Frustrated with DH--am I alone?

[racie0417]

Okay, I know some of this is stress and some is serious sleep deprivation. LO screams at least 3 hours a day, and sometimes 1-2 hours continuously 2-3 times a day. He is screaming as I write this. He doesn't fall asleep until 9:30 or 10pm every night (after being awake for 5-8 hours straight), sleeps one stretch (usually a long one), but when he wakes he is UP for the day. Last night he woke at 3am. He was bounced, rocked, nursed, worn, etc non-stop between me and DH for 10 hours, and during those 10 hours, slept about 90 minutes--one 40 minute stretch, one 20 minute stretch, and a few 5-10 minute stretches. As you can imagine, this leads to alot of exhaustion and frustration. We don't live near family and have no one I'd trust to leave LO with, especially since he'll scream for hours and hours...besdies, he doesn't take a bottle. He will not sleep in a swing or bouncy seat and will scream non-stop in the car....we haven't driven with him longer than an hour, but he screamed at the top of his lungs the whole way....given that he sleeps maybe 6-8 hours a day, I really doubt he'd sleep.

Anyway, DH wanted to take ODS for a walk. I give him LO who was calm while I get a carrier. LO starts crying, so DH blows in his face. The crying escalated to screaming. Once the screaming starts, it will take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours to stop it. So I am trying to calm LO, and DH asks me in an annoyed voice "Are you ready YET to take a walk; we need to get going before ODS's bedtime." I can barely hear him over the screaming, so I am clearly not ready. : So DH says he'll just have to leave without me.

I am feeling gross and fat and all I want to do is walk, but now I am stuck with a screaming baby (he left 30 minutes ago). Yet he wonders why I have no interest in sex (and in his defense we only had sex once since August--first my m/s was too bad and then I was too tired).

I really don't even feel like talking to DH when he gets home, although it will be awhile before I can, as we'll need to get ODS to bed, then LO's bath, and we still probably have another hour or so of screaming ahead of us....But if we have time to talk, I don't even feel like explaining why I a annoyed with him.

[dawncayden]

Have you looked into the cause of him screaming and hardly sleeping. It sounds like something is off. Reflux? Food allergies?

[racie0417]

Originally Posted by dawncayden

Have you looked into the cause of him screaming and hardly sleeping. It sounds like something is off. Reflux? Food allergies?

I've been dairy-free for 3 weeks now, but haven't seen improvement. I *think* he has reflux, but have had an impossible time getting him in to the ped. He was seen once by a reservist doctor as our regular ped was out of the country on a humanitarian mission and there was only 1 ped for the whole military base. We have an appointment Wednesday with our regukar ped.

FTR, it has been 70 minutes of straight screaming now, minus a nusing session, but it was short as he kept popping off to scream.
Oh, in in the last 22 hours, he has slept 9 hours, maybe 9.5 hours.

[momma2be_k]

Have you read "Happiest baby On The Block"? if not you should see if your local library has a copy or pick up a copy for yourself....

I found it really helpful.... with some amazing information on how to soothe babies, and that the first few moths of life are like the "fourth" trimester..... I think it would REALLY help you out!

[racie0417]

Originally Posted by momma2be_k

Have you read "Happiest baby On The Block"? if not you should see if your local library has a copy or pick up a copy for yourself....

I found it really helpful.... with some amazing information on how to soothe babies, and that the first few moths of life are like the "fourth" trimester..... I think it would REALLY help you out!

Yep, we both read the book before ODS was born, as well as watched the video. This time we just watched the video, but since our boys are only 19 months apart, we remember the 5 s's REALLY well. The 5 s's would calm ODS, but do nothing for this LO.

[claras_mom]

I would be frustrated w/ your dh.

more to say, but nak.

[fairymom]

bak

i would be frustrated w/dh too but once i cooled down i'd probably realize that dh is probably just as frustrated too maybe more so...because even you -magic mama- can't get lo calm and typically dads look for moms to lead. maybe try taking turns getting out once daily- even just for 30 mins would help you both. i have no great advice w/lo's crying and not sleeping but send hugs.

[racie0417]

Originally Posted by fairymom

bak

i would be frustrated w/dh too but once i cooled down i'd probably realize that dh is probably just as frustrated too maybe more so...because even you -magic mama- can't get lo calm and typically dads look for moms to lead. maybe try taking turns getting out once daily- even just for 30 mins would help you both. i have no great advice w/lo's crying and not sleeping but send hugs.

I think you are right. We are kind of both at a loss of what to do when nursing and the 5 s's don't work. With ODS, nursing solved all crying, at least temporarily and always worked to get sleepy baby to sleep. Now, he'll pull off nursing to cry and almost never falls asleep nursing, although he'll get sleepy, then cry harder b/c he cannot sleep. I have done the 5 s's for 9 hours straight with this LO once (with nursing sessions in there of course) and he still stayed awake for 9 hours straight....screaming most of the time.

I cried while I put ODS to bed....for having dealt with 90 minutes of straight screaming, for missing the walk with ODS and DH, for missing most of the day with ODS and feeling out of touch with him, for feeling neglected by DH, and for myself for feeling out of control.

I know DH is exhausted. I know he is frustrated....but he is out of the house for at least 12 hours a day for work most days, while I deal with it non-stop.

[wobblykate]

so sorry. hope your ped visit sheds some light on lo's crying

[Peony]

DD1 was exactly like that, right now to hating everything, slings, carseat, swings, only cat napping, being awake all day long even as a newborn, and then screaming for hours and hours. She had some allergies, but that really wasn't it, it was just her, and she does have sensory processing disorder as well. She is 6y old now and still doesn't need much sleep, is quite the active child, tests the limits of my body and mind every day, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. A little more sleep would be nice though, but her view of the world is quite amazing.



Having a baby is like that is HARD. It is hard on you, your partner, and very hard on a relationship. You exist in survival mode and there isn't much time for reconnecting or discussing the relationship. Not to mention, in the heat of the moment, when baby is screaming and everyone is stressed, feelings get hurt.

[racie0417]

Originally Posted by Peony

DD1 was exactly like that, right now to hating everything, slings, carseat, swings, only cat napping, being awake all day long even as a newborn, and then screaming for hours and hours. She had some allergies, but that really wasn't it, it was just her, and she does have sensory processing disorder as well. She is 6y old now and still doesn't need much sleep, is quite the active child, tests the limits of my body and mind every day, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. A little more sleep would be nice though, but her view of the world is quite amazing.



Having a baby is like that is HARD. It is hard on you, your partner, and very hard on a relationship. You exist in survival mode and there isn't much time for reconnecting or discussing the relationship. Not to mention, in the heat of the moment, when baby is screaming and everyone is stressed, feelings get hurt.

Thank you for your experience. My ODS only sleeps about 10 hours a day total (about 8 hours at night and a 2 hour nap), so this isn't new to me. I've read "Raising Your Spirited Child" to help give me perspective for managing ODS. I was really hoping to "catch a break" with this LO and have the type of child I see friend's have....and everyone assured me there was no way I'd have two high needs babies.....and while I knew that wasn't true, I never thought it possible for there to a baby who slept LESS than ODS, be MORE sensitive, etc.

So far, today is better with my LO....although ODS is having a bad day, so I guess it is always something.

[Murph12334]

men! They don;t understand how easy they have it.

I try explaining it to my dh and he doesn't get it. He has the luxury of doing what he what when he wants. My first thought and priority is the kids. DS won't take a bottle so right now he's with me 24/7.

Last night dh got in a tizzy because he had to eat last. WAH, cry me a river. I was taking care of my child who was hungry. Me and ds were out grocery shopping and got back late. DH fed dd when we were out. He was in a bad mood because i took so much time (had to feed ds twice). I informed him there was nothing saying or preventing himself from getting up and sticking something in his mouth and to get over it. My children are my priority, not him.

sorry to rant there...

anyways they don't get it when you've delt with a screaming baby all day, plus another child. It's just really hard. Dh can barely take 10 minutes of the crying without handing ds back to me.

I wish they could be in our shoes for a day and have to put up with everything, including themselves. They have no idea.

[wobblykate]

okay, my dh is at work so I'll respond. He is a WONDERFUL father. But, he's a man and their instincts aren't always as good as ours. Like the blowing in the face thing...what was he thinking, right? Well, he didn't know what to do. My dh is constantly doing things that astound me. Making weird laser noises just as the baby's falling asleep. Tickling her when it's obviously not making her happy. But he tries and he's a great dad. He's constantly saying, "do we have a fussy baby" and I have to explain to him that we have it very, very lucky. I can't imagine what he'd do if we had a high needs infant like you do. I'm sure he'd really be at a loss. Good luck.

[Murph12334]

oh and my dh thinks the blowing in the face works -

[claras_mom]

I think that these times--having a newborn and an older child--are a true test of a relationship. Things that are sort of OK normally suddenly aren't. My dh, for example, is not in the habit of calling if he'll be home late from work; not a huge deal, since we're talking the difference between 5:15 and 6:00. But if dd1 is throwing a hissy fit at the same time that dd2 needs feeding and attention at the same time that dinner needs to be cooked...then it's really annoying.

Is your dh--oh, how to put it? Does he have a sort of tunnel vision ever? As in: One of the first nights I was home post-partum (c/s; was gone four days), dd1 and dd2 and I were snuggled down on the sofa. I was in the midst of a major reconnect with dd1: I'd cooked dinner (not grandma), we were watching a video; then I'd promised a quick "mama bath" (I wash her), stories and bed. Yes it was getting late, but there was a lot of good happening; we were all sleepy and snuggly and not throwing screaming hissy fits.

Anyway, dh stood in front of us and said to dd (in a tired, borderline crabby voice), "time to turn off the video and get ready for bed." I was pretty pissed. Granted, I may not have totally communicated my intention to him, but he was so fixated on re-establishing a normal schedule that he seemed to have missed what was happening. I didn't tell him how annoyed I was--I'm not sure he'd have gotten it, because he was and is very focused on getting dd to bed at a reasonable hour--though I also didn't let him destroy what I'd promised dd.

Hindsight is 20/20--OP, if something like this happens again, I'd suggest you keep getting ready while your dh works to calm the screaming baby. Or better yet, find a way to talk calmly about what happened, in hopes that he'll modify his attitude.

[peilover010202]

I would have been annoyed too. Having a newborn and an older child is rough stuff! I know that I struggle with giving them all the one on one time they need, feel guilty when it can't happen, etc. BUT, I have also found that helping dh strengthen HIS bond with our boys during this time helps immensely. So, I really foster that. dh takes our older boys on bike rides several nights a week, he takes them to the park, takes them swimming. When Ian gets a bit older, I'll rejoin many of those activities. But for now, I NEED to connect with him, build that bond (which has already formed, but strengthen it).

I do agree that you should check with your ped about possible reflux. If he's popping off the breast and screaming, that is a sign that it could be reflux. I'm sure part of it is sleep deprivation for him too, but who could sleep when your esophagus and belly feel like they are on fire?

Also, try to get out for a short bit each day. Let your dh take lo while you take ods and a short walk or go it alone.

I also feel like building a bridge with dh helps us laugh about discouraging days. I tell dh "I'm so stressed out today. Do you ever feel like that? Like nothing you do is working/helping? Do you have any ideas that could make this better for all of us?" Make it a team effort. Help him feel like it's okay to be stressed/discouraged and that hopefully together you can make it better.

GL mama, I sure hope your ped can give you some good advice.

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by claras_mom

I think that these times--having a newborn and an older child--are a true test of a relationship. Things that are sort of OK normally suddenly aren't. .

Yes it is hard, I can't imagine adding a screaming newborn to the mix! So sorry Racie!

Have you tried a pacifier? I'm still up in the air about it but if she were screaming all the time I'd try it. Right now we are pnly using it in the car and it saves my sanity sooo much! It hasn't affected nursing either.

Also gripe water? We use it to curb hiccups at night and also when she just isn't consolable any other way we've tried.

LO definatly has specific things she likes, being bounced and patted when tired (she screams for a few min if she doesn't fall asleep immediatly), walking in moby wrap, being rocked upright (hates being cradled unless nursing). She will do the swing/bouncy seat but not when upset. They are picky straight from the womb, crazy isn't it!

Anyway, DH is a great father, but he will try to play with LO when she's upset...I keep telling him she doesn't get that yet. He also gets very frustrated fast when she is screaming. I have a hard time letting him have her at night as I'm afraid he may fall asleep with her in arms and he's a deep sleeper, but he insisted last night as I was crying from being sooo tired and he said they would be fine, and they were. Also he will let her cry in bouncer/swing/floor while doing other things cause he can't seem to get how to multitask while holding a baby. That frustrates me as then I'm the one who has to get her and also finish doing what I"m doing yet he gets to do everything baby free...I guess that's just what being a mom is.

[wobblykate]

Originally Posted by Murph12334

oh and my dh thinks the blowing in the face works -

sure it works...if your intention is to make the baby scream!

Originally Posted by peilover010202

I do agree that you should check with your ped about possible reflux. If he's popping off the breast and screaming, that is a sign that it could be reflux. I'm sure part of it is sleep deprivation for him too, but who could sleep when your esophagus and belly feel like they are on fire?

And now that you mention it, my dd pops off the boob when I have overactive letdown. She chokes and sputters and often gives up and has to try again later. Of course, this doesn't make for a very happy girl.

[racie0417]

Thanks everyone for the thoughts, hugs, and stories of other clueless DH moments. My DH is an amazing father to our toddler and is generally helpful, so he'd probably just haad enough of LO after a 3 day weekend of screaming.

We do use a pacifier, and we do give gripe water.

I thought about overactive letdown b/c I remember ODS's reaction to that, but LO pulls off after let-down. His doesn't have a bottle preference as we don't give bottles. I am guessing reflux is the cause, especially with lack of sleep, lots of screaming, arching of the back, and some other symptoms.

Sometimes I wish women could live in a community of others with similarly aged babies for the first year of life.

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by racie0417

Thanks everyone for the thoughts, hugs, and stories of other clueless DH moments. My DH is an amazing father to our toddler and is generally helpful, so he'd probably just haad enough of LO after a 3 day weekend of screaming.

We do use a pacifier, and we do give gripe water.

I thought about overactive letdown b/c I remember ODS's reaction to that, but LO pulls off after let-down. His doesn't have a bottle preference as we don't give bottles. I am guessing reflux is the cause, especially with lack of sleep, lots of screaming, arching of the back, and some other symptoms.

Sometimes I wish women could live in a community of others with similarly aged babies for the first year of life.

Sounds like you've tried everything. I have Overactive letdown too, but my LO just goes right back even after a huge gag fit and loosing her breath. Block feeding is helping.

I second living in a community of other mamas! Where should we all move to???