Other people correcting your children - Page 2

[treemom2]

I'm okay with it when people correct my children. . .I also believe that it takes a village. I understand we are all different and have different comfort levels with what we allow our children to do and not do. I also think it's a good time to explain this to children. . .At Xs house we don't climb on the couch, Uncle Y really gets uncomfortable when you. . ., etc. . . I don't think I would tell your step brother not to correct your child unless he is doing it in a demeaning or rude manner. Now, if he hears you tell your child something is okay then tells your child not to do it. . .then I might say something like, "thanks I've got this one" or "really this is okay with me, thanks so much for helping out". My good friend and I have very different comfort levels with things our children do. . .however, when we are watching each other's kids we correct them in our own ways. I really think it's okay. . .

[paakbaak]

i´m divorced and back at my mom´s place with my 3yo son...so i´ve had hard times hearing my mother correct my son. but i finally got this...
I treat him one way, not EVERYONE will treat him the same in his life.
so i found it´s ok if someone else corects him, he´s learning and sometimes my mom might tell him not to touch something and he tells her "mom lets me", my mom asks me if it´s true, i say yes and she has no other option but to let him do it. it´s alot simpler and better for my son because he´s learning to stand up for himself, not wait for his mom to defend him or to tell the other people what he can or can´t do.

also, if you have a friend of your child over at your house, how do you treat him? like his mother or the same way you treat your kid? there are diferent "rules" in diferent houses, so it´s fine that someone´s parents wont let your kid climb on the couch, at their house. their rules, it´s fine. kids get a wonderful chance at learning from other people, other ways of life, other things, it´s great.

i do feel it´s important to tell family and friends, when they are at you house, what you do and don´t "let" your kid do, that way they´ll know in advance.

[pixiepunk]

this occasionally happens with me and if a person is correcting my child for something i don't have a problem with i just say "it's OK. i don't mind." which lets the child know s/he is OK to continue and lets the adult know to mind their own business, but in a smiley and polite way. if it is something i was about to deal with, i just say "i got it, thanks!" to the adult, and then proceed to talk to the child.

i'm not likely to make waves about it unless the person is yelling or being really unreasonable. i have a lot of friends with kids and we don't always see everything our kids do, i don't really mind if someone else nips a dangerous behavior in the bud and i do it for my friends too (like at a recent playgroup a little guy was trying to go outside and i knew he was a flight risk and not supposed to be outside so i stopped him, his mom was nearby but didn't see him).

[Demeter_shima]

I think asserting yourself a little, politely is important. Otherwise, it could feed possible judgements or resentment in your BIL.
If he is overstepping, say he says something that you feel is harmfully restrictive, it's totally appropriate to pull him aside and correct him...explaining that you allow your child to do "blah" and that he should check with you before intervening in the future unless there is iminent danger.

[Gin1999g]

I have allowed my family to correct my children as I know they have different rules and has taught my children to show respect towards others not that I allow my kids to run amok. Respect and boundaries for oneself and others was always a lesson aimed at during their small years and has paid off.

[teale]

Somebody who has made it clear that your discipline style is too soft and ineffective correcting my child in front of me is when I say "Ive got it, thanks." Or just avoid them as much as possible.

Somebody who has consistently shown respect for me and my parenting and my child, it doesn't bother me when they say something to her.

This.

It's one thing when it's something that doesn't need to be corrected, but when it's something that he shouldn't be doing, then as long as the parent is someone who respects me, I couldn't care less, as long as they are gentle in the way they correct him.

[FertileMertel]

Originally Posted by treemom2

I'm okay with it when people correct my children. . .I also believe that it takes a village. I understand we are all different and have different comfort levels with what we allow our children to do and not do. I also think it's a good time to explain this to children. . .At Xs house we don't climb on the couch, Uncle Y really gets uncomfortable when you. . ., etc. . . I don't think I would tell your step brother not to correct your child unless he is doing it in a demeaning or rude manner. Now, if he hears you tell your child something is okay then tells your child not to do it. . .then I might say something like, "thanks I've got this one" or "really this is okay with me, thanks so much for helping out". My good friend and I have very different comfort levels with things our children do. . .however, when we are watching each other's kids we correct them in our own ways. I really think it's okay. . .

I agree with you. It is also important for children to learn to respect ALL adults and respect that they have authority over children. Kids need to learn different adults/teachers do things differently (especially in different settings/homes/classrooms), but it is still important to show respect and obey.

Your stepbrother doesn't really seem to overstep boundaries that much. The grasshopper thing....well, maybe that was just his knee jerk reaction to say something. I think either way, it is important for you to talk with your SB privately, not in front of your child so you do not create a good parent/bad parent dynamic for your child.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by FertileMertel

It is also important for children to learn to respect ALL adults and respect that they have authority over children. Kids need to learn different adults/teachers do things differently (especially in different settings/homes/classrooms), but it is still important to show respect and obey.

This I don't actually agree with. Respect? Absolutely. Obedience without questions? Absolutely not. What if Uncle X were saying "touch me" or something similar? Or a teacher was saying "Put this answer down on the test paper" to improve standardized test scores? This is how priests get to molest children -- they are all taught to respect and obey clergy. Kids should absolutely have the right and understanding to question whether obeying is the right thing to do. To do that, we need to teach them that sometimes its OK NOT to follow the directions of an adult.

Not, mind you, that I think this was the case here and I don't have a problem with "different place/person, different rules". I don't even have a problem with others gently correcting my child while he is in their home or they are in charge. I do have a problem with adults correcting my kids when I'm there and in charge of them and its my space or "public" space. But children do also need to know that they can say "I'm sorry, that doesn't seem right to me" and their parents will back them up.

[FertileMertel]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

This I don't actually agree with. Respect? Absolutely. Obedience without questions? Absolutely not. What if Uncle X were saying "touch me" or something similar? Or a teacher was saying "Put this answer down on the test paper" to improve standardized test scores? This is how priests get to molest children -- they are all taught to respect and obey clergy. Kids should absolutely have the right and understanding to question whether obeying is the right thing to do. To do that, we need to teach them that sometimes its OK NOT to follow the directions of an adult.

Not, mind you, that I think this was the case here and I don't have a problem with "different place/person, different rules". I don't even have a problem with others gently correcting my child while he is in their home or they are in charge. I do have a problem with adults correcting my kids when I'm there and in charge of them and its my space or "public" space. But children do also need to know that they can say "I'm sorry, that doesn't seem right to me" and their parents will back them up.

You took my words to extremes. I am not talking about blind obedience! I agree there is a time and a place for children to question. And of course, as parents, we teach our children only they have a right to their own bodies. If you are instilling good moral values into your children, they will hopefully know the difference between obeying respectfully and disobeying respectfully when something is asked of them that is wrong. And they should know that if the line is unclear, they should ask mom and dad or another trusting adult.

In regards to people correcting other peoples children when the parent is right there, you are assuming the parent will tell their child "no" when they are doing something naughty. What if the parent doesn't step in and just watches their child misbehave? I had this happen and the other mom was even a teacher like myself. After disciplining other kids all day, you'd think she would have a grip on her own! She was visiting my house with her 4/5 year old son. He began running and sliding across my coffee table on his butt scratching the table with the rivets on his jeans. Then he was jumping from one recliner leg rest to another and jumping on the couch. (These aren't that sturdy!) This child was acting like a wild monkey while visiting my house. His mother did not say a WORD to him. Finally, I had to step in. I wasn't about to let him scratch and break my furniture. Besides, that's no way for children to behave while visiting other people's houses.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

In regards to people correcting other peoples children when the parent is right there, you are assuming the parent will tell their child "no" when they are doing something naughty. What if the parent doesn't step in and just watches their child misbehave? I had this happen and the other mom was even a teacher like myself. After disciplining other kids all day, you'd think she would have a grip on her own! She was visiting my house with her 4/5 year old son. He began running and sliding across my coffee table on his butt scratching the table with the rivets on his jeans. Then he was jumping from one recliner leg rest to another and jumping on the couch. (These aren't that sturdy!) This child was acting like a wild monkey while visiting my house. His mother did not say a WORD to him. Finally, I had to step in. I wasn't about to let him scratch and break my furniture. Besides, that's no way for children to behave while visiting other people's houses.

But this was your house, so you definitely should have been able to say "Please don't slide on the table" or whatever, as long as you gave the other parent a chance to say something first and were respectful toward mother and child. Or to say to the mother "I would prefer if Jr. didn't do X" and letting her handle it, either way. But if you were at a third person's house, then I think it would be overstepping bounds to correct a child that wasn't your own while the parent was there and if the host weren't saying anything (which is what I understand the OPs situation to be"). Unless, of course, the child was lighting matches or something obviously dangerous.

[FertileMertel]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

But this was your house, so you definitely should have been able to say "Please don't slide on the table" or whatever, as long as you gave the other parent a chance to say something first and were respectful toward mother and child. Or to say to the mother "I would prefer if Jr. didn't do X" and letting her handle it, either way. But if you were at a third person's house, then I think it would be overstepping bounds to correct a child that wasn't your own while the parent was there and if the host weren't saying anything (which is what I understand the OPs situation to be"). Unless, of course, the child was lighting matches or something obviously dangerous.

I agree with you. We are on the same page. That is a good suggestion to state your wishes to the parent first. I wish I would have thought of that at the time although I'm not sure it would have mattered. I was just so floored that she would allow her child to act that way. I try to be respectful of the parents at all times, but the teacher in me comes out every so often since I am used to reprimanding others' children.