Teasing and Logical Consequences

[umsami]

So, DS1, 5-1/2, loves to tease DS2, 3-1/2. Usually, he tells him that he's going to take xyz favorite toy and never share. DS2 gets frustrated...and either hits or bites him if the teasing continues.

I've tried talking about sharing... about taking away the offending toy and giving it back to DS1, etc. A friend suggested that I should let DS1 experience the logical consequences of teasing... i.e. being bitten. I'm not sure I'm ready to go to that extreme...but I'm getting so sick of this. It happens numerous times per day.

Any ideas?

[ChetMC]

What We Do

We have a general rule that when kids play together it must be fun for everyone involved. Our girls do tease each other, but it's only okay as long as they both think that it's funny.

When one child is not having fun the options are : modify the game or activity so it is fun for everybody or you must play separately. Contentious items are removed from play until the kids agree on how to use them in a way that is acceptable to all.

I would focus on talking to your 5 year old about how to recognize when his sibling is not having fun and what to do about it. And I would work with your 3.5 year old on using words instead of biting or hitting.

[One_Girl]

Is he teasing or threatening? I hear a lot of threats like this from the kindergarteners I work with and it isn't teasing, they are trying to bully their friends into doing things their way. It may be that your oldest son is saying this to get his way and his brother is hitting and biting because they are having a disagreement and biting means the toy doesn't go anywhere.

[ThreeKidsinKy]

Personally I would let them work it out between them as much as possible. DS2 *might* hit or bite DS1, or he might not...he might also be threatening to bit/hit to see if you will intervene. I would let it go to its natural conclusion once or twice. If DS2 hurts DS1 or if they seem to just get more worked up, I would say something like "It really sounds like you two are having a hard time getting along. So you'll both need to play separately for awhile. DS1, please go play in the living room. DS 2, come play at the kitchen table for awhile." No blame on either child. I wouldn't return the toy to DS2...the toy likely isn't the issue. If it's not that toy it will be another one.

It has been *very* hard for me to let my kids own their own problems getting along with each other. But I realized that very rarely was the reality of the situation as I thought it was. I can't even stand in the same room watching every interaction and know for sure what/why things happened as they did. The relationship between kids is their own and IMO they need to be the ones responsible for working it out as much as possible. That's not saying that I would allow them to truly hurt each other physically, or that I would allow true bullying to occur. But for the most part siblings need to navigate that territory on their own terms without my interference. Especially as they get older, interference can breed resentment towards parents who don't always know the "whole story" or who might seem to be favoring one (weaker?) child over another.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I would not call this teasing, it is tormenting or torturing. A bigger person is using his power to inflict pain on a smaller person.

Forget talking about sharing, it's not working. Sharing is an abstract idea especially for a 2.5 year old. The older child is enjoying what he is doing to his brother. Why is he doing this? What is he getting out of it? What can you change in his life so he doesn't want to toment his brother?

We had a rule that big people do not get to have fun at the expense of little people. A bigger child wasn't allowed to take a toy from a smaller child. If there is conflict, the smallest wins. Of course you have to be careful to not let the smallest child not take advantage of this.

My children are adults now and this has turned out to be a value that they all show in their lives and their jobs. They recognize and help people who have less power.

[seemfrog]

This happens in our house a lot. My boys are the same age, but one is a lot bigger and tends to be the "teaser" - he already knows the buttons to push and he pushes. Ds1 in turn screams and screetches and cries.

I don't purposely "let" natural consequences of not listening to ds1's request for ds2 to stop doing *something* happen, but they do happen many times since I am not right next to them at every moment. So, ds1 has been hitting a lot, after screaming for him to stop (for example). I talk to them separately, I tell ds1 he needs to keep using words, that if someone is not listening when you ask them to stop, that its ok to ask an adult to help, and that I liked the words he used, and that its frustrating when someone doesn't listen (etc) I tell ds2 that when he doesn't respond, and stop pulling, grabbing, teasing, etc sometimes kids can get frustrated and they may hit, and that its important for him to hear what his friends are saying, when they're asking to stop, also teasing someone hurts feelings... etc etc

I would also caution against suddenly "letting them work it out" completely on their own, depending on the age. I had a lot of frustration and hurt (emotional and physical) growing up between brothers, and I know they did too (I was the screamer, scratcher, etc). I do spend a lot of time with my boys "teaching" them to work it out, saying things like "oh, so you really want to play with this puzzle by yourself and your brother also wants to play with it all by himself... hm... that's a tough one, I wonder how we can work this out" and stay with them as its worked out. As it progresses, I just state that they need to work it out and see how it goes.

Another thing that has helped us with sharing, getting along, is finding really fun activities to do where they have to work together to complete it. Or just find those activities where they play really well together and talk about how nice it is to see them working things out, working together to figure things out, etc.

I will be very interested to hear what others have to say as this can get really frustrating at times and I can get to the point of yelling for peace and quiet.

[ThreeKidsinKy]

Originally Posted by seemfrog

I would also caution against suddenly "letting them work it out" completely on their own, depending on the age. I had a lot of frustration and hurt (emotional and physical) growing up between brothers, and I know they did too (I was the screamer, scratcher, etc). I do spend a lot of time with my boys "teaching" them to work it out, saying things like "oh, so you really want to play with this puzzle by yourself and your brother also wants to play with it all by himself... hm... that's a tough one, I wonder how we can work this out" and stay with them as its worked out. As it progresses, I just state that they need to work it out and see how it goes.

Thanks for mentioning this. I missed this vital piece of the puzzle in my reply late last night. We didn't do it "suddenly" either, it took awhile!