This is so hard

[jadedgurl]

hello everyone. I am a new mom to three little girls with my latest born over a month ago. I have dealt with mild depression since I was 13 and have had PPD with most other daughters so I pretty much expected it again this go around. But this has been the worst experience by far. I can't eat or sleep longer than 2 hours at a time which leaves me feeling drained and faint most of the day. No energy, concentration, self esteem is gone, libido is dead, guilt, you name it. I have started arguments with my husband and feel like he deserves someone better. I feel so ugly and worthless so I cry several times a day wondering if I will ever get over this feeling. I don't want to tell him for fear that he will take my kids away because I will be seen as an unfit mother. I just want this to go away. Thanks for listening to my rant. I feel better already.

[Sji]

re: Things you can do

My wife has gone through similar - though much less severe - changes after giving birth to our first daughter, only 4 1/2 months ago. I work in the field of nutrition and am very grateful that I have many resources, intellectual and physical, to draw from in order to support her needs.

What I have discovered is that there are several severe deficiencies that emerge when having children, especially now that you are on your third. First in order of priority, perhaps, is DHA, a fat essential for stabilizing mood, but which is sacrificed by the mother to her infant (especially when the diet holds low levels of these essential fats). It would be a good idea to get a good quality fish oil, right away. I would suggest Barlean's omega swirl, because it tastes good, is emulsified for rapid assimilation, and is pretty cost-effective. This will make a great difference (remember: your brain is approximately 30% DHA in weight. Since we can't produce the fact, if we don't get it from our diet, we will use less appropriate fats, e.g. omega 6 fatty acids to build up our neurological infrastructure, which does not enable us to thrive and "feel good.").

Next, your adrenal glands are probably fatigued, and since you are probably breastfeeding (hopefully), you should be on a basic, multivitamin for stress support/adrenal support. I would highly suggest using New Chapter's Prenatal Vitamin, as it is endorsed by the counsel of midwifes, and is very assimilable and bioactive, without USP isolates which are difficult for the body to recognize and perform useful work with.

In the meantime, explore Bach flower remedies. You can start with the basic "rescue remedy" for anxiety/stress, as it has near-immediate effects in some people.

Moreover, have compassion for yourself. You have performed 3 near-miraculous feats, and probably haven't had any time to take care of yourself. Good luck!

[ziggyzaazaa]

You sound like me! I am going through this crazyness as well with my family. I have two older boys and an infant daughter whom is 9 months old now. My PPD started during my pregnancy and I had never ever had symptons of depression in my lifetime. I felt like I was losing my family and it was all my fault as well. I would start fights for no reason. Laugh and cry in an instant. Everything was doomed for me.

I started getting worried and started reading up on help and I couldnt afford any treatment so I just started doing my own exercises which have helped me DRASTICALLY in 2 weeks. Im still coping but well see if I get better. FYI this forum helps too. I like to read the funny stories about babies going poo poo on thier mommies and what not and it gives me a daily laugh.

1st...I evaluated all of the chemicals and drugs that I was puting, or not putting into my body..I wasnt taking vitamins.... so I started taking them EVERYDAY... Or else. I checked the symptoms of the side effects of my new birth control. I found that maybe my birth control is causing some of the mood swings, so now when I get angry, afterwards, I think about what caused me to get angy... then I evaluate the situation and see if I can figure out what set me off. If it was something stupid or came from nowhere, then I figured it was another side effect of my birth control with my mood swings or with my PPD. If I had reason to be upset, then I realized that it was ok... everyone gets angry or depressed once in a while but it should not ruin your life everyday!

2nd, I started a journal.....I write in it everyday and document what made me sad, happy, glad, depressed. I hide it!!! Lock and key! password, however you want to do it! Meaning I put whatever I feel like putting into it without a second thought of my hubby finding it. My journal is for me and will never be read by anyone else...The reason I write it only for me is because I need to work on me and noone else, and if Im mad and want to say very mean things or have very mean thoughts, then noone else in the family gets hurt by reading it and I can be free with my feelings and let them go before I have to deal with the "family" again. Write one for yourself!! Its so stress relieving. And if you are working and you cannot concentrate it passes the time. I save mine on a jump drive so that I can remove it from any computer and it is small enough to hide.

3rd, I wrote a list of all of the goals I wanted to accomplish to be happier.

After writing my list I had some pretty wishy goals. even as bad as going on vacation LOL. Which can drain any person that is already feelign overwhelmed.

So I catergorized them....

Example: spend time with my best friend and watch one movie,
take a bath tonight, go to bed an hour earlier. etc. save 5 bucks for my desparatelly needed vacation. shop with my baby, fix my hair really pretty one day, clean one devided by 4 section of the dining room table covered with 9 months of late bills. LOL. 5 days later....My table is clean...

Well after looking at my Loooooog list I put the tasks in order and only do one at a time or whatever I could handle for the day. I do the most easiest ones I am able to do. I even put on my list "skip list for a day" That goal has already been met and I enjoyed it! After the task is met I mark it off. I keep it in my purse with me all the time. And everything is positiive goals. My hubby saw it and he thought it was wierd but nice I didnt tell him what it was for but I think he got the idea and everything he read was my positive stuff and he has been more understanding with my mood swings lately. What I didnt realize is that I wanted to do too much and wanted to accomplish too much when it was all out of my hands because I was so weak and sad and depressed and one task for me could be the hardest thing in the world to do on a "bad" day.


And last.

I look at how beautiful my family is everyday and how blessed I am to be alive and enjoying life with them. Im still working on telling hubby he is sexy everyday LOL. but its getting better. I make sure my kids hug me before I tell them to do anything that requires kid sighs.....

Im still struggling, but these things are working for me....maybe if I know they can help someone else I will feel better about that too today...

So if I make your day by reading this, you will make mine as well.

Good Luck!!!!

[K-Mom3]

First, you're not alone! Many of us have felt this way and yes, it is really hard. It just feels so awful to have thoughts and feelings that you're not used to and to see yourself acting in a way that is really unlike who you REALLY are and how you REALLY act. This is not you so you are not a bad mother. This is postpartum depression.

Seriously, girl, you need to tell someone about this. Seeing a doctor or a therapist would be great. Also, think about telling your husband that you finally know why you're acting so weird--you have an illness! A treatable illness at that. See if you can arrange for him to come with you to the doctor while someone else watches the kids. Do you think it would help if someone authoritative like a doctor told your husband that you are only acting this way because you have an illness and it is only temporary?

Like ziggyzaazaa, I have been through a lot of that and I'm doing much better. It was partly meds, partly time, partly working hard on sleep, vitamins, exercise, natural light, etc. Good luck! It can get better, I promise. But you've got to start by talking to someone about it.

[marge234]

you deserve relief! please go to a doctor asap.

With your history and feelings, and that you have 3 kids, it really makes sense for you to get professional treatment right away. You have struggled enough and deserve some relief.

This thread may be helpful
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1087186

[Anassa54]

I felt the same way, that if I admitted to feeling unfit my partner would take my kids away. He said nobody would. But then I decided to tell him, becayuse I didn't know for sure if he really would and what if I was an unfit mother? And he said I was fine. But then he took my son away. But he believes now that I won't abduct him. He says he trusted me when I said I might take him when I wanted to break up with him, and that he trusts me now when I clarified that I wouldn't never let him see him and even if I did he would still do that because he wants to be with him all the time but he trusts that I'll never take him away from him now, so I wonder if he'll drop the court thing. But why did he have to say that I was a danger to my son when he says himself that I'm not? He even said that he could have gotten my son simply by telling the court that I might "abduct" him, without lying and saying I'm dangerous to him (even though he says he never lied to them but he admits that it's true that I'm not a danger to him!) And he's not telling me why he told them that when he didn't have to. He says he will after the court stuff is over. It may never be over. And he's refusing to talk to me about it! How would telling me jeapordize his chances of winning if he already told me he knows I'm not dangerous to our son? Otherwise he would have had to lie to me so I would never find out how he planned to win the court stuff until it was too late and I had lost. Did he lie to me? He says he never lied t me. Did he lie about that?