Seems like GD is failing for my 4 yo. Need help. (LONG)

[aran]

I feel like GD is just not working for DS1 (5 yo in July). I really got in his face with some over-the-top yelling yesterday and today after some hitting incidents, and that doesn’t feel right either. I need a fresh perspective, some new ideas, some inspiration. I don't want to be that wild-eyed yeller that my mom was, but when I don't have a better plan - which I don't seem to anymore - that behavior I learned from my mom growing up just seems to kick in automatically.

The problem is that DS1 hits and/or kicks me or DH when he is frustrated or angry. The related, and even bigger problem is that he also hurts DS2 (2 yo) at unpredictable times. Often he plays very well with DS2, but then, seemingly out of the blue, will push him down violently or rip something out of his hands or push him out of the way or step on him. I will often find out later on that DS1 felt slighted in some way by DS2 (often, DS2's transgression is blown out of proportion in DS1’s thoughts) and rather than discuss solutions, he just charges in with aggression and at the time he does, no-one knows why. Sometimes he is just clearly jealous of DS2 and his behavior reminds me of a dog that wants to assert its dominance. DH and I worry that DS2 will be seriously injured if this continues. DS1 is getting to the point where DH and I could be injured as well if his aggression can’t be controlled better.

Here’s what we’ve tried:

• no punishment, just holding him still until he stops flailing (which takes a long time often)
• talking to him later after the incident passed and everyone is calm, encouraging him to ask for help before he gets to the point where he’s angry enough to lash out
• giving him other options, like deep breaths, jumping up and down, hitting a pillow, etc.
• adding fish oil and magnesium supplements to his diet (plus regular kid vitamins)
• removing all artificial colors and flavors, limiting dairy, eating 90%+ organic foods
• getting him to sleep 11 hours/night. This helps tremendously, but is not always possible, because he *will not sleep* if DS2 is awake, and I cannot always synchronize their sleep schedules well enough to let DS1 get the full amount he seems to need.

Here are DS1’s characteristics, which probably add to the difficulty:

• sensitive: meets most of the criteria for “highly sensitive.” However, he seems extremely insensitive to DH or I asking him to stop or change any behaviors. He is, in a way, overconfident in his own abilities and seems to think he is a little adult, and wants to be treated that way, even when he cannot be trusted to be safe (e.g., wants to walk alone through the parking lot, but sometimes bolts without looking if he sees something exciting – I could add another dog analogy here…) Sometimes, after asking nicely many, many times, it seems like yelling is the only way to get his attention, and then he seems to feel insulted and resentful that we yelled. I had been physically removing him from situations where he was being unsafe and he would flail. Now that he is larger, the flailing is dangerous to me, and I would rather he responded to words.
• spirited: meets all of the criteria for “spirited”
• anxious: does very well interacting with adults and toddlers, but extremely anxious around children his own age and slightly older. Hides his head for 30+ minutes, and will not separate from me or DH when age-mates are present. Has had limited interest in making friends, and as a result, doesn’t have any though I give him opportunities.

Thanks if you read this far. And thanks even more if you respond. I need encouragement, ideas, and just plain help for dealing with my clever, industrious, nurturing DS1 during those times (maybe 10% of the time lately, while in this rough patch) when he stops communicating with words and jumps to aggression.

[BonMaman]

My DS1 will be four in a few weeks, and he's exhibiting some similar behaviors. I have tried many of the things you've tried also, and overall it seems to have gotten through to him (as evidenced by his treatment of his younger brother and sister in peaceful times), but he's resorting to violence, aggression, and disrespect way too much and I'm not handling it very well. In our case, I think much of it may have to do with the simple and unchangeable fact of his having two younger siblings. Still, he can easily verbalize proper ways of handling himself, but doesn't make use of them in "the heat of the moment." : I'll be following this thread with interest and sending lots of good vibes your way. Peace to you and your household~

[foreverinbluejeans]

I can tell you have been trying really hard. Your son sound like he may meet some of the criteria of having bipolar disorder. Kids can have bipolar disorder when they are this young but if they usually get misdiagnosed as having ADD or ADHD. The medication doesn't work and it can take years for the right diagnosis.

If your son does have bipolar disorder, medication will make a huge difference. It is a biochemical imbalance in the brain. My son was diagnosed when he was 7. He was born hypersensitive and had developmental delays. He did crazy things like jumping from trees that ended up with broken bones and stitches. There were meltdowns for seemingly no reasons. He even broke my foot once.

If he has bipolar disorder the best way to parent him will be differnt than your other children. It was a good thing he was my third child and I was an experienced mom. We made it through the teen years with no arrests, suicide attemts, drug or alcohol use, car tickets or accidents, pregnant girls, or anything. That is amazing for a teen boy with bipolar disorder.

[FreeRangeMama]

He sounds a lot like my ds did at that age. Impulse control is very difficult for ALL kids at that age, but for some (like mine) it seems almost impossible. For us it just took time. A little more maturity has made a huge difference for him. But what was also important was for us to stay positive. Often when ds acted out he would be embarrassed as soon as he realized what he did. That would cause him to act out even more to hide that embarrassment. It was a vicious cycle. He is so sensitive, but he just shows it in unexpected ways. He also showed hurt (feelings or physical), awkwardness (in social situations), and anxiety that way.

Empathy went a long way toward helping him through that phase. We worked really hard to make him feel like he wasn't "bad" for behaving the way he did, that it was really hard work to figure out what to do in tricky situations. But we did physically restrain him on occasion when necessary (when he was a real, physical threat to himself or others) because the alternative was totally unacceptable. We also couldn't leave him alone in situations that we knew would be hard for him. That mean a lot of extra work and sacrifice (I have 3 other young children). It also meant that he couldn't be left with a cousin who bullied him (which meant no babysitting for dh and I), no alone time with a sibling who aggravated the situation, etc. until we got over the rough patch.

The good news is that we are on the other side. After several months it got better again. His brain could catch up with his impulses and he was left with his self-esteem intact. Something that likely wouldn't have happened if we had punished or shamed him (intentional or not) as was so tempting at times.

I can't say any of that will be useful to you as I don't know your ds. It would be inappropriate to claim to have the answers, but that is our journey (so far).

Good luck, it is such a difficult phase!

[aran]

BonMaman: It is helpful to know I'm not alone going through this! My DS is exactly as you describe - capable of using words, but often will not in the heat of the moment. My FIL is also very bad at verbalizing, and I see some of my FIL's traits in DS1. I want to help DS1 overcome that tendency, because FIL has trouble communicating clearly to anyone but his wife. Good luck to you, too!

foreverinbluejeans: Thanks so much for sharing your ideas and experiences. Bipolar sounds very scary to me, and honestly, I am reluctant to open my mind to that idea. However, I will read some on that and see if it fits. FWIW, I have bipolar tendencies, but not to the extent that it would be diagnosed as the full-blown disorder. Maybe when I was a teenager, but not now... I'll think on this.

FreeRangeMama: Your message really struck a chord. Especially this -

Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama

Often when ds acted out he would be embarrassed as soon as he realized what he did. That would cause him to act out even more to hide that embarrassment. It was a vicious cycle. He is so sensitive, but he just shows it in unexpected ways. He also showed hurt (feelings or physical), awkwardness (in social situations), and anxiety that way.

I DO notice that empathy helps. And this is just the way DS1 acts. It's like he wants to be an adult, and act like an adult, and be treated as an adult, and he is often amazing, responsible, strong, helpful. So then when he does something dangerous or aggressive and needs correction, you can see he is embarrassed and ashamed, and the flailing and escalation is almost like a struggle of self-loathing and a desire to move past the situation. But I have been getting worried that empathy has not yet solved the problem, and wondering if I need a new approach. I lost a lot of sleep last night thinking about this, and finally came to the conclusion that empathy is the best approach still.

I just read DS1 the story of the three little wolves and the big bad pig. In it, the big bad pig destroys all of the strong houses the wolves built, so the wolves build a house made of flowers. The pig is softened by the loveliness of the house, and becomes friends with the wolves. DS1 *loved* this story. I think it says that meeting fierceness with softness can be the right approach. I need a LOT of will power to do this... I am kind of fiery and it feels unnatural to me... but when I do, it DOES help. I was starting to feel like DS1 needed to feel some externally-provided discomfort (like me getting in his face) to deter future violence. It's been ground into me my whole life that externally provided guilt and shame are necessary. I know intellectually that's not true, but when I am tired, or struggling to keep the kids sane on a rainy day, I lose my patience... with no good resulting from it.

I need to think of this in a new way altogether. I need to think of DS1 and a soft little being who needs firm but compassionate correction. I think I have been thinking of him as a little adult and reacting with the same outrage that I would if an adult acted aggressively.

What I seem to need is some kind of mantra to help me remember to be empathic. I like this quote from Theodore Howard (maybe someone else said it first?) "Harsh words are like hailstones; destroy what they would nourish and sustain if they were melted into water"

Sorry I am rambling. It is cathartic.

[karlin]

My son is sensitive, and 4 was the most difficult age to deal with. 5 has been much easier...and the closer we get to 6, the better it gets still. Stick with it...I'm betting it's just a stage. There's something about 4 that is very hard. I've often thought it has something to do with brain maturity, since that's when most permanent memories start to form. It's like all impulse control goes out the window.

[aran]

Originally Posted by karlin

My son is sensitive, and 4 was the most difficult age to deal with. 5 has been much easier...and the closer we get to 6, the better it gets still. Stick with it...I'm betting it's just a stage. There's something about 4 that is very hard. I've often thought it has something to do with brain maturity, since that's when most permanent memories start to form. It's like all impulse control goes out the window.

Thank you! I know some people don't like to hear "it will get better" but it helps me SO MUCH!

[sisteeesmama]

Aran, I just wanted to say I have read your thoughts here and wanted to give you a hug and tell you that your love and sensitivity shine though to me, so I know your kids see it too, what a good Mama!

[aran]

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

Aran, I just wanted to say I have read your thoughts here and wanted to give you a hug and tell you that your love and sensitivity shine though to me, so I know your kids see it too, what a good Mama!

Thank you. I feel like a failure as a mom right now after two days in a row with episodes with me really *yelling,* so your kind words are helpful.

[sisteeesmama]

Hey, IMO being a mom is hands down the hardest job in the world and overcoming the conditioning you experienced as a child is a big thing to try and do, too.
SO you have some bad moments, some bad days even, it doesn't reflect on who you are as a mom.
It is evident that you are TRYING so hard to crack this code for the benefit of everyone and it may not be hard and you may not be perfect, but you are trying and that is obvious.
Give yourself a break, your efforts will prevail, maybe not today, maybe not tommorrow, but it will prevail!

[reezley]

We are in a very similar situation. Same age boys, same situations, some similar traits. Slight variations on personality, of course - for instance, my ds1 does need a few moments to be clingy and just observe to acclimate at the beginning of the school day, but gets right in there when his smiley friend comes to say "let's play...!"

Anyway, before I babble too long... I have been struggling with how to stop the hitting/grabbing/pushing too. DS1 can be sooo nice with ds2 - I'll hear him reading him a book, all sweet, then I hear him start asking ds2 to do another game, ds2 ignores him. He asks again, silence again. That's when I run in there because I know he's going to lash out in frustration. If I'm in the middle of something (dishes, whatever) I try to listen in and call to him "do you need help in there??" If I can get in there quickly enough I try to open a little negotiation for them: Sounds like you want him to ____. Hm, if he doesn't feel like it right now, what can you do about that? And he sometimes comes up with something, and sometimes I give him ideas, like just walk away and try asking later, or find a different thing to do alone, etc.
I got that general idea from reading "Siblings Without Rivalry". The idea to not solve it for them, but open the discussion.

About the yelling. Last week or so I decided I have to stop yelling so much. I can snap and start really yelling loud after seeing ds1 blatantly hitting. I found that my yelling really only made things worse. DS1 puts his hands over his ears, or sometimes get more flaily. I still feel I need to physically stop him if he's hitting. I've introduced the idea of "time in" on my lap, which he chooses sometimes. Otherwise I try to *calmly* say "you need to find a place to be by yourself to calm down" or even tell him he has to go upstairs (where ds2 can't follow him) for a few minutes until he's ready to be near people again. Basically, the same consequence as before but without the yelling. He responds much better to that.

A couple moms from the preschool said that 4.5 was tough and that as their boys turned 5 they calmed down a lot. I do take comfort in that! Here's hoping it's true.

[Carley]

I just wanted to chime in & say... I don't think you'd be human if you never yelled. EVERYBODY yells.

After I yell I apologize and explain why ("Listen, I'm really sorry I yelled and scared you. I was really scared when you ran out in the street!" "I'm so sorry I yelled at you Syd, I was sooo fustrated. I really should have used my words.. " etc). I consider it good modeling behavior... now after my daughter yells and has a huge fit she'll usually apologize too, totally unprompted. People yell, you know?

As reezley mentioned, I also take that time out. If she is out of hand she needs a safe place to get it all out. If I'm out of hand I need a safe place to get it all out. Again, for me it's good modeling behavior. I don't expect either of us to be "perfect" all the time.

I know what it's like to have that residual trauma of childhood, but really. It's clear you're not your parents. You're trying to do better. Everybody yells, but not everybody apologizes for it. Kids get that, especially if there's some explanation for it.


As far as Bipolar disorder goes, what you describe sounds completely normal to me. If you ever suspect your kid has any kind of developmental or mental issues Early Intervention is totally the key. I'm sure it's scary to consider, but the earlier the better. Again, your situation sounds COMPLETELY normal. Kids even do that kind of stuff to other kids who aren't their siblings. They don't always have that "nice" stuff down (& for that matter, most of us adults don't either!).

[Isamama]

First of all, thank you for starting this thread. It is helping me as well!

Your thoughtfulness is inspirational. I, too, am trying to overcome my childhood conditioning. I have done a pretty good job, but some days I fail miserably. Just the other day, I was trying to leave a place with my dd and she wouldn't budge. I tried all the usual stuff that works pretty well during a transition to no avail. She wouldn't budge. I started yelling. She wouldn't budge. And I know better than to yell, for many reasons, and b/c yelling just scares her into not moving. I found myself spiraling down big time when she continued to not move. I ended up threatening to throw away her toy (big time embarrassment here!!) if she didn't come with me. I completely and totally lost perspective and my sanity. I am trying something relatively new for me: I am not going to continue to beat myself up for doing something that wasn't acceptable. I am still going (have already) to reflect upon this situation and try to come up with positive solutions for next time and, of course, apologize to my child.

The point is, I had a really bad few minutes. Does that negate how good of a mother I am all other times? I, prior to a lot of good therapy, used to think so, but what I have learned is that the more I beat myself up, the more I continued the cycle of abuse. Beating oneself up (abusing oneself) continues the cycle and is worse for one's child.

It sounds like you are very open and actively seeking ways to improve your parenting style. I say Bravo and I am right there with you! I hope you have given yourself a break about yelling (hey--at least you didn't threaten to throw out a toy **attempt at humor**).

Oh, I wanted to recommend the book, "Hold on to your kids" by Gordon Neufeld. I have taken classes based on his work. He has some interesting ideas, based on attachment theory, of why kids act out aggressively. My dd has many of the same traits as your son. What I learned from Dr. Neufeld helped our situation tremendously (I am just human and mess up from time to time).

Good Luck Mama!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

First, yes, it is very very difficult to get past our programmed responses to children's behavior. I struggled with this A LOT when the kids were little and sometimes I am still stunned by how fast my brain goes to "hit" rather than the much gentler approaches that I want to use. That was especially true when DS hit me or, most especially, when he hit his little sister. So know that you are not alone on this one. We are human. We aren't always perfect.

I think the dealing with problem behavior often takes a two-pronged approach. It seems like you have covered alot of the basics for prevention. The only one that you don't list that I always look at, especially with aggression, is physical exercise. Does your DS get enough time outside and in highly physical play? Maybe a sport would be a good option for learning when to move and when to stay still? I know that this helped us a lot when DS was going through a major "hit" phase at about this age. Learning to control his body was really helpful.

Also, its easier to be the type of patient parent you want to be when you make sure that YOU get enough sleep and good food as well as your children!

For us, hitting was the only time I used timeouts with DS. Not popular here, I know. And I don't think that only timeouts are a good idea -- it needs to be combined with some way to teach better coping skills than hitting. But for us, I was comfortable with the logic of "if you can't keep yourself from hurting someone else, you need to be somewhere else until you are calm". I didn't generally care where somewhere else was, just away from people to hurt. I didn't care for how long, just until he was capable of controlling himself. For me, it made sense to teach him to take himself away from the situation if he were frustrated, angry or whatever.

[aran]

reezley: Wow! That does sound like us! I read Siblings Without Rivalry when I was pg with DS2, and your post reminds me that I should re-read it because I remember it had great pointers like the one you mention. I really appreciate hearing your strategy and I think making an effort to intervene/interpret for DS1 and DS2 might help.

Carley: That time out thing (for either me or DS1) just has not worked. If I feel myself getting overheated and need to take a minute, DS1 is *crushed.* He will follow me wherever I go. And asking/putting him in a separate place to calm down hasn't worked either, because he just gets up and follows me. I mean, he knows there is no ramification to not complying beyond my frustration/anger, and I am already frustrated/angry by the time I need a minute of separation. I agree it would be good, but it hasn't worked so far. Thanks for your response, and it does help to hear "this is normal" because sometimes it is hard for me to tell.

Isamama: I LOVELOVELOVE Hold Onto Your Kids. I read that several years ago, and maybe I need to look at it again for inspiration. That book was a big factor in helping me decide to homeschool my kids. Intellectually, I know it isn't the end of the world to make mistakes, especially if I acknowledge them to DS1, which I did today at the dinner table. He was clearly moved by my telling him that I felt that my harsh treatment of him yesterday was wrong, and as a result I had trouble sleeping, and have been talking to other mamas (here) for advice. But I just don't want my angry, raging face seared into my son's memory, like my mom's was on mine No apology can erase that image KWIM?

Evan & Anna's Mom: YES! Physical exercise is immensely helpful for DS1. The earlier I can get him outside the better. A few hours outside playing in the AM makes him calmer all day, and when the weather is good, he will be outside all day - even for meals. That's when parenting is pure joy! We have had a few consecutive cold, rainy days though, and a lack of exercise has probably exacerbated things. And YES, it is absolutely true that when I am tired, I am far more prone to going into "default mode" which is not as gentle as I want to be. I often joke that if DS1 is well rested and I am tired the day goes OK, and if I am well-rested but DS1 is tired the day goes OK, but if we are both tired on the same day... bad, bad news.

*******

UPDATE:
Today DS1 and DS2 were downstairs getting ready to go outside, and I ran upstairs to fetch something we needed. I heard DS2 scream out and start crying. I rushed down and found DS1 smiling up at me in a very artificial way while DS2 cried. I asked what happened. DS1 said "DS2 fell over his shoe," but I could tell by his expression that he was lying. I usually don't ask DS2 what happened, because he just turned two this month and I often forget he can talk clearly enough to tell me. This time I asked DS2 what happened and he said "DS1 kicked me in the stomach."

Yesterday, my response to a similar situation was to grab DS1's shoulders and yell in a rage, then lecture him for a long long time in a not nice way (it had been a long day, with a fork-poking incident, a leg stomping incident, and a shoving down to the floor incident).

Today my response was to just turn directly to DS2 and say "Let's spend some time together for a minute until you feel better." I carried him to the sofa and we read two books together. DS1 looked very hurt and cried a little, but then sat at a distance listening to the books. We went out to play, and when DS1 seemed totally normal again, I had a serious talk with him about finding other ways to show he was upset. I feel better about my response today... I just hope it *works.*

[reezley]

Originally Posted by aran

Today my response was to just turn directly to DS2 and say "Let's spend some time together for a minute until you feel better." I carried him to the sofa and we read two books together. DS1 looked very hurt and cried a little, but then sat at a distance listening to the books. We went out to play, and when DS1 seemed totally normal again, I had a serious talk with him about finding other ways to show he was upset. I feel better about my response today... I just hope it *works.*

Wow. That took control! I sometimes try to tend to ds2 first, though I usually can't help sneaking in a "I'm going to help ds2 feel better FIRST, ds1..." as he's trying to get my attention. I really feel like the dynamic we're dealing with are similar. I'm also lately able to ask ds1 what happened and have him tell me. I feel awful that ds1 can/is learning these behaviors of hitting, etc. as well.

Our incident today was not good... Toward bedtime, ds1 was jealous that it was ds2's turn with something. ds1 threw a (plastic, but not tiny) toy right at ds2's head. He missed. But it really scared me and I grabbed ds1 up, put him on the stairs, and yelled. "That scared me!! It should scare you!! That was horrible!!!" Then I calmed a little and said, "Go upstairs, you're getting ready for bed soon. " I helped him get ready and that was it for the day for him. I feel awful, but I don't know HOW to get around not reacting to such a scary sight. There's work to be done around here....

Well, you came for advice and I'm not adding much. So, I'll leave it at that!

[Hesperia]

A friend told me something pretty amazing about four year old boys a few weeks ago. She said that at the age of four they have the most amount of testosterone in their bodies then they will ever have again! I don't have any studies, but it does explain one part of why four can be so difficult (and often aggressive)! It is a bit dismissive on its own, but as a puzzle in the whole it makes perfect sense.
You are such a strong and gentle mama, I hope to one day have as much room of compassionate loving attention in my heart that you do now.

[webjefita]

There are some great ideas in the book Hold On To Your Kids. Your DS sounds similar to mine, we have some of those issues as well, including the anxiety / shyness around new people. I have come to see that as a good thing, a sign of a good strong attachment to us and I no longer discourage it or think it's a problem.

The agression and impulse control is a problem but I sometimes have poor impulse control myself so I can't completely fault that (thinking it is learned). I focus on better modeling for my DS.

But one idea in particular that might help you, which is talked about in the book, is connection before direction. It just talks about putting the relationship first. When the connection is strong, our DC will want to follow us and will look to us for direction and listen better. Something as simple as : DS is throwing sand. Instead of me yelling, "NO throwing sand!" (He ignores me.) Walk over to him, "Hi. What are you doing here?" He tells me about what he's thinking or working on. "Well, you can't throw the sane out, how about you try/do/move it over here?" etc. Tone of voice conveys "I'm here to help you do what you want, not to order you around," and "our connection is not threatened by what is happening here."

Years ago, when my second son was about 6 months old, I went through a really hard time with the two of them, esp. concerning naptimes and bedtimes, and a little bit of sibling rivalry. I did not handle it well. I was upset a lot, and I left ODS wailing outside the bedroom a lot, and I remember one day my grandma was here during all this and she made the comment, "He just wants you to love him" about my tantrumming then 3.5 yo. Looking back I feel so sad and ashamed, but she was right. I wasn't being very loving. Even if it was for 5% of the time.

The book I mentioned is helping me to realize in what areas our relationship is strained, and focusing on rebuilding our connection over the next few weeks/months while he is not in school. Check out the book, and good luck!

[aran]

reezley: You're not alone! Just apologizing and explaining nicely after yelling is is different than what I grew up with (i.e., just yelling - mom/dad's right, I'm wrong and terrible, the end ) I can't help but think that thoughtful conversation after yelling is helpful, even if not ideal.

Hesperia: Thanks for adding that. I looked a little bit on PubMed to see if I could find a study on the testosterone levels, but there were too many studies to look through. I am a scientist, so my brain just loves data like that! Good luck on your journey to motherhood. You are so far ahead of the game compared to me, just by being on MDC and taking part in these discussions BEFORE you have a LO!

webjefita: YES. I do remember that from Hold Onto Your Kids, and I remind myself "connection before correction" sometimes. Why is it so easy to lose sight of that, though? Is it because I wasn't raised that way, so it's ingrained in me that children should just "comply?" I think part of it is DS1's personality and his stubbornness... I mean, his perseverance (see example below). I see other kids who I know are parented gently, and they seem to comply with their parents' requests so much more easily than my argumentative little ball of fire.

It's funny - I had the same experience you did when DS1 was 3.5 and DS2 was about 6 months old, too! Sounds like your grandmother is wise! You have a beautiful family... congrats on your new little girl!

***************
Another update:

The past few days I have been empathic in response to "bad behavior" and the result has been awesome. (I have had to stop myself mid-yell/arm squeeze once, though, saying out loud "I will not yell at you, I will not squeeze your arm" ) He has been treating DS2 so much better and not hitting us. He still makes some pretty bad judgment calls (e.g., he tossed a hammer to grandpa while they were working together this weekend, thinking it would be cool and adult-like, and smashed grandpa's toe badly ) No-one yelled at him, he was extremely remorseful, and we talked to him quietly about it much later.

Even when he is at his best, though, he is very difficult, because he wants to be the boss and thinks he's capable of more than he actually is.

As an example of his typical behavior - I wanted to mop the floor this morning. (To make it clear, we spend virtually no time cleaning, and mostly do play/fun/education stuff together. But it was filthy and needed to be done). DS1 insisted he do the mopping. He didn't ask, but excitedly jumped up and down, whining like Caillou, and trying to grab the mop out of my hand. I asked him to be calm and ask nicely. He (kind of) calmed down. Then he mopped the center of the room very well. He set down the mop, and asked how it looked. I assumed he was done, and said "Really good, thanks! I'll just do a little extra in the corners" He flipped out, grabbed the mop, and continued mopping the center of the floor over and over again! I tried to gently show him how to do the job correctly. I said "it's great to do this work, but it's not done because the corners are dirty" He cut me off, saying "I know, I know what you're going to say" (He says that *at least* once daily. He has *never* been correct in "knowing what I was going to say" though). Well, I won't go on and on, but I tell you, it wears me thin! I love that he wants to take part in our family chores. BUT I hate that he wants to take them over and throws a fit if anyone else helps - even when he is unwilling to or incapable of doing the job himself. Sometimes I just want to *get done* and move on. I have to think on how to address this...

Thanks for all your replies, mamas!

[Carley]

My kid's the same way. I have an old swiffer wet jet that I abandoned for a steamer & she LOVES to mop with it. It makes a cool noise when you press the button & everything. She gets to mop, I get to mop, it's great.

I also bought a dustbuster at Value Village. I put it on the charger in her room & she gets to vacuum whenever she wants. It's funny, because when our friends come over she says "Do you want to come see my awesome vacuum? Heh. Only if she could stay this way!

I also gave her a little spray bottle with water/vinegar & some washcloths.

I dunno if he'll like having his own cleaning supplies, but he might!


Regardless you are awesome! All we can do is try, you know? Kids are kids & they're going to be... well... themselves.