Would this make you uncomfortable? - Page 2

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

My mom will be 60 this year. They are very straightlaced, "uptight" (for lack of a better word) people. But my mom is OBSESSED with undergarments and how people look in them, and whether they fit right. Never mind that she dressed me inn outdated clothes, forced me to go to school wearing a little girl's slip and tights--no bra-- when I was 12 and 13 years old to get humiliated in the locker rooms at school. It's all about the underwear. She will still tell me to pull up my dress so she can see how my underwear fits, and I'm 22.

If you're doing this, stop now. I know you have a problem, because this is an established pattern, but your mom is way outside normal boundaries. How your underwear fits is absolutely none of her business. It's none of her business whether or not you have any on!

She comments all the time on how she can see people's panties under their clothes, or their nipples, or their bra wasn't the right kind. i have never known anyone who cared as much as she does about those things.

Think about this for a second. If you were talking about a man, most people would probably be assuming he was some kind of sexual predator. Honestly...the more you say about your mother, the more she creeps me out.

I'm sure my friend was astounded to have someone else's mother give her granny panties and basically imply that she was immodest.

umm...if that had been me, I may or may not have said anything to you, but I'd have tried hard to totally avoid your mom after that...and I wouldn't have ever set foot in your house again.

And, none of this screams "uptight and in her 60s". It screams "creepy". I'm beginning to realize that I have a lot of gender assumptions in my makeup that I didn't know were there, because if this was a man we were talking about, I'd have no doubt that he's a sexual predator, yet I'm hesitant to say that about your mom.

Mind you, some of your dad's comments are equally creepy, and the fact that he has presumably stood by all these years while your mom sexually violated you doesn't say much for him, either.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

umm...if that had been me, I may or may not have said anything to you, but I'd have tried hard to totally avoid your mom after that...and I wouldn't have ever set foot in your house again.

Well, my mom has this friend's family convinced that I need help that can only be gotten from her (my mom). So they actually encouraged me not to mvoe away from her, because she "is looking out for me." Although....my friend has not said a whole lot to me since that incident happened. Before that, though, they were sold. now, maybe they're not so sure.

[peainthepod]

Hi, waiting2bemommy. I'm so sorry you are enduring this.

Your parents are sexually and emotionally abusive and I implore you with every bone in my body to never, ever, ever leave them alone with your child. Your mother's insistence that you leave your son to sleep alone, combined with her history of "making rounds" (like a prison guard?) at night is especially disturbing. That and your parents' comments about your body and your sex life and just...ugh, just all of it. ALL of it is bad enough on its own, but taken together it is absolutely horrifying.

Take your child and get out of there as soon as humanly possible. A women's shelter would be a much better environment for your child. I am completely serious when I say I fear for his sexual and mental safety if he has to spend another night with your parents.

I'm so, so sorry. Please know that this is NOT normal, this is NOT your fault, your parents ARE abusive and sound extremely sick, to say the least. Trust your intuition and get the hell out of Dodge. My heart is racing just from reading your posts. Something is very wrong here.

[Jojo F.]

It sounds like your mother has issues of her own she needs to be working through and is now passing them onto you. She seems VERY old fashioned, obsessively. Creepy?, yes, but it still seems\ to me that your mother or father had some serious sh*t going down when they were younger too. KWIM?

Please remove yourself and your family from the situation. I know it's easier said than done but, if at all possible, leave. That's not a healthy environment for you to be in...

[eepster]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

By monitor I mean she would make me open my mouth so she could check and see if they were clean. She would do this in front of other people.

This would make me uncomfortable,

At my 10th grade orchestra concert she sent someone on stage to tell me to close my legs because she could see my vagina from her seat. i'm very sure she could NOT....I was wearing underwear and good orchestra posture means my legs weren't exactly spread eagle.

but this is truly over the top. It frankly makes me feel your mom has mental issues.

Then this weekend, ds was on the potty and my dad walked by and said, "your little ding ding is sticking straight up. don't you know you need to point it down?" I know it was a harmless comment, but it set me on edge. Am i overreacting?

I don't think you are overreacting. The statement in and of itself is harmless. I remind DS to point his down when he's using the potty, so he doesn't pee on the back of his pants. However, considering the history in your family, and the way it's worded "sticking straight up" I probably would be freaked by it.

[RiverSky]

After you move, are you going to cut yourself off entirely from your parents? I really, REALLY hope so. And honestly, the way your mother and father have acted in the stories in this thread...sound like abuse right there. Yikes! Terrifying!

[eepster]

I started writing my post before this posted.

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

Well, my mom has this friend's family convinced that I need help that can only be gotten from her (my mom). So they actually encouraged me not to mvoe away from her, because she "is looking out for me." Although....my friend has not said a whole lot to me since that incident happened. Before that, though, they were sold. now, maybe they're not so sure.

This makes me really worry about you and your childs safety. It is a move to try to prevent you from apearin to be a competent adult. This may be leading up to things like trying to get custody of you DS (can't be sure obviously, but it's a possibility.)

I would leave as soon as possible. A shelter, or a friend are possibilities if you have no way to move out on you own in the near future. Frankly unless you exDH was abusive (in your opnion, not in your parents,) I think you'd be safer with him.

[straighthaircurly]

Not normal in my family but I have a friend whose MIL does stuff like this. We all think she is quite "crazy".

[Anglyn]

Read the book "Toxic Parents", it helped me a lot

[calmom]

first of all, the fact that you're seeing this as abnormal is great! you are already breaking this unhealthy cycle with your own son.

my mom or i might whisper to my little sister that her bra strap is showing and fix it for her (she's 16) before she leaves the house and my grandma is a little more critical and she might tell another woman in the family that their top looks a little too revealing but that is as far as that kind of thing goes in my family.

good for you for looking out for your child and recognizing this.

[MittensKittens]

Wow, I am so sorry that is happening to you. Please get out ASAP mama, for your son's sake and your own. Not only are your parents abusive, but the fact they try and manipulate your friends to think YOU are the one with a problem, and in need of help, is very concerning too. Please make sure you get out of this abusive cycle, before your children get damaged by it. And get therapy if you can afford it!

[Adsullata]

Oh mama, lots and lots of to you.

What you describe is NOT old fashioned.

my mom or i might whisper to my little sister that her bra strap is showing and fix it for her (she's 16) before she leaves the house and my grandma is a little more critical and she might tell another woman in the family that their top looks a little too revealing...

That's "old fashioned". OP, what you're describing in your mother sounds like sexual obsession and your parents sound mentally sick. I wanted to cry for you and your little boy when I read your post. As other mamas here have wisely said, please please please get you and your precious little one out of there ASAP. You are not presently safe.

[cappuccinosmom]

No, that is not at all normal. Not at all. There is something very, very, very wrong there. : It puts red flags up all over the place, especially as you think you may have been molested but don't remember who.

And bizarrely, the obsession with other people's private parts, in the guise of "concern for modesty" is about as immodest as you can get.

I know a lot of people who believe in modesty very strongly. I know *nobody* who talks about other people's private parts, pesters them about it, draws attention to it. The people I know who are genuinely are concerned about modesty, if they felt someone was egregiously immodest (say, a tight leather miniskirt and braless tank top walking into a Mennonite church), one or two very sweet ladies would kindly take that person out of the public eye and very gently and quietly express their concern. In our church if a lady's skirt is so short that she's flashing the pastor a view of her panties, someone might quietly pass a scarf down to her and whisper the problem so she can cover up without being humiliate. They wouldn't point, or say "Hey, look at her nipples! Oh my, you can see all the way up her crotch in that skirt!".

[River's mum]

Not normal, not okay at all!

[madsommer]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

I had this really coherent, long post written out and something funky happened and its gone.....grrrr....so, in brief, I am wondering about an issue that's come up AGAIN with my parents.

Ever since I was young, my mom has micromanaged my pero=sonal hygiene, grooming, etc. She had lots of rules about what I could and could not wear and even monitored how I brushed my teeth until well into my mid teens. By monitor I mean she would make me open my mouth so she could check and see if they were clean. She would do this in front of other people. At my 10th grade orchestra concert she sent someone on stage to tell me to close my legs because she could see my vagina from her seat. i'm very sure she could NOT....I was wearing underwear and good orchestra posture means my legs weren't exactly spread eagle. Anyway, that's neither here nor there....but she is still doing it and has been doing it again since I've been staying with her the last few days. I'm wondering if it's me being oversensitive.

I beleive I was molested when I was aboput 3, and from my foggy memories it happened in my own home at night. I'm just worred about my ds, but i don't trust myself enough to know when I'm being overboard or overly critical. It just gives me a "ick" feeling the way my mom is so .....aware... of my private body parts.

Example: I get dressed and come out wearing a cami and jeans. just a regular cami with a built in bra, covers my belly, but i guess from bf-ing my boobs kind of sag in it. My mom says, inf ront of my father, "don't walk around like that in front of my husband. Show some respect for your father. I can see your nipples." my dad chimes in," woah, your nipples are hard as rocks. and i can see your stomach." And my mom says, "bend over so we can see if it's long enough."

Would that exchange make you uncomfortable? I find it humiliating. this is not an outfit to go out in, just something I threw on to grab breakfast. Actually I think I slept in the top the ngiht before.

Or.....before leaving the house, my mom says, "turn around so I can see something." i turn around, and she says to my dad, "look....can't you see her underpants through that skirt? That looks like a thong." And insists that i change underwear.

or buys me underpants/bras, unsolicited, and makes me try them on in front of her "to see if they fit". She even bought my FRIEND underpants because she claimed the ones she was wearing didn't fit properly and she could see them through her clothes. I was beyond embarrassed. Amazingly, the friend didn't take offense.

my father tells me to humor her.

When I got back together with my dh last time, my mom asked me if we were having oral or anal sex. Before we got together, when I was just taking ds for a visit, my dad called me on the phone and quezzed me about where I was sleeping (i.e. in the same bed) and then asked me point blank whether I was having sex with him again. This was my HUSBAND.

all of these examples have taken place in the last several months.

Then this weekend, ds was on the potty and my dad walked by and said, "your little ding ding is sticking straight up. don't you know you need to point it down?" I know it was a harmless comment, but it set me on edge. Am i overreacting?

What do you all think? Are most mothers this intimate with their adult daughters?

I'm actually too in shock to write anything coherent, but wanted to offer you lots of . This is NOT a healthy relationship and I would seriously considering distancing you and your son from your parents until you have sorted these things out with a professional. Always trust your gut instinct. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

[Marsupialmom]

If your dad, stepdad, uncle, or any other male gender person did this you would say and think pervert-abuser-even pediophile.


http://mdsasupport.homestead.com/bls.html

Sexually Abusive Mothers

Mothers often sexually abuse in more than one way, and act independently. The sexual abuse can be violent and physically painful, and take place in the context of emotional and physical abuse as well.

Abusive acts experienced by daughters may include:

Digital penetration or insertion of objects into the vagina or anus
being touched or fondled, or being made to touch or fondle another
oral sex, giving or receiving unnecessary enemas, catheterizations, application of “medicine” to genitals
being watched, (emphisis mine) or being forced to watch her mother bathe, dress, and/or masturbate verbal harassment concerning her sexual development or sexuality (again the bolding is mine)

Mother-daughter sexual abuse is not about homosexuality. In fact, the vast majority of abusers are married and heterosexual. This form of abuse is about a mother’s distorted views about herself and her daughter. The mother may be a survivor of abuse and act out her own experiences with her daughter. The mother may find it unbearable to see any part of herself in her daughter, and displace her own anger and shame over her sexuality onto her daughter. The mother often wishes to dominate and control her daughter, while also seeking emotional support from her, sometimes resulting in a reversal of roles.


*******************
I was not sexually abused by my mom emotionally and physically abuse. My dad was physically abusive -- emotionally until he stop drinking. He/we healed he appologized a lot of his abuse was because of alcholism. The hardest part I had to deal with was the abuse my mom did and tries to do. Society doesn't always want to admit that not all mom's have good intentions. You mom (and dad) past ok a long time ago.

This is an intresting blog http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.b...-abuse-ii.html

You don't remember your molestor or all the events surrounding the situation......with your mom's behavior don't rule out her just because she is your mom. I don't think your dad is innoccent either. Sexual abuse does not always mean penitration or pictures-- It can be the things you have discribed.

[Twinklefeet]

I agree. Not normal, and it doesn't sound like your child is safe. Get OUT of there NOW. Don't go back. And definitely don't let your child out of your sight for ONE SECOND in that house.

[mamazee]

This is an attempt to control through the use of shame. My mom does the same thing, only not as bad. But it's still bad enough that I'm almost estranged from her and limit her access to my children. You are not crazy. It is incredibly unhealthy, and you need to get out as soon as possible.

[Mama.Pajama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

We are going to move in sometime this coming weekend, hopefully. I'm just at a point where I'm too tired to deal with all the ridiculousness....my mom keeps saying I need to leave ds in his room all night which I refuse to do in this house. I'm tempted to telll her I'm doing it and then stay up to see what happens.....she used to "make rounds" as she called it in the middle of the night when I was a kid, to see what everyone was doing. um, sleeping??? it just bothers me. I want to know what the REAL deal is.

I wouldn't take the risk of leaving my son alone with them for one second- I would take him to the bathroom and the shower with me. Your parents sound like they are sexual deviants, and from what you said about your past, it sounds like one if not both of them are predators. Please keep your son away from them- move out of their house, distance yourself from them, and get some help for yourself asap.

[AidansMommy1012]

Oh, mama. It does sound like your parents are predators. It sounds like your mom has some kind of fetish or obsession regarding the whole underwear thing. And it definitely sounds like they are not quite right mentally. I know it sucks and it hurts to have to acknowledge this, but please do, and get out before your son gets sucked into this. This is so very not okay.