Need help! Getting overly frustrated with 2yo DD

[norasmommy]

I am a SAHM to my daughter who is nearly 2.5, and recently I have found myself getting so frustrated with her behavior that I don't know what to do. I find myself saying NO way too often and never know what consequences are appropriate and/or effective for her age and stage. She is very verbal and recently has been saying "Stop it!" constantly, especially when I am trying to discipline her or ask her to stop doing something (she think it's funny), she will occasionally hit (lightly) at me or other adults which she also thinks is funny even when I tell try to explain that hitting hurts, etc.

When she does not listen to me I have been finding myself getting so anxious, frustrated, and unwilling to take her places that used to be fun outings for fear that I will lose control. I have not wanted to use time outs, but I know that I need to find some helpful consequences to set healthy limits for her whether we are at home or out in public.

Overall I love being home with her, but I do fear that if I don't find some effective ways to gently discipline things could get worse for both of us. Another issue I have some days is finding fun, creative activities to do with her that I think might also help with some of the discipline issues. I realize that some of this is just part of being 2, but any suggestions, advice, or stories would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you kindly!

[Naomi'sMommy]

My DD sounds a lot like yours.

Time outs are VERY affective for my high spirited 2 year old DD. She screams as if I've beaten her.... the neighbors must think so...

When she says "Stop it, Mommy" (which she does say a lot), I calmly say back, "you don't tell Mommy to 'stop it', it's not nice" and then I ignore it if she says it again because at that point she's just trying to get a reaction out of me.

IF she does something 'worse', like pushing over her baby brother when he's crawling (she's become pretty malicious to him lately, ARGH!), or swatting at me, I take her very firmly by the hand, look deep into her eyes, and say "You do NOT hit your baby brother" and I walk her to time out and sit her there. She screams bloody murder and I ignore her and walk into the other room. I come back after she calms down (she knows she has to stop "carrying on" before I let her up), and tell her what she did wrong and why she had to sit in time out and then make her apologize.


Sorry this was long winded, I hope it helps.

[Turquesa]

: I'm hoping and praying for some answers to this, as well. I'm in a similar bind with my 2-yr-old. The worst part about it is that I don't want to suppress her spirited personality. I just want to channel it in the right direction...

[ahimsa_in_action]

Yeah, my son (born 1/4/07) is very similar to your daughter. He especially loves smacking his daddy's nose when he's relaxing. He basically will keep doing whatever it is we don't like and laugh the entire time. We'll say, "Please stop doing that. It hurts me," in a very warm, loving tone but he'll just keep doing it. We raise our voices and speak in a stern voice, same reaction (he'll often pick up the pace, actually). It's very difficult and has caused me to almost lose control a number of times. Lately, though, I've been realizing that I can't *stop* the behavior, so the only thing I can do is take deep breaths and either remove myself and/or him from the situation or divert his attention. He's very spirited, loves life, loves having a good time...especially when he's getting attention from his parents, so I really can't blame him. Maybe he is being malicious...I feel that this will pass, though, because I know he's kind-hearted and right now he's just too little to understand fully what he's doing.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Nora's mommy, it can help to understand child development. You say she doesn't listen. It's important to be clear with your words. What I think you mean is that she doesn't obey.

You are the adult and it is your job to make sure your child obeys. Always expect more from yourself than you do from your child. Those of us who do not have other parents that are doing an effective job with gentle parenting to learn from have to learn other ways - books, college courses, classes, LLL, ect. It's great you are looking for info on this site.

Saying no to a 2 year old doesn't work because it doesn't tell the child what to do. It may stop a child from doing something - but often not. It sounds like stop isn't working either. You might try teaching her freeze and see if at first you can make a game of it. Then you can teach her freeze to use in dangerous situations.

Explaining things to most 2 year olds is pretty much a waste of time. They just aren't developed enough to understand. Hitting hurts probably means nothing. Responding in a dramatic (not violent) way may impress her.

I can think of several possible ways to handle one situation. You are at the park with your friends and your daughter hurts one of your friend's children. You could ignore your child and pick up your friend's child and tell the child how sorry you are and make sure they are ok. You could pick up your child and tell her she has to stay by you and can't play with the other children. You could scoop her up and leave. All are dramatic and all are reasonable consequences.

You could try turning your back when she laughs inappriately.

Time outs for children are almost always punishment. It's OK for you to take time outs. Daily meditation can works wonders. Once you practice deep breathing you can learn to calm youself in difficult situations. You and your daughter can learn yoga together. There are books and videos.

The book Love & Limits: Guidance Tools for Creative Parenting by Elizabeth Crary is a great little book. In it she talks about her Star Problem-Solving Process: S - Stop and focus, T - Think of ideas, A - Act effectively, R - Review, revise, reward. You can find some more info and a handout you can print at www.starparent.com

My oldest son will be 30 this year. I found one of Elizabeth Crary's early books Without Spanking or Spoiling in my group LLL library and it spaped my parenting. I was raised in an abusive, authoritarian family and knew I wanted to be nothing like my parents. I learned about child development and authoritative parenting. I met Dr. William Sears and ate lunch with him at a state LLL conference when no one (else) knew who he was and he had this new idea of attachment parenting.

I really enjoy 2 year olds. Once you learn the skills it can be really fun just about all the time!

[RasJi7]

foreverinbluejeans! Thank you for your post. I am going to try and find the 'Without Spanking or Spoiling' book and check out the star website. I am so in love with my son and afraid of spoiling (but not so much of spanking him. Can't wait to check it out.

[soxthecatrules]

Foreverinbluejeans gave you some great advice.

We're in a similar situation in our home. When I explained our situation earlier with someone on a non-MDC forum I was asked if maybe I had unrealistic expectations for a 2.5 yr old? The answer is probably yes. Really learning about what a 2-3 yr old is actually capable of might do both of us some good.

Good luck to you!!

[norasmommy]

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful replies and advice. I am definitely going to pick up those books and most of all try harder to have a sense of humor with my daughter. I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to be at home with her, but I must admit there are times when I find it difficult (especially at the end of the day!) I think trying some of those techniques and understanding that at age 2 she is only capable of understanding certain things and that she is really trying just to discover and explore the world around her will help.

I think it's been hard for me as well because I had her when I was quite young and have very few close friends with children, so I need more moms and dads to bounce ideas off of and just to let me know what I'm experiencing is "normal." Thanks again for all your input...

[bendingbirch]

One thing I would suggest is attendance at a La Leche League toddler meeting, even if your toddler is no longer nursing, because you will meet so many like-minded mothers who are going through this same stage. My local group has meetings about loving guidance all the time. Or perhaps contact the local API group in your area and see when they are doing a meeting about gentle discipline of the toddler years.
I highly recommend the Gesell Institute book, "Your Two Year Old' to help you sort out the normal development and what to realistically expect of a two year old. Two year olds have a lot of energy, are not logical, will do the same things over and over....So making sure lots of that energy gets out, consistent mealtimes and bedtimes really do help as well, saying something in a positive way once and then gently helping her follow-through with what you need, and really picking what things you choose to make a big deal out of is so important.
Take what works for you and your daughter,

[PNCTink]

I'm so glad I found this thread! This is something we're also struggling with. I have ordered both of those books, thank you!

[mom2grrls]

I agree with getting a book or finding a website where 2 y/o behavior is explained, that way you're not expecting too much from her. For her age I like the book Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso.

[kiwiva]

Originally Posted by mom2grrls

For her age I like the book Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso.

ITA. Good book.

My DD is also 2.5 and I am right there with you re: the frustration some days. I agree with the others who said knowing what is to be expected for her age is so helpful!

We haven't had much of an issue with hitting, but with those sorts of things, generally I will tell her "gentle hands." We had a case where she pushed another kid. I reminded her we don't push while attending to the other child.

I try to avoid a lot of nos because they really don't help her understand what to do. I will use "No" or "Stop" in the heat of the moment and then try to tell her what to do briefly-"water stays in the cup" rather than "don't pour water on the ottoman," for ex. Big explanations are too much at their age, I think. Seems that way when DH tries to give them to DD anyway. If she keeps trying to repeat something like the water stuff, I will suggest a water activity and get her to the sink with bubble water or whatever.

I find it most helpful to speak calmly to her (helps me not get more aggravated too) rather than to raise my voice or speak sternly to make the point. (I save serious tone for safety issues) It can help to stop a lot of power struggles to be more matter of fact. "We don't do x" and move on. That way she is being reminded of what she should/not do but not making it into some big important thing that she can grasp onto and try to fight.

Definitely helps to manage your own frustration. When you get upset, she will get more worked up every time. I go with deep breathing. Sounds trite but has an instant effect. I have also started trying to get DD to do a "deep yoga breath" when she is getting worked up. Sometimes works to calm her, sometimes is enough to distract her away from whatever she is getting upset about. And if it is one of those days where I am short on patience and she is high on button pushing then I go with messy activities-here is some playdoh, paint, soapy water in the sink, or let's make some bread or cookies or something or we go out somewhere. Breaks the cycle for us generally.

[Steady Mom]

From my experience, the ages of 2-3.5 are more difficult to handle using discipline than when children are older. I've found that the most effective thing at that age is distraction, physically removing from the situation, etc - but in a positive way and not a punishing way.

It's also very normal for children of that age to say No/Stop it and it isn't really an insult, just them trying to assert their independence. It is a normal developmental stage. So you could even ignore that/or just calmly say "No I'm not going to stop this, etc"

But she still shouldn't say it to other people or hit others w/o some consequence - like you removing her, etc.

After the age of 3.5, children can reason a lot more and it's much easier to deal with these issues. So don't give up - she isn't a tyrant and won't be like this in a few years as long as you are involved and dealing with it in some way.

I wrote a blog post recently about Letting Your Child Save Face which talks a bit about this issue if you want to take a look:

http://www.steadymom.com/2009/05/let...save-face.html

Hang in there!