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Feeling Very Alone (and facebook stuff)

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
I hate camping. I tried it last year and I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it. : My DH loves it (although it is a new thing for him too). And my child loves it. They want to go as much as possible this summer. The thing is...both of them strongly suggest I stay home.

Now I understand that. It was obvious I didn't enjoy it last year. I guess I am a wet blanket at their party. And honestly I don't want to go camping. Unfortunately there aren't other choices for us at this point in time. We certainly can't afford to rent a camper or (my preference) a cabin/cottage. Tents are cheap. So camping it is. My personal dream is to have a little summer "house" (i.e. cottage) to spend a lot of time at. That ain't happening.

But back to this issue. I don't really mind having some time alone. I can certainly fill the time. But something about this is making me feel so empty and lost. So cut off. I'd been hinting for a couple of weeks that maybe I'd try camping again and tag along. DH wasn't overly thrilled about it. But the biggest thing was my child. My 6 year old does NOT want me to come with them. She kept making up excuses as to why I would not like it ("you'll hate it...thing of the mosquitoes!"). And if I would counteract her argument, she'd think up something else or get angry with me. When I tried asking her why she doesn't want me to come, she just skirts the issue.

They left today. At one point she thought (by the number of suitcases) that I was coming and she got upset. When they drove away I started to cry. I feel so alone. I can't believe my own kid doesn't want me already. Its not even really the fact that they're basically planning to spend a ton of time away from me this summer. It is mainly the fact that she doesn't want her mama.

Oh, and as for facebook....it seems like everyone of my facebook friends has this glorious life and a loving happy family. I should really stay off facebook. It depresses me.
post #2 of 19
Your six year old may have just been keeping her defenses up by saying she didn't want you to go, or she may have just been thrilled by the idea of some Daddy Time. But it would make me sad, too.

I can assure you that looking at other people's profiles on FB will only make it worse. Just hide the people with the wonderful lives from your newsfeed for a while. And have some wine.
post #3 of 19
It seems to me that she is being protective of her alone time with Dad. It does hurt a little when they start to do that and it does feel odd to be alone but I encourage you to come with somethings you like to do on your own.

I found that trying to stick to my regular schedule made me notice their absence even more, so I came up with a routine that was only for when they were away together.

Best of luck to you!
post #4 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
I found that trying to stick to my regular schedule made me notice their absence even more, Best of luck to you!
Okay, yes maybe that's it. I am never (ever) alone with a bunch of free time. Evenings are always about an activity (library, park), snacks, a bath, books, bedtime. So sitting here for hours in a quiet, empty house feels very weird indeed. Not "bad"....because I do love the opportunity to actually read a book or have a bath or just chill out. But I'm seeing that so much of my life is tied into mothering that when she is gone and not in need of mothering, I feel alone. But also, I suppose I really like being needed/wanted. Seeing that she neither needs nor wants me is rather crushing.
post #5 of 19
I like being needed/wanted too but it is important for children to feel secure in both of their parents care, perhaps even in someone elses care.

It's a long road from when they count on us to survive to heading out on their own and these little steps are so important. It's normal to feel how you are but be proud of your girl, too. And of her Dad, who has forged such a good relationship with her.

Take good care of yourself, just as you would your daughter. It's so strange at first but it'll come
post #6 of 19
Just had to add that, I don't know about you, but I try to make myself look pretty good on Facebook! I think it might be a little hasty to assume everyone has a "better" life...money, jobs, etc aren't what bring happiness. They're probably struggling, too, in their own way...they just aren't putting the crappy stuff out there for everyone to read!
post #7 of 19
I want to tell you that when I am low fb makes me feel so much worse. I almost unfriended someone over what I now know is nothing yesterday. Today: my period came.

The other thing I'd like to say is it is a good thing to tell your family how you are feeling! When your daughter says something that makes you sad, tell her how you are feeling (informatively not blamefully.) You may feel a lot better, and it will help her become more empathic as she matures.

Hugs to you!
post #8 of 19
Well this is a chance for you to really think about why this is bothering you...You know why your 6yo doesn't want you to go. You don't like camping. You clearly didn't have fun last year. Enjoy the time at home and let them have fun camping.

And most people don't put life's problems out there on fb....so remember that as well. But honestly, some people are just doing well right now and are happy. I hope you can find out what you want and feel settled with the camping issue and get to a place in yourself where you are happy for others as well.

My dd1 is 7yo and I see a clear shift away form me as well...her focus is more about other kids lately. I know it can be hard to see our kids transition into more independent phases.
post #9 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary-Beth View Post
My dd1 is 7yo and I see a clear shift away form me as well...her focus is more about other kids lately. I know it can be hard to see our kids transition into more independent phases.
Every time someone says something like this to me, they always have little ones also. My friends (with 6 year olds) also have younger children. So I assume it isn't quite as hard to let go when you have other little ones who need you. I'm sure I wouldn't feel the loss so acutely if my arms were also full with a nursing toddler, etc. And by the time the last child is growing up, I assume most people are getting rather tired.

(Okay, not sure what that little vent was about. I suppose I just don't think anyone feels the same way I do when they still have more babies. I'm just really bitter about my entire life....ignore me.)
post #10 of 19
My son is an only child. I do think it's at least a bit more difficult to go through all of these things only once, with no other child-related distractions.
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenheart View Post
I hate camping. I tried it last year and I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it. : My DH loves it (although it is a new thing for him too). And my child loves it. They want to go as much as possible this summer. The thing is...both of them strongly suggest I stay home.

Now I understand that. It was obvious I didn't enjoy it last year. I guess I am a wet blanket at their party. And honestly I don't want to go camping. Unfortunately there aren't other choices for us at this point in time. We certainly can't afford to rent a camper or (my preference) a cabin/cottage. Tents are cheap. So camping it is. My personal dream is to have a little summer "house" (i.e. cottage) to spend a lot of time at. That ain't happening.

But back to this issue. I don't really mind having some time alone. I can certainly fill the time. But something about this is making me feel so empty and lost. So cut off. I'd been hinting for a couple of weeks that maybe I'd try camping again and tag along. DH wasn't overly thrilled about it. But the biggest thing was my child. My 6 year old does NOT want me to come with them. She kept making up excuses as to why I would not like it ("you'll hate it...thing of the mosquitoes!"). And if I would counteract her argument, she'd think up something else or get angry with me. When I tried asking her why she doesn't want me to come, she just skirts the issue.

They left today. At one point she thought (by the number of suitcases) that I was coming and she got upset. When they drove away I started to cry. I feel so alone. I can't believe my own kid doesn't want me already. Its not even really the fact that they're basically planning to spend a ton of time away from me this summer. It is mainly the fact that she doesn't want her mama.

Oh, and as for facebook....it seems like everyone of my facebook friends has this glorious life and a loving happy family. I should really stay off facebook. It depresses me.
Ah, ignore facebook. It is just an electronic scrapbook page. It does not reflect life, relationships, etc.

If you want to go...then go. I would join them and make it fun. Surprise them this weekend and take fixings for smores! And sing songs around the campfire with her.

I would ask your daughter more questions about what they do and what she likes to do when camping. Then ask her why she does not want you to come? Create a dialogue with her about it.

Suitcases to camp? What type of camping do they do?

Go camping with your family! Do not back off from what you want.
post #12 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary-Beth View Post
Well this is a chance for you to really think about why this is bothering you...You know why your 6yo doesn't want you to go. You don't like camping. You clearly didn't have fun last year. Enjoy the time at home and let them have fun camping.
This.

My DH is kind of a homebody. Doesn't like crowds. Has trouble making general chit-chat with people unless they have a lot in common.

When we are invited to cook-outs and such that involve a lot of people he doesn't know or is not close to, he stays home. He doesn't enjoy himself at these events, and although he doesn't play the martyr, I KNOW he's not enjoying himself, which makes it difficult for me to enjoy myself.

So, the kids and I will go and he'll hang out at home or go do something with his nerdy friends. It's a win-win situation.

Your daughter most likely can't have fun when she knows her mother is miserable. That's why she didn't want you to go.
post #13 of 19
I agree with the others-- ignore the FB stuff (frankly, I like hearing good news, but I appreciate when people are funny far more). Skip the trip and enjoy yourself at home UNLESS you think you think maybe you want to give it another try.

HOWEVER, I'd also plan some family fun for something YOU like to do. They will still go camping, but you plan something that at least you and your DC enjoy.
post #14 of 19
Plan something fun for you and your DD to do when she gets back. Don't feel bad you don't like camping!!! Though I know it's more your DD reaction. Try not to take it personal. Your daughter obviously knows you don't like camping. Maybe she just wants fun "Dad" time? Maybe you could do some things you don't get to do when your DD is home (or things she doesn't enjoy)?

As for facebook. I'm willing to bet 1/2 the "happy family" pics are a facade..Everyone has problems but most people smile when there is a camera around, yk? Plus they aren't going to post the crap photos either!
post #15 of 19
It's fine to vent...and look at what is going on and figure out a way to feel connected again.
There are lots of ideas-- go to or rent a movie, family game night, or you could possibly even build a fire pit in your yard and sit around roasting marshmallows and telling stories and then sleep in your own beds.

By the way, please notice I didn't say I felt the same as you or even I know how you feel. I said, I know it can be hard.
post #16 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carolyn R View Post
Just had to add that, I don't know about you, but I try to make myself look pretty good on Facebook! I think it might be a little hasty to assume everyone has a "better" life...money, jobs, etc aren't what bring happiness. They're probably struggling, too, in their own way...they just aren't putting the crappy stuff out there for everyone to read!
ita my fb is my relaxation place i only put things of interest (e.g. vax articles) and positive status remarks on it. I guess someone could assume my life is amazing, but I don't want to rehash an annoying day on there. I already lived through it one time haha
post #17 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hotmamacita View Post
Suitcases to camp? What type of camping do they do?
I don't know....they have suitcases for their clothes, which they leave in the truck. I don't know how camping is "supposed" to work, but DH brings a LOT of stuff (as in, it takes forever to pack up the truck). Maybe it is called "car camping"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post
Try not to take it personal. Your daughter obviously knows you don't like camping. Maybe she just wants fun "Dad" time? Maybe you could do some things you don't get to do when your DD is home (or things she doesn't enjoy)?
Yes, I know (logically) that she probably just wants dad-time. I know this is about [U]meU], not her. I also know the issue (I don't get any more kids, so I'm holding on too tight and I'm feeling rejected by her). I need to get a grip.

I'm also upset because we only have 1 vehicle and I was supposed to rent a car, but (very long story short) due to various circumstances it ended up being too expensive so I'm stuck at home all weekend with nothing fun to do. I guess I should clean the house and watch some movies (I'll go for a walk too...always makes me feel better).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary-Beth View Post
By the way, please notice I didn't say I felt the same as you or even I know how you feel. I said, I know it can be hard.
Sorry, I didn't mean to vent at you Mary-Beth. This just comes from feeling like there are very few people who are in the same boat as me. Literally EVERYONE I know around here has more than 1 child. Even one of my best friends (who has a child the same age as mine)....we were sort of "in it together" because she couldn't have a 2nd child. But then she got pregnant at 40. Suddenly (of course) the focus went to her new baby. The 6 year old is allowed to do so much more than previously. Hard to explain without a lot of background, but basically she used to be very AP with him, very involved, etc. Now that she has a 2nd child, she is much more hands-off and lets him spend lots of time at the neighbor's, etc. I totally understand why, but for some reason I just feel left behind and lonely. Plus now her kid is more "worldly" than mine (jeez, I'm not explaining this right...I sound like a nutcase), and the two of them aren't meshing as well.
post #18 of 19
I know it isn't this simple.. but I was really unhappy with my life a few months back. I realized only I can make me happy and I resolved to do it. I have been writing and keeping myself in check on it and it is going reay well.

Anyway, go out and stock up on your fave munchies and beverages. Catch up on some reading, crafting, whatever makes you happy or whatever is a part of your identity that gets neglected now that you are a mom. That's what I would do.

Also maybe plan a girls outing for when she gets back something dad wouldn't want to do. That way she has something special with each of you.

I really hope you feel better soon.
post #19 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenheart View Post
I hate camping. I tried it last year and I'm sorry, but I just can't stand it. : My DH loves it (although it is a new thing for him too). And my child loves it. They want to go as much as possible this summer. The thing is...both of them strongly suggest I stay home.

Now I understand that. It was obvious I didn't enjoy it last year. I guess I am a wet blanket at their party. And honestly I don't want to go camping. Unfortunately there aren't other choices for us at this point in time. We certainly can't afford to rent a camper or (my preference) a cabin/cottage. Tents are cheap. So camping it is. My personal dream is to have a little summer "house" (i.e. cottage) to spend a lot of time at. That ain't happening.

But back to this issue. I don't really mind having some time alone. I can certainly fill the time. But something about this is making me feel so empty and lost. So cut off. I'd been hinting for a couple of weeks that maybe I'd try camping again and tag along. DH wasn't overly thrilled about it. But the biggest thing was my child. My 6 year old does NOT want me to come with them. She kept making up excuses as to why I would not like it ("you'll hate it...thing of the mosquitoes!"). And if I would counteract her argument, she'd think up something else or get angry with me. When I tried asking her why she doesn't want me to come, she just skirts the issue.

They left today. At one point she thought (by the number of suitcases) that I was coming and she got upset. When they drove away I started to cry. I feel so alone. I can't believe my own kid doesn't want me already. Its not even really the fact that they're basically planning to spend a ton of time away from me this summer. It is mainly the fact that she doesn't want her mama.

Oh, and as for facebook....it seems like everyone of my facebook friends has this glorious life and a loving happy family. I should really stay off facebook. It depresses me.

awww well recreational companionship is a HUGE need for me so I know how you feel. I think some people might overanalyze your post. But for me not doing things with my family, even if agreed upon or impossible, is a huge blow.

I am not one who can sit alone for a long time, knitting or reading a book. In fact, my favourite thing to do is read a book with another person. That's how much I love company.

Not partying mind you...but company.


Maybe stop by the local mall and people watch with a snack?
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