What do you expect from your partner?

[lotus.blossom]

(obviously lets keep this thread as respectful as possible)

I am having a hard time controlling my feelings of resentment at the freedom that my dh has/takes advantage of regularly since ds2 has arrived. Obviously I am a SAHM, and he works very hard, but I'm seeing him less and less and feeling really abandoned. He works 50+ hours a week (at home in his basement shop) and it seems that evenings and weekends he tells me he has to work (which he does) and to work on hobby type stuff. He has also been to the movies twice, and takes saunas in the evenings with friends, and goes out for a beer, etc......

What should I expect from him? I am a month out from surgery and am feeling some setbacks this week. Am I unreasonable for wanting him to stay home with me more often? I feel overwhelmed with a newborn screaming, an almost 3 year old being demanding, and having to cook and clean up after a husband who feels that because he owns a business and works hard that he is entitled to being pampered.

Anyone elses DH's work hard yet help you around the house?

I do have to say that he takes DS1 at certain points of the day. He has really stepped up in that department, but still he will take him down to the shop with him. I feel like family time is his absolute last priority.

[Punchy Kaby]

Hugs! It is really tough with a toddler and a newborn. Our boys are about the same age. DH works a lot of nights and it is very hard to get dinner, bath reading and bed for the both of them. Try letting your DH know how you feel. I don't think hanging out with friends more than once a week during this stage is considerate to you. I expect a lot of help from DH. In fact his parents came and they were more work than help and I told DH. He did step up and take care of more chores.

[lil_miss_understood]

All I'm going to say is that I sympathize and will sympathize even more when the new LO comes.
I'm sorry.

[koalove]

not in your ddc but..... i think you need to tell dh how you feel. it sounds like maybe he is escaping to his work to get a break from family, which he did commit to. it sounds too like you are overwhealmed and need his help! if he has to work then he has to work, but he doesnt have to go out for drinks etc. maybe you can schedule family time, or times of the day where he is in charge of the kids and you get a nap/walk/whatever by yourself. my dh works 35-40 hrs a week (i know thats not close to 50) and still, as i am 35 weeks pregnant, does all the dishes, all the laundry, mows and does the strenuous outside yard work, vacumes, makes dinner 3 times a week (i shop and do all the meal planning) and shares equally in childcare for my 4 year old when he is at home. he does it all happily but i definately had to ask for it all. i expect it to continue after the baby is born. he occasionally goes out alone but if it was interfearing with the peace in our family, or my sanity, i would ask him to stop doing it. he was recently offered a promotion and a raise at work but it was with more hours, more responsibility, and much less flexible schedule. we talked about it and while he was excited about the promotion, i had to explain that our whole life, and my happiness (i tend to get ppd) would be affected and he tuned it down. i would be really sad if he didnt make our family a priority~im so sorry your dh doesnt. i guess my whole point is that while i have a really awesome and supportive partner, i have to ask for and explain everything. i think you could try it too~ just tell him what you think and see if he responds well. be specific~ suggest exactly what you want and what time, how often etc.

[Sadie Lake]

I'm sooo sorry April! My dh was kindof that way when dd#1 was born. We had a few really big fights about it. Then his mom told him that his role in those first few months was to take care of me so I could take care of the baby. For some reason that made a big impression on him.

Now, I am pretty demanding of him. He works very hard as a real estate developer and is right in the middle of a huge project, but I still expect that when he comes home he either takes dd while I make dinner, or makes it himself. Usually he ends up cooking and sometimes taking her too so I can check my email or just go zone out.

He's been my savior since dd#2 was born because dd#1 is having a really hard time. I've let her start nursing again, but she's really demanding of me and totally attacks me hitting and pinching if I tell her to wait. So, dh has been pretty much been on daddy duty, coming to my rescue. He has taken her out on errands every day so I could just have time with the baby.

I can't imagine having a major abdominal surgery, a 3yo, and an infant and handling the home too. I don't know how you haven't lost your mind yet!

How does he respond when you talk to him about it? Does he get angry and defensive? If so it probably means he knows how unfair it is and feels guilty about it! I hope he can step up. I know its a really hard transition for most daddys though. I'll bet it'll take a little while, but hopefully he'll come around to seeing things from your point of view. Even the best hubbys have a breaking in period. I'm just sorry it's taking yours all the way to the 2nd child!

Sadie

[~Katie~]

This was a big issue for us when DH started taking on more work around the time that DS turned a year old. What it came down to was the fact that his co-workers and friends were child-less and it was really difficult for him to hear every day how they get to do whatever they want and didn't have to be responsible for anyone but themselves. In a way he kind of rebelled against his obligation to us as a family because he had to let go of the freedom. It was also a self-esteem issue because he felt like all of our time was consumed by taking care of DS and we literally spent zero time together as a couple even when we had the opportunity. It did result in a few fights but he did eventually come around, we talked a lot about how we're never going to get this time back as a family and we don't want to look back with regrets on how we could have spent our time more wisely together. Our children are only little for so long and we want to make the most of it, equal partnership really allows our children to have a strong relationship with both of us. I think what hit home the most is explaining that letting go of the self-serving mindset and dedicating more time to our children is so much more fulfilling in the long run. We also made more of an effort to spend time together in the evenings instead of going off and doing our own thing.

All I can recommend is talking about it and really telling him how you feel, you can sympathize without condoning the behavior because it is a difficult transition to make but I would make it known that for your own well-being you need him to start taking a larger role in helping you out and being present.

[lightheartedmom]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Division of labor always seems to be a tough one in marriage.
PP's are definitely right I think in that you need to talk to your DH. However things come out in the wash, being resentful towards him is only going to make healing more difficult for you.
I don't expect my DH to do really anything around the house except empty the trash. He works very hard on his job and is also under a deadline to finish his Master's thesis this summer, so especially now, even with a newborn in the house, I feel like I have to keep my expectations of him pretty low. But I've always been the one who does all the housework. He does pitch in caring for DD1 though, right now he's been taking her out for a little while each day so she can get some outdoor exercise. He watches both the kids when I need to use the bathroom or shower (but I usually try to time the shower when one or both are sleeping). It also just occurred to me that he has not changed a single diaper with this baby...haha...because I'm nursing, we agreed long ago (with #1) that it worked for me to do the nighttime changings...just because I'm sleep deprived doesn't mean he has to be.
The bottom line is that when DH is not working or working on school, he's almost ALWAYS being with us in one way or another.
I think that your DH needs to understand (or be helped into understanding ;-)) that right now your family requires an extra measure of attention from both parental units. That means you're sacrificing "me time" and sometimes even basics like longer showers and sleep and it means that he needs to be giving up some of his guy time. I'm all for guy time, but there's an appropriate place for it and when your wife has just undergone major surgery and your family is newly expanded, that's not the time for extra self-indulgence.
Maybe you guys can come up with a compromise like - your DH limiting his extracurricular outings (beers, saunas) to once a month until your new LO is three months old and then revisiting whether or not that is working for the family.
Good luck! I hope you two can communicate about it and get things resolved. s

[Amydoula]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

(obviously lets keep this thread as respectful as possible)

I am having a hard time controlling my feelings of resentment at the freedom that my dh has/takes advantage of regularly since ds2 has arrived. Obviously I am a SAHM, and he works very hard, but I'm seeing him less and less and feeling really abandoned. He works 50+ hours a week (at home in his basement shop) and it seems that evenings and weekends he tells me he has to work (which he does) and to work on hobby type stuff. He has also been to the movies twice, and takes saunas in the evenings with friends, and goes out for a beer, etc......

What should I expect from him? I am a month out from surgery and am feeling some setbacks this week. Am I unreasonable for wanting him to stay home with me more often? I feel overwhelmed with a newborn screaming, an almost 3 year old being demanding, and having to cook and clean up after a husband who feels that because he owns a business and works hard that he is entitled to being pampered.

Anyone elses DH's work hard yet help you around the house?

I do have to say that he takes DS1 at certain points of the day. He has really stepped up in that department, but still he will take him down to the shop with him. I feel like family time is his absolute last priority.

This wouldn't fly in my house, my DH works too, as do I but I'm on maternity leave till September. There is no way he would be off doing hobbies and off to the movies, I'd kill him. He is doing all household chores while I heal and rest, my family is helping too, in addition to working. He also helps me in the night between feedings. This is a team effort not just me. I hope you can convince him to help you out!

[j_p_i]

If you're anything like me, you probably struggle with asking for help. I know I have a hard time with this and the baby isn't even here yet! I find that often he doesn't realize when things get hard for me or why, so I've had to find ways to let him know that I need help. Right now my DH is beyond busy, nursing school takes a lot of time (8-4:30, then 3 or more hours of homework 4 days a week!) and then he also works 20 hours a week. When he has a day off, he'll do a little laundry, and he also manages to at least help with dinner each night (sometimes he cooks without my help). I work part time too (mostly from home these days) and make the majority of our income. I also do nearly all the other housework.

I found myself becoming a bit resentful not because I expected him to do more, but because I was having a hard time balancing things for myself. I worried how I would balance all these things and also take care of a baby. I didn't want to ask for help, but he didn't know I needed it. I'm sort of rambling on I guess, my point is that he really stepped up when I just talked about how I was feeling. I didn't bring up what he did or didn't do at all, I told him I was concerned about how I was going to balance all these things. That led to a talk about how he would help me, and how he was going to work on balancing his own stuff (homework, etc).

Anyway, to you mama. I'm here if you need to vent or cry or just need an ear you know!

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

He has also been to the movies twice, and takes saunas in the evenings with friends, and goes out for a beer, etc......

Not fair.

I don't expect my husband to help with housework. But I DO expect him to watch the baby for a few hours on the weekend so that I can clean the house. I don't expect him to get up at 3 am and help with the baby, but DO expecty him to help with her in the evening so that I can shower, eat, and regain sanity. And I'm not even recovering from surgery, or have another child-- it must be much harder for you, and you need help to take care of yourself.

But especially I don't think it's fair for him to be going out without you and leaving you at home by yourself, while he goes to movies, saunas, and beer. I would be very upset.

ETA: And he does work 40-50 hours, which is why I take care of the housework and late-night baby stuff.

[lotus.blossom]

I appreciate all your respectful perspectives!!! I think that I do contribute to the problem by not telling him how I really feel. I try to be a great wife and really chill about things with him and I think he takes advantage of it. Although, when he runs these things by me I sort of hint around that its not ok and he is oblivious to it. So I need to be more firm with my needs.
And yes, he does get defensive and mean when I confront him. But usually its because I am so fed up that I approach it in the wrong manner. Like the other day I told him he was being a "male appendage" and he was sooo upset by it. Like defensive at first and then later he told me he was really hurt by that.

Its just so frustrating that home and work is so blurred by the fact that his work is at home. So he never really "punches out" and comes home for the night. He is constantly in and out and working at all hours. I feel kind of bad for busting his balls about working so much because he really needs to, but when he goes down and does hobby stuff when he should be working I can't help but think- hey he could be up here with us!

I think that you all have given me somthing to think about and perhaps we'll have a nice discussion about it with no high emotions involved!

[j_p_i]

I think that's a great idea - have a talk with him about needs and whatnot *before* you are specifically upset about something. That way emotions aren't getting in the way of discussing a real solution.

[russianthistle]

I just expect that dp stays home with me unless it is necessary. We do social things together as a family...or he takes ds1 out when he is doing things about the town or with other families. Babymoon time is time for the family to stick together...it is also time for taking a break from our social circles in my mind...it only lasts so long...

I have to say that I never hint about what I feel w/ dp. I am direct in my communication with him, in almost all cases. We've been together for 9 years, now...I'm not sure if this is why (it's probably not! he probably thinks my directness is mean...but I *HAVE* to be this way for my own sanity).

I think that you do need to be more straight-forward with him. It is not good to harbor negativity in any capacity.

[CanBoo]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

Although, when he runs these things by me I sort of hint around that its not ok and he is oblivious to it. So I need to be more firm with my needs.

I am lucky, DH is helpful, and I think will still be after baby comes, but he's a guy and hints don't work ... I am guilty of forgetting that with DH and that always ends up badly. He just doesn't get hints, or thinks that it doesn't really bother me, since I am not clear about it.

[lotus.blossom]

Yeah, true. Hints don't work!! I have a hard time being direct though. I tend to be passive aggressive with him. Something I have to work on!!
I think I can trace this back to the fact that my mother stayed with us for 3 weeks. She sort of stepped in and took care of everything which allowed him to escape to his shop (I think he felt like he wasn't needed in the house.)

So in order to get what I need I have to just tell him.

And I can trace it back even forther......I think I am harboring feelings from the very beginning of this whole thing. He didn't stay with me in the hospital because he had to be home for ds1 and I felt very alone from that, especially since that hospital I had my c/s at doesn't have a nursery and rooming in is so hard when you are recovering from a c/s with no help (besides nurses)

[Punchy Kaby]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

I appreciate all your respectful perspectives!!! I think that I do contribute to the problem by not telling him how I really feel. I try to be a great wife and really chill about things with him and I think he takes advantage of it. Although, when he runs these things by me I sort of hint around that its not ok and he is oblivious to it. So I need to be more firm with my needs.
And yes, he does get defensive and mean when I confront him. But usually its because I am so fed up that I approach it in the wrong manner. Like the other day I told him he was being a "male appendage" and he was sooo upset by it. Like defensive at first and then later he told me he was really hurt by that.

Its just so frustrating that home and work is so blurred by the fact that his work is at home. So he never really "punches out" and comes home for the night. He is constantly in and out and working at all hours. I feel kind of bad for busting his balls about working so much because he really needs to, but when he goes down and does hobby stuff when he should be working I can't help but think- hey he could be up here with us!

I think that you all have given me somthing to think about and perhaps we'll have a nice discussion about it with no high emotions involved!

This is how I tend to be also. We have been working on it through couples therapy and although it is not easy for me to be direct I just do it before I get frustrated. It was really hard for me to speak to him about any issues without getting teared up, but the more I do it the better I get.

Hopefully he will listen to your needs and step up to his role. I don't think it is unreasonable to have him set his hours in the shop right now. Maybe you can work it out so that every few hours you get a break and he can come up to relieve you?

I hear you about being alone in the hospital. I stayed for only 24 hrs, but after DH left it was sooo lonely.

[surprisedmama]

OMG April we have the same husband!!!!!! Mine works from home on a computer which drives me nuts. My mom came and helped out a lot during bed rest and after Liam was born, while my husband took advantage and snuck back to his office. I was also at the hospital all alone while he was with the kids. (which my OB and midwives said was perfectly normal having other kids at home) I don't really have any suggestions but I do have to say it is OK and normal to have mad feelings towards your husband and good for you for posting and getting it off your chest. I always call my mom to vent she reminds me of all of his good qualities and I get it off my chest and everything is better.

I grew up without a father and it has taken me a long time to allow DH to do things. Sometimes I also prefer to ask my mom to do stuff rather than him. Which doesn't help in the long run. I am learning to have a husband and not do everything!!! THe more I "let" him do the more he does.... funny huh! But I love him, my life, my kids and the grass is never greener.

You are normal and have a normal relationship. Sometimes that is nice to hear.