AHH! Is this normal?

[jenkuh]

My 3 1/2 year old will sit and stair off into space, wonder around doing nothing, or lay in her bed or couch with her lovey ALL day unless I actively engage her! Sometimes she literally expects me to "play for her" while she watches!

I talk to her over and over and over again about how playing by herself is important - it helps our brain and it's fun, lets take turns instead (trying to get her to do it herself), setting timers to see if she'll play for short periods of time by herself, "you play while I work" type of a thing. It doesn't seem to matter what strategy I take, she'd prefer to sit and be dreadfully bored (or destructive) rather than play! I don't get it...

And to add to this, I asked her the other day why she doesn't play with her playfood, kitchen set, etc. and she said she doesn't like it very much. So with no intention of taking it away I asked her if she'd think she'd rather give it to a child that doesn't have many toys. She proceeded to start packing things up and take them beside our door (which is where we put things to take to our garage). I left them by the door figuring she'd change her mind but she hasn't!

Anyway, this is all driving me bonkers that she won't play - isn't that what kids are supposed to do naturally??

[deditus]

I don't know. I am the first in my family in almost 40 years to have an only child. My dd is the same way, though, or she wants to go outside to play so she can fight with our landlord's son (whom she adores). It is really annoying, especially since she we are gfcf, egg free, and corn free I have to cook everything from scratch.

[prettypixels]

Did you ask her what she'd prefer to play with? It might give you some insight. Maybe she's just not *into* the toys you have right now...?? I don't know?

[ainh]

Is she into other things...books, puzzles, arts, activity books? I was that kind of kid (an only child, female as well). Does she like playing with other kids?

[jenkuh]

She does seem like things like outside play, puzzles, books, and art way more than playing with her doll house. She has lots of baby doll stuff but will just occasionally push them around in a stroller. Sometimes change their clothes but it frustrates her when she can't get something fastened and she stops. Puzzles she likes but insists that I show her where certain pieces go or she gets frustrated and stops. Art she loves but insists that I do it with her. She'll string beads on a necklace but again, she insists that I make a necklace with her otherwise she won't do it and will stop.

Hmm... so obviously she wants more time with me. What frustrated me though, is that the minute I have to do something else (nurse the baby, load of laundry, etc.) she'll usually stop having fun and just sit and do nothing. It's so irritating to me she'd choose to have no fun at all if she can't have fun with me?

I will definitely ask her what she prefers to play with for insight today. So puzzling.

[mama_mojo]

It sounds like she has a really good way of getting your attention. Maybe you could remind her not what SHE is supposed to do, but what you will do. "I will color with you for ten minutes, then I will wash dishes. You may help." Or, "I am cleaning the bathroom, that's my job." And, for me, I would probably add something about it not being my only job to play with her. MANY mother play with their children for huge chunks of the day, but I am not one of them. However, I will include them in my work if they would like.

[LynnS6]

I have a couple of thoughts (two of which are contradictory).

The first is that when my kids are needing attention from me, it really helps if I set aside 30 minutes to just play with them every day. That 30 minutes of focused attention really does help us reconnect and for them to relax.

The other (maybe contradictory thought) is that it's OK for kids to be bored. It's not my job to entertain my kids 24/7. I will play with them. I will interact with them, but some of their most creative play has come AFTER they've whined about being bored and having nothing to do.

Finally, I'd make sure that you get outings every day. Take a long walk every morning. Go outside and play in the afternoon. Play with the for 30 minutes every day. And then if she wants to sit on the couch and stare into space, so be it.

[IntrovertExtrovert]

The way I read your post, it sounds like there are two things you want to change--you want her to be more interested in play in general, and you want her to play by herself. Is that correct?

My just-turned 3 year old loves to play. He's definitely not a sit on the couch kind of guy. I do wish he would be calmer and less frenetic sometimes! Despite his absolute love of play, he also doesn't really play by himself much yet. To the extent that the only time he voluntarily plays alone is when he's pooping.

So from that perspective, I think it would be easiest for you to focus on helping her enjoy playing, even if it means that you (or someone else) needs to play with her each time for a while. What about going to the park and meeting neighborhood kids to play with her?

[kbchavez]

you might look into sensory processing disorder. There are many different ways it can manifest, and one is kids who lay around and seem passive. It couldn't hurt (except the money) to get her evaluated by an occupational therapist. My son was crashing into people, and I got him evaluated, and it turns out he has balance problems and can't stand on one leg or jump up and down ( or won't because he feels like he might fall). His SPD is mild, but I'm still glad I looked into it when he was young and something can be done to help. it's much harder to fix later. My son is SOMETIMES passive and inactive, but when he gets overstimulated he gets wild and crashes into people and things, so even if she isn't always uninterested in play, it still may be good to check it out. You might want to check out the book, the Out of Sync child.

Good Luck!

[rockportmama]

I've been having a few of these same issues with my DS, especially after the baby was born. Sometimes I have the time and energy to sit and play with him and sometimes not. So I tell him that. And sometimes I tell him he's responsible for his own fun (Yes, there's limits to this with a three year old). And sometimes he does better when there are fewer toys. Sometimes I'll rotate out the toys he's not playing with any longer for toys he hasn't seen in a while. And sometimes nothing is as much fun for my DS as sitting in a shallow bubble bath with measuring cups and empty plastic bottles.

I'm rambling, but what I think I want to say is that it's not your responsibility to convince her to play. She's responsible for her own fun. As examples, she doesn't eat because you convince her to, but because she's hungry. She doesn't sleep because you tell her it's good for her, but because she's tired.

Another thing I try to keep in mind is that learning is always fun. What is she learning? What catches & holds her attention?

HTH!

[Just1More]

I'll add that (my dd can be like this) it's important to provide enough input to help them play. We are TV free, and quite selective about what our kids see/experience IRL. That means their pool of resources to imitate/practice in their play is fairly limited. It turns to boredom with dd and destruction with ds. I've found a few well selected youtube videos go a long way. And books about what people do. (but the watching people interact has been good for them.) (My kids do see people, of course, we're out a lot, but I mean in a more direct way.)

For example...they think candid camera is hilarious. They "get" the jokes, and are more likely to goof around with each other that way. They also enjoy amazing music things (people playing extremely well.) I showed dd a trumpet player one day and casually mentioned we had a trumpet...she literally flew out of her seat to go try it. I've shown them some olympic ice skating and gymnastics. We took them to the circus and you should have seen the tight rope walking from one dining chair to the next...

HTH

[bendingbirch]

I think some 3 and a half year olds, particularly with a baby in the house, would rather be with mom than do almost anything.
That being said, I agree with the posters who said while it is not your job to play with her 24/7, it may be important for you to show her a different way to do things and to help balance her out.
I would go back and look at what kind of rhythm you have set up to your day; sometimes kids like this need a long walk in the morning or playtime at the park in the morning in order to really be revved up enough to play. ?
Sounds like she may need that physical input to access other parts of herself.....Has she always been like this or is it recent?

If it is recent, my other thought was truly that she may be in a growth spurt and just feeling off center and tired and fatigued and not knowing what to do. I am also assuming she is healthy and not anemic or anything like that.


She also may need ideas for play; I would think about using some of those toys she doesn't seem to care about and see if I could set them up in a little scene at night so when she gets up in the morning, there is something different -- maybe instead of just "Kitchen" there is a market set up, or a tea party for the bears or whatever.

You may need to get something down and play with it yourself to show her, and if she loses interest after you are done playing with it for five or ten minutes and does not join in and you need to go do your work, that is okay, at least you have planted the seed.

The other thing I thought of is that she may need stories, little simple stories to spark her imagination, songs that kind of thing. sometimes I will sing something, or have a little circle of fingerplays and my four and half year old will not seem especially captivated but a few hours later she is playing with a dollhouse and singing all the songs to her dolls! Perhaps you could have a nursing corner with some special things that just come out for nursing and you could start with a song or fingerplay and then have something related to that in the nursing box you create. That may also help spark her play.

Sometimes I really do feel as if it is our job as a parent to be a detective a bit and help with that balance if it just persists too long..I don't know if any of that helped at all...
I have a post on my blog about fostering creative play; maybe it would help??
http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...creative-play/
and this one here: http://theparentingpassageway.com/20...creative-play/

Hope that helps,

[jenkuh]

Wow. All of these posts have been really thought provoking! I appreciate everyone's input. Hopefully I'll be able to put all these pieces together and try out all the suggestions when things return to normal after the weekend! :

Oh and to answer the question, she's always been dependent on me for play (always wants/ needs me to play with her) so this isn't just a recent thing. However the sitting and doing nothing in it's place is new and not going away... yet!