where it gets you.

[momma_unlimited]

Let me share a wonderful victory in our parenting. Just THIS WEEK, after almost two years of not seeing eye to eye, my husband has started to forego spanking and try a more compassionate approach. It's been wonderful!

Personally, I chose not to leave him over discipline differences, because I know without a shred of doubt that my spiritual path in life includes him and that our children chose him specifically to be their father and want him in their life on a daily basis. I can't speak for anyone else, but this is our reality.

So, I did a lot of praying (and asking for help from his guardian angel) and quietly establishing positive intentions for our family- working on myself, and only sharing if he asked me (if he asked me what I was reading, what I was thinking about, etc).

He finally admitted to me that he had never really felt like spanking was "natural" for him to do- but the first books and advice we were given as parents made him feel that "this is what I have to do to be a good parent"- after I read him a quote from Ramiel Nagel's book "Healing Our Children" that talks about not imposing our will on our children, rather allowing them to develop their will (within safe parameters). This seemed to be the language that spoke to him... in the right timing. So an intact happy family with a united parenting front might not happen overnight, but seems like many of life's good things time some time to manifest. Maybe our story will encourage you.

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

elisabeth, would you stay married to your husband if he hit you for not doing the dishes, making his dinner, cooking his dinner, or doing something he didn't think was good wifely behavior? some people would and some people wouldn't - but I dont see reason to be 'upset' when people didnt. same with spanking children. it's not choosing my children over my husband, I just did not fall in love with a man who would hurt children, and I would fall out of love with a man who began to do so. And if I say to him "this is important to me that you don't spank" and he did it anyway, ten he has chosen SPANKING over his wife and family. I think that would make the decision to leave easy for me. I'm not choosing my children over my husband I am simply choosing humane treatment for every member in the family. you have to keep in mind that some people feel more strongly about spanking then others. My aunt was against spanking, but she let my uncle BEAT her children and abuse her sexually because she could not bring herself to walk away. I think it has too much of an effect to wait around for years that *maybe* my husband might stop doing this. To send the message to my children that I choose my husband over them to the point I will let them be hurt to be with him. However, the Lord spoke to my heart before I ever had children and I knew I was never to let anyone hurt my children in the name of discipline - the defenseless. Without me, my husband could take care of himself, the same cannot be said for my children. Just like I would rather be asleep in bed with my husband, but my children need to nurse at night, or me to lay with them in their beds sometimes. I'm not choosing them over my husband, but yes I am more responsible for their well being then his. And he is supposed to join me in that responsibility, not work against it. Some people, like the PP, feel this is something they are supposed to live through on their path in life.

[dulce de leche]

Originally Posted by Elisabethc

I'm kind of upset that most of you say that you would divorce your husband over spanking a child. To me you are saying your kids are more important then your spouse. Now, I am not saying that spanking it ok because I know it's not. However you decide with your spouse to discipline your children, you need to be on a unified front, not threaten to leave him. You both are in this together.

Why should a mother present a united front against her children to placate a violently tantruming adult? Is that not telling them that their safety and well-being are not important enough to risk disagreement with her spouse? The children are helpless to defend or protect themselves. For the mother to go along with it reinforces the idea that this is OK.

[momma_unlimited]

If the issue is really *your child not being spanked and being treated humanely*, it would seem more effective, if you felt that strongly about it, to just shield your child and say "I am not willing to stand by as you spank my child, and you will have to forcibly and violently remove me to do it". Then dh would have to perform an act of domestic violence to get to your child and you would have grounds for legal recourse... but I dare say *most* people's husbands would not mess with a woman who went to that length.

If you divorced, left dh, etc and your state does not consider spanking grounds for not giving joint custody or unsupervised contact, your child would then be at your divorcee's mercy to spank all they wanted...

OP, it all boils down to who you are and what you believe is right for your family. Some people believe all spanking is abuse, and others feel it is can be a "less-informed, misguided" form of discipline. My experience as a child of parents who spanked is not what I would consider abusive, and I would have been devastated if my parents had separated over it- other posters have said they wish their mom would have left their father over it. It seems to be a subjective thing.

How do you feel your children are dealing with it?

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

That is exactly what I would do. Then I would talk to my husband and see if he was willing to change. If not, then that would be the end of our marriage.

I hear you that he could still continue to spank - but I WILL NOT send the message to my child that I support those actions.

Personally, I have thought for many years now that my parents should divorce and my siblings agree. Divorce is not always the worst. We were never abused. As I said before, and you seem to agree now, different things will be best for different families.

[pixiekisses]

If my dear ever raised a hand to our kids I would kick him out before he could blink. And, where we live it's not legal to hit (/spank) kids, so he wouldn't have custody.
If he threatened to do it, I would tell him to never threaten my kids with anything ever again, or he would get kicked out. (And that is not a threat, but a promise.)
Not that he would ever do such a horrible thing.
And the same goes, btw., for me. If I ever hit them, he would kick me out, and if I ever threatened them, he would tell me to never do that again or I would be out.
We have to protect our kids, they can't do it themselves, it's our job as parents.

Originally Posted by Elisabethc

I'm kind of upset that most of you say that you would divorce your husband over spanking a child. To me you are saying your kids are more important then your spouse. Now, I am not saying that spanking it ok because I know it's not. However you decide with your spouse to discipline your children, you need to be on a unified front, not threaten to leave him. You both are in this together.

If I had to choose between my kids and my dear, I would pick my kids. And he would pick the kids too if he had to choose between me and them. Of course!
And we are in it together as long as we actually act nicely, if anyone turns violent or abusive, then we're not in it together anymore.

[freestylemama]

I would be livid. This is something we talked about before getting married and having kids and we're on the same page, so thankfully this isn't an issue for us. If it was, I would talk to him, show him evidence from studies on spanking, and try counseling if that didn't work. If we did these things and my DH regularly spanked our kiddos and saw physical violence as an appropriate means of discipline, I would end the relationship. I get the point about sharing custody, but I couldn't remain partnered to someone who was violent towards children and didn't respect something I feel so strongly about. Children shouldn't fear physical harm from their parents.

[lulu_n2]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

My experience as a child of parents who spanked is not what I would consider abusive, and I would have been devastated if my parents had separated over it- other posters have said they wish their mom would have left their father over it. It seems to be a subjective thing.

I have to agree here. Divorce may be a much more traumatic event, then spanking (obviously more severe abuse would be different). I was spanked, remember being spanked, and remember the threat of spankings. I remember being spanked and not understanding what I had done, but I certainly would not have wanted my parents to divorce over it, if they had an otherwise good relationship.