Looking for opinions from birth mothers

[Devaskyla]

My mother gave me up for adoption at birth. My adoptive parents never told me I was adopted. I found out when I was 23 & my birth mother hired a search agency to find me. Since then (12 years ago), I've talked to her on the phone once & emailed her every 1-3 months. I know she wants to meet me. She was shocked I didn't know I was adopted & has been very patient; answering my questions & letting me control how our relationship develops. I really would like to meet her, but at the same time, I'm terrified of being rejected again (yeah, I know all the logical arguments, she did what she thought was best, etc; doesn't change how it feels). Anyway, last time I wrote to her I suggested meeting and she said she'd like to meet but only when I'm ready since it's a big step 'for both of us'. Which kind of makes it sound like she's trying to avoid meeting me, but that could just be paranoia on my part.

The thing is, I'm never going to be completely ready. I'm always going to be scared of not being good enough, of being rejected. I can't keep putting off meeting her, though, one day it will be too late & I'd never forgive myself. Since she contacted me, both my birth & adoptive fathers have died, as has my grandmother & both my birth mother's parents & her sister...which means I've already missed out on meeting them. In addition, last year my bmom was diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught it early & she's fine, but it could have easily gone the other way.

I just can't see putting it off until I'm "ready", because that might never happen. And part of me feels like she's saying that because she doesn't really want to meet me. I don't know, I'm just not sure how to reply to the email. I've been trying to figure it out for over a month. ATM, I've got that I'm not sure I'll ever be "ready" but I want to meet her. It just doesn't seem right somehow.

I guess I'm just hoping someone will say something that'll somehow clarify things for me.

[Momma Moo Martin]

I have never been in a similar situation but I wanted to say that I think it's good you acknowledge that even though there are valid and understandable reasons for a birth mother to allow others to raise her child, there is still a very real loss that occurs for both the mother and the child. I can understand why you have such conflicting feelings about meeting your birth mother. The only thing I would say to you is not to let your fear make the decision for you - and by that I mean that if you do want to meet your birth mother, even if it is only to express yourself to her, do not let your fear/anxiety/nervousness stop you from doing that. There are plenty of things in life that can be extremely scary but important to do. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. :

[proudmomof4]

I haven't been in that situation either (the closest I've come to adoption was among friends and in the neighborhood). It sounds normal - of course! - that both you and your birth mother would be apprehensive and maybe nervous. But that (as you said) is just the logical part.
Could you imagine just writing about your feelings in an e-mail to your birth mother (just like you did here)? Maybe you could both "work from there" then.
Have you tried the adoption forum? I would think there are more people with experience in this area.
Sending you lots of good thoughts... :

[Lollybrat]

Hi. I'm an adult adoptee who reunited with my birthmom in 1996. I've also been involved in support groups for adult adoptees and birthparents. Although I grew up knowing that I was adopted, I have talked with several adoptees who didn't. I think that makes the situation a lot harder, but what you are feeling is normal. Adoption is a life-long issue and there are a lot of emotions to work through at various stages.

When I first reunited with my birthmom, we exchanged letters for a couple of years without meeting face to face. (She lives on the other side of the country from me.) I searched for her, she was shocked when I found her, she wanted to take things slowly, and I understood that. We did eventually have a face to face meeting. I think it was very emotional for her and she was not prepared for that. I guess it was too much for her because after that she cut off all contact with me. I feel sad about that, especially since I was her only child and she doesn't even know that I got married and had a son.

Anyway, I strongly advise you to find a support group in your area. On-line support groups are great, but it is very powerful to sit in a room with a bunch of people who are going through the same thing you are. Some support groups are just for adult adoptees, others are for adoptees and birthparents. Personally I like the ones with birthparents because I learn a lot from hearing their experience and their advice.

As far as whether you will ever feel "ready", you might and you might not. You might hear something or read something that causes you to wake up one day and say, "This is it, I'm ready for it." Or you may never feel "ready", but decide to do a face-to-face meeting anyway. It's OK to feel either way. It's OK to face your birthmother while still feeling conflicted about it. It's OK to put off meeting her while you work through some feelings, but like you said you never know when it will be too late and the opportunity will be gone. I waited too long to search for my birthfather and he died before I even knew his full name. It is one of my biggest regrets.

As far as feeling "good enough" and worrying about rejection. Yeah, I think a lot of adoptees go through that. It's really normal. Even knowing all the reasons why a birthmother might choose adoption,, it still can feel like a rejection. What we logically know and understand doesn't always match what we feel in our hearts. It's hard. This is part of why it is so important to have a strong support system while on this roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs. Of course you are "good enough" and hopefully there are plenty of people in your life who can tell you that.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to "talk" about this.

[jshannyn519]

I came across this post today, and I noticed that it has been a year since you wrote it. Have you met with your birthmother yet?

From the perspective of a birthmomma, she is probably terrified of rejection as well. And I can guarantee that there was not a day that went by where she was not thinking about you and praying for you, and hoping that you could someday understand why she made the choice that she did. Placing a child, regardless of circumstances, is never an easy choice. There are long-term and far-reaching consequences that cannot possibly be known ahead of time.

I do hope that you met her and I hope that the meeting went well and that you and your birthmother are on your way to developing a deeper relationship.