3.5 yo rudeness to adults (spitting, etc.)

[SweetPotato]

Please help. My dd has always been a feisty girl, and she's also always been very shy around adults whom she doesn't know extremely well. Now the two seem to be colliding, and she's reacting to her discomfort by screaming, spitting, etc. When she's the one initiating contact she does fine, but, especially if she's already cranky, having a grown-up looking at her and talking to her can be too much (and her extreme reaction usually results in the adults persisting- and it snowballs) How can I help her cope with this sensitivity, and how can I help her understand that this reaction is not acceptable? When she was younger I was more sympathetic to her and just wanted people to leave her alone, but as she's getting older I do expect her to be able to control herself enough to not scream "I hate you, go away" and, good gracious, to not SPIT at people! We've never done time-outs, but modelling and talking don't seem to be helping. I'll also admit that I can be responsible for sometimes keeping her out past normal naptime, etc. when she seems to be playing well and everyone's having a good time- but then things can escalate quickly once she's triggered. Advice, please! I would also love to know that there are other kids like this out there, and that I didn't make her obnoxious! I need some hope!

[canadiyank]

I'd step in and block the people, "She just needs a minute to warm up. Thanks!" And then change the subject to something you and the other person have in common, like the weather. Heh. But, stepping in to block will help keep the situation from escalating.

I'm a big fan of practicing things at a neutral time, so I would practice "new people" with her. Teach her what *positive* things she can do if she's feeling overwhelmed (i.e., ask for your help, turn into your leg, grasp your hand so you'll know she needs help, etc). Then teach her how to appropriately greet new people, "Hi! I'm Grace and I'm 3," (or whatever) and shake hands (I wouldn't expect her to use this skill yet, but teach it so she knows what to do eventually).

As far as screaming and spitting in the moment, I would place a firm boundary on that. "You may *not* spit," "Use a softer voice," etc., apologize to the person if needed, and then remove her from the situation ASAP so she is able to have space to calm down. Prevention is key here, though.

[phathui5]

Well, the most obvious thing seems to be speaking up for her when you see that she wants space and people are still talking to her. Next, you'll want to work on her learning to express that herself. Teach her to say things like "I'm going to go play over there now" and "I'm ready to go" when she's feeling overwhelmed. Let her know that it's better to walk away if she needs to than to do something mean. Be firm in letting her know that you will not let her spit at people, regardless of how she's feeling.

On keeping her out: If you know that she really does need to have a regular naptime, I would take her home and do naptime. A tired kid isn't a friendly kid and you aren't helping her by letting her stay and play.

If setting her up for success, talking about the feelings, keeping the schedule, doesn't work, I would absolutely use time-out for things like spitting at people. It's absolutely unacceptable and frankly really gross. There was a three year old I used to watch and people started making sure I didn't have her before they would come over because she would spit at people, hit, etc.

[SkylarVT]

My almost four year old DD can be like this sometimes complete with the spitting. I am no GD expert by any means, but I feel like DD has the right to not converse with strangers if she is not feeling chatty. 90% of the time she loves to talk to new people, but it drives me crazy when she dooesn't want to talk and someone just keeps getting into her face. I told my daughter that she is allowed to tell people, "no thank you, I don't feel like talking right now". If the person continues to try and talk to her, I will tell them that she doesn't feel like talking and I will ask that they give her some space. I think this empowers her and we have a lot less of the spitting or yelling. If she does yell/spit, I will gently remind her that she does not have to talk, but she does need to be polite and not spit/yell. She can also whisper to me if she isn't feeling like talking and I will tell the adult for her. I do get some strange looks sometimes, but I want my daughter to feel like she is in charge of her personal space.

[babygrace]

when you sense she is not in the mood, step in and let people know she takes time to warm up. then disengage. but, at 3.5 yrs, she needs to know that her reaction (spitting, yelling) is not appropriate at all. preventing the situation is one part, the other is to enable her to modify her inappropriate reactions and learn coping skills better matched for her age.

[foreverinbluejeans]

You might try enlisting the help of other adults and role play. A 3.5 year old is old enough to do this. My son had speech and communication delays and he did things like role play in speech therapy.