How do you handle tantrums?

[Jade's Mom]

My DD will be 3 in July. She seems to have reached that stage where she has the big emotions and is having trouble with them, so we've entered the tantrum stage.

We get a tantrum any time we tell her no, or she can't do what she wants when she wants it.

I know I need to work better on preventing the tantrums, but in the meantime, how do you handle them when they do happen?

Should I just be letting her have her tantrum and have her emotions and be near her, should I be holding her (in a really intense tantrum, trying to talk to her just makes her madder) or something else?

I do nurse her when I can to comfort her, but that's not always possible (like when she's asked to nurse and I've told her we can nurse when I finish what I'm doing...or tell her no because we JUST finished nursing.) I'm not going to nurse for comfort then, because I don't want to send the message that all she has to do is throw a tantrum and she can have what she wants. I'll comfort her in another way then.

[paakbaak]

my son is 3 also, and yes it was very hard for him to deal with his emotions. seems like they get more intense as he gets older...scares me a bit!

anyway, i find it´s alot easier for anyone to understand things, when we are in a high emotional tone : happy, calm, etc. when a kid is crying and throwing a fit, angry, he-she doesnñt understand a word you are saying. plus she is "recording" everything you are saying in that emoitonal state in that negative moment. hard to explain, but easy once you do it...
i tell my son that once he is calm, we can talk about it. but i donñt stay there, unless he can hurt himself, i just let him clam down by himself. and it´s great now, cuz he clams down in one or two minutes, come to me says "i´m fine now, let´s go talk". and we talk about what happened, what he felt, how he feels etc. it´s great!

when he was very little i just let him have the tantrum, but i later realized it was very very hard for him to calm down and always looked to me to calm him down. once i let him do it by himself, he´s great, he really is.

i also believe that a tantrum state is nor a normal and healthy state to be in, regularly. i explained this to him. i alse realize itñs hard at that age to control yourself and to deal and understand your emotions. but when the kid is calm, he understands what he is feeling, he honestly does.

let her have "her" moment, but i would tell her "when you are calm i can help you sort this out, ok?" she will say ok, cry and fit but will calm down and then ou can talk about it

i think i haven´t helped you at all...sorry!

[momma_unlimited]

I really think it depends on the child. My first would calm down easier with me present, even in my lap stroking his hair; my second gets madder if you look in his direction. Usually I set him in a chair or if he's really screeching to the point I can't handle it, in his room (he's only just two but fiercely opinionated... ) and after a minute or so I go to him and ask him if he's ready for a hug and he is 99% of the time.. he just needed a minute to himself to let it all out and then boom, it's over. I don't think there is one *right* answer! Kids are so different, just experiment til you find what is right for you.

If it happens every time you say no, a big thing is saying no almost never. So if she tries to grab something she shouldn't, something like "show mommy how you look without touching" or "leave that on the table and go get your xyz"... works much better for us at preventing conflict.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I agree with saying no as little as possible. Anticipate situations that might be problematic and avoid them. Do just give in, try to outsmart her.

You're right about not giving her what she wants when she has a tantrum. Try to ignor it if you can.

[Jade's Mom]

Part of me wants to walk away when she's having her tantrum.

But, I'm really sensitive about making sure she knows I hear and respect her feelings because my parents didn't value mine and it's had such an affect on my adulthood and the types of people I surrounded myself with up until recently.

I really want to honor her feelings and know it's ok to be feeling whatever she is feeling, but that I'm not going to change my mind. And, I don't want to encourage them...especially when they happen several times a day.

[jojoboy]

My kid is now 3 1/2. So he'll be upset, I'll either comfort him or not, depending on his mood and the indications he gives me. Sometimes he asks me to help him calm down, and I do. Sometimes he's hitting me, and that's when I give him a few moments alone.

Then, when he's calm, and I figure out what happened, I try to go through and help him vebalize his anger/sadness with words instead of with an emotional explosion. I definitely reiterate to him that being sad, or being angry is ok, and I want to know when he's sad and angry.

There was a suggestion in another thread about role-playing the situation again with your suggested response and we sometimes do that too. For example, I take the eggs out of the fridge and crack one open. He has a melt down because he wanted to crack the eggs (but forgot to tell me). After calming down and talking about it with him, I put the eggs back into the fridge, and we start it all over, this time with his saying, "Mommy, could I crack the eggs into the bowl, please?"

I guess for me, I don't want to prevent his emotional response. But I'd like him to be able to calm himself down and communicate his feelings in a socially appropriate way, or maybe the idea is for him to communicate in a way that really lets me know him, lets me know what he's feeling and why he's feeling that way.

[paakbaak]

i agree...depends on the child, their age and you. and the moment, not all tantrums are the same. good luck!

[Jade's Mom]

Originally Posted by jojoboy

My kid is now 3 1/2. So he'll be upset, I'll either comfort him or not, depending on his mood and the indications he gives me. Sometimes he asks me to help him calm down, and I do. Sometimes he's hitting me, and that's when I give him a few moments alone.

Then, when he's calm, and I figure out what happened, I try to go through and help him vebalize his anger/sadness with words instead of with an emotional explosion. I definitely reiterate to him that being sad, or being angry is ok, and I want to know when he's sad and angry.

There was a suggestion in another thread about role-playing the situation again with your suggested response and we sometimes do that too. For example, I take the eggs out of the fridge and crack one open. He has a melt down because he wanted to crack the eggs (but forgot to tell me). After calming down and talking about it with him, I put the eggs back into the fridge, and we start it all over, this time with his saying, "Mommy, could I crack the eggs into the bowl, please?"

I guess for me, I don't want to prevent his emotional response. But I'd like him to be able to calm himself down and communicate his feelings in a socially appropriate way, or maybe the idea is for him to communicate in a way that really lets me know him, lets me know what he's feeling and why he's feeling that way.

Thanks, that's along the lines of what I was looking for. Anyone else got more?

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

I move with my child to another room ask if they want me to stay or go. If they say go I say "okay, let me know when you want me to come back, or come and get me" I prefer to be with them when they have a tantrum - but I respect if they want to be alone too.

[mom2grrls]

I would just be there when she has a tantrum and say i'm here when you're ready for hugs(or whatever). They get stressed the same as we do and more often b/c they're being told what to do or not to do a lot. Offer choices, remove no from your responses/directions and make sure you're aware what is age appropriate for 3.5 so you're not expecting too much.