help with 10 yr old ds

[zjandosmom]

I am at the end of my rope. My ds1 is 10 and 80% of the time is a joy to be around ...the other 20% is hell. He is rude, disrespectful, very hurtful to all around him, yells, spits, cannot keep his mouth shut and will not stay in his room. I have asked him to go to his room to give us some breathing room so things don't escalate, a time-out type thing. I can't leave as i have 3 other kids. I don't think it's fair to the other kids to listen to him spew such hateful words to anyone in his path. I don't even know where to start as nothing seems to matter to him. Tonight I collected all his keys (he has a massive key collection and it is much loved) and told him he would have to earn them back. He then proceded to spit (I cannot believe I have a child who would do this) at his Dad. WTH. How did this happen. We have always tried to parent respectfully, not spank, listen, etc. This is our return? My husband wants to spank. I know that is not the answer (and so does he) but I am not sure what the answer is. This kid is hard. He has always been hard but things have been so much easier than when he was a baby/toddler. Things have gotten bad within the last 6 months. The lack of respect has me floored and my dh REALLY upset. Please help.

**He is a model child at school. The entire school raves about what an amazing, sweet, trustworth, respectful kid he is. I feel cheated that we don't get that same kid at home.

[~D~]

Originally Posted by zjandosmom

I am at the end of my rope. My ds1 is 10 and 80% of the time is a joy to be around ...the other 20% is hell. He is rude, disrespectful, very hurtful to all around him, yells, spits, cannot keep his mouth shut and will not stay in his room. I have asked him to go to his room to give us some breathing room so things don't escalate, a time-out type thing. I can't leave as i have 3 other kids. I don't think it's fair to the other kids to listen to him spew such hateful words to anyone in his path. I don't even know where to start as nothing seems to matter to him. Tonight I collected all his keys (he has a massive key collection and it is much loved) and told him he would have to earn them back. He then proceded to spit (I cannot believe I have a child who would do this) at his Dad. WTH. How did this happen. We have always tried to parent respectfully, not spank, listen, etc. This is our return? My husband wants to spank. I know that is not the answer (and so does he) but I am not sure what the answer is. This kid is hard. He has always been hard but things have been so much easier than when he was a baby/toddler. Things have gotten bad within the last 6 months. The lack of respect has me floored and my dh REALLY upset. Please help.

**He is a model child at school. The entire school raves about what an amazing, sweet, trustworth, respectful kid he is. I feel cheated that we don't get that same kid at home.

I have the exact situation except the stats are reversed for me & DD. 80% of the time she's hateful, disrespectful, and disobedient to the point that I can't even parent her at these times. 20% of the time (or less) she's ok. She just turned 11 in May. I also get the same rave reviews from the school about her. I can't offer any help (or hope), except that you are not alone, mama.

[lauradbg]

You are very much not alone.

I went looking for help here not too long ago and someone recommended the book, What to do When Your Temper Flares by Dawn Huebner.

It describes how anger feels. It demonstrates ways to cool the fire and gives alternate ways to view problems.

I read it with my son and since incorporating some of the ideas from the book, he has had great times with friends in busy group situations that previously were difficult for him. He also has been able to check himself and not blurt out rude things to my husband, daughter and me when he would have in the past year or so. This is just in the last two weeks. The turnaround was immediate.

He is imperfect, but it is so obvious that he is trying very hard and that it is becoming easier for him to reason instead of flying off the handle when he is upset.

I think a bright, sensitive kid can probably keep it together beautifully throughout the school day, and then by the time they get home they're exhausted. I bet your son is wonderful! We homeschool and I just can't imagine the stress my son would go through to not freely express himself throughout the day. I can't imagine him having to sit still all day long and then not dump on us when he got home.

The book speaks to physical ways to release anger in safe ways and maybe that would benefit your son.

My son is also 10, almost 11. I think there's a whole lot of changes going on in our boys at this age.

again.

[zjandosmom]

Thank you for you responses. It does help to hear I am not alone. I was sitting here feeling like the worst parent ever. I know it is normal to rebel but the disrespect is so upsetting. I will be checking out the book lauradbg suggested, thank you. I just feel so bad that my other kids have to witness these lovely 'explosions'. My ds2 (8) feels like he has to be extra 'good' to make up for his brother. I hate that he feels that way. My ds3 takes the opposite approach and ends up acting like ds1, not what I want.

UGGh. This is so hard. I keep reminding myself that if we don't get a grip on his behavior now we are sunk when he is a teen. Thanks for the hugs and support. Right back at you.
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