or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › DD's saw something they should not have
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

DD's saw something they should not have - Page 3

post #41 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh View Post
I had the parent controls on but I did not know that the windows parent controls do not work with Mozilla.
Is that true? We have windows vista parental controls and use firefox, and we have a very curious ten year old.
post #42 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
It's not that I want my kid to see me having sex... but I do want her to know that sex is something loving couples do. Not something they watch films of other people doing.
Except that....that's not true.

It's both. Loving couples have sex. Sex is something done out of love. Sometimes sex is something people do out of biological urges and love isn't involved at all. People have been watching each other have sex for millenia.

I find it interesting that you say that sex is "not something to watch other people doing," yet later in your post you say you've looked at a lot of porn.

Obviously, sex is something that people watch other people doing. And you've done it yourself.
post #43 of 81
OP, I'm glad you're feeling calm now. Whatever our differing views on porn may be, I understand concerns about what children see and when and in what context. Glad you were able to figure out what they saw so you know what you're/they're dealing with.
post #44 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post

I guess I just don't *get* making it 'safer' for your husband to get off on a bunch of other women. As long as your kids don't see it, it doesn't effect your family....oh yeah...unless your kids see it.

Some things you can't 'unsee'. Seeing porn at a young impressionable age can have lasting effects JUST like sexual abuse can. Not something I'm willing (or my husband is willing) to risk with kids in our house.

Forsaking ALL others for us really means forsaking ALL OTHERS.
:

Quote:
She was saying that it was impractical to boss your spouse around like he's three years old. Not to mention degrading.
Oh my goodness, it's degrading to have a no porn rule? Of all words to use
post #45 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xy View Post
Except that....that's not true.

It's both. Loving couples have sex. Sex is something done out of love. Sometimes sex is something people do out of biological urges and love isn't involved at all. People have been watching each other have sex for millenia.

I find it interesting that you say that sex is "not something to watch other people doing," yet later in your post you say you've looked at a lot of porn.

Obviously, sex is something that people watch other people doing. And you've done it yourself.
I see your point, but I reject an automatic, unthinking equivalence between actual sex with a willing partner, and watching porn, so it's like if you want your kid to be comfortable and open about the one, you have no right to object to the other. There's a difference between the ideals we teach to our children and some of what we experience as adults. I don't think it makes me a dishonest or hypocritical person if I don't want to hit them with the nitty-gritty of everything right off the bat.

I believe that most women who appear in porn are being exploited. Even though some may not be, the viewer has no way of knowing whether you are actually paying to watch somebody be raped in any particular instance. Even if they act like they like it, that may just be what they have to do to survive. Especially with the world wide web, it is more likely than not that the porn is being filmed in locales that have very little controls against human trafficking.

And of course, porn is used to exploit women on the user end too. False expectations of what our bodies should look like. Pressure to do weird or uncomfortable things that boys and men have learned about from the increasingly bizarre porn that is out there. Or even just watching it even though you don't want to, because you don't want to seem like a prude.
I would be careful before accusing a woman who doesn't like porn of hypocrisy just because she's seen it herself. Often the women who've seen the most of it are the ones who are in the best position to judge its true nature. I think a lot of women out there are in denial about the nature of contemporary internet porn, because it's easier to be tolerant from a standpoint of ignorance is bliss. Like someone else said, it's not just Playboy photo spreads anymore.
post #46 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I see your point, but I reject an automatic, unthinking equivalence between actual sex with a willing partner, and watching porn, so it's like if you want your kid to be comfortable and open about the one, you have no right to object to the other. There's a difference between the ideals we teach to our children and some of what we experience as adults. I don't think it makes me a dishonest or hypocritical person if I don't want to hit them with the nitty-gritty of everything right off the bat.

I believe that most women who appear in porn are being exploited. Even though some may not be, the viewer has no way of knowing whether you are actually paying to watch somebody be raped in any particular instance. Even if they act like they like it, that may just be what they have to do to survive. Especially with the world wide web, it is more likely than not that the porn is being filmed in locales that have very little controls against human trafficking.

And of course, porn is used to exploit women on the user end too. False expectations of what our bodies should look like. Pressure to do weird or uncomfortable things that boys and men have learned about from the increasingly bizarre porn that is out there. Or even just watching it even though you don't want to, because you don't want to seem like a prude.
I would be careful before accusing a woman who doesn't like porn of hypocrisy just because she's seen it herself. Often the women who've seen the most of it are the ones who are in the best position to judge its true nature. I think a lot of women out there are in denial about the nature of contemporary internet porn, because it's easier to be tolerant from a standpoint of ignorance is bliss. Like someone else said, it's not just Playboy photo spreads anymore.
:

This is exactly how I feel about it too.

OP, it sounds like you handled your situation well and you and your DH usually take really good precautions to make sure your little ones don't see porn. I doubt they'll have any lasting damage, especially if you're sure to let them know that they can always come to you with any questions or concerns about what they've seen or heard.
post #47 of 81
Regardless of everyone else's view of porn, I think you handled the entire situation really well mama! My best friend (when I was about 8) found her brother's porn magazines and we spent an entire sleepover reading them.

I'm pretty danged normal. I mean, I *do* hang out at MDC, but otherwise I'm normal, ykwim?
post #48 of 81
I think you handled it great (given the circumstances). No shaming, punishments, etc. They're too young to hear the truth about porn and how it's a, "marketing device for sex trafficking: it normalizes degradation and violence as acceptable and even inevitable parts of sex, and uses the bodies of real women and children as objects.- Steinem 2006" I wish more women would stand up and reject the sex industry completely, for how can any of us be really sure if those women are trafficked into the industry from another country or hell our own country, or stuck there to support a drug habit.

Steer your husband towards Robert Jensen's site. He might find value in another man's intelligent, critical thinking, from experience.

I appreciate this discussion, because although my kids will never find those type of images in their own home, they will (I'm sure) stumble upon them in this increasingly sexually objectified world we live in and I have yet to figure out how I'll handle it. So good topic to discuss
post #49 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by marisa724 View Post

As a former public librarian, I can also vouch for the fact that having computers connected to the internet at all makes you vulnerable for having porn pop up. One of the great examples I learned back in library school (about 10 years ago) was whitehouse.com -- now it's a legit site, but back then it was owned by a porn company. Someone who didn't realize that they needed .gov to get to the official White House website would get an eyeful instead of info on our president.


This made me smile big! Being young (I am 21!) I am one of those kids who, with my siblings, happened to stumble across this site thanks to the .gov/.com issue.... and I have to say, we were not harmed at all, but our curiosity definitely took over and we explored the site for sometime... we giggled and to this day I can not remember anything I saw, but I can remember us giggling and continuing to click!

I would not fret over my kids finding it.... actually, I think you did a wonderful job of explaining it to your little ones ... even as embarrassed or shocked as you were!
post #50 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I dunno. It seems like some of us see a difference between "kid knowing that mommy and daddy do it" and "kid knowing that daddy likes to watch pictures of strange young women having it done to them, by a bunch of different guys, in every possible way." YMMV.
I agree BIG difference. I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are totally anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......
post #51 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I guess I feel exactly the opposite.

It's not that I want my kid to see me having sex... but I do want her to know that sex is something loving couples do. Not something they watch films of other people doing. Because it's really not even the same thing... accidentally glimpsing two normal everyday people on top of each other, vs. brightly lit close-ups of body parts.

I have seen a lot of porn and it's true that it's not all a bunch of girls getting it six ways to Sunday from a bunch of guys. That's the mild stuff. Some of it is much, much worse. And the text on some of these websites talks about women in a very degrading way, with captions that leave no doubt as to the nature of what is being depicted.

But, you know, as an adult, whatever floats your boat. What I have a problem with is the idea that since porn is OK for adults, it's their right to have it in the home without security and the onus is on the child to avoid it.
It sounds like they did have a lot of controls set up and the children accidently got a glimpse of porn anyways. I think a porn discussion site where you can debate your views on porn would be a great place to bring these points up. In this case though, it sounds like the OP and her husband had great things in place that fell through.

Sex is also not something limited to loving couples, nor would I like my child to actually see either things. But I would rather she didn't have me and a lover seered in her brain for all time. I remember seeing my mother naked once and that was nasty enough for me.
post #52 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by marisa724 View Post
One quick and easy fix is for your husband to set up a screen saver on his private computer, and password protect it. It can turn on after two minutes of idle time, and then the computer can't be accessed again until he types in his password. This would prevent this kind of "daddy's in the bathroom" accident again, unless of course they're waiting outside the door for him to leave and jump right on before the two minutes are up.
ITA! Also, to the OP, because you say that there is important work materials on that computer, this would prevent files from accidentally being deleted or closed before saved. In this same realm, he may also want to keep secondary copies of all his work on external storage devices. Since the computer is not strictly work-related, the chance for viruses and other malicious software is exponentially higher for that workstation.
post #53 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by LionLady13 View Post
I agree BIG difference. I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are totally anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......
Well I am the daughter of a man who watches porn had playboy & penthouse and many similar magazines. he was also into s&m and bondage type stuff and goddess knows what else
I have a healthy happy mutualy respectfull relationship with my DH and my fathers sexual hangups have in no way affected me.
Also to compare people to pigs is well insulting to pigs really.
And not all porn is bad porn. there is porn out there made in the right way without all the weird degrading crap you get in so many of the videos. and just because someone watches porn doesn't mean they are bad. I dunno your post reads weird to me (but that could also be the langguage difference?)


OP I think you did really well!

Why do these types of threads always turn into a pro/anti porn debate?? to each their own I say....
post #54 of 81
I think you handled it well hun, and for what it's worth. . . My husband does not view porn, niether do I, but I'm totally cool with it, I actually find it a turn on. It would be a no biggie in my house provided I take safety procautions and block stuff like that from my LO seeing it. I also swear in front of my kiddos Not meaning to of course, am I a bad mom? Also my husband and I will sneak in some dtd while my co-sleeping babes sleep. We are quiet, but there is just no where else to do it comfortably. I think sex is so taboo, people need to get over it, we are sexual beings that is it...
post #55 of 81
I remember seeing my mother naked once and that was nasty enough for me.[/QUOTE]
post #56 of 81
[QUOTE=mum21andtwins;13816023]Well I am the daughter of a man who watches porn had playboy & penthouse and many similar magazines. he was also into s&m and bondage type stuff and goddess knows what else
I have a healthy happy mutualy respectfull relationship with my DH and my fathers sexual hangups have in no way affected me.
Also to compare people to pigs is well insulting to pigs really.
And not all porn is bad porn. there is porn out there made in the right way without all the weird degrading crap you get in so many of the videos. and just because someone watches porn doesn't mean they are bad. I dunno your post reads weird to me (but that could also be the langguage difference?)


Could definitely be the language difference. Female Chauvinist Pigs is actually a term coined by Ariel Levy, who is an excellent author (she wrote a book with the same title a few years back). It's basically implying that women who subscribe to the sexual exploitation industry are making sexual objects of other women, beating men at that game, therefore under the false impression they're liberating not only their sisters but themselves.....:

"my fathers sexual hangups have in no way affected me". So they were hangups in your opinion? Kinda interesting (since you support porn) you'd use the word "hang ups".

I never said porn was "bad". I maintain that it is degrading to women and reduces people to mere body parts. It perpetuates sex trafficking. That doesn't sit well with me and frankly I'm surprised it does with so many people.
post #57 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by LionLady13 View Post
I agree BIG difference. I would like to hear views on women that DID have fathers who participated in the sexual exploitation of women and hear how that affected them. The daughters of Dad's who had playboy's and penthouses lying around, that I knew growing up don't have the healthiest sexual role-models now (ie: either are totally anti-sex or are a female chauvinist pigs/ porn users themselves)......
My mom was a single parent, and she got Playboy in the mail. The articles really ARE good in it, lol. She uses to get those books - the Penthouse story compilations. I'd find those too, and read them.

And, as I said, I found Penthouse in the woods when I was 6, to which I gave thorough reading.

As a teen, starting around age 14 or so, I used to watch porn myself. A lot of it. Those were the days of slow dial up too, lol. I don't watch it any more, but I definitely got my fill as a teen.

Now, I'm a feminist and am very pro sex. I mean, I have a healthy attitude about sex, although I don't think it has to be about love and marriage. I'm even with a man who thinks porn is exploitative towards women, and doesn't watch it. He's a male feminist, if one can say that.

I think you have to put this into context - chances are high, her daughters already moved onto something else, and aren't giving this a second thought.

Further, even people who grow up with porn, who watch porn themselves, can certainly grow out of this once it is put into context for them. Or once they take some Women's Studies classes at college. Or read some feminist literature on sex, pleasure, porn, prostitution, etc.

Beyond that, there are female friendly porn videos out there. Made by women for women, for the express purpose of going against the typical porn model.

We all spend our lives growing and changing, and our experiences are just the next nexus for change.

I actually think seeing a clip or a porn photo for a few minutes is a lot less harmful than being constantly bombarded with the objectification of women in the media, as well as in the world. If we can raise strong, independent women in the face of that - we can certainly raise them that way in the face of accidental viewing of porn.
post #58 of 81
To me your response sounds completely reasonable. I have no problem with porn on the computer, but DH's computer and mine are both password protected. So is your DH's, and that's good. Sometimes I use the "lock screen" option on my computer when I'm in a public place so that others won't read my screen when I'm away. Perhaps he could try that. It just brings up a black screen and to go back to what you're doing you put in your password.

FWIW when my family got a computer for the first time I was 8, and the FIRST thing I did with all of the neighbourhood kids was search for sailor moon porn. We were so terrified of being caught that we turned off the site before the picture loaded all the way (this was back when pictures took a good ten minutes to load... lol) but ITA that porn will be found. In fact just the other day I was researching something about vaginal rugae and I got porn results in Google Images even with safe search on. Someone had tagged the images with clinical terms, presumably to avoid safe search filters. I really believe that healthy open conversation is the best protection for our kids, and handling things in a calm and factual manner, much like you did by explaining about the loving activity between adults.
post #59 of 81
My mom was always very much against porn in the house, which only made my brothers want to see it more. For example, when they were young teenagers they found our dad's porn stash in the back of his closet and I guess forgot to put it back after they were done watching it. Mom finds out, grounds them for a month and probably chews Dad out as well. She was LIVID. I know for a fact that at least my oldest brother loves porn (once I was over at his apartment when he was in his early twenties and he had some right there on his bookshelf). It often makes kids even more curious when you make a big deal about something, is what I'm trying to say.

Another time when I was in kindergarten a friend of mine found a porn magazine stuck in one of the bushes at the back of the playground. We looked at it for all of 2 minutes...I knew almost right away that what I was looking at didn't make me feel good, but I didn't understand why. The teacher found about it, told our mothers...my mom became hysterical when we got home, wanted to know exactly what I saw, etc. When she finally calmed down about it, I still didn't know why it made me feel icky, but since she blew up at me about it I assumed that there was something wrong with me now that I had looked at it...like I was tainted or something.

Anyway, I bring these examples up because there's this general consensus that "porn is bad, keep kids away from porn" which I happen to agree with, but the tone that's given surrounding it often communicates the wrong message. The fact that the OP told her kids that sex is something that occurs between people who are in love I feel is avoiding the truth...the truth most people don't want to face. We're a sex-obsessed society. No matter how much we try to protect our kids, shelter them, keep them away from computers and whatever else, they are sooner or later going to be exposed to sex (and often not the "love making" variety we so praise). They will see it in movies, read about it in books, hear about it on the bus to school, and they will easily be able to access it on any public computer. Is the answer then to try to cover it up as much as possible or to make it as normal as possible? I feel the latter answer is the key to optimal sexual health. I'm not saying to purposefully expose young children to porn or anything like that, but to at least make it normal if the situation happens to come up. Children are sexual beings who will one day be very interested in sex, if they're not already. If my kids were to find porn on the computer I would tell them the truth...that these people are not in love, they are simply enjoying the act of sex for the pure pleasure of it or simply to make money. This will, at the very least, give them the foundation to better understand sex and how society sees it. There's no point in trying to hide it, shame it, or make it look "pretty" by saying the people are in love or whatever. Lastly, if my kids were to one day become interested in pornography I would let them watch something basic and not too hardcore, so that it becomes normal. If mom treats it as normal then so will they, more than likely. They probably won't become obsessed with it or feel ashamed if they happen to see it.

One more thing--what's so wrong with having sex solely for pleasure? I know a lot of moms on here are Christian, so it's natural coming from your religious upbringing to frown upon that but how different is it from the "routine sex" that often occurs between people who've been married for a long time or the sex that's had purely for the sake of making babies? I see a lot of women on here and other forums totally fixated on becoming pregnant...basically using their husbands for their sperm, it seems. They might be "in love" with their husbands, but that doesn't feel to me to be loving sex. There are so many different types of sex and reasons for having it...to say that it's only acceptable if its between people who are in love (and, dare I say, straight married people who are in love) is to completely ignore a lot of variations that may or may not be "pretty" but are just as real.
post #60 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by elisent View Post
Is that true? We have windows vista parental controls and use firefox, and we have a very curious ten year old.
Yep it is true. Test it out. I learned the hard way I now use procon latte. It is an add-on for firefox. It is good for younger kids but I will need to get something else when they get older.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › DD's saw something they should not have