So...I've posted on here before about the stress of my job, my husband's job, etc. It seems like throughout this pregnancy my life has just gotten messier and messier. This weekend, my car, which we literally just bought a 'For Sale' sign for so we could get rid of it because it's been nothing but a money pit since we bought it a few months ago, is broken. We think its the radiator or the water pump. Being that it's an Aztek, it's extremely complicated to fix anything because it's all compressed into a small space with metal bars welded across to make it even more difficult. I also found out that the perfect, part time job I *thought* I had lined up for August is not going to work out, so as of right now I really don't have a job unless I want to go back to the hellacious nanny job I was working up until last week...which I just can't do. Not only are the children exceptionally difficult, but they are extremely dirty...their house is dirty, they never bathe them, they are constantly sick and constantly have diaper rashes...I can barely handle not calling CPS on these parents who undoubtedly love their children but just are overwhelmed by how difficult they are and how disorganized their lives are...any way, I cannot bring my newborn child into that situation. So, while I am frantically looking for a job (and would really like to have one lined up before Samara is born so as to avoid interviewing with a newborn during my babymoon!), I have noticed in the last year or so it's become extremely difficult to find a nanny job. The number of people looking for nanny jobs has really, really gone up, and for every ad looking FOR a nanny, there are 20 people emailing about it (I know this even just from helping a family look for my replacement, but also from the sheer number of ads posted on Craigslist and other nanny sites.) And now, most of those people posting have an advantage over me: they are all young, single college students with no kids and no responsibilities. To a parent, that means they are available to be at their beck and call. Nobody wants a married woman, not in college (and therefore 'not going anywhere in life'), who will be toting along their newborn baby.
Now the best part. My best friend in the entire world, who is practically my sister, has had a lot of drama going on in her life lately. A year and a half ago she became very ill, and has recently found out that her seizurelike symptoms are similar to PTSD because of some very traumatic events in her life. These symptoms, along with problems in her marriage, have led to her doing some irrational things...including cheating on her husband, with one of my friends, while she was visiting me...which she lied to me about, and just told me about yesterday. She cheated on her husband...in the NURSERY, which is also the guest bedroom, and the room I wanted to give birth to my child in! She is not the kind of person who does this, and I know she is hurting a lot and really regrets what she's done, but at the same time, I'm really, really angry. She is not mentally stable at all right now, and in fact tried to check herself into the hospital because of suicidal thoughts, but they couldn't take her because they didn't have any beds for her. Her husband is standing by her, taking care of her right now, and trying to get her into a mental health clinic but she doesn't have insurance or money to pay so right now she is kind of out of luck. But regardless, her fragile state means I can't really be angry with her, or even tell her how I feel.
I just feel so overwhelmed by this stress. I have problems with anxiety and depression already, and usually I can talk to my best friend about these things, but now I can't even talk to her. She is really my closest friend, and not having her makes me feel so, so alone. I feel selfish but I wish that her problems were nonexistant right now, because I could truly use her support and help right now. I have this instinct to just shut her and everyone else out, because I could go into labor at any minute, and I am so anxious and wound up that I feel like I would not even be able to labor. The end of pregnancy should be a time of relaxing and preparing for a baby, not having a breakdown. I don't know how to clear my heart and my mind right now, other than just telling everyone to leave me the hell alone, and I'll call them when the baby's here.
Now the best part. My best friend in the entire world, who is practically my sister, has had a lot of drama going on in her life lately. A year and a half ago she became very ill, and has recently found out that her seizurelike symptoms are similar to PTSD because of some very traumatic events in her life. These symptoms, along with problems in her marriage, have led to her doing some irrational things...including cheating on her husband, with one of my friends, while she was visiting me...which she lied to me about, and just told me about yesterday. She cheated on her husband...in the NURSERY, which is also the guest bedroom, and the room I wanted to give birth to my child in! She is not the kind of person who does this, and I know she is hurting a lot and really regrets what she's done, but at the same time, I'm really, really angry. She is not mentally stable at all right now, and in fact tried to check herself into the hospital because of suicidal thoughts, but they couldn't take her because they didn't have any beds for her. Her husband is standing by her, taking care of her right now, and trying to get her into a mental health clinic but she doesn't have insurance or money to pay so right now she is kind of out of luck. But regardless, her fragile state means I can't really be angry with her, or even tell her how I feel.
I just feel so overwhelmed by this stress. I have problems with anxiety and depression already, and usually I can talk to my best friend about these things, but now I can't even talk to her. She is really my closest friend, and not having her makes me feel so, so alone. I feel selfish but I wish that her problems were nonexistant right now, because I could truly use her support and help right now. I have this instinct to just shut her and everyone else out, because I could go into labor at any minute, and I am so anxious and wound up that I feel like I would not even be able to labor. The end of pregnancy should be a time of relaxing and preparing for a baby, not having a breakdown. I don't know how to clear my heart and my mind right now, other than just telling everyone to leave me the hell alone, and I'll call them when the baby's here.
Are you able to just really work on releasing all the crap and really put your energy into yourself and your husband and your upcoming birth and arrival? Maybe every time *crap* comes into your mind just brush it away and focus on the good, exciting place YOU are in your life right now. This is really a miraculous time in our young lives and it will pass by us in a flash. Be really present and give yourself permission to enter your cave to be safe.
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