What does a trantrum look like?

[flower01]

I ask because I've read a bunch of threads where people actually talk to the kids as if their child is able to comprehend them and make a decision. Like some people say that they take their child to their room and tell them that they will be there if they need them to hug them or whatever. Or they give them their space.

My DD's tantrums are completely out of control - it almost looks like an out of body experience to me, like she's in a trance. She says things that make absolutely no sense and she acts like she wants to be held, but then if we try to hold her she freaks out even worse and fights us. I am just overwhelmed and have no idea how to respond because it's actually scary to me. I am afraid she will hurt herself, but when i hold her she scratches and kicks me.

[GrumpyGranola]

My DD is the same way, she is 2 years old. She throws herself to the floor, screams, cries, kicks, etc. When she does this, I do not try to hold her, it only makes it much worse.

[Quindin]

Yep, sounds like regular tantrums all right... :

Good news is that it soon shall pass.
By the 5th birthday it is like you get a brand new kid! :

[joy2grow]

I experienced the first out of body type tantrum today with my DD who is 2yr8mo. It just finished and lasted about 45 min - now she is asleep. I've never felt so helpless, frustrated or scared with my daughter. I figured I should just give her space to blow off steam so I stayed in another room for the first 5 min or so. When she didn't let up, thought maybe she's gonna scream till I go in there. Wrong! She ran away to continue elsewhere. Then moments later would say "mama, mama" only to push me and run away again when I approached. After 20 min I broke down crying out of frustration. I was hoping that might stop her in her tracks as she's ususally quite empathetic, but no. Eventually she just wore herself down and passed out.

I kept thinking if DH was here he would probably yell at her and close her in a room to CIO, but I can't do that and don't think it's the best solution. How do you all handle these episodes? What do you do?

[Deefodil]

I often do have to let my children have those tantrums in their rooms by themselves. It's not "locking them in and letting them CIO" as much as it's just letting them do what they need to do. My two DD's don't come back out, though. I just deposit them on their bed and tell them that I love them and I'll check on them in a minute. Then I leave the room.

I've tried everything to "help" and nothing makes it better. I touch them and connect with them everytime that I check on them, but I can't just sit in a room with them and watch them meltdown and be unable to do anything to help it. It's selfish of me, sure. But it's best for my mental health, and what's best for my mental health is what's best for my kids.

[mom2grrls]

How old is she? When is she most likely to have a tantrum?

[mamazee]

I would tell my dd I was there for her as if she could understand me, even if she couldn't. I can't tell what she can understand or not in a situation like that, but if she does understand I want her to know. She would get violent like that too.

[mama_mojo]

I do not talk to my children mid- tantrum. I might make gestures, like open arms, or quietly sitting within view for a minute or two at a time, but I have found that talking and touching are "forbidden".

45 minutes sounds pretty normal to me. Was she tired already? Was she hungry? Sometimes, missing either of these windows will trigger tantrums in our house.

[flower01]

To answer some questions: the recent episode did occur near bedtime after a long day without a nap, so understandable, but these tantrums also happen when she's rested and they seem unprovoked.

But, the real question has to do with our response. Many of you say you leave your child in a room to let them come out when they are ready. Or you leave your kid be and don't touch them. This is my problem, she comes at as to be held - it's like she wants us to hold her, but then she kicks and fights. If I am holding her and she kicks I put her down, but then she freaks out even more. It goes back and forth like this the whole time. I can't hold her, but I can't not hold her.

Also, if I try to leave her in a room she does not comprehend what we are saying and she runs out of the room after us screaming, like she's terrified or she thinks we're abandoning her.

The last two tantrums...her behavior was really strange...She yelled at us to walk and points...as if she wants us to leave. So we leave...and then she chases after us screaming. So we walked back and forth a few times...but it was the same thing over and over... It's just so weird...if we do what she says she screams, if we don't do what she says she screams.

[joy2grow]

In my case, DD was tired and we've both been sick with a cold for a week so a bit run down and edgy already. I knew she was tired and it was my suggestion that we lay down for a nap that instantly put her over the edge. Like flower01, the biggest heartache for me was her simultaneously wanting me and pushing me away.

I also wanted to clarify DH's approach b/c I made him sound terrible! Thing is he has a deep booming voice naturally and is less tolerant of outbursts. He wont necessarily close the door, but he will always move her away from the family room and tell her when she's ready to calm down he'll be back. He's home a lot less than I am and their relationship is very different so it's hard to compare.

When I told him about the intense meltdown that I mentioned above, he suggested that *my* energy makes her tantrums worse. That he's heard me practically plead with her to stop or whatever. It doesn't seem like that to me, but I am going to observe my own behavior next time so I can understand my possible contribution to the situation. I do admit that my energy as mama, as her nearly constant companion of course has to have an effect on her.

My biggest concern is wanting to give her the freedom to express herself but also the tools/skills to deal with her feelings in the most healthy way. I've been super angry before and yelling and stomping around just made it worse, kwim?

[EdnaMarie]

My DD's tantrums are completely out of control - it almost looks like an out of body experience to me, like she's in a trance. She says things that make absolutely no sense and she acts like she wants to be held, but then if we try to hold her she freaks out even worse and fights us. I am just overwhelmed and have no idea how to respond because it's actually scary to me. I am afraid she will hurt herself, but when i hold her she scratches and kicks me.

This is my problem, she comes at as to be held - it's like she wants us to hold her, but then she kicks and fights. If I am holding her and she kicks I put her down, but then she freaks out even more. It goes back and forth like this the whole time. I can't hold her, but I can't not hold her.

Mine does not do exactly that- not the "hold me don't hold me" thing, but they are that violent and no I cannot talk to her. But I do. I usually say one thing- "When you're finished, I'm here," or if she really doesn't want do do something and that started the tantrum, "When you're finished, we can talk." Then I wait.

She is a hugger but what I'd suggest for your daughter is perhaps you letting her come to you and control the hug. Like, don't reach out to her. Just be open. Obviously don't let her hit you (I would totally be afraid my daughter might do that in a tantrum state) but do see if she will come.

If she does NOT, if she wants you to follow her orders, then I would say, "No. You need to respect me. I love you. I will be here when you are finished." And just leave her. Even if she is screaming, because honestly, you are a person to and there is only so much you can take. It's not about teaching her a lesson (though she will probably learn that you, too, have limits which may be comforting), it's about respecting yourself in the process.

I am so there with you. Our last tantrum was in the YMCA, or should I say, all the way through the Y as we left the playtime we attended. Screaming, kicking, the whole bit. It was awful.