I have read Unconditional Parenting now and I am trying to put it into practice - this question in specific relates to the part about teaching children to do/not do something not because it is good or bad or nice or not but to show the child how their actions affect others. My question is how to do this without guilt, without making the child feel like they are responsible for the other person's feelings/happiness?
Here is what went down yesterday - Late afternoon both DD and I are tired, she has refused to take a nap. I have a headache and I need to lay down for a while, DH is on his way home he will be there in 15 mins or so. I tell DD I need to lay down and ask her what toy she wants to me to get out for her to play with while I am laying down. She says trains, I get the trains out and spend about 5 mins setting up a big layout for her. I tell her I am going to lay down and she flips, insisting upon watching tv. I tell her no more tv, I set up the trains for you. She starts grabbing up the track, kicking it and throwing it. So instead of saying we don't throw our toys around it isn't nice, I told her how she was making me feel - "Mommy spent time setting these trains up for you and when you kick and throw them it hurts my feelings." which is true. She ends up freaking out some more and I tell her she needs to go in her room and calm down since she can't take care of her toys and I don't want them to get broken. She goes in her room and I go in mine, she calms down and comes to my room to apologize. She tells me that she is sorry she hurt my feelings and wants to play trains now to make me happy, playing trains will make mommy happy. Well.....I am glad she is recognizing my feelings, but I don't want her to feel she has to make me happy.
I feel like I am walking a fine line of teaching her empathy vs giving her a huge guilt complex. Any pointers?
Here is what went down yesterday - Late afternoon both DD and I are tired, she has refused to take a nap. I have a headache and I need to lay down for a while, DH is on his way home he will be there in 15 mins or so. I tell DD I need to lay down and ask her what toy she wants to me to get out for her to play with while I am laying down. She says trains, I get the trains out and spend about 5 mins setting up a big layout for her. I tell her I am going to lay down and she flips, insisting upon watching tv. I tell her no more tv, I set up the trains for you. She starts grabbing up the track, kicking it and throwing it. So instead of saying we don't throw our toys around it isn't nice, I told her how she was making me feel - "Mommy spent time setting these trains up for you and when you kick and throw them it hurts my feelings." which is true. She ends up freaking out some more and I tell her she needs to go in her room and calm down since she can't take care of her toys and I don't want them to get broken. She goes in her room and I go in mine, she calms down and comes to my room to apologize. She tells me that she is sorry she hurt my feelings and wants to play trains now to make me happy, playing trains will make mommy happy. Well.....I am glad she is recognizing my feelings, but I don't want her to feel she has to make me happy.
I feel like I am walking a fine line of teaching her empathy vs giving her a huge guilt complex. Any pointers?
