WDYD when they are imitating dh's bad behavior?

[oceanbaby]

I think dh often speaks rudely to the kids. When he's tired or stressed or just generally in a bad mood, he can't seem to pull himself together to be civil. I mean, he's not screaming and calling names or anything, just being kind of snotty and disrespectful. This bugs me in and of itself, and we have had numerous conversations about it.

However, the real problem is that then the kids imitate his behavior. I have talked to dh about how he can't expect the kids to speak respectfully to us if we don't speak respectfully to them. But dh either doesn't get it or doesn't care or just can't control himself.

So, how do I respond to the kids when I know they are speaking to me the same way that dh speaks to him? Or when ds1 says some snotty thing to ds2that I heard dh say to him?

I don't know how to solve this. I feel like it's unfair of me to come down on the kids for imitating their dad, yet as dh likes to remind me, I don't get to dictate to him how to speak to his own kids.

[sebandg'smama]

You need to speak out in front of your kids and let your dh know that tone is disrespectful when he uses it.

So when your kids use that tone, you are consistent when you are spoken to disrespectfully.

Hold them all accountable for their behaviour.

[oceanbaby]

I do that, but then dh gets pissed that I am undermining his authority, and telling him how to talk to his kids.

[leighann79]

I would tell the kids that speaking that way was not allowed. They are not allowed to speak to eachother or you that way. (leave dad out of it)

[sebandg'smama]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

I do that, but then dh gets pissed that I am undermining his authority, and telling him how to talk to his kids.

Sorry to hear this.

Is going to talk to someone that he trusts an option? Some kind of counseling/mediation?

[Thisbirdwillfly]

yet as dh likes to remind me, I don't get to dictate to him how to speak to his own kids.

Does your dh see that is being snotty and disrespectful? If he doesn't, that's one issue. But if he does and chooses to continue to engage it at least in part to spite you, that's another issue. Figuring out what is going on will help you chose how to proceed.

In the meantime, continue to model and insist on respectful language.

[RiverSky]

I think my DH has done this occasionally, to a smaller extent, and I simply remind my children, if they are copying him in some way, that I don't speak to them that way, and would appreciate it if they didn't do that to me, because it hurts my feelings even though I know they didn't intend to hurt my feelings.

I have occasionally, (not in DH's presence) explained to my children that if someone is tired, cranky or otherwise not feeling very well, sometimes they might say something or do something in a cranky manner that they don't really mean and that shouldn't be copied.

My children are 10 and 7, but these things have worked quite well in our house since they were much younger.

[txgal]

We have had a similar issues not with Dh being disrespectful to the kids, but with them imitating the way he and his buddies talk to each other. An example: dh might ask a friend to do something "Hey can you get me a beer?" and the friend might respond "get up and get your own beer!", this is all done in fun and just typical guy stuff. But when Ds repeats it, dh tells him not to talk back. I tell him he is just doing what you do and you laugh about it with the guys, he doesn't understand that it's different for him.

[paquerette]

Well it's kind of passive aggressive. Okay, very. but I have told DD before "It's not okay when daddy does it, and it's not okay for you to do it. Sometimes we all do things that are not okay, but we all just have to try harder to do better. Let's do better from now on." At least it sort of turns it around to a group effort and makes a nod towards the fact that we're all human and we're all doing our best.

[secondseconds]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

I do that, but then dh gets pissed that I am undermining his authority, and telling him how to talk to his kids.

I would stop worrying about pissing him off. He's being unreasonable. I would make a general rule about civility and kindness in your house for all to follow and hold everybody to the same standard.

[mom2grrls]

Have you tried talking to him about it at a different time when both of you are calm? I bet when one of the kids talks to him that way he may see it differently.

[beanma]

Can you rephrase his comments in a way that sounds more polite and also empathize with him? I am not great at this, but here's an example so you know what I mean. You can probably do better than this, but just so you get the idea. I think he needs to know that you back him up and are "on his team", but at the same time you want to avoid setting up an adversarial relationship with the kids.

Dad (very cranky, to kids): You kids need to get this junk up off the floor right now! You always make a huge mess and leave it all over the place! I am sick and tired of it! Are you still babies that have to be cleaned up after all the time?! Take care of your junk!

Mom(rephrasing more politely, but empathizing with Dad): Kids, I think your dad is feeling really frustrated with the toys being all over the floor and I am, too. I really need to be able to walk across the floor and not step on legos in my barefeet. That really hurts! What can we do about this? Will you please put them back in the bucket or take your projects to your room now? I'd like to have all the toys out of the living room for now. Thanks.

Or something along those lines. I would refrain from "correcting" him in front of the kids, but I would demonstrate to them a better way of letting your feelings be known.

You might like to investigate "Non-Violent Communication". I'm not much of a practitioner, but I think there are some really good ideas there.

hth

[sunnymw]

Subbing.

DS1 is learning how to be very hot-headed from DH. That slamming doors, yelling, throwing are acceptable ways of handling anger/frustration. He's also learning how to hit/bite from GMIL--because she's an "I'll do it back to you" person (he bit once because DS2 was teething and did it to him--she bit back, now he does it ALL the time).

[craft_media_hero]

just me, but . . . .

I would call him on it every single time, whether the kids were present or not. I would call the kids on it, I would call my own mom on it, I would pretty much call anybody on it regardless of who is present.

It doesn't matter how old someone is or whether they're male or female or whatever. It is never okay to degrade each other with our speech. And that's exactly what I'd say to my partner if his speech/behavior was bad modeling for my child. And sometimes it is, and I say, "modeling" to remind him because we've had this conversation before. And he tries. He slips sometimes, but we are all improving, right?

By not saying anything when the kids are present, you're enabling the behavior whenever they're present. Just like with a child, address the behavior as soon as you see it.

Like PPs said, hold everyone accountable to the same standard. To do otherwise is unfair and confusing to the whole family.

It sucks that you have this task of teaching him to speak respectfully, but at least if you address this now, you know that your sons won't have the same problem when they are adults.

[Fuamami]

Hit him over the head with the frying pan?

Oh wait, GENTLE discipline. Sorry.

I can totally relate, in case you couldn't tell. I feel for my dh, because he's been working really long hours and recently quit smoking (again), but it really, really irks me. It's mostly in the mornings, because he's super tired and grouchy, but wants to spend time with the kids so he makes them breakfast. But he's not really able to handle it, and just ends up being rude to him, and then we also go through the whole undermining thing. In his defense, we do have a history of me picking on him about parenting quite a bit, so I think he tunes me out.

When my dd started saying to me, "I don't do things for mommies who don't say please," (a quote she got from her daddy), I decided to just start pointing it out in front of him. When he says something totally disrespectful to the kids, I have been saying, "Whoa! That would really hurt my feelings if someone spoke to me like that!"

Disclaimer: I don't think this is helping, and I am sure a huge fight is brewing over it, but I just can't sit there and let him speak to my kids like that anymore. And I would expect him to do the same for me.

[crazydiamond]

Do we have the same DH or what? Mine is exactly the same and I have no good solutions either. I think I've tried everything over the last few years without success.

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

I would call him on it every single time, whether the kids were present or not. I would call the kids on it, I would call my own mom on it, I would pretty much call anybody on it regardless of who is present.

I've done that and it backfired big time. First off, everytime I said something it would turn into an argument. And because DH is rude and snotty to the kids pretty often (at least a few times a day), we started having non-stop fights. That's not good for the kids either! And the other thing is that DD is now imitating me telling DH to knock it off. So now not only is she being rude and snotty, but she's also quick to tell us "You're being so rude!!!!! Ha Ha Ha I'm not listening to you!" Of course I don't say those words to DH, but the intent is similar. She just uses her own words. So now there's rudeness upon rudeness.

[momma_unlimited]

It sucks that you have this task of teaching him to speak respectfully, but at least if you address this now, you know that your sons won't have the same problem when they are adults.

It seems kind of haughty, to me, to assume the position of a "teacher" to someone who has not solicited my "expertise". I think a person has to actually be motivated to learn to be "taught"... unless you are "teaching them a lesson" in the negative sense of the phrase.

I second the vote for reading Non Violent Communication and repeating your husband's idea/intent in a respectful way... this way you are "on his side" but not condoning rudeness. And reminding your children every time they speak to you in a way that you find rude, to gently explain why that tone of voice/message is not an appropriate way to communicate.

[Carley]

Originally Posted by beanma

Can you rephrase his comments in a way that sounds more polite and also empathize with him? I am not great at this, but here's an example so you know what I mean. You can probably do better than this, but just so you get the idea. I think he needs to know that you back him up and are "on his team", but at the same time you want to avoid setting up an adversarial relationship with the kids.

Dad (very cranky, to kids): You kids need to get this junk up off the floor right now! You always make a huge mess and leave it all over the place! I am sick and tired of it! Are you still babies that have to be cleaned up after all the time?! Take care of your junk!

Mom(rephrasing more politely, but empathizing with Dad): Kids, I think your dad is feeling really frustrated with the toys being all over the floor and I am, too. I really need to be able to walk across the floor and not step on legos in my barefeet. That really hurts! What can we do about this? Will you please put them back in the bucket or take your projects to your room now? I'd like to have all the toys out of the living room for now. Thanks.

Or something along those lines. I would refrain from "correcting" him in front of the kids, but I would demonstrate to them a better way of letting your feelings be known.

You might like to investigate "Non-Violent Communication". I'm not much of a practitioner, but I think there are some really good ideas there.

hth

Great suggestion!

[MaryLang]

I like everyones ideas. I've been in sort of the same shoes lately. I can say
I've tried every single one of the suggestions.
Call him on it every time. ( ends up exactly like crazydiamond says)
Rephrase what my DH says in a more polite manner.
And Fuamami~ I hear ya! I have a bad history of picking on DH about parenting, but something like this just brings out the mama bear in me and I have to speak up!
They all work to a degree, but only for a time. I'm on the verge of pulling a tape recorder out all day (DH is recently unemployed and I believe this is adding to the frustration), to play it back in the evening. He honestly doesn't know what I'm talking about when I talk to him about it. He's says he's working on it.