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I don't know why I bother... - Page 2

post #21 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by flapjack View Post


In your shoes, I'd be opening a personal savings account that he doesn't know about and getting some money put aside, in addition to counselling.
umm...yeah.

OP: I don't frequent this forum, as we don't really have any "step" issues (ds1 is dh's stepson, but his bio-dad isn't in the picture). However, sometimes, something catches my eye, and this thread did. Your OP doesn't sound like a blended/step issue - it sounds like an emotionally and verbally abusive spouse issue. I hope you can get a better/more accessible therapist, but I'd start making some back-up plans, too. Asking your opinion on things, then turning it into a fight, and calling you names isn't about your dsd, or about you. His behaviour is totally out of line.
post #22 of 31
It sounds like your dh has a whole bunch of very big issues and you are paying the price for them. I'm so sorry you are going through this. What he is doing to you is really unfair. I think in some deep place he's deeply unsatisfied and unhappy with a lot of things about his life and wants you to somehow "make it all better". And that is just not going to happen. He has to come to terms with the fact that he does not live with his daughter full-time; that must be very painful for him.

But he needs to figure these things out. And you can't be his punching bag while he does. You can understand and sympathize with what he's dealing with but that does not excuse him treating you so terribly. And you can't internalize that it's your fault somehow. It's not. It's his issues. I think you need to make that clear to him. I think you need to say that you will emotionally support him, that you love him and your stepdaughter and value your family. But that he cannot treat you this way and if he persists in doing so that he risks losing you - and I might add, his shot at raising his daughter with you. He needs to know that. Maybe that will motivate him to get the help he needs. If not, you need to do what's best for you and your daughter.
post #23 of 31
I am sorry you are going through all of this! I have read several posts/threads (not all, though) by you and I have to ask, Do you recognize his behavior as abusive?

We all go through difficult times and don't treat each other well at times, but this seems to be the predominate theme in your writings. It is true that when we vent, we vent about the things that are not going well. It is just that the things that aren't going well are abusive in my opinion.

What incredible pressure you must have on you with a new baby and all. Of course he is stressed out as well. It would be different if he said something abusive only once (heck, one could argue that we have all been abusive at times--yelling at someone is using force), it just seems to happen a lot. And making you responsible for how he feels and acts is a giant red flag.

More hugs!! Wishing you peace.
post #24 of 31
Your dh has HUGE issues and he is taking them out on you. I'd definately be quietly opening a savings acct, talking to a lawyer and trying to find a way out of this mess.
post #25 of 31
I'd decide who you want to be, either his wife and punching bag (even if only verbal/emotional), or a strong effective parent to your child, because while he is behaving like this, you can't be the whole, healthy parent your child deserves.

If this were a one time thing I'd suggest working on it. It's not been a one time thing, and if you choose to stay with a man who treats you this way on a regular basis, you are choosing to teach your daughter to expect to be treated like this as she grows up.

Yes, being a solo parent can be tough, but it's a heck of a lot easier and healthier than being in an abusive relationship.
post #26 of 31
Thread Starter 
Thanks again everyone.

He apologized for the other day. Said that he always overeacts whenever he senses that someone is even hinting that he doesn't care about his daughter enough. Which again isn't precisely what I said, but I was trying to make it clear that his sometimes more laid back approach could really bite him later and I am tired of hearing him whine about these things when he isn't pro-active from the start... and then of course he can't take anyone's advice on a different approach.


Maybe I have a slow learning curve or something... Basically I accept the apology and move on... hoping he doesn't make me feel like crap again.

I just know he wouldn't be able to survive without me and I don't think I could live with myself knowing that and putting him in that position... I know, I know... the next line of thinking is he ultimately put himself in that position because he sucks at talking to people and treating them well...

I really want him to go into counseling for himself... I think he really needs it. But I don't know if he will ever really see that and admit it and do something about it...

I could try to write another letter and say that is part of an ultimatum deal... but gosh that is a terrifying thought.

I know the circle of him blowing up and apologizing happens far too often... I do know this deep down... But I can't even dream of leaving him, granted most of that circles around financial reasons. I wouldn't have any kind of chance of living on my own and would be destined to live with my parents who honestly would drive me more insane within a week's time.

My Mother can be very unsupportive of my parenting choices and it gets to me so incredibly much. I get so stressed out by her constantly telling me how to parent my DD and get on me about giving her cereal. I have heard this for the past month and a half now how I need to be giving her cereal. Or anytime we go somewhere, "why can't you just bring a bottle?" "why, Mom, I got everything I need attached to my body."



I'm sorry for ranting and taking up your time... I know nothing will ever change... My parents won't support me leaving a second marriage, especially with a child involved, and there is no way I could afford to make it on my own... so I do my best at staying sane and "not rocking the boat" so to speak I guess.
post #27 of 31
It sounds like the best thing you could do for yourself would be to work towards putting yourself in a position where you could make it on your own more comfortably. Even if that takes time, knowing that you are working on that could feel really positive to you.


Being a single mom can be tough, I walked away from all the stability and financial support and it took me three years to get the courage to do so, and it was hell for the next year and a half, but I did it, and it feels so good to know that I am with my husband (I've remarried) because I choose to be, and not because I feel stuck.

I really hope things improve for you, but sometimes I'm a bit jaded when the perpetrator isn't willing to actively seek help.
post #28 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
I wouldn't have any kind of chance of living on my own and would be destined to live with my parents who honestly would drive me more insane within a week's time.
Just posting to say that I absolutely thought the same thing, and it took actual separation for me to learn differently. In my case, the stars aligned just right to make the separation happen without my input-- my (ex)husband's company went bankrupt and stopped paying him (losing nearly 2/3 of our income), and he left to go "find himself" 3,000 miles away, virtually unreachable unless he called me, which he did infrequently. What seemed like an incredible hardship forced upon me turned out to be a blessing, and I was fortunate enough to be in a place that I could see it as such, as I discovered that if I had to, I could... and discovered that, even with the financial hardship, I was ultimately happier and healthier without him.

I have complete faith that you, should you chose to pursue a different life for yourself and your daughter, could do it if you have to. I also know it took a long time for me to get there, and many many many cycles of apologies and forgiveness.
post #29 of 31
My heart aches for you.
post #30 of 31
JsMa,

You sound defeated. Certainly, you need to lay off this man's parenting but that does not excuse his behavior to you. You get to choose what kind of treatment you will accept from people and you are making a choice even when you put off making one....

As far as not being able to leave him and make it. You have a pretty good job, right? I know you think you can't make it but there are plenty of us who have made out alright and lots of us haven't had half the resources you do.
post #31 of 31


My darling, enough about other people and their needs and values, because you are important too. Please, do whatever it takes to be proud of you. The time might not be right now, but it will be.
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