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Hmm... are we going to have a problem? - Page 3

post #41 of 44
No, you will never win. Especially when your husband is not supportive and (my impression) has incredible feelings of guilt and powerlessness that he takes out on you.

Being a stepmother, as vegasgrl said, is not for the faint of heart. You're supposed to love them, but you can't be their mother. You can't schedule extracurriculars, chaperone trips, etc etc, but you're expected to sacrifice for them anyway.

I don't think you have to love a stepchild like your own. I don't love my SS like my own children and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He has a mother. I am not that mother. I will not pretend to be that mother. And once my DH really got involved in DS's upbringing (he has always been a very involved father, but at some point really stepped up to the plate re: discipline, schoolwork, etc) I realized I didn't have to do much "parenting," if any. Your problem is that your DH wants you to be your SD's mother figure. You're not. There is no "big happy family." He's divorced.

If I were you I would disengage for a while. Make him responsible for the majority of the care and worry regarding your SD. Don't, for example, refuse to make her eggs even though you are making eggs for yourself simply because it isn't your job. But don't go out of your way to pick up your DH's slack. He needs to get his parenting straight before you can get your stepmothering straight. I think you are way too involved and taking on too much responsibility. Your SD has two parents and it isn't your fault if they aren't perfect. You do not have a responsibility to compensate for them. Your primary responsibility is to your baby girl.

Flame away.
post #42 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
No, you will never win. Especially when your husband is not supportive and (my impression) has incredible feelings of guilt and powerlessness that he takes out on you.

Being a stepmother, as vegasgrl said, is not for the faint of heart. You're supposed to love them, but you can't be their mother. You can't schedule extracurriculars, chaperone trips, etc etc, but you're expected to sacrifice for them anyway.

I don't think you have to love a stepchild like your own. I don't love my SS like my own children and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He has a mother. I am not that mother. I will not pretend to be that mother. And once my DH really got involved in DS's upbringing (he has always been a very involved father, but at some point really stepped up to the plate re: discipline, schoolwork, etc) I realized I didn't have to do much "parenting," if any. Your problem is that your DH wants you to be your SD's mother figure. You're not. There is no "big happy family." He's divorced.

If I were you I would disengage for a while. Make him responsible for the majority of the care and worry regarding your SD. Don't, for example, refuse to make her eggs even though you are making eggs for yourself simply because it isn't your job. But don't go out of your way to pick up your DH's slack. He needs to get his parenting straight before you can get your stepmothering straight. I think you are way too involved and taking on too much responsibility. Your SD has two parents and it isn't your fault if they aren't perfect. You do not have a responsibility to compensate for them. Your primary responsibility is to your baby girl.

Flame away.
Amen! (especially the bolded parts)
post #43 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post

Being a stepmother, as vegasgrl said, is not for the faint of heart. You're supposed to love them, but you can't be their mother. You can't schedule extracurriculars, chaperone trips, etc etc, but you're expected to sacrifice for them anyway.

I don't think you have to love a stepchild like your own. I don't love my SS like my own children and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He has a mother. I am not that mother. I will not pretend to be that mother. There is no "big happy family." He's divorced.

.
Why can't you chaperone trips or schedule extra-curriculars? DH(her step-dad) chaperoned Sage's Field trip to the bank, her soon to be step-mom went to muffins for moms, I am scheduling Madison for programs through summer rec.

And the back and forth about loving step-kids was not necessarily saying that you HAVE to love them like your own, but rather, it was in response to Maymommy's statement that a step-mother could never love a child like the "real mother."

Yes, my dsd has a mother, no I am not that mother, but I am the mother figure in this family and will treat all 3 of them as my children when they are with us. My dd's have a mother (me), their soon to be step-mom is not their mother, but she is the mother figure in the family unit at their dad's and I hope that she always treats them like they are her own when they are with her. The children deserve nothing less imo.

The attitude of
Quote:
There is no "big happy family." He's divorced.
seems like one that would set the kid and the two different families up for failure. Why shouldn't the child have the right to expect to live in a "big happy family" or a "small happy family"? Just becuase the bio/adoptive parents seperated, doesn't mean the child should not have the right to "happy families"

Madison has two "happy families" the 1st is Madison and her mommy, the 2nd is Madison, her daddy, me (step-mom), and her sisters (step-sisters but we do not use the designation) Maia and Sage.

Maia and Sage have two "happy families" the 1st is Maia, Sage, Me (mommy), Matty (step-dad), and their sister (step) Madison. The 2nd is Maia, Sage, their daddy, Rachel (soon to be step-mommy), and their brother (step) Mason.

I just don't understand why the adult issue of seperation/divorce, should mean that the child doesn't have the right to have "happy families"

Does a child in who enters the fostercare system because the adults in his life have problems not deserve to be part of a "happy family" when they are placed in a foster family or adoptive family?
post #44 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by Selesai View Post
No, you will never win. Especially when your husband is not supportive and (my impression) has incredible feelings of guilt and powerlessness that he takes out on you.



Your problem is that your DH wants you to be your SD's mother figure. You're not.

If I were you I would disengage for a while. Make him responsible for the majority of the care and worry regarding your SD. Don't, for example, refuse to make her eggs even though you are making eggs for yourself simply because it isn't your job. But don't go out of your way to pick up your DH's slack. He needs to get his parenting straight before you can get your stepmothering straight. I think you are way too involved and taking on too much responsibility. Your SD has two parents and it isn't your fault if they aren't perfect. You do not have a responsibility to compensate for them. Your primary responsibility is to your baby girl.

.
Now, in the OP's case, I agree with your advice because her dh seems to not want to do any of the parenting 95% of the time and then, without warning, jumps down her throat about the 5% of the time he wants to pretend to be the only one in their family to make a decision.
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