Frustrated with DH--am I alone? - Page 2

[dawncayden]

One thing dh said to me when I was telling him one time that dads just 'don't get how hard it is to be a mom'.
He said but you get to 'be MOM', do you know how special that is? Everyone loves their mom and has a special bond with the person that birthed them and took care of them through the worst of it.
He said he wished 'Dad' had the same relationship with the kids but it will always be backseat to Mom.
He also wishes he could be a stay at home dad and I could go to work. He wishes he could have boobs, so he could help feed (we don't do bottles)

It was a great conversation, and I do still remind him to help me when I need it. But it was great to hear that he was envious of moms.


Where is the 'blow in their face' from? Dh does this too. It works, mind you...but is there a secret dad book that tells them to try it?

[Sasharna]

I blow in their faces. Sometimes it works! Nobody ever told me to do it. I think of it a bit like changing the subject or saying "Look! There's Superman!"

I'm told I'm a bit mannish though, so go figure.

Racie, I am sorry to hear your LO is so tough to console. My first DS was like that. My marriage at the time (different man from now) was bad anyhow, but I think hearing a little baby cry like that so many hours of the day can make almost anybody behave in a snappy way. I hope you and your DH get some more opportunities to connect soon.

One thing I was thinking while reading your post... would it be possible for your DH to give you a break so you can have a walk all on your own? Most nights here, after baby is asleep I take my cell phone and go out walking/jogging for half an hour or so. I just loop around the block a bunch of times so that if the baby wakes and DP can't console him, he can call me and I will be back home in a jiffy. It's really nice to have some quiet time outside in the cool night air, to think and unwind.

[fairymom]

I am feelin frustrated at the moment too. He's a great man- strong work ethic, trying real hard to be supportive of me and just to be a al around good dad. BUT RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT he's driving me crazy. Works full time and has picked up a side job making booth benches for his work and has been at that ALL THE TIME (in what little free time he has).I am talking from the time he comes home from work till bed time- barely even taking time to eat dinner w/us.

I need a break from all of this- the kids, cleaning, and being alone. I was taking a nap earlier when he got home and he just left w/o telling anyone where he was going (no note or message via child).I woke up and had no idea where he was or when he'd be back. So frustrating to try and run a house around something like that.

Yes I know he's doing it all for us (we need the $ ) but at least TRY and communicate!

[heatherweh]

OMG I am so sorry that your baby is so miserable right now! Poor little thing! I just can't deal with crying either, it really sets my nerves on edge and when its at night and DH is gone I start getting jumpy and edgy. Mine has fussy periods too, though not usually as long as yours it seems. I also have crazy milk that leaves him gasping and gets him frustrated and riled up whrn it should be calming him down. :-(

Agree with pps about trying to find the cause of crying, trying different things- Hylands colic tablets seemed to work really quick the other night for my screamer, it literally depends on the screaming fit what remedy will work. Gripe water hasn't worked yet. Those gas drps seem to help sometimes. My pediatrician said that Culturelle is 85% more effective than the gas drops and we have noticed improvement (its those healthy probiotics so you can find them in other forms too). Sometimes going outside helps, sometimes a bath (I mean in the big tub with me so he can move his arms and legs through the water), sometimes I have to give him to someone and walk away and let him cry.

I know I'll get flamed if I say men just don't get it, how can I put that in a better light... they're just wired differently (for the most part with some exceptions).

The hardest thing to do is step back from it when you're in the thick of it. I try to tell myself "We're both doing the best we can". Its harder to convince myself of that without being sarcastic in my head like, oh yes the best he can do is take care of himself first and then give the rest of us a little bit of what's left, but in any case theoretically we are both doing the best we can. That melancholy country song about "It won't be like this for long" helps me too (I know that probably sounds ridiculous).

Oh and in the wake of how Jon and Kate (of the famed plus 8) have fallen apart lately, one of the reruns showed her snipping at him and him saying "Your way isn't the only way" and that actually hit home with me like a dagger to the heart. I have to try and remember that because my initial and repeating thought is that DH is inept and negligent, but again I need to remind myself we're all trying to do what we can and I need to bite my tongue if I ever expect anyone to help me. I can't imagine helping someone and them complaining because I didn't do it the way they would, but yet we do that to one another.

Also agree with pps that you need the break and deserve to be able to have a walk, so just find a time that works and go for it. OR you can wear your LO and walk, that will hopefully make him stop crying too!

*Not saying that you're doing this, but sometimes it helps calm me when I think DH is being...ugh... so maybe it will help otherwise disregard and chalk this up to a cathartic exercise for me and drivel for you*

[racie0417]

Fairymom--HUGS. I cannot imagine having DH gone that much right now.


We are back from the Ped appointment, and we listened to me. All it took was her hearing that he arches his back when he cries and she said "reflux" and we came home with some Zantac. I am hoping it helps.

Last night was rough between me and DH. He took LO once begrudingly and within 5 minutes put him on the bed and left the room. : LO was awake for 7 hours straight and of that, DH dealt with him for 5 minutes and still needed to walk away? 6 hours in, I asked him to take over as my back was really hurting, and he refused. By that point, I had nothing more left to give, so I stopped bouncing on the exercise ball (the only thing that was keeping LO from screaming was my bouncing). When I stopped bouncing, LO started screaming. I just held him and talked soothingly while he screamed for 40 minutes. DH just sat there and watched us. After 40 minutes, LO passed out from exhaustion. I felt awful doing nothing to stop by the screaming, but I had no more energy left and was in exrutiating pain. I haven't talked to DH since.

I keep telling myself that it will get better, but I feel like DH has given up on LO and me, and I don't have the energy to be the bigger adult right now, you know?

[bodhitree]

I don't have any advice to add, I just wanted to say I am so sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope the Zantac helps. And this difficult phase can't last forever, right?

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by racie0417

Fairymom--HUGS. I cannot imagine having DH gone that much right now.


We are back from the Ped appointment, and we listened to me. All it took was her hearing that he arches his back when he cries and she said "reflux" and we came home with some Zantac. I am hoping it helps.

Last night was rough between me and DH. He took LO once begrudingly and within 5 minutes put him on the bed and left the room. : LO was awake for 7 hours straight and of that, DH dealt with him for 5 minutes and still needed to walk away? 6 hours in, I asked him to take over as my back was really hurting, and he refused. By that point, I had nothing more left to give, so I stopped bouncing on the exercise ball (the only thing that was keeping LO from screaming was my bouncing). When I stopped bouncing, LO started screaming. I just held him and talked soothingly while he screamed for 40 minutes. DH just sat there and watched us. After 40 minutes, LO passed out from exhaustion. I felt awful doing nothing to stop by the screaming, but I had no more energy left and was in exrutiating pain. I haven't talked to DH since.

I keep telling myself that it will get better, but I feel like DH has given up on LO and me, and I don't have the energy to be the bigger adult right now, you know?

You asked your dh to help because you were in pain and he refused? It's not on you to be the bigger adult right now. :

[wobblykate]

I'm sorry, racie. I hope the Zantac works for your sake and baby's. How horrible of your dh. It's obvious the little one's in pain, too.

[racie0417]

One more update....

Things went MUCH better with DH last night. He admitted that he feels like LO hates him as he is always screaming and that he really doesn't like the baby stage anyway and just feels more connected to our 21 month old. Basically, he has no interest in dealing with our LO. I know he is an amazing father to our toddler, so I am not concerned about him saying that....and am just glad he was honest with me. LO will not be so little forever, and I know DH will fall in love with him as he sees LO respond to him. After all, right now all LO wants to do is stare at me.

As far as us, he basically feels like I treat him like a roommate.....and in all honesty, I have been. I am all touched out most days and give everything to our little boys. It doesn't help that LO doesn't sleep....at all....ever....So the whole time DH is home, LO is awake (and usually screaming) or briefly sleeping but then we are sleeping too. Not sure how we can connect while dealing with a baby that screams every night until 11pm.

[heatherweh]

Originally Posted by racie0417

As far as us, he basically feels like I treat him like a roommate.....and in all honesty, I have been. I am all touched out most days and give everything to our little boys. It doesn't help that LO doesn't sleep....at all....ever....So the whole time DH is home, LO is awake (and usually screaming) or briefly sleeping but then we are sleeping too. Not sure how we can connect while dealing with a baby that screams every night until 11pm.

I so hear you on that one. I know its selfish, but I choose SLEEP. Even over food, and that is really saying something. Sex is so far down that list right now, I mean when I look at the pile of laundry and dishes in the sink and start getting panicky I think it even falls below housework.

So yes, I need to suck it up (no pun intended) and make more of an effort to well, put out. BUT on the other hand, someone once said "sex starts in the kitchen" or something like that, basically meaning that if your SO would help out with the household chores and children and whatnot, or at least pick up after their own selves, that their SO would be more receptive to their advances. I know that's true in my case because I definitely resent his lack of help and I think it does play out in whether or not I'm in the mood, or no mood.

Screaming baby definitely does not enhance the whole experience. that was our interruption the other night and I had the horrifying thought "OMG he's going to still try and finish and I'm going to have to pretend to be into it while the baby is crying in the background".

[racie0417]

Originally Posted by heatherweh

I so hear you on that one. I know its selfish, but I choose SLEEP. Even over food, and that is really saying something. Sex is so far down that list right now, I mean when I look at the pile of laundry and dishes in the sink and start getting panicky I think it even falls below housework.

So yes, I need to suck it up (no pun intended) and make more of an effort to well, put out. BUT on the other hand, someone once said "sex starts in the kitchen" or something like that, basically meaning that if your SO would help out with the household chores and children and whatnot, or at least pick up after their own selves, that their SO would be more receptive to their advances. I know that's true in my case because I definitely resent his lack of help and I think it does play out in whether or not I'm in the mood, or no mood.

Screaming baby definitely does not enhance the whole experience. that was our interruption the other night and I had the horrifying thought "OMG he's going to still try and finish and I'm going to have to pretend to be into it while the baby is crying in the background".

I think you are right about that, although DH does help with housework (and might even do more than I do ). Sometimes I get so consumed with the kids, that I cannot switch gears.

Well, since my last post, things have been better. The screaming is decreasing and LO is falling asleep by 9:30pm which gives us a little time to stay awake and still have energy to get up at 5:30am with ODS.

And, I sucked it up and put out because it was clear to me that DH really needed that to keep going.

[wobblykate]

Well, survived the weekend! I love it when my dh is home, for the most part, but he can be a little stressful and overwhelming. Plus, he's loud. For some reason he finds it necessary to come in every time I've JUST gotten the baby to sleep and start talking. Can he not SEE that's I'm putting her to sleep? I mean, she can sleep through noise, but daddy's her favorite and if he's making a bunch of noise, she's not going to sleep through it! And he's always freaking out about everything we have to get done, so I get stressed and start blitz cleaning and trying to balance the baby. Because if she cries, he just hands her to me. Last night I was folding laundry because there was nowhere left to put clean stuff and baby was lying quietly on the bed and staring at something on the ceiling (probably cobwebs ) and he decided that he needed to entertain her. Fine. But WTF? He sat right on top of my folded laundry!!! I actually stomped my foot . I mean, c'mon, use your ding-dang eyeballs! He'd been on my case all day "there's no way she's awake that long during the week," inferring I wasn't working hard enough while he was at his job. I made the mistake of telling him we slept in until 11:30 on Friday...ugh. Anyway, he's a good guy and we're both stressed, so I can't really yell at him...thanks for letting me vent. Oh, and he's always breaking sh*t. There. I can't fix everything.

[Murph12334]

it's gotten better in our house as well.
I forgot those first few weeks and how everything is just bad. you are just exhausted and nothing around te house gets done. Pair that with a crying babe and it's just horrid.

when i get frusterated with dh it's due to me rarely getting a break from the kids. Yes i'm a sahm and breastfeeding, so that means it's not really going to happen. Sometimes i am envious of his job because he gets time away from them. I love being with them, but even when he clocks out from his job, mine never stops. A sahm is constantly on the clock. When he walks in the doori don;t get to go take a break. Even when i try to take a break the 3 year old will hunt me down. And it's not like i can detact the boob.

Oh and Dawn, I love my dad and mom the same, regardless of her giving birth to me. My dad will always be my dad. He doesn't take a backseat in my mind. I was a daddy's girl growing up, so that probably helped some too. And as young kids they tend to gravitate towards moms more, but it'll all even out in the end.