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DD's saw something they should not have - Page 2

post #21 of 81
My daughter was looking up information on Bearded Dragons. Guess what popped up? She didn't say anything to me but got curious and kept on looking. It was devastating to me but I think I handled it well. No shaming at all. I told her about the magazines my cousin showed us that belonged to his dad. Then I had to do some explaining on what she saw. That was hard but I kept cool and calm. I then bought
"It's Perfectly Normal
Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex & Sexual Health"
It has been fun for us to read it together.
I updated the protection on my computer to avoid this situation again. I had the parent controls on but I did not know that the windows parent controls do not work with Mozilla.
post #22 of 81
my dd recently saw the CD cover of my porn movie. told her not meant for her. not until she is in high school. she made big eyes and said in a conspirital tone, 'mom i saw the penis and boobies.' then we went into what porn was - all the whys and whats and told her why i disliked usual porn coz of the way they treat women. blah. blah blah. seems like curiosity for her. wasnt affected.

i am not against porn myself. an addiction yes - is bad. not otherwise.
post #23 of 81
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post #24 of 81
Quote:
I don't know about the rest of the married women in the world, but this sounds like a dictatorial and impractical solution...Not really something a wife ought to say to a husband...
H and I talk about everything. For reasons I won't get into here, it's important to me that my home be a safe space and that includes no porn. H is respectful of that and I appreciate it.

I'm not clear why it would be "impractical" unless a person had an addiction to porn.
post #25 of 81
Coming from a parent of older kids....

I know there's a world of difference between a 6yo viewing porn and a 16yo viewing porn, whether it's accidental or not.

But believe me, if kids want to look at it, they'll find a way. Computer-savvy teens know how to get around filters and parental controls. Don't be fooled into thinking that things are "safe" just because you have extra software on there.

It took me quite some time to figure out that my son had installed keylogging software on his computer. Because of that, he was able to get the passwords for the parental control settings and sneak around them.

Additionally, the marketers of porn sites are quite adept in figuring out how to avoid the pop-up blockers and control settings. An innocent web search can turn up graphic stuff, even with filters. And unless you plan to hit EVERY search engine site and set them to "safe search" (nearly impossible to do), or block them all (rendering the Internet virtually useless for research purposes), your kid is likely to see some off-color stuff at some point.

As for comparing online porn to Playboys and Penthouses back in the 70's or 80's....apples and oranges. That's like comparing the Sunday funnies to a full-length feature film.
post #26 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post
Or you could just say, "No porn in the house with small children." Seems like the easiest answer to me.

My husband was exposed to porn at a young age and it had a lasting negative effect on him through adolescense. I'd be horrified if my young kids were exposed to something like that. How sad.
A lot of kids walk in on their parents having sex and I don't think it is a good idea to have a no sex rule in the house so the no porn rule doesn't make a lot of sense either. My dd did this to me and my ex when she was two, she had just fallen asleep and we thought she would be asleep for a couple hours but she wasn't. We were a loving couple then and stopping all sex just because of one little incident would not have made sense. It sounds like the OP and her husband have been taking reasonable steps to stop their access to this stuff and when they got access anyways the OP talked them through it. I think she did the right thing and her and her dh shouldn't have to stop having things that are enjoyable to them in their lives.
post #27 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
I'm not clear why it would be "impractical" unless a person had an addiction to porn.
The other poster wasn't saying that it's impractical to keep porn out of the house.

She was saying that it was impractical to boss your spouse around like he's three years old. Not to mention degrading.

If you and your DH agree that porn will remain out of your home, then that's a non-issue. Some other people don't have problems with porn in their marriages. Porn does not make me or my DH feel unsafe.

DH and I respect each other and talk about things that bother us, and find mutually agreeable solutions. That is a world of difference from "putting your foot down." If your partner is so disrespectful of you (general "you") that he or she does not care how something makes you feel, then there are bigger issues than having porn in the house. We do not tell each other what to do.
post #28 of 81
Quote:
Don't make a big deal about it. At their age... it went over their heads.
Don't be so sure I was first "introduced" to porn at an age younger than this and it greatly affect me throught my entire life. Here porn is not allowed DD actually has her own browser with safe sites already bookmarked for her (she is 6.5). DH and I are fully on the same page over this thugh.

Deanna
post #29 of 81
Quote:
But, when I was 6, I found a Penthouse magazine in the woods. At age 6, I was a fairly good reader. I not only looked through it, but I read all the stories.

And then I started asking my mom what some of the words meant.
I could have written these exact words. Just to offer another perspective, though, in my case the experience was damaging and caused me lasting harm. I bring this up only to highlight that we all react to these things differently. I guess the scary bit is not knowing how your kiddo will react/feel/process.

I guess I'm not sure what the issue is for the OP? If porn is acceptable and healthy (as much so as walking in on parents), what's the problem? Is it that they are young? If so, I'd let them know you are available to answer their questions and leave it at that.

ETA:

Quote:
this was something grown ups did when they were in a happy, loving relationship
Actually, in this particular instance what they saw was not grown ups in happy, loving relationships. They saw people getting paid to be naked/have sex. Again, not sure how much detail you want to go into with them or what you'd like to accomplish, but thought I'd put this out there for clarity's sake.
post #30 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by One_Girl View Post
A lot of kids walk in on their parents having sex and I don't think it is a good idea to have a no sex rule in the house so the no porn rule doesn't make a lot of sense either.
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.
post #31 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quickbeam View Post
I could have written these exact words. Just to offer another perspective, though, in my case the experience was damaging and caused me lasting harm. I bring this up only to highlight that we all react to these things differently. I guess the scary bit is not knowing how your kiddo will react/feel/process.

I guess I'm not sure what the issue is for the OP? If porn is acceptable and healthy (as much so as walking in on parents), what's the problem? Is it that they are young? If so, I'd let them know you are available to answer their questions and leave it at that.

ETA:



Actually, in this particular instance what they saw was not grown ups in happy, loving relationships. They saw people getting paid to be naked/have sex.
I would imagine the issue is that they are young. There are many things we do as adults that would not be appropriate for kids. It isn't fair to imply that if the op is okay with porn then she should be okay with her kids seeing it.
post #32 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.
not all porn is like that.

OP do you know what exactly they saw? Was it pretty vanilla or was it more hardcore? How graphic? Because there are so many things out there...some I think a kid would forget about pretty quickly, but there is also quite a bit of brain staining stuff too.

I walked in on my parents doing the deed when I was 5...and the image is SEARED into my brain. I honestly would have rather found porn, but that's just me.
post #33 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.
Yeah the difference seems clear to me too.

DH is actually the one who said "no porn" to me (not that I disagree; he is just the one who brought it up).

He was introduced to porn at a young age and feels it hurt him deeply.
post #34 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.
What you view as a big deal is your personal choice. I don't see a big deal with porn and I would really rather my dd had seen porn than me and her father having sex and now that she is six, I can truly say that I would rather have her see porn than me having sex with someone, I also take better safeguards to keep her from seeing either. There is an ick factor in seeing parents having sex that isn't there for me when I think about porn. I would have been less humiliated and felt less guilt if she had seen porn instead.
post #35 of 81
Quote:
It isn't fair to imply that if the op is okay with porn then she should be okay with her kids seeing it.
Did I imply that? I don't think I did. There has been discussion on the thread about what's normal and healthy and what's not, so I am suggesting that she decide how she wants to approach that line in this instance. There seems to be some ambivalence in the original post.
post #36 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by One_Girl View Post
What you view as a big deal is your personal choice. I don't see a big deal with porn and I would really rather my dd had seen porn than me and her father having sex and now that she is six, I can truly say that I would rather have her see porn than me having sex with someone, I also take better safeguards to keep her from seeing either. There is an ick factor in seeing parents having sex that isn't there for me when I think about porn. I would have been less humiliated and felt less guilt if she had seen porn instead.
I guess I feel exactly the opposite.

It's not that I want my kid to see me having sex... but I do want her to know that sex is something loving couples do. Not something they watch films of other people doing. Because it's really not even the same thing... accidentally glimpsing two normal everyday people on top of each other, vs. brightly lit close-ups of body parts.

I have seen a lot of porn and it's true that it's not all a bunch of girls getting it six ways to Sunday from a bunch of guys. That's the mild stuff. Some of it is much, much worse. And the text on some of these websites talks about women in a very degrading way, with captions that leave no doubt as to the nature of what is being depicted.

But, you know, as an adult, whatever floats your boat. What I have a problem with is the idea that since porn is OK for adults, it's their right to have it in the home without security and the onus is on the child to avoid it.
post #37 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by One_Girl View Post
What you view as a big deal is your personal choice. I don't see a big deal with porn and I would really rather my dd had seen porn than me and her father having sex and now that she is six, I can truly say that I would rather have her see porn than me having sex with someone, I also take better safeguards to keep her from seeing either. There is an ick factor in seeing parents having sex that isn't there for me when I think about porn. I would have been less humiliated and felt less guilt if she had seen porn instead.
really?

Quote:
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way."
my feelings exactly.
post #38 of 81
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dubfam View Post
not all porn is like that.

OP do you know what exactly they saw? Was it pretty vanilla or was it more hardcore? How graphic? Because there are so many things out there...some I think a kid would forget about pretty quickly, but there is also quite a bit of brain staining stuff too.

I walked in on my parents doing the deed when I was 5...and the image is SEARED into my brain. I honestly would have rather found porn, but that's just me.
I went to the page. Most of it was breasts, or women bent over.. no actual penetration that I saw. It definitely wasn't bondage or anything like that.

There were no closeups. Actually, you could not see much of anything because they wanted you to buy it first.

My children have witnessed many birth videos (obviously not the same, but closeups of the birth), and I never block the "shape of a mother" website, they have looked at it at times when I have. It's no big deal for them to see that site (breasts, post baby bellies). So, they have seen normal women's naked bodies in a non-sexual way and think nothing of it. I hope for now they lump this into that category.

When I first wrote that post, I was freaking out because I did not know how much they had seen, etc. Now I'm more calm. Again, I'm okay with porn in general - not okay with my kids being exposed to sexual activity.

Quote:
What I have a problem with is the idea that since porn is OK for adults, it's their right to have it in the home without security and the onus is on the child to avoid it
As for not having security... this is a password protected, private computer, which is kept in a usually locked room. DH made a mistake by leaving the computer for a few minutes.

Our family computer is in the living room, with parental blocks.
post #39 of 81
I think you handled it well, OP. This thread brought back memories, though. Once, I was babysitting my cousins (we're talking 18 years ago) and while I was there they found their dad's porn magazine collection - and it was some nasty hardcore stuff. I guess I wasn't supervising them very well. They showed it to me and I was mortified! Mostly because I knew I'd have to explain what they found when my aunt came home. She had a talk with them, explaining that it wasn't real or something...I don't remember her exact words.

So like other posters have mentioned, even before the dawn of the internet, stuff like this happened.
post #40 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amylcd View Post
I went to the page. Most of it was breasts, or women bent over.. no actual penetration that I saw. It definitely wasn't bondage or anything like that.

There were no closeups. Actually, you could not see much of anything because they wanted you to buy it first.

My children have witnessed many birth videos (obviously not the same, but closeups of the birth), and I never block the "shape of a mother" website, they have looked at it at times when I have. It's no big deal for them to see that site (breasts, post baby bellies). So, they have seen normal women's naked bodies in a non-sexual way and think nothing of it. I hope for now they lump this into that category.

When I first wrote that post, I was freaking out because I did not know how much they had seen, etc. Now I'm more calm. Again, I'm okay with porn in general - not okay with my kids being exposed to sexual activity.



As for not having security... this is a password protected, private computer, which is kept in a usually locked room. DH made a mistake by leaving the computer for a few minutes.

Our family computer is in the living room, with parental blocks.
OP, I think you dealt with the situation well. You can't erase what happened, but it sounds like you are going to do what needs to be done to try to make sure it doesn't happen again.
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